UPJOKE
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Atleast Jokes

All women should be able to do atleast 70 things

69 and leave

Sure, white people can't say the "N word" but.

atleast we can say phrases like, "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and, "Hey, Dad."

Doctor: You have cancer and Alzheimer's

Patient: Atleast Idont have Cancer

What’s the difference between a policeman and a bullet?

Atleast when a bullet kills someone. It’s fired.

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After dying Hitler arrives at the gates of heaven

God asks him his name and on hearing "Hitler" instantly remarks that he should be sent to Hell. Hitler pleads to God to atleast consider some merit for him in heaven. To this God rumbles " You persecuted millions of Jews, led a second world war to happen and caused the German people to suffer a lot....

my wife has insomnia

Atleast she won't be sleeping with anyone

"doctor, my husband thinks he is a car. First he drinks five litres of gasoline abd then he runs 20km."

"I understand your concern." Said the doctor "With 5 litres he should run atleast 50km."

I saw a poor old lady fall on the ice today

Atleast I think she was poor. She only had $.75 in her wallet.

A very wealthy man on his deathbed

Called his lawyer. He told him to give all he had, down to the last dollar to his wife. But he had one condition, that his wife must remarry within 30 days. "Why? ", asked the lawyer. The man told him, "There should be atleast one person that regrets I died".

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Did you know that pigeons die after having sex

Atleast mine did when i tried

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An 85 year old man wanted to spice up his marriage

He went to a lingerie shop to get a sexy lingerie for his 80 year old wife. He got an expensive one and went home.

Later that night he gave it to his wife and told her to put it on. She went to the bathroom to put it on and found out that it was too small for her. She thought “He does not hav...

What's the difference between me and my birthday cake?

My cake gets blowed atleast once a year

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Life fucks you pretty hard

But atleast it won't ask for child support payments

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Losing my virginity was alot like my first football game.

I got bruised and beat up but atleast my dad came.

I can't stand being in a wheelchair.

Don't even try and tell me that joke was offensive. Atleast it wasn't a blind joke. I can't see how those are funny.

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Give a man a woman...

you feed him for atleast a week (more if he rations the meat properly).

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My girlfriend recently told me that I am not perfect

And I said ,"Well I may not be perfect but atleast I am Bio-degradable, you plastic bitch"

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A man is driving down the highway at 60 mph when a three legged chicken passes right by him.

In shock, he decides to follow the chicken down this dirt road. He sees the chicken run onto this farm and into barn. The man gets out of his car and goes to the front door to speak with the farmer.

“Sir, I’m sorry to bother you, but I was driving down the highway doing atleast 60 mph when I...

Alzheimers, its a bad thing...

...but atleast you get to meet new people everyday.

My wife does'nt think I respect her privacy enough.

Atleast that's what it says in her diary.

One sunny day, Jesus, Moses and a small elderly man were playing golf.

Jesus was the first to tee off. He hit the ball a little to the left, and it ended up in the water hazard. Because it was Jesus his ball floated, and when he got down to the hazard, he walked upon the water and hit the ball into the green.

Moses was the next to tee off, and like Jesus, he too...

The receptionist got a bit shocked when a nun comes running out at full speed, with an expression that could only be described as pure horror.

Receptionist: What in gods name happened to her? The receptionist asked the doctor.

Doctor: Well, I told her she was pregnant.

Receptionist: Pregnant? A nun? Was she really?

Doctor: Of course not, but atleast I managed to cure her hiccups...

An apple a day keeps the doctor away

Atleast it does if you throw it hard enough.

I asked my girlfriend today if I was the only one she's been with

She said "Yes the others were atleast 7s"

The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you

Atleast in physics

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Moon and stars!

Ladies : If your man is willing to give you moon and stars , atleast you should be ready to give him Uranus!

Living on earth is expensive..

but atleast you get a free trip around the sun each year..

Americans tend to think us Aussies are all dumb...

But atleast we get our weather information from meteorologists and not groundhogs.

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Once a king asked his prime minister to seek for men that don't fear their wife.

The minister immediately announced in the kingdom that any man who don't fear his wife come to the booth in the town square and take a black or a white horse and those who fear their wife can take a cake for their missus.

Hoards of men came but no one mustered courage enough to take the hors...

Apparently Gordon Ramsay has 5 children

So atleast we know he likes one thing raw

People say dads are like boomerangs

Atleast I hope so

A little poem

I dig...
You dig...
We dig...
He dig...
She dig...
They dig...

It may not be the best poem, but atleast it´s deep.

I've never seen a baby video that has given me any sort of enjoyment.

Or atleast that's what my lawyer advised me to say.

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Voodoo dick

So a older gentleman had fallen in love with a very attractive young woman (maybe around 21 or 22) she was a very sexually active woman and he was always able to please. One day his job called him out on a business trip and he’s be gone for atleast a week. The young woman promised to be faithful but...

There's a hole in my sock

but atleast there's not a sock in my hole

There is no way Facebook is losing the lawsuit

Atleast not after knowing the behavioral profiles of the judicial panel

I sat my children down to tell them the story of how i met their mother...

They said "Dad, Atleast wait until Mom dies to start thinking of dating someone else...."

All the Americans shouldnt move to Canada but Mexiko instead

that way they would atleast have a wall between them and Trump

(sorry for any possible spelling or gramar mistakes)

Did you hear Southwest's new slogan?

They may beat our price,
but atleast we don't beat you

A woman kept berating her maid that she was good for nothing all the time

One day the maid couldnt take it anymore .She shouted "Atleast I'm better than you in bed "

The woman was shocked,then she recovered and asked "Did my husband tell you that?"

Maid "No,your driver did "

I honestly prefer Brexit over being bullied in school day after day

Atleast I'd get pounded less

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A police officer is returning home drunk..

A police officer returns home drunk in his car from a colleague's house. He is driving safely, until suddenly a patrol on the side of the road motions him to stop by for a check. He quickly draws out his badge, confident that his colleagues will believe it and says: ''Don't worry colleagues, I've dr...

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