How Do You Know Jokes - 97 Hilarious How Do You Know Jokes

How do you know you have a high sperm count?

She has to chew before she swallow.

How do you know a redditor is not a native english speaker?

They'll apologize for potential mistakes after 10 paragraphs of perfect english

How do you know Will Smith’s slap wasn’t staged?

His son wasn’t cast in it.

How do you know you're at a Mormon wedding?

The bride isn't pregnant but her mother is

How do you know if an American sold drugs in high school?

They know what grams are.

How do you know a joke isn't a repost?

When it doesn't reach the front page.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know Dave?

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

How do you know a redditor has left a hotel?

Username checks out

How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

She starts fitting in your wife's clothes.

(Old joke, I know, just heard it though, made me laugh.)

How do you know that a sniper likes you?

He misses you.

How do you know aliens are not vegan?

Because they haven't contacted us to say it.

How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide?

There are bullet holes in the mirror.

How do you know how heavy a chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh , give a weigh, give it a weigh now.

"Dad, how do you know if someone is an alcoholic?"

Dad: "You see those cars over there son? An alcoholic would see eight instead of four. "

"Dad, there's just two cars."

How do you know if a trans man is ticklish?

You give him a couple test tickles.

How do you know a mechanic has a girlfriend?

He has two clean fingers

How do you know when a bass player and drummer are at your front door?

The knocking is out of time and they don't know when to come in.

How do you know a gold prospector is non-binary?

He says that there is gold in them/their hills

How do you know when a gnat farts?

It flies in a straight line.

How do you know if you have bad acne?

You fall asleep in the library, and when you wake up, a blind man is reading your face

How do you know when there’s a banjo player at the front door?

He’s got the wrong key and he doesn’t know when to come in.

How do you know you’re eating dinner with a nerd?

They ordered their steak, “uncommon”

How do you know if a female bartender hates you?

There is a string hanging out of your Bloody Mary!

Q: How do you know if a bass player is successful?

A: His girlfriend has a job.

How do you know when a blonde has been using a vibrator?

Her teeth are chipped

How do you know a homeless woman is menstruating?

If she's only wearing one sock.

(This joke brought to you courtesy the homeless guy outside my local 7-11.)

How do you know a girl likes you?

If she gives you a handy, you know she likes you. Especially if she uses the proper handy motion.

How do you know a girl loves you?

She'll give you another handy!

Because what's love but a second handy motion?

Sorry, Tina Turner was just on the radio.

How do you know you hate your job?

When your coffee is so strong it shows up in a drug test.

How do you know if someone is an alcoholic?

Tell them you’ve got a joke: “How do you know when it’s time to stop drinking”? If they say “I don’t know”, then they’re an alcoholic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] How do you know when your woman is having an orgasm?

When you see my truck in your driveway

How do you know that someone is a dad

If number of bananas finished is higher than number of bananas started

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know when a blonde is having a bad day?

When she can't find her pencil and there is a tampon behind her ear.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know the Japanese mass murderer was a chef?

He spent his day cutting up vegetables

How do you know that the speed of light is much faster than the speed of sound?

Because some people appear bright until they open their mouth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know a stripper is on drugs?

You can see her crack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know if your wife is dead?

The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know if your dog is gay?

His dick tastes like dogshit

How do you know if a duck is a soul singer?

Throw it in the microwave and see if it's Bill Withers

How do you know Jefferey Dahmer was a pretty normal guy?

He was having a friend for dinner when he was arrested.

How do you know Mike Tyson is anti religion?

Because he always punches people in the faith.

How do you know when a politician is lying?

They move their lips.

How do you know God is Mexican?

Who else would name their son Jesus?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know that Darth Vader isn't a black man underneath the mask?

He claims to be your father.

How do you know if a Yorkshire man is dyslexic?

He'll be wearing a cat flap.

How do you know when you've passed an elephant?

You can't flush the toilet.

how do you know the toothbrush is a British invention?

If it was from elsewhere they'd call it a teethbrush !

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know when a physical therapist is joking?

Because they are pulling your leg.

How do you know if someone owns a Tesla?

Don't worry, they'll tell you

How do you know if someone is just farming for karma?

They only post on their cake day

How do you know when you're at a birthday party for a bulimic?

The cake jumps out of the girl.

How do you know USA isn't great?

Cause if it was so great, they wouldn't have made USB

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know the world is fucked?

There is a highway to hell but only a stairway to heaven.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know?

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees. The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone.

“Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an i...

How do you know if a joke was written by ChatGPT?

It’s better than this one

How do you know that the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas?

Because anywhere else it would've been called a teethbrush.

How do you know if the stage is level?

The drummer is dribbling out of both sides of his mouth.

How do you know all suicide bombers self identify as being old?

They are all boomers in the end

How do you know when it’s really cold in Washington DC?

Politicians put their hands in their own pockets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know a girl is too young for you?

When you have to make airplane noises to get your dick in her mouth

How do you know a redneck wedding?

They are all sitting on the same side of the church.

how do you know there is a firefighter at your party?

he's got all the hose

How do you know when a drummer is knocking on your door? (What are your favorite musician jokes?)

The knocking gets faster as it goes on.

You hear a knock on your door, you open it to find a bass player standing there. What do you do?

Pay him for the pizza!

Two drummers walk past a bar...

How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Put ...

How do you know your prostate exam is going really wrong?

You've got two hands on your shoulders.

How do you know if you’re smarter than a Buzzfeed reader?

Click here to find out!

How do you know that your dog loves you more than your wife?

Lock them both in the trunk of your car for a few hours and your real bestfriend will be the one happy to see you.

How do you know a girl on Tinder is real?

When they ignore you.

How do you know when spring’s here?

When the Leafs are out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know Jesus didn't care?

He was born without a single fuck.

How do you know a good gynecologist?

He can wallpaper the hall, stairs and landing through the letterbox!

How do you know that Abraham Lincoln never did anything wrong?

You can find him "in a cent."

How do you know that Tickle Me Elmo is male?

Before he leaves the factory, they give him two test tickles.

How do you know that a lawyer listens to U2?

They are working pro-Bono

How do you know if bedsheets made by a reditor is any good?

You check the threads.

How do you know if a jungle cat is telling the truth?

Well, if it's a lion, you can tell right away.

How do you know if a fisherman is rich?

Check his net income.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know when a person is horny? (NSFW)

Even if its a repost,he checks into the post just because it is tagged NSFW

How do you know if its your cake day?

When Reddit constantly reminds you that it is.

(Sorry if this sucks, tried my best to make someone laugh).

How do you know people enjoy eating clocks?

They're always having seconds.

How do you know if your kidnapper is Canadian?

He pays your own ransom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know if a Chinese person robs your house?

Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two hours later, the fucker is still trying to back out of your driveway.

How do you know if a person is sad and bored af?

You'll probably see one in the comment section.

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised I picked up a stranger and asked. “Thanks but why’d you pick me up? How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I told him the chances of two serial killers in one car would be astronomical.

How do you know when a British person is demonstrating great hospitality?

You visit their house and they don't offer you their food.

How do you know if a vampire has COVID?

He's coffin

How do you know when school has ended?

When the back-to-school sales start appearing.

How do you know definitively that Jordan was better than Kobe?

Jordan can fly.

How do you know its raining cats and dogs?

When you step in a poodle.

So how do you know Biz Markie?

Oh he’s just a friend

How do you know that someone sent you a message by accident?

By the fact they sent you a message.

How do you know you've reached the end of Scandinavia?

Because of the Finnish!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know someone is an introvert?

They won't shut the fuck up about it.

How do you know you are old

A little boy looking very distraught asked his grandpa "How do i know when I'm old"? The old man sat in his chair for a moment, pondering the child's question. Finally he answered "Son, you know when your old when you have to force a cough to fart". The little boy sat looking puzzled. "But.. that do...

How do you know a manic depressive girl loves you?

She hates you.

How do you know if hot is faster than cold?

Because you can catch a cold.

How do you know your math teacher is in love with you?

They give you aba-kisses

How do you know if somebody has to much free time?

They're on reddit looking for a laugh.

I'll see myself out.

How do you know archeologists are lonely?

Theyre always coming up with new dating techniques.

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