“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.”

“Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer

I dunno what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

What do you call canned pork laced with Ritalin?

Short Attention Spam

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Viagra I bought online was laced with a chemical found in Wite-Out

It gave me a massive correction!

A straight-laced former cop and a priest were driving down a country road

Walking along the edge of the road were some teens - their pants sagging, they were vaping had a beer in hand, and could clearly be hear cursing loudly. This enraged the former cop. He drifted toward the side of the road as if to hit them, then pulled back. Angry, he drifted over again. There was a ...

Why dont people eat shoes?

Because they've been laced

What do you call a Goldfish cracker laced with Coke

The snack that’s also crack

What do you call a preponderance of evidence that your drink has been laced?

Probable Cosby.

A small village soup chef tried to make a bit of extra money on the side, selling boullion cubes laced with marijuana...

It was the laughing stock of the whole town.

Never take a drink from a Cobbler!

It's definitely laced.

What did the chameleon say when he walked across a tie-dye shirt?

Whoa, that last bug must have been laced with something!

After a day of walking around, a man comes home with his newly bought shoes

He says to his wife: “I bought these shoes from a drug dealer”
His wife said: “what’s the problem?”
He responded: “I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day”

I Recently I received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clea...

My father was a lawyer with an interesting sense of humor...

When I was young, he would always tell me, “Son, you can pick your friends, and you can pick your crack, but you can’t pick your friend’s crack... ..and this is mostly because in today’s world there’s a decent chance it’s laced with fentanyl, and you can run into some serious liability issues, (like...

What did the stoner say when someone tied his shoes together?

"Damn. These are laced and I'm tripping!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hell no.

A man dies and is sent to hell. He meets the devil who offers him three choices of punishment for the sins that he had committed. The devil tells the man, "There are three torture rooms, of which you will pick one and go in to replace the person who is being punished in that room. The choice is your...

I bought some drugs from the old lady who lives in a shoe.

They turned out to be laced.

I found myself at a seedy dive bar last night and after returning from the bathroom, I nearly choked on a shoestring!

I couldn't believe that someone had laced my drink...

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. ..

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.

Give a man a fish laced with potassium cyanide, and you feed him for a lifetime.

Last night at the bar I ordered a drink that was served in a shoe...

... I'm pretty sure it was laced.

Smugglers have began hiding drugs in the soles of their shoes. You shouldn't trust them

They're probably laced

Topical Jokes for 10/19

(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)

Carmaker Audi has tested a driver-less car at speeds of up to 140 mph. The driver-less supercar is perfect for the parent who’s too drunk to drive, but needs to pick their kids up from school in three seconds.

In Be...

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