A New Yorker Was Teaching A Midwesterner How To Ski

A Midwesterner is on vacation in the Poconos. Over there, he decides to take up downhill skiing. He's done a lot of cross country skiing, but he's never skied downhill, since there are no mountains over in Fargo. Fargo's flatter than a pancake.

He decided to try downhill skiing. "How hahr...

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Three men are on a river expedition in the Amazon

Three men are on a river expedition in the Amazon. One from England, one from France, and one from New York. A few days into the trip they encounter some rapids and wreck their boat. They wash up on shore and are immediately captured by a local tribe. The leader of the tribe steps forward and says ...

Why are New Yorkers so depressed

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey

A Russian, a Texan, and a New Yorker walk into a restaurant in France

The hostess says “excuse me, due to a Mad Cow Disease there is a shortage of steak so we currently don’t have any.”

The Texan says “What’s a shortage?”

The Russian says “What’s a steak

The New Yorker says “What’s excuse me?”

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer.

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The New Yorker the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!"

The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begi...

What did the old timey New Yorker say to the woman with dirt on her shoes?

"You gots schmutz on your foots, Toots!"

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A New Yorker goes hunting in the Alps...

... he’s never hunted in his life, so he gets a local guide to show him.

The guide explains “Is very easy, up the mountain, Pierre will make the sound of an elk in heat, the elk will come out of his cave, you point the shotgun at it and shoot. Got it?”

“Yeah yeah, this’ll be easy” say...

It takes a New Yorkers mentality to root for a football team named after something you dread getting every month.

Go Bills!

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A New Yorker, a guy from LA, and a Texan are sipping beers on a beach, and bragging about how much pussy they've gotten...

Guy from New York says, "In the Big Apple, you just walk up and buy a girl a drink, and you can stick your cock in her."

"That's nothing!" the guy from LA says. "Where I'm from, you just walk up and say *hi* to a girl, and you can stick yer cock in her."

Guy from Texas says, "Where I c...

A New Yorker, a Nebraskan, a Georgian, and a Floridian were driving to Vegas...

After a few hours in the car, the Nebraskan suddenly rolls down his window, opens his bag, and starts chucking corn out the window.

"What are you doing that for?", the others exclaim.

"Back in Nebraska, everywhere I look I see corn. I'm going on vacation and I don't want to see any cor...

What material does a New Yorker like to make his pajamas out of?

Yawn

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This thing is closing schools, paralyzing the nation and fucking new yorkers

We need to call it COVID9/11

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A Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker go on a safari...

Along the way they run into a tribe of cannibals. The chief was a pleasant fellow, but had some unfortunate news for them.

"Gentlemen, I am sorry but I must follow the way of my people."

"Oh?" says the Brit. "What's that?"

"Well..." the chief responds, "We will kill you, cook...

Why did the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed?

To wake up oily

What does a New Yorker have when Bill de Blasio works late?

A night mayor

So a Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals...

So a Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals. The chieftain has them bound and brought to the village square, where he announces their fate. "For trespassing on our land," he says, "you will all be sentenced to death! You will be killed, skinned, eaten, and have your hides tann...

A Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a New Yorker ....

A Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a New Yorker are walking down the street.

A reporter comes up to them and says,
“Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?”

The Saudi says, “excuse me , what is this word shortage?”

The Russian says, “excuse me, what’s me...

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A new yorker, a british person, and a french person are on a safari...

when they are ambushed by a tribe in the area.
A tribeman says: "You have trespassed our sacred land and you must be killed. We will skin you and make a canoe when you choose how you want to die."
The French person asks for a bottle of poison.
The British person asks for a gun.
The new y...

Think New Yorkers don't get along? I just saw two complete strangers share a cab...

One took the wheels and tires, the other took the battery and the radio.

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A Californian, a Texan, and a New Yorker are dining at a restaurant.....

The waiter comes by and says, "Excuse me gentlemen, I'm sorry to inform you there's a shortage of our special, the triple-meat burger, this evening. Please consider some of our delicious regular menu options".

The Californian says, "what the fuck is triple-meat?"

The Texan says, "what ...

A New Yorker calls his mother who lives in Florida. She answers the phone with a very weak-sounding voice.

"Mom, you don't sound so good. What's wrong?"

Very feebly she answers, "I haven't eaten in quite some time."

"How long has it been, Mom?"

"My last meal was 26 days ago."

"26 Days!? How come?"

"I didn't want to be caught with food in my mouth when you called."

A New Yorker visits a Texan

The Texan shows the New Yorker around his place. "Howd'ya like it?", he asks.

"It's not bad", answers the New Yorker, "but I'll be honest, I expected you Texans to have larger places. The living room's too small, the master bedroom is small too, there is only one bathroom, and there isn't eve...

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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?

"Go fuck yourself!"

A posh New Yorker...

A posh New Yorker decides to take her two young children on a European vacation. Upon landing in Berlin the trio check into the Ritz Carlton. Even though the Ritz has a fabulous, five star restaurant, the mother thinks they should indulge in the local gastronomy, and they lace their shoes back on an...

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An old New Yorker and his wife were at the therapist

The wife said “In the fifty years I’ve known him, Morty hasn’t had a good word to say about anything. All he does is complain.”

The therapist looks at Morty and asks “what do you think about that?”

“I think it’s terrible, and ridiculous, and absurd, and I don’t even know why we’re her...

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NSFW A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are on a deserted island..

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are on a deserted island when they are discovered by a tribe of cannibals. The chief delivers good and bad news to the three men. "The bad news is you men will be killed, we will eat your intestines and we will use your skin for our canoes. The good news ...

New Yorkers confuse me...

Half of them keep saying "fuhgeddaboudit" but the rest of them keep saying "Never forget".

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A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker

Are exploring the jungle and are captured by a fierce tribe.

The chief tells them, "The bad news is that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." Th...

As a new yorker i was excited about a wall that keeps foreigners from taking our jobs

Then I learned the wall wasn't being built around New Jersey.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and a New Yorker...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a New Yorker are flying in a plane over the deep jungles of South America. The plane crashes in the jungle and the three men are captured by pygmy cannibals. The cannibal chief says, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we're going to boil you, eat you, and...

How can you tell the difference between a Canadian and a New Yorker?

New Yorker says: Eh! Get off my car...

Canadian says: Get off my car, eh...

Why do New Yorkers like to visit Minnesota?

Because that's where the mini apple is!

A Texan and a New Yorker are sitting in a bar.

The Texan, feeling boastful, says, "Back home in Texas, I can get in my truck at sunup and drive a straight shot until sundown without reaching the edge of my property."

The New Yorker nods sympathetically and replies, "Yeah. I had a car like that once."

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If you're from Virginia, you're a Virginian. If you're from New York, you're a New Yorker. If you're from Texas, you're a Texan.

And if you're from Massachusetts, you're a Democrat.

If Londoners are what you call people from London and New Yorkers are what you call people from New York, what are Hamburgers??

Delicious!!

New Yorker confuses me

Some say forget about it and the others say never forget

A New Yorker went for a checkup..

Doctor: We're sorry, you have Hepatitis B.

New Yorker: Damn B, what kind of hepatitis?

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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Yo, why the fuck do you want to know, Asshole? Mind your own goddamn business, OK, fucko!

New Yorkers are the fastest readers.

80 stories in ten seconds splat!

If you ever see three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument

a bank has just been robbed

A New Yorker, a Las Vegan, and a Texan all meet at a bar overseas...

The New Yorker says "this bar is ok, but I'd like to drink to my hometown bar, where the server greets you with your favourite drink, and every weekend is happy hour all night."

They all nod and cheers, and drink to the New Yorkers hometown bar.

After the next couple of rounds the La...

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a New Yorker are walking through the Amazon.

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a New Yorker are walking through the Amazon, when suddenly they are surrounded by bloodthirsty cannibals.

The tribe leader approaches them and says, "Gentlemen, I have good news and I have bad news. The bad news is we're going to kill you, gut you, and turn y...

Englishman, Frenchman and New Yorker Meet The Cannibals

Oldie but goodie

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a New Yorker are out exploring, and they're captured by cannibals. The king of the cannibals says "We're going to eat you now, because we're cannibals and that's what we do. But we're not savages like we used to be, so we're not going to tortur...

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A British man, a Scottish man, and a New Yorker are caught by cannibals

The cannibals say to the British man, we are going to make spoons out of your bones and a boat out of your skin! But before you die, what would you like? The British man asks for a cup of tea, and then the cannibals kill him.

The cannibals then say to the Scottish man, we are going to make s...

Four guys are driving cross country together.

One each from Idaho, Iowa, Florida, and New York.

A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window.

The man from Iowa asks, "What are you doing?" The man from Idaho says, "We have so many of these in Idaho they're laying around ...

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A Single Guy Moves From New York City to the DEEP Country

He is so tired of city life he decides to move to the middle of nowhere and try something new. He buys a plot of land with a small farmhouse and 100 acres.

As he is unpacking his UHaul, he sees an old beat up truck kicking up dust down the dirt road. The truck turns on his lane and a man ge...

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates of Heaven

When a group of New Yorkers walked up.

"Hey St. Petey, may we come in too Heaven?"

St. Peter replies "Well, we have never had N6e Yorkers in Heaven before, let me ask God."

He leaves the pearly gates of Heaven and goes to see God.

"God, there is a group of New Yorkers at ...

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Three explorers: one from England, one from France, and one from New York went into the jungle...

One day on their journey a group of native tribesmen found and captured them. After being taken to the camp of these natives, the explorers were brought to the chief of the tribe.

He told the explorers. "For trespassing on land sacred to our people, you are to be killed and your skins turned...

A dog attacks a little girl

A man is walking in Central park in New York sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.
He runs over and starts fighting with the dog.
He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A journalist arriving soon takes pictures and says: \- "You are a hero, tomorrow ...

A man walks through the Central Park in New York City

Suddenly he sees a dog attacking a small girl. He runs towards them, starts a fight with the dog and finally kills it. So he saves the life of the girl.

A policeman was watching them, walks to the man and says:

You are a hero! Tomorrow in the new York Times the first headline will be: ...

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Welcome to the jungle

An Englishman, Frenchman, and a New Yorker all decide to go on an adventure through the amazon rainforest.

While they are traveling down the river, the men all get lost. They then come together to decide the best course of action. They decide to go to the shore in order to gain their bearing...

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I wrote a book, and the first sentence reads, “There I sat in Central Park, staring at the base of the Empire State Building across the street.”

The title of the book is “I’ve Never Been to New York But I Love Hearing New Yorkers Get Mad At This Shit”

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A guy from Nebraska goes to New York for the first time.

He's so excited, he's never been outside of Nebraska. He gets to La Guardia, and immediately tells a cabbie to take him to the Empire State Building (as he's always wanted to see it in real life). So they pull up to and he goes inside and gets on the elevator to the top of the building. He goes u...

There once was hippo child prodigy.

Just by hanging around tourists, he learned to talk, and soon thereafter to read.

Eventually, he started attending a nearby primary school for humans and he turned out to be very very smart indeed, even by human standards. Typing, thanks to his symbiotic oxpecker buddy, made him a prolific au...

A joke from George Carlin,tucked away because of 9/11

The most striking thing about the show is that Carlin made a joke about Osama bin Laden and an exploding airplane. In a fashion typical of the comedian, who always passed easily between the corporeal and the sublime, it started as a fart joke. “These planes get flying so fast that all the most vicio...

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A man is walking down Fifth Avenue in New York City.

He sees a long line of people who all appear to be anxiously waiting for something. Intrigued, he asks a woman in the line what she's waiting for.

"Apparently the President is in town raising money for his family's legal bills," she responds.

"Huh. That's got to be a lot of money. I'm ...

Laughter is the Best Medicine. OK Reddit, whats the best 9/11 Joke You've Ever Heard?

Q: How Many New Yorkers Does it Take to Screw in a Light Blub?

A: None - they all jump out of the building when it gets too hot

Not the best, I admit. But yeah - top that.

At The Zoo

One day, a man from the Czech Republic came to visit his friend in New York.When asked what he wanted to see, the visitor replied, "I would like to see one of the zoos in America."

To his delight, the New Yorker took him to the Bronx Zoo. They were touring the zoo, and standing in front of th...

An old Vermonter is sitting on his porch.

A New Yorker is passing by and stops to chat. He asks the old timer, "Have you lived here all your life."

"Not yet."

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