UPJOKE

Have You Ever Seen Jokes

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Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?

"No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar Bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and sm...

Have you ever seen a fish bowl?

Have you ever seen…

…a barn dance?
…a fire escape?

Please help. When I was a kid I had a large joke book that I loved to read over and over. One page had a pretty long list of this type of joke (where the end could be read as a “noun verb” instead of a “noun”). Now that book is long...

Have you ever seen serial numbers on a condom?

That’s probably because you’ve never had to roll it back far enough.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you ever seen the porn version of “Gilligan’s Island?“

In the end, they all get off

Have you ever seen a man who was murdered by a jigsaw?

They always look puzzled.

Have you ever seen ....

I've been saving these to send to my grandsons. The more the merrier - feel free to add your own.

A horse *fly*?

A goldfish *bowl*?

A shoe *box*?

A floor *mop*?

A cat *fish*?

A spelling *bee*?

A chimney *sweep*?

A chicken *strip*?

A monk...

Have you ever seen a Spanish Muslim?

Once you see juan, you see jamal.

Have you ever seen a picture of Stevie Wonder's kids?

Neither has he!

Have you ever seen how ducks fly in a "V" shape and one side is longer than the other? Do you know why that is?

It's because there's more ducks on that side.

Have you ever seen the show Naked & Afraid?

It kinda reminds me of playing hide and seek with my uncle.

Have you ever seen the movie "Constipation"?

It never came out.

Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in the bushes?

See just how good he is?

Have you ever seen the invisible man?

Nah, but I’ve heard him!...

Have you ever seen uncensored episodes of Road Runner?

If you do you'll understand why they beeped him out.

Have you ever seen a really beautiful woman and thought to yourself you should go say something?

But then you realize it's a bad idea. She's probably going to freak out when you walk out of her closet.

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Have you ever seen a Toadstool?

Looks just like a frog shit.

"Dave, have you ever seen a lie detector?"

"Seen it? I'm married to one!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you ever seen the comedian who always shits his pants?

His humor is very self-defecating.

Have you ever seen 6 women topless at the same time?

Sounds like a lot dozen tit?

Have you ever seen moth balls?

You have? Then how the hell did you get their legs apart?

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Have you ever seen a ghost?

An expert in psychic phenomena is giving a conference to a group in Dublin. The speaker asks, "If I may be so bold, has anyone here ever seen a ghost?"

Some people raise their hands. "Good" he says. "Now, has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Again, a few people raise their hands. "E...

"Have you ever seen a mailbox before?" asked my postman sarcastically.

I said, "Yes. Floyd Mayweather."

Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?

It'll melt your heart.

Have you ever seen the serial number that is printed on every condom?

No? Oh, you must not have needed to unroll it that far...

Full disclosure: I searched and although this joke is definitely a repost, it's been about a year since the last time so I took an executive decision to post it again.

Have you ever seen something and just wanted to devour it?

Anyways I lost my job as a gynecologist today.

Have you ever seen something so attractive and so hot that it makes you melt like ice cream when you see try to get close to it?

I haven't. I think I'm seeing stars.

A newly married couple

A newly married couple make their way to bed and everything is going well until...

"Ooh! Oh! Look at that! What's wrong with it?" cries the bride.

"It's just my junk!" says the groom, offended.

"Yes, but's what's wrong with it? They're not supposed to look like that! It's all tw...

How do you hide an elephant in a strawberry patch?

Paint it's toenails red.

Don't believe me? Have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch?

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Three men, Joe, Bro, and Buddy, all lived in a small town.

One day, Joe went hunting alone, and for the next few days no one heard from him. About a week afterwards, a body was found and brought into the coroner’s office.

The coroner, after thoroughly examining the body, needed a positive identification in order to verify that the body was indeed Jo...

ENGLISH IS A FUNNY LANGUAGE

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant not ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English fo...

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