UPJOKE

Have You Seen Jokes

Have you seen the new Exorcist movie?

This time it’s the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.

“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”

“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you seen r/tifu recently.

They’re fucking nuts.

My Chinese flatmate asked "have you seen my cocaine?"

Me: "yes, he was brilliant in The Italian Job"

Have you seen "Pun" on Broadway?

It's a play on words!

Have you seen the sequel to Constipation?

Nah, number two hasn't come out yet.

Have you seen the movie about the fish that works at the cardboard company?

Unfortunately, it flopped at the box office.

A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?”

A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?”
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“Yes, sir,” says the customer and gets promptly shot.
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“Have you seen me rob this bank?” the robber asks another cu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you seen a 20 dollar bill crumpled up?

While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband, in very seductive voice, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Grandma, have you seen my LSD?"

Grandma replies "Fuck the LSD, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"

Have you seen Mount Rushmore before it was carved?

It was unprecedented.

Have you seen these frog-skin condoms?

They're ribbet for her pleasure.

Have you seen the ballet Frog Lake?

It's toad-ally like Swan Lake but with more leaping.

Have you seen "Schrodinger's Cat the Movie"?

It doesn't have any showing times. You buy a ticket but won't know if it is playing or not until you walk into the theater.

Have you seen the Indian adaptation of 'How I Met Your Mother' ?

It's called 'How My Parents Met Your Mother's Parents'

Have you seen the movie, "Constipation?"

Of course not, it won't be out for a while.

Btw, I am a teacher and a 3rd grader told me that today.

Hey guys have you seen Miss Singh

I was looking for her and now think she's Missing

You think gad and electric bills are expensive... have you seen chimneys?

They're through the roof!

Wife: Have you seen the dog bowl?

Husband: No, but he's pretty good at skating.

Have you seen the new documentary about white trash?

I've only seen the trailer.

Have you seen the difference 12 hours can make?

It's night and day!

"Have you seen the dog bowl?"

"No. Is he any good?"

have you seen a flashbang go off?

a stunning experience

Have you seen the new Russian battle flag?

It's a white Z on a white background.

Wife: "Have you seen the broom ?

Me: " Why!! Are you going somewhere?"

Have you seen that one movie?

A young man grows up in the Dutch mob and works very hard to advance himself through the ranks of cheese making. He enjoys his life of money and luxury, but is oblivious to the horror that he causes. A cheese addiction and a few mistakes ultimately unravel his climb to the top.

I think it's c...

Have you seen my impression of a tin opener?

It's uncanny.

Have you seen a car eat meat?

Nah, a carnivore eats meat

Have you seen the new iPhone card trick?

It's the one where all the jacks dissappear

Sailor 1: Have you seen what happened to the rope?

Sailor 2: Afraid not

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you seen a leprechaun nun?

Two lepracauns walk up to the doors of a Catholic Church in Ireland. One of them knocks on the door. The father opened the door and says, "yes, my sons. What can I do for you?" The first leprechaun asks, "tell me father, do you have any leprechaun nuns in your church?" The father, taken aback, says,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

HERCULES: Hey Perseus, have you seen my beer?

PERSEUS: Oh, I think Achilles took it.



HERCULES: Motherfucker!



OEDIPUS: You called?

Have you seen the documentary from 2010 about the Pixar movie display case?

It holds Up.

Have you seen my goat?

Two guys were walking through the woods when they came upon a huge hole. They wondered how deep it was so they stared to drop things down it. They started with a stone, and listened. Nothing. Then a large log. Still nothing. Then they found a huge piece of concrete. The two of them struggled to get ...

Have you seen this new movie?

Heard this one from my 10 year old cousin.

Him: "Have you seen the new movie about constipation yet?"

Me: "No..."

Him: "It hasn't come out yet. But people are pushing for its release!"

Have You Seen A Doctor?

**Patient:** Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.

**Nurse:** Have you seen a doctor?

**Patient:** No, just spots.

Have you seen how beautiful Stevie Wonder's daughter is?

Neither has he

Have you seen those door mats which say 192.168.0.0?

That's home.

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later..

The nun agreed…

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want ...

Have you seen the farmer that’s great at his job?

He’s out standing in his field.

Have you seen the floods in Paris?

It's inseine!

Have you seen the film about an onion that turns into a spider?

It's called Shallot's Web

Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new piano?

No? Well, Stevie hasn't either.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you seen the clown that hides from homosexuals?

Yeah, me neither

Have you seen how excited Alaskans get about their hobbies?

They get very Inuit.

Have you seen that new film about a tractor?

Me neither, just saw the trailer.

Husband: "Honey, have you seen my car keys?"

Wife: "Here it is, but why don't you ever say our car..., our house..., our company...?"

*Husband starts searching through clothes*

Wife: "Now what the hell are you looking for?"

Husband: "Our undies."

Have you seen Black Panther?

Wakanda question is that?

Sorry if repost, this just hit me. Couldn’t find it by searching on my phone.

Have you seen United Airline's on-board menu?

I heard their Chinese take-out was especially famous.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teenage boy asks his granny: 'Have you seen my pills, they are labelled LSD?

Granny: "Fuck the pills; have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"

Which cartoon character have you seen live?

Donald Duck

Have you seen the horror movie about a bunch of campers that get killed?

It’s in tents.

Have you seen Kindergaten cop?

It was such a good movie, they could easily make one or tumor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you seen all of these posts on redsit lately about people having sex with fruit?

They're fucking bananas.

Have you seen the new brooms at Quality Quidditch Supplies?

They're flying off the shelves!

I saw a poster that said, 'Have you seen my cat?

I rang the number and told them I haven’t.

I like to help where I can.

Have you seen the hype about these cordroy pillow cases...

They're making headlines everywhere

Have you seen the photo of me and REM?

That's me in the corner.

Have you seen that old Nick Cage movie about United Airlines?

Con Air.

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