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God Give Jokes

My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"

I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

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Why did God give women yeast infections?

That way they know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt.

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Why did God give women orgasms?

So they've got something else to moan about

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Why did God give men penises?

So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.

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A girlfriend says to her boyfriend: “Oh my god give it to me! God give it to me I’m so fucking wet!”

Boyfriend: “I don’t care how wet you are, it’s my umbrella.”

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Why did God give us four cheeks?

He made an arse of the first two.

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See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis...

...and only enough blood to run one at a time.

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Why did God give women two sets of lips?

So they can piss and moan at the same time.

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Why did god give Marines one more IQ point than he gave to horses.

So they won't shit during parades.

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

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Guy dies and goes to Heaven and God grants him a final wish. He tells God, "I've never won in Vegas." God winks and says, "Okay! Let's go." And God snaps his fingers and - poof! - God and the guy are at a blackjack table at Bellagio Casino on the Strip.

God gives the guy $100,000 in chips and says, "Bet it all." The guy shrugs and puts up all the chips and the dealer deals him an 19 - against the dealer's 6. God says, "Take a card." The guy says, "Hit a 19 against a bad hand?"

Gods insists. "Take a card." The dealer deals him a 2. The guy sa...

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A man dies and meets God before going to heaven

God asks the man if he’s ever been unfaithful to his wife, to which the man replies that he has cheated several times. God then tells the man that in the afterlife the man will only be given an old, crappy car to drive.

Another man dies that day and meets God. God asks the man the same quest...

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God's Gifts

God is with Eve and Adam in the garden, He's about to leave, but has one last gift for each of them. "Which of you my children would like to pee standing up?" Adam jumps forward..."Me... Me!" God makes it so and Adam, looking pleased, goes to try it out. When Adam returns, God has left, and Eve is...

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Hitler and Stalin go straight to hell after their death. There, they meet God.

God asks Hitler how many women he had relations with ?

Hitler replies ,” one ,only one.”

God gives him the keys to a brand new Mercedes for his loyalty.

God asks the same question to Stalin and is met with the answer of 7-8 women. The good not happy with this answer gives Stalin...

Three nuns die in a car crash

They ascend to heaven and are met at the pearly gates by Saint Peter. “Before you can enter Heaven you must each answer a question to prove your piety.”
He turns to the first nun and asks “How many commandments did God give to Moses?” The nun says “Oh, that’s easy, 10!” Ba Bada Bah! The trumpet...

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