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Ck Jokes

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F**ck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started goin...

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Some people don't believe the allegations that Louis CK whipped his dick out...

...others saw it coming.

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Louis CK might not physically have had sex with any women

But he came close.

How do you get a nice, little old lady to yell "F#CK!!"?

Get another nice, little old lady to yell "BINGO!!"

My d*ck is so polite

It stands up so you can sit down

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Having cats is kinda like being Louis CK ..

.. you always have an audience to masturbate to.

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What if iPhones auto-corrected duck instead of f*ck?

"I went to the park and fed some fucks by the pond today."

I put my d*ck in my blind girl's hand

She said no thanks I don't smoke..

People who get mad at me for breastfeeding in public can f*ck off!

It's completely natural and it strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

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A poor man and rich man

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange th...

One day a horse asked God “Hey God can you make my **ck even longer?”

And thus the giraffe was born.

The other day I walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's d*ck.

I just find it weird that they didn't cremate it with the rest of him.

How do you make 4 nice old ladies say "f*ck!"?

Have the fifth shout "bingo!"

What does a man with a big d*ck eat for breakfast?

Yeah, I didn't think you'd know...

Louis CK helped me change a flat tire.

All I had to do was watch him jack it.

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Louiis CK goes to see his doctor...

Doctor says:

“I have some bad news for you. You have to stop masturbating!”

“Oh no doc! Why? Why?!”

“I’m trying to examine you!”

Politics and religion is like a d-ck

you shouldn't force it down anyone's throat especially your children.

Three people became shipwrecked on an island inhabited by cannibals.

They were swiftly captured and told they would be killed, cooked, eaten, and their skin would be used to line the tribe’s canoes, but they would be able to choose how they died.

The first man, a British man, decided he wanted to die by the sword. In an instant, a tribesman cut his head off. ...

Why did Louis CK hire a babysitter?

He needed someone to watch his little squirts.

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, ...

I think Louis CK has been misunderstood.

He was testing out new material. He just wanted to see whether women would laugh at his junk!

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Louis CK always has something in his hand

It’s either his microphone, or his micropenis

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A driver slows down for a stop sign but he doesn’t actually stop

A cop sees him and pulls him over. The driver says “is there a problem, officer?” The cop said “you just ran a stop sign back there”. The driver said, “what are you talking about? I slowed down.” The cop replied “but you didn’t actually stop.” The driver said “slow, stop, what’s the diff?” The cop r...

Minecraft PiCkUp LiNeS

Girl, are you a redstone torch, because you really turn me on

Duck walks into a pub...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck, now can I have my b...

Why don't hillbillies ever try reverse cowgirl?

Because you don't turn your back on family.

Dad: Say daddy!

Baby: Mommy!

Dad: Come on, say daddy!

Baby: Mommy!

Dad: F*ck you, say daddy!

Baby: F*ck you, Mommy!

Mom: Honey, I'm home!

Baby: F*ck you!

Mom: Who taught you that?

Baby: Daddy!

Dad: Son of a b*tch.

Who invented that game?

Did you know that Henry VIII invented the game F*ck, Marry, Kill?

Back in his day, however, it was called Wed, Bed, Behead.

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First joke I've written, would like some feedback please

There's this guy with a crush on a cashier at the grocery store so he asks her to go on a date and she says yes.

She's got a lot of piercings and while on the date the guy asks her what made her decide to get so many piercings.

She tells him, "when I'm disappointed with a part of my ...

What do you call a white man with a big d*ck?

Michael Jackson

I f*ck like a gentleman.

The pleasure's all mine.

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2 guys are down to their last 10 bucks....

Its a friday and theyre hungry but wanna get drunk too. So guy1 tells guy2, "Hey i got an idea, lets get a sausage and ill put it in my pants. Then pretend to give me a blowjob after we order our drinks!" So guy 2 agrees and go the first bar. Bartender asks what theyll have and they both respond a ...

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Man goes to the Dr because his D!ck has turned Orange.

Man: Doctor, I have this orange dick, its freaking me out, have you ever heard of such a thing?


Doctor: Hmm interesting, mind if I take a peak?


So the man breaks out his bright orange man meat for the doctor to inspect.


Doctor: By god! You're not kidding, you just wo...

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F#ck Fame

A guy goes into a recording studio and hands the engineer what must be 50 grand in cash. He says, "I want you to record exactly what I say, then use the leftover money to print up as many CDs as you can, and send them to every record label head, A&R rep, talent scout and manager in the business....

I heard that Louis CK is trying to make a comeback.

You think he'll pull it off?

F*ck I killed him

A cyclist is riding through the park and suddenly a bird flies directly in his face. They both fall down on the road. When the cyclist realizes what just happened, he notices the bird laying almost dead, but still breathing. He doesn't have the heart to leave that poor bird die there so he takes it ...

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What's the difference between Louis CK and a homeless man.

The homeless man doesn't ask if it's ok to masturbate in front of you

What are Louis CK’s after parties called?

Meet and beats

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What do Louis Ck and Steve Martin have in common?

They both want you to watch The Jerk.

There's no point in charging Louis CK now

He's already gotten off

I’m gonna go down on you slowly... then when you’re enjoying it the most, I’ll work my way back up and f*ck you hard.

With love,
Gas Prices

A desert island with six women

A bloke found himself stranded on a desert island with six women. To keep it fair, it was decided he would service a different woman every night and have Mondays free. After a few months the man was exhausted, realising how tiring it was to perform constantly every night except one. Then one day, to...

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The Nigerian king

Agnes, a middle-aged New York widow is feeling very lonely one day, so she decides to bite the bullet and try internet dating. Her initial attempts don't go very well, as most of the contact she receives varies from dick pics to guys asking for nudes. She's about to give up when one day she's contac...

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Louie CK is starting a new food truck in New York City.

Specializing is Jerk Chicken...

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An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day.

After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "G...

I went to the store and said to the worker, "I need a battery so I can tell the time." He asked, "Is it for a clock?" I answered...

"I don't know! That's why I need the battery!"

What did one shepherd say to the other?

Get the flock out of here!

It sucks that Louis CK got in trouble among these Hollywood personalities being accused.

If anything, he just exasterbated the situation.

What did Louis CK call his style of management where he interacts with each employee on an individual basis?

Different Strokes for Different Folks

Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Apparently not.

A Fairy and the farmer

A buffalo suddenly dies unknowingly in a farming family, whole family got upset.

One night the father came out of his house and started crying near the well. Suddenly a fairy comes up from the well..She asked why is he crying? he tells her the reason that his his buffalo has died.

She ...

The Chili lover

A guy sits down in a restaurant and orders a bowl of chili.

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"

The other ...

Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself…

Where the f*ck is my roof?

My husband called me a p*ssy, and I had to remind him...

"You are what you eat."

I've been a d*ck ever since.

I went to the library and asked for Trump's book about deporting illegal immigrants. She told me, "Get the F*ck out of my country and don't come back."

Me: Yes that's the one.

What's T.I.'s favourite game?

Hymen seek.

(But seriously, f*ck that guy)

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I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop today...

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home," I said.

"F*ck you!" he shouted back.

"What an ungrateful little cunt," I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

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Entertainment night at the senior home

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Centre.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show -Claude the Hypnotist!



Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.



"Yes, ea...

After a terrible storm, a man and his sheepdog are stranded on a large desert island.

They manage to set up camp and survive. The man searches the island every day, but never finds any other people.

One day, as the man and his dog are walking, they find a small flock of sheep grazing.

Looking at the sheep, the man gets an idea.

Now, he isn't the kind of guy wh...

Heavy Petting Zoo

Wife comes home to hearing disturbing squealing noises from the upstairs bedroom. She hesitates for a minute as her mind jumps to the very worst horrific possibility of her already shattered excuse of a marriage; then proceeds to venture up the stairs closer and closer to the sloppy wet splashing an...

I got a new job working in a cafeteria. I asked the guy I was serving if he wanted to eat in or takeaway and he told me to f*ck off!

I love working in the prison canteen!

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Even this is nothing

A kid roaming in the market with his mom saw a horny donkey with erected d\*ck. Pointing at that he asked "Mom, what is that ? "



Hesitatingly, she replied "Nothing" and took him away to home.



Somedays later, when moving around with his dad, he again saw that donkey with...

A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator on a leash... (NSFW)

As he walks in, all the patrons of the bar gasp.

The man then says, "Relax. He is very trained. Here; watch!"
He plops his 5 foot long pet alligator on the bar counter and says, "Open!"
The alligator's mouth opens wide, then the man unzips his pants and proceeds to stick his d*ck in it....

3 friends from China immigrated to the US

3 Chinese guys Bu, Chu and Fu, who were friends since childhood moved to US for work.

For their names being Chinese, they weren't getting shortlisted for interviews.

A guys suggested them to Americanise their names.

When they asked how.

He suggested add something to your ...

A farmer has triplets, and they're getting ready for prom night

.
The first date arrives, and in redneck tradition, the farmer greets him with a shotgun in hand. The boy tells the farmer, "My name is Teddy, I'm here to pick up Betty, we're going to get spaghetti, is she ready?" The farmer looks the boy over, and then calls Betty to go with him.

The sec...

A drunk guy walks out of a bar..

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling
Back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,
"Can I help you Sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the ...

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There are 3 phases of sex in a marriage.

1. First 5 years - House sex (Anytime / Anywhere)
2. 5 to 15 years - Bedroom sex (only in the bedroom)
3. 15 years plus - Hallway sex (You walk past your partner in the hallway and say ‘Fuck you’)

A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store.

He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"
The clerk replies, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!" The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

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What do you call a blind deer?

No eye deer.

What do you call a blind deer with no limbs?

Still no eye deer.

What do you call a castrated blind deer with no limbs?

Still no fucking eye deer.

A travelling salesman

A travelling salesman's car has broken down. It's late at night, so he walks to the closest farmhouse and asks to stay there for the night.

\- You can spend the night, but you’ll have to share the room with my 17-year-old son, says the farmer.

\- F#ck. I'm in a wrong joke.

My girlfriend says she’s possessed.

My girlfriend has been saying she’s been having weird experiences and weird thoughts so she went to confess to a priest. The priest told me she was possessed and that she needs and exorcism. Sometimes the priest comes over to perform the exorcisms and it gets really ugly. I hear her on the bed shaki...

I got a handj*b from a blind girl.

She said it was the biggest d\*ck she ever put her hands on.

I said, "No, you're just pulling my leg!"

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Grandmas cookies

Granddad and grandson are sitting on the front porch, when granddad lights up a cigar, the grandson asks if he can have one as well and the granddad says ‘can your dick touch your ass?’ The grandson says ‘no’ so granddad replies ‘there’s your answer’ granddad then has a sip of whiskey and grandson a...

I feel bad for the hypnotist I saw yesterday

He hypnotized 7 guys then dropped the microphone on his foot and screamed:
“F*ck me”

Two cows are talking in the barn

Cow A: Yo, what do you think about the "mad cow" disease?"

Cow B: The f*ck do I care, I'm a squirrel.

I heard this joke sometime ago...

A man walks into a bar with a crocodile in a leash...

The bartender says: “Woah, you can’t bring that in here!”

And the man says: “It’s OK, my crocodile is tame... look!”

*and he unzips his pants and proceeds to put his d!ck in the crocodiles mouth.
The crocodile doesn’t reac...

How do you get an 80 year-old woman to swear?

How do you get an 80 year-old woman to yell "F*ck"?

You get another 80 year-old woman next to her to yell "BINGO"

-Can I have a Kit Kat Chunky? -Sorry, we only have normal Kit Kat.

-That's what I asked for, fat f*ck!

A bankrobber walks into a bank...

and yells ''NOBODY MOVE, THIS IS A F*CK UP!''

a surprised teller answers ''Don't you mean a stick up?''

''No, I forgot my gun.''

A snail walks into a bar

The snail sits down on a bar stool and orders a double Jack & Coke. The bartender says, “sorry, we have a strict policy on no snails in this bar”.... so then the bartender kicks the snail out.

5 days later, the snail comes back in, sits on a bar stool and says to the bartender “what the f...

I was walking into Best Buy...

When I saw a dwarf walking out carrying a flat screen TV. I asked him, "Are you going to be able to carry that TV by yourself?" He screams back, " F*ck you! It's an iPad!"

3 guys walk into a bar

The first guy says "I have got the smallest arm in? the world"
The second guy "I have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy "I have got the smallest d*ck in the world"
The 3 guys go to the Guinness World Records
The first guy comes back and says "I really do have? the smallest? a...

What did the Left Nut say to the right nut?

Don't talk to the guy in the middle he's a d*ck!.....

If you have a green ball in your left hand, a green ball in your right hand, what have you got?

The Hulk's d\*ck in your mouth.

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my wife got her test results back today...

It turns out she doesn't have Tourettes. She just really fucking hates me.

A lady and her foul mouthed bird

So a lady just recently lost her husband and is feeling lonely, so she decided to get a pet, she goes to the pet store and gets a parrot, she bring a it home and it keeps saying the most awful rude and hateful things, she goes back to the pet store and tells the manager, “Hey, my bird is saying such...

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