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Appetit Jokes

The Hiker With the Exotic Appetite

A middle-aged man got lost while hiking in the Sierra Mountains. Rescue calls went out and three days later a National Park ranger located him.

As he approached the hiker, the ranger noticed a campfire pit and the charred remains of a large bird. “Is that a California Condor”, asked the...

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Sexual Appetite

The banker saw his old friend Harry, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town one day. Harry had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying again.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Harry if the rumor was true. Harry assured him that it was.

The banker then...

Respect for a joke not well received as a comment, bon appetit!

Me:"Waiter, taste the soup!"

Waiter:"Whats wrong with the soup?"

Me:"Sir, would you mind please, taste the soup!"

Waiter:"The soup is too hot?!"

Me:"No, but taste the soup"

Waiter:"Whats rhe matter, soup too cold?!"

Me:"Sir, just taste the soup"

Waite...

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What do you call a prostitute with a small ass and a big appetite?

Bottomless hoe

I matched with a tinder profile that had no pics.

We chatted a bit. Smart and funny so i asked for a date. She said yes!

I'm not expecting much, probably 400lbs. But she answered the door, this little strawberry blomde with a head full of curls and all the right curves in all the right places. We exchanged our real names and i asked what sh...

A guy goes into a restaurant for lunch.

After careful consideration, he decides he will have a bowl of the day's soup. The waiter praises him for his decision.

"Ah, excellent choice. The chef makes the soup fresh each day from only the freshest, locally-sourced ingredients. It is completely organic, and there are no additives or pr...

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My friend has a "Bon Appetit" sign above his toilet. When I asked him why...

He told me to eat shit.

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There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun...

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.


But his snake lost its a...

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Insatiable sexual appetite.

A man with an insatiable appetite for prostitutes is walking down the street with $10 left to his name. He passes a place with blacked out windows offering three X's of entertainment. Thinking "what the hell" he walks in and asks what he can get for a five. The clerk points him to a room and tells ...

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Tommy goes to the doctor complaining about increased appetite and insatiable hunger.

The doctor asks for the symptoms and diagnoses that he has tapeworms. The doctor prescribes medication and asks to meet him in a week. Tommy comes back and says that it was ineffective and that he still feels hungry all the time.

The doctor prescribes new stronger medicine but even then T...

Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go a...

What do skeletons say before they begin dining?

Bone-Appetit!

What do you call a dish that makes your taste buds explode?

A bomb appetit...



My friend forced me to tell the world about my dumb joke.

God, I'm awful, sorry about that!

What did the skeleton say before dinner?

BONE appetit. His whole family found that HUMERUS.

Fibonacci’s day at the fair

One day Fibonacci goes to the fair with his friends: Ms.One, Mr.Five, and Dr.Twenty.


While Fibonacci perused the fairgrounds, his friends decided to enjoy a variety of different competitions and games.


Ms.One thought to try her hand at the ring toss and ball throwing games. S...

His Confession

"Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest replies, "Tell me your sins my child."

The doctor says, "I slept with five of my patients. I know it was wrong, not mention unethical. Since it happened, I've barely been able to sleep and I have no appetite. I feel so guilty." ...

Which do you call a skeleton's hunger?

Bone-appetite

A cow, a goat, and a pig were trying to cross a river one late afternoon

Unfortunately, the river is home to a big mean alligator with a voracious appetite.

"We have no choice but to cross the river anyways, or we will starve on this side." says the cow and she crosses the river. Miraculously, she was unharmed. The gator only looks at her with indifference and let...

Three mice walk into a bar...

After a few drinks, they get into a heated argument about how tough they are.

The first mouse says, “When I see a mousetrap, I lay on my back and set it off with my foot. Then, I catch the bar with my teeth and bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite. Only then do I make off with t...

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A man goes to the doctor's...

"What can I help you with?" The doctor asks.

"Actually doctor, it's my wife." He replies, "She's been eating like a fucking horse lately, she needs help."

"Nonsense!" Scolds the doctor. "There's nothing at all wrong with having a healthy appetite, and shame on you for feeling otherwise...

Sunday off

Six girls, one guy, sailing a boat in the open ocean. Tragedy strikes, and the boat slowly starts to sink. None of the girls know how to swim and they desperately beg the guy to save them. The brawny guy indeed saves all of them.

They end up in a desert island, and wonder what they will do w...

A large woman walks into a clothing store



wanting to impress her boyfriend, and asks "I want to see the large petite clothes."

Puzzled, the sales assistant responds, "Mam, I don't think we have anything to fit..."

"Found it!" says the woman, and goes to the petite section.

After a few minutes of the woman not fi...

A guy smoked a ton of weed

He got super hungry as a result. So he started preparing a ton of food.

Bong Appetite.

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A group of 100 people dressed up as Vikings, promoting the new exhibition at the Smithsonian, was seen parading in front of the White House today.

Famously uncivilised, destructive and rapacious, with an almost insatiable appetite for rough sex and heavy drinking, the US Senators nonetheless came out to watch the parade.

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What is the difference between Sylvester J. Pussycat and John J. Rambo

A cat named Sylvester with a speech impediment and an appetite for blood, so basically nothing new.

It's Paddy's first time out of Ireland

and he's on a Mediterranean cruise. His breakfast table assignment is with a Frenchman. Neither speak the other's language. The first day, the latter's first words to Paddy are "bon appetite", and the former responds "Paddy Murphy." This exact exchange happens the next day as well. The third day Pad...

A man walks into a diner during a terrible blizzard, but only has enough money to order a cup of coffee.

He hasn't eaten anything all day and is terribly hungry. Down the bar he sees another man leaning over a steaming bowl of chili, but the man isn't eating his chili, just looking at it.
Stomach rumbling he calls out to his neighbor "are you planning on eating that?"
The other man shakes his he...

I started two diet plans today

Because one wasn't enough to fill my appetite.

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During a drug rehab session

Joke: During a drug rehab session, an addict shares, "I lost so much weight doing crack. When you're addicted to crack you don't have an appetite." The next addict shares, "I lost so much weight doing cocaine. I spent all my money and couldn't afford to eat." The next addict shares, "I lost so much ...

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating...

...when they come upon a rotting, dead camel.

"Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat the liver."

"I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart."

"I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have l...

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This farmer has a roster that screws every living creature in sight...

Farmer's neighbor wants to breed his chickens, but his rooster was eaten by a fox, so he goes and asks his neighbor for help.

"Hey Joe... So, I know your roster has quite a sex drive. How about you make some money and wear him out a bit? I need about 200 of my hens bred and will pay you well ...

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They made an engaging looking couple in the swank restaurant: The man was handsome, graying and obviously well off; the woman was a joy to any eye - very young, ravishing and delectable.

As they each read their menus, the gentleman asked his date what she would like to eat.


She scanned the menu yet again, and said, "To begin, I'll have two champagne cocktails, then a dozen oysters on the half shell and a tureen of turtle soup. As entrees I'll have the filet of English s...

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Unemployment

A young fella with his pants hanging half off his arse, no front teeth and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local unemployment office to pick up his benefit money.

He strolled up to the counter and said:
"Hi there, you know what... I really HATE claiming benef...

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3 Men and a Chicken

So, there were 3 men on an island and they found a chicken.

So they thought how would they share the chicken between the 3 us.

The first man said "I support for Heartlepool so I should have the heart"

The second man said "I support for Liverpool so I should have the liver"
<...

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A mother takes her daughter to a clinic

She tells the doctor that her daughter has been having terrible nausea in the morning, lost her appetite, and even missed a period.

The doctor examines her, orders a bloodwork, and tells them to come back later in the evening.

The mom and girl come back. The doctor announces that the g...

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The King of Slaveria fancied himself quite the Casanova

He was renowned throughout the lands for his voracious sexual appetite, and never travelled anywhere without at least a half a dozen concubines in his royal entourage. It so happened that on a voyage to survey his lands across the sea that his royal ship ran into a hurricane and sank. All were lost ...

So I was walking through rural Georgia when...

...I passed a little lady with white hair and deep wrinkles sitting on her front porch who waved to me. I decided to amble up, say hello, and see if I could determine the secret to her longevity.

She told me her name was Ida and that she'd lived in this house her whole life, just as her par...

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Irving visits a nursing home

Irving is a Jewish widower who is getting up in years. His family is worried it may be time for Irving to go to a nursing home. They arrange for him to spend a weekend in a nursing home to see how he adjusts to it.

His eldest son Sheldon takes him to the home on Friday and tells his father he...

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Voodostick

Don't know if you guys have heard this one but here goes:

Once upon a time there was a witch who was quite the nympho. All waking moment was spent in all manners of sexual indulgence. Her favourite was to play with toys of all kinds.

Then one day she simply grew tired of them all. ...

POISON

A man goes to his priest and tells him that his wife is trying to poison him. The priest says, "Now, John, how do you know that?" John says, "Well, I have terrible headaches. My stomach is upset. I have no stamina and my legs are weak. My vision is blurry and I have lost my appetite. A month ago I w...

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A businessman is going out of town for 3 weeks...

His wife is a total nympho and he knows that she will never be able to remain faithful for that long. In an attempt to quell her sexual appetite, he goes to a sex shop on the outskirts of town. He spends several minutes pouring over dozens of dildos, dongs, vibrators, and other toys. However, he kno...

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Kinky

A man walks into a bar and orders three shots of Jack Daniels. He downs them 1, 2, 3 and asks for three more. Stunned at this, a women sitting at the opposite end of the bar comments 'woah, slow down there tiger.' The man looks at her, feels the alcohol taking instant effect and finds her strikingl...

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn j...

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Voodoo Dick

[NSFW]

A husband whose wife is notorious for cheating on him while he is away on business is at his wits end with the whole thing.

He loves his wife dearly, and explained to her that this cannot continue. He has a long trip coming up soon and knows that she is going to cheat on him if ...

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