UPJOKE

Have You Jokes

Have you ever noticed how most Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put "anal" in front of them?

Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger, Focus

Everyone’s heard of Cunningham’s Law - “Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong”. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?

It’s thinly slice cabbage and mayo.

A man asked his fiancé, "how many guys have you slept with?".

The woman looked away to ponder for a few seconds, and then she looked back at him with a smile.

"Oh honey. You're the only man I ever slept with." She replied.

"Really?"

"Yes really. Everybody else kept me up all night."

Linda and Martha are talking. "Have you heard of the Bechdel Test?" asks Linda.

"Yes," answers Martha. "My boyfriend told me about it."

Have you seen "Pun" on Broadway?

It's a play on words!

Have you guys seen that clown that hides from disappointing people?

Nah, me neither

Have you heard the one about the pirate boxer?

He's got a mean left hook.

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled...

“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

Have you ever been extreme camping?

It's in tents!

Have you heard the song about the pork sausage?

It's a banger.

Have you heard about Pavlov's experiment?

Doesn't ring a bell.

A drunk man hails a taxi. When the cab pulls over, the drunk sticks his head in the passenger side window and asks the driver, "Have you got room here for a whole lobster and three bottles of wine?" "Sure." replies the driver.

"Fantastic!" and throws up on the passenger seat.

Have you heard about the guy who stopped a fight at a butcher shop?

He's a real mediator.

Why do anesthesiologists have you count backwards from 100 when they put you under?

Because numb is good but number is better.

Have you been following the latest BBC scandal?

It's a real Huw-dunnit

My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train conductor we have ever had. How many derailments have you had this year?”

I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you ever laughed so hard you've pooped yourself?

That'll be self defecating humour.

Have you heard the joke about the gas lighter?

Yes, you have.

Have you ever heard of the brave little German boy who can only count to 3?

He knows no vier

Husband: "How many other guys have you slept with?"

Wife: "Just you, I was awake for all the other ones"

Wife asks her husband: “How many women have you ever slept with?”

Husband responds: “One, two, three, four, you, five, six… six total”

Have you heard of the leader of the bovine communist movement?

Cow Zedong, better known as Chairman Cow.

Great guy.

Had the most mooving speeches.

Have you heard of the Native American tribe that always get lost?

Weadafuhkahwee

I was on a date and she said you smell nice, what have you got on?

I said I’ve got a hard on but I didn’t know you could smell it

Two cows on a hill. One cow ask the other, have you herd of the mad cow disease?

The other cow says, yeah, but why do I care? I’m a helicopter!

Have you heard about that singer with muscle atrophy?

He calls himself the weakened.

Have you heard the story of the two skunks named In and Out?

They lived in the forest with their mother skunk. And whenever In was in, Out was out. And whenever In was out, Out was in.

One day, when In was out and Out was in, mother skunk said to Out, "Out, I need you to go out and bring In in."

So Out went out and immediately brought In in. <...

Have you heard the joke about paper? It’s terrible. Have you heard the joke about prostitution?…

It’s horrible…

Have you heard about giant with diarrhea?

Its all over town

Have you heard of a guy who stole a calendar.

He got 12 months.

Have you seen the Indian adaptation of 'How I Met Your Mother' ?

It's called 'How My Parents Met Your Mother's Parents'

Have you heard about the new braille laxative?

It's touch and go.

Have you heard of the naked guy who insults people for not being devoted to Buddha?

Talk about the rudest nudist Buddhist

Have you ever smelled moth balls?

I can never get their tiny legs apart.

Have you heard about the rising political tensions between yogurt and penicillin? One side is probiotic, and the other is antibiotic.

They're calling it a culture war.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the new sex position called the Liz Truss?

That's when you give her a weak Pound, then immediately leave the House.

Poll: Have You Ever Watched Malcom in the Middle?

[YES]





[NO]





[MAYBE, I DON'T KNOW]





[CAN YOU REPEAT THE QUESTION?]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once.

TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to sal...

Have you seen the difference 12 hours can make?

It's night and day!

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