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Buri Jokes

Why are lawyers buried 12 feet under?

A: Because deep down they’re really good people.

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music comin...

Three men were buried under a landslide in China

Three men were buried under a landslide in China.

They're inside a car when it happened, and miraculously still have cell phone connection.

The first man made a phone call to the police:

"I'm a good citizen and husband, please come save us!"

The police tell him they will ...

Tomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid.

I can't wait to see how big my puppy got

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I buried my best porn in a time capsule.

For the generations to come.

Why are lawyers buried ten metres down instead of only two meters?

To give them a head start.

The bible says that, after Jesus was crucified, Joseph of Arimathea gave him his tomb to be buried in

What the bible does not mention is that Joseph's tomb was extremely fancy and expensive- marble carvings, wall paintings, the best 30AD had to offer.

Naturally, Joseph's friends were very surprised. "Joseph," they said, "Why did you give such a marvelous tomb to the poor son of a carpenter?"<...

Why is Russia planning to have Vladimir Putin buried 100 feet deep?

Because they all know that deep down he is a very good leader.

Do you know why the people who live in Phoenix can’t be buried there?

Because they are still alive!

Why can't a man living in New York be buried in Chicago

Because he's still alive

The inventor of Tetris died recently and the casket was buried vertically...

And then the entire graveyard disappeared

A man and his wife and his mother in law went on vacation to the Holy Land...

While they were there, the mother in law passed away.

The undertaker told them you can have her shipped home for $5000 or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00.

The man thought about it, told him he'd just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked why would you spend $50...

My wife asked me where I wanted to be buried.

Apparently, "balls deep in your sister" wasn't the response she was looking for.

Somali Pirates Can't Find Hidden Treasure Buried in 2007

A bunch of Somali pirates lost their hidden treasure. They last saw their hidden treasure in 2007. They tried everything, bloodhounds, radar, metal detectors, sonar. But they couldn't find their treasure.

One day, one of the pirates had a suggestion.

"Captain, we should break R ...

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Shit, I think I buried that body in the wrong hole.

It's a grave mistake.

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The man’s wife left him

Upset, he went for a drive and suddenly ran over a cop and crushed him to death.
Not knowing what else to do, he threw the cop in the trunk and drove to the cemetery.
When he got there, he came across a drunken watchman.
"Listen, if you bury this body with no questions asked, I'l...

(Heard from an Irish tour guide:) "The fella that invented the crossword is buried in that cemetery over there."

"If you want to find his grave, it's four down and seven across."

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

I just buried my mother-in-law.

John: You're late, where have you been?

Fred: I just buried my mother-in-law.

John: What's with all the cuts and bruises?

Fred: Well, she put up a really good fight.

We couldn't decide on whether we wanted to have grandma buried or cremated.

So in the end, we let her live.

Did you hear about the famous musician who was buried in a guitar-shaped coffin?

He had to have 8 Les Paulbearers.


(Co-written by u/no_need_really)

Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?

In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

I wonder who's buried in the grave

of the guy who invented the ol' switcheroo

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Guy: I buried my wife 2 days ago! Friend: Shit! I'm sorry, man. When did she die?

Guy:Probably sometime yesterday

A rich old man is on his deathbed...

...but he does not have any heirs. But he has three good friends - a teacher, a doctor, and a lawyer.

He calls them by his side and tells them, "I am dying. I wish to be buried with half my wealth. I will now give you $5 million each and you should bury half of that with my casket when I die....

A parking warden was being buried.

As they lowered the coffin into the ground there was a frantic banging from inside and shouts of I'M NOT DEAD! I'M NOT DEAD!

"Ah sorry mate" says the priest, leaning forward to the coffin. "It's too late, I've started filling in the paperwork"

A wealthy billionaire dies, and his final wish is to be buried with his money.

So, at the funeral reception, the widow is speaking with guests when the matter of the billionaire's last wish comes up. The widow confirms that she honored her late husband's request.

A friend says to the widow, "You really buried him with billions of dollars?!", and the widow replies, "O...

When the Kardashians die, they won't be buried or cremated.

They'll be recycled.

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive?

It was a grave mistake.

Did you know Napoleon and his wife are buried next to each other?

They're only a Bonaparte

What do you call it when you can’t find your buried treasure 3.14 times and are furious about it

Being pi-irate

I found a chest buried in the backyard

I can't remember what I did with the rest of her

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral.

She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him
in the black suit that he's wearing?"

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and
gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes ...

Pharaoh's were buried with their hands across their chest...

....because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

The night Beethoven was buried

The graveyard attendant was walking by his grave and he swore he could faintly hear Beethoven’s 9th symphony playing in reverse. The next night as he walked past the grave, he could hear Beethoven’s 8th symphony playing in reverse. This happens all throughout the week for this man. The graveyard att...

The world's crossword champion was buried today.

8 foot down and 3 foot across.

Buried Body

Me: If I ever needed to hide a body, I would definitely call my brother for help.

Wife: What?! Why wouldn't you call me?

Me: Whose body do you think I'm hiding?

A rich man demanded to be buried with his money

Upon his death bed a miser demanded he be buried with all his money leaving behind nothing for his wife and children. After his death some friends approached his widow to offer her jobs and gifts but discover she has bought a new home, car, and wardrobe. The friends ask how she can afford all of thi...

Why was Karl Marx buried at Highgate Cemetery?

Because he was dead.

A young widow goes to the funeral parlour to plan her husband's funeral

She met with the mortician who asked her how she wants the body dressed.

"He always looked so good in blue. I want him to be buried in a blue suit."

This posed a problem as he had been delivered to the funeral parlour in the black suit he was wearing when he died. However, the wife was...

When I die, I want to be buried in an area with lots of seismic activity

Strictly for the good vibes

Today we buried our lazy teacher.

We put him in an unmarked grave.

Somewhere, buried down deep in the ground

Is the bar future presidents have to get over in order to seem credible, effective, or hell even just aware of their surroundings.

The Earth used to be flat,

but then they buried yo mama.

I was digging in my garden and i found buried treasure.

I thought to go tell my wife but then I remembered why I was digging.

What do you call a bunch of lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?

Not enough sand.

What do you ask a lawyer buried alive up to his neck in sand?

"Run out of sand, did they?"

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Nurse in a care home walked past one of the bedrooms She sees an elderly lady sucking on her husbands penis.

She came in and said "Mrs Philips, you can't do that."

"Why not?" She asked, "I enjoy doing it."

"Yes." She replied, "but it was meant to be buried with the rest of him."

A man asks an undertaker "how many bodies are buried in this cemetery"?

He replies with "All of them."

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A brave and fearsome pirate sailed toward a small island, in search for buried treasure.

He and his crew raced ahead in their rowboat, eagerly awaiting a massive payday. When they shortly came upon a large forest, they searched desperately for the last clue on the map.

As the first mate guided them carefully up to a clearing, he stopped suddenly and pointed at a crouched figure ...

A prolific composer dies and is buried in him hometown.

Weeks after the funeral, one of the townspeople gets drunk and tries to find his way home. In his drunken stupor, he finds himself lost in the graveyard. When he comes across the composer's grave, he begins to hear a strange, haunting melody. This terrifies him, and he runs out of the graveyard scre...

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A rich man died and left $2 million each to a rabbi, a priest, and an imam

He stipulated in his will that half the money must be buried with him in the grave.

At his funeral, the priest gets up, gives a short speech, and tosses $1 million into the grave.

The imam gets up, says a few words, and drops $1 million into the open grave.

Finally, the rabbi ge...

A Polish guy finds a lamp buried in the sand

As per usual, a genie comes out and offers him three wishes.

The Polish guy things for a moment and says, "I wish for all of Ghengis Khan's armies to go rampaging across the steppes to the border of Poland, then turn around and go home."

"All right," the genie says, "Done. What's your ...

How do you find Will Smith buried in the snow?

You follow the fresh prints

A man finds a mysterious looking gem buried deep in the desert.

He proceeds to clean the gem when suddenly a genie pops out.

Genie: My name is Hughe mhist ake and I will answer any ONE question no matter what it is. Ask me about the past, present or future and I shall answer.

Man: Amazing! If I ask you how I will die, will I be able to change the f...

Unfortunately my dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday

He buried someone in the wrong hole.

It was a grave mistake.

When I die I want to be buried in two coffins attached side by side.

That way I can comfortably turn over in my grave.

A man asks that he be buried with a suitcase of gold

An old man asks his family that, when he dies, they take all his savings, convert them into gold bars, put them into a suitcase, and bury the suitcase with him.

The family obliges and, upon his death, buries the suitcase with him.

The man arrives at the gates of heaven with his suitcas...

When Donald Trump dies he should be buried in a hole that is dug at 15 ft

Because down deep he probly ain't such a bad guy

Here’s one my dad told me: What do you call two lawyers buried to their neck in cement?

Not enough cement.

A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother.

While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel.

The people there told him:

"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free.

The ma...

What do you call the place where concrete is buried?

A cementary.

An undetaker had mistakenly buried the wrong body

The next day, he realised he had made a Grave mistake

When Beethoven died, he was buried in a churchyard.

The town drunk was passing by, when he heard some eerie music. Afraid, he called the priest to tell him what happend. The priest investigated and summoned the town magistrate. The town magistrate listened and said:
“It’s his Ninth Symphony... backwards.” Then, his Eighth Symphony, his seventh his...

I buried my best friend yesterday

I have a feeling that would have been easier if he were dead.

I've heard that more people are getting cremated than buried these days.

I guess coffins are a dying business.

MY friend wanted to be buried with all of his cash.

A millionaire friend of mine found out that he had cancer. Being unmarried and with no children, he wanted to make sure none of his extended family got any of his money so we came up with a plan.

He would leave all of his money to me with the express instructions that I was to bury him with ...

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After many years of sadness and suffering, I tearfully buried my loving wife today.

She insisted that she wasn't actually dead, but that bitch told lies.

A lawyer died and was so big they almost had to bury him in a piano case.

Instead they gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

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An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,


I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the lot for me.


Love Dad.
\~\~\...

Do you know why they buried George H. W. In Houston instead of his beloved Kennebunkport?

Because it’s way too cold for planting Bushes in Maine.. told to me by my mother

I want to get buried beneath a pool

For the ultimate dunking!

My neighbor just buried $100,000 in his backyard garden..

..he wanted to make his soil richer.

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who is buried in a pile of leaves?

Russel

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