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A Major Jokes

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A general, a colonel and a major were having a heated argument on the subject of sex.

The general maintained that sex was 60 percent work and 40 percent fun.
The colonel said that it was 75 percent work and 25 percent fun.
The major thought it was 90 percent work and 10 percent fun.

At the height of the argument, a private appeared at the door. "Let's leave it to him," ...

What starts with 'p' ends with 'orn' and plays a major role in the film industry?

Popcorn

A majority of English Speakers do not know the opposite of these words...

Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down.

There's a major traffic jam all through DC

All through Washington DC all traffic comes to a full stop...after many minutes people start getting out of their cars and talking. Before too long a guy starts walking car to car collecting donations, so I flag the guy down and ask him what the heck is going on! He explains there's been a major te...

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A Major and a Priest wake up...

A Major and a Priest wake up hungover and butt naked in a bush. After getting up, a group of people walk past them. The Priest quckly coveres his private parts with his hands. Meanwhile, the Major only covers his face. After the people are gone, the priest is upset and asks the major why he didn't c...

A court hearing about theft in a major company.

**Judge**: Witness Sawyer, are you aware what awaits you in case of false testimony?

**Secretary**: Yes, Your Honor, the boss was saying something about ten thousand dollars and a mink furcoat.

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

A major difference between men and women

is if a woman says "Sniff this." it usually smells nice.

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

I had a major breakthrough while on the toilet at work today.

Really wish they'd buy thicker TP.

Trump is going to make soon a major announcement

Meet us again at Four Seasons Total Landscaping parking lot

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A major yet unspoken difference between medieval times and now is...

These days, if someone owns a sword, it's a pretty safe bet you can kick their ass.

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A Major Prostitution Bust

A major raid on prostitution in town, netted so many prostitutes, that they had to be lined up, outside the police station, and around the block.

An elderly grandmother, waiting at a nearby bus stop, notices her granddaughter in line.

Grandmother: "Oh Sweetie, you're not in some kin...

Whoever named the Fleshlight missed a major opportunity

We should have called them Jackinlanterns

A Major of the 18th battalion has been convicted in court

He didn't receive corporal punishment

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Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.

She spoke for almost an hour about her plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. She referred to her time as a U.S. Senator and how she had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.

 

Although Hillary was vague a...

Did you hear that somebody killed a majority of the birds?

It’s a murder of most fowl

My goal is to own a major sports franchise in Oklahoma

The team will take its name from Oklahoma's history as a "boom" state during the early years of settlement when people were rushing to get in. Our jerseys will say "OK Boomers".

Today my boyfriend told me that honesty is a major turn on for him

Big if true.

I just discovered a major difference between me and Rapunzel.

Rapunzel lets her hair down but I let everybody near me down.

It turns out I was guilty of a major misconception with this whole abortion thing

I thought "Row vs Wade" was a decision shipwreck survivors had to make

Is there an “f” in lieutenant?

A major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a private.

“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.”

“I was told there was.”

“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”

“I’m pretty sure there is.”

The private thinks about it...

At the beach house, we had a major problem with sea birds. I started throwing rocks at them.

I left no Tern unstoned.

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An Army major is assigned to a troubled base

After numerous reports of lax discipline and unruly behavior at a particular Army post, a major is assigned to take charge and straighten the place out.

He arrives and indeed, the place is a mess - nobody's shaved, beer bottles everywhere, grubby uniforms, unpolished boots. Outraged, the majo...

A lot of comedians these days have a major issue with 'woke' people

Bill Cosby, for instance...

In German Prisoner-of-War camps, escapes were a a major problem.

The officers would try to break the prisoners’ spirits by making them do mindless things. In particular, they would make the prisoners stand in a line and all move their heads like a clock back and forth and say, ‘tick tock tick tock.’

Some prisoners, unable to escape or otherwise change thei...

If Hurricane Dorian becomes a major hurricane...

Will it be called Hurricane Mixolydian?

Reddit please help me, I've got a major drug problem :(

I can't get any, anywhere!

Today I was playing chess and blundered a major piece

Rookie mistake

The Enterprise-D had just accomplished a major Starfleet mission, so the crew went to celebrate at Ten Forward. Captain Picard and Chief O'Brien were chosen to give the toasts.

First O'Brien gave his toast; "May you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live."

Next Picard gave his toast; "Cinnamon, eggs, bread and maple syrup."

The bartender, Guinan, admired O'Brien's toast, but was absolutely confused by Picard's.

So O'Brien explain...

The IRS has made a major announcement.

All Marijuana Dealers must file a joint tax return.

What did the conductor do when half of the cello section called in sick a week before a major concert?

He was forced to resort to excessive violins.

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Why did A Major go to jail?

Cuz he fucked A minor.

Obesity causes a major public health concern.

There’s a growing body of literature on that.

News: A Major Fashion Label Releases a Cream for Yeast Infections

It's called "Gucci Coochie Goo".

Old army joke

A new captain becomes leader of a company of soldiers. As he goes about learning everything on how they do things he finds two soldiers guarding a bench. He asks his sergeants why they're guarding the bench and they say the previous commander ordered it. He calls the previous commander up, now a maj...

How come HIV isn't a major cause of depression?

Because it's not that hard to stay positive.

I used to have a major fear of speedbumps...

Now I'm slowly getting over it.

A military crew in a submarine just won a major battle

A military crew in a submarine just won a major battle, and they rescued a captured civilian from the boat they fought. To celebrate their success, the crew decided to have a small party with whatever food and drinks they had on hand.

The crew set up multiple crates to act as tables, and ever...

Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks "When am I going to die?"

The fortune teller replies: "you will die on a major Mexican holiday."

Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"

The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"

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Although I wouldn't say it's a major character flaw,

my premature ejaculation is certainly a shortcominng.

Elon Musk caused a major scandal today by going on a bizarre rant about Coronavirus.

I hope Elon-gate is not too drawn out.

Did you hear Gaston from Beauty and the Beast won a major award?

He won the No Belle Prize.

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Frank must have been a major asshole.

Whenever people try to be him they end up saying something unpleasant.

A recent survey of women on Tinder revealed that a majority of women would rather hook up with an amateur pilot than an experienced military jet pilot.

"DAMNIT!" a young airman yells as he slams his phone onto the bar.

"Tom, calm down! What's got you so riled up?" his buddy says to him.

"I just read an article that says women wanna hook up with amateur pilots over good looking pilots like us that keep the skies safe" Tom says.
...

I predict a major trend in the years to come...

Young will become the new old

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A synagogue is having a major rat problem

Every time the rabbi holds a sermon, people can't help but notice that there are rats running every which way. The rabbi tries setting out rat traps, hiring exterminators, doing everything he can, but each and every week, the rats are back.

Finally after one sermon, as the room is clearing ...

Dolly Parton's made a major move into the grocery business...

She bought the chains Piggly Wiggly, Giant and Harris Teeter, and is going to rename them "Giant Wiggly Teeters".

A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.

We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.

Where does a majority of a hockey player's salary come from?

The tooth fairy

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There was a major research project to find out how men became gay

They found that 17 percent of them felt they were born gay, the other 83 percent were sucked into it.

What do you call the reception area for the advocacy group that represents a major craft store chain?

The Hobby Lobby Lobby Lobby

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The President visits a major hospital to open a new ward.

He is shown around first by a nurse so he can inspect the facilities.

On his way, he hears orgasmic groans coming from a nearby room.

He goes to the room to investigate and, upon arriving, finds that a man is masturbating on the bed.

He asks the nurse "Why is that man doing that...

6 hours after a major bank robbery took place this morning, the bank have finally released their statement.

Withdrawn: £7 000 000.00

Balance: £0.00

The CEO of a major corporation is asked to give an address to shareholders at the yearly meeting.

He asks the company press officer to write him a twenty-minute speech. When the CEO returns from the convention, he is furious at the press officer.



“Are you trying to kill my career?” the CEO barks. “I asked for a twenty-minute speech and you give me an hour-long speech. People were ...

These reports of a major snowstorm hitting the Northeast don't concern me.

It's all just flake news.

A friend told me that they read an article from a major health organization that Coronavirus is going to be worse than earlier reported.

“WHO said that?”

“Yes.”

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New to the big city, a man is referred to a local bar, high up on the roof of a major newspaper building…

One night he decides to visit it. As he exits the elevator, he sees two other men: A classy, well-dressed bartender and a more blue-collar-looking patron in glasses. He sits down next to the patron and orders a drink.

The patron leans over to him and says, “First time here, right?”

“Ye...

Globally, the lack of awareness for women's reproductive health is a major problem. We need to grow up and understand that menstruation is not a joke.

Period.

There's a major at my university for Women's Studies

There's one for Men's Studies too, but it's normally just called "History"

What do we get if Anna and Elsa are in a major car accident?

Frozen vegetables

What do you call a group of people who are trying to rebuild after a major disaster?

The Detroit Tigers.

A major detergent manufacturer is to release a new range of fruit scents, including apple, tomato, orange, banana and mango

They're going to call it "Tide Pods - Natural Selection"

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The a...

A former student of a Geology professor at a major University returned one day to give the professor a gift of a unique soil sample he had collected from a river while on a trip....

To which the professor replied, "I appreciate the sediment"

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A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a major asshole to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth...

An African Lumberjack

An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.

"Take a couple swings at that tree over there." The foreman said.

The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single ch...

Good news for Detroit - a major TV show just signed to do filming there!

Unfortunately, it's Survivor.

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A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff..

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided
to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he
failed to get his ...

A school teacher in Hyderabad was once asked, "Can you make a sentence without using 'E'?"

"I doubt I can. It’s a major part of many many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It’s as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap. And, anyway, what would ...

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