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Suicide Attempt Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A patient talks to his therapist after a suicide attempt

"So Greg, I've been informed that you attempted suicide the other day. Is this correct?" asks the therapist.

"Yes, it is unfortunately true. My wife decided to divorce me and the kids chose to live with her, it struck me hard man." said Greg.

"I know this is gonna be hard for you to do...

Popular celebrity survives suicide attempt.

BREAKING NOOSE!

An old man was walking on a park adjoining the cliff famous for suicide and saw a young woman standing at the edge contemplating suicide

He approached her.

She: "Dont come near me!!"

Old man :" Since you are anyway going to die,why cant you make this old man happy with a quickie?"

She shrieked "Over my dead body,you filthy pervert"

Old man "Ok,if thats the case, I will walk down and wait for you at the bot...

What went wrong with Trump's Suicide Attempt

Fake Noose

BREAKING: The President's recent suicide attempt failed last night when the rope broke. His statement:

"Fake noose."

Whenever I tell people about my suicide attempts, they all say that I should get help.

Literally no one is ever actually willing to solder the wires or tie a proper noose for me though.

One of the patients in a mental hospital saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub.

After hearing this, the director reviews the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

'Mr James,' says the official, 'your records and your heroic behaviour indicate that you are ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around his neck'...

I've got awful commitment issues

I couldn't commit to a suicide attempt to save my life

Meeting the Friend's Blonde Girlfriend

A man is introducing himself to his friend's new girlfriend who happens to be a blonde.

As he reaches out to shake her hand, his friend notices a nasty scar on his forearm.

Jokingly, his friend points and says, "what happened? Failed suicide attempt?"

The man laughs it off and ...

Every night I go to sleep thinking, “I’ve got all the drive to turn my life around.”

And every morning I wake up and think, “why didn’t my suicide attempt work?!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is forced to go to his therapist

After a suicide attempt he made the day before. Once he was in the therapist's office, the therapist started of the conversation by asking about why he attempted to take his own life. "Well, earlier in the day my wife handed me divorce papers, that said she would take the dog, and that the kids woul...

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