New Years Resolution Jokes - 25 Hilarious New Years Resolution Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked this hot girl her New Years resolution

She said “fuck you” so I’m very excited for 2020

I made a New Years Resolution to drink more water.

So far I've only gotten as far as Drink More.

What are your New Years resolutions?

I'm upgrading to 2460×4820.

My new years resolution is to get down to the weight I was before the accident.

....and to stop calling it "the accident" when I eat too many snacks.

What's your New Years resolution?

Mine is 3120x1440. I got a new phone.

This year, my New Years resolution is to finally go to the gym...

**... and cancel that membership I’m been wasting money on every month since last year.**

My New Years resolution is to set more realistic expectations for myself

I’ve already failed

My New Years resolution was to eat 1200 calories a day. I’ve been doing so great!

I’ve surpassed my goal every day so far!

New Years resolution

Programmers are always grumpy on January 1st - they turn on their monitor and the screen has the same number of pixels even though they keep hearing about the New Year’s Resolution

My New Years Resolution is to get a girlfriend

After what happened in 2020, i didn't get the chance to, but 2021 will be the year.

~~After what happened in 2019, i didn't get the chance to, but 2020 will be the year.~~

~~After what happened in 2018, i didn't get the chance to, but 2019 will be the year.~~

~~After what happe...

New Years Resolution

For my New Years Resolution, I would like to be more assertive.. only if it's okay with you guys?

My New Years resolution is

to build a Velcro wall and I am sticking to it!

For my New Years resolution I promise to never steal money out of my wife’s purse

But then I just remembered she’s got a birthday coming up

A New Years Resolution is..

Something that goes in one year and out the other.

I finally managed to achieve my new years resolution

My 4K monitor turned up this morning, I'm so happy!!

My New Years resolution was to give back to the community.

I don’t want to seem like I’m bragging, but this coming school year, I’m becoming a volunteer crossing guard for an online school.

My New Years Resolutions are 1600x900, 1330 x 768 and 1024x768

I’m not buying any new tv’s.

I'm doing well on my New Years resolution to lose 10 pounds

I only have 15 more to go.

New Years resolution to recycle water

I am putting a bucket in each shower and using the collected water in the clothes washer. I really don’t care what everyone else at the gym says.

I’m proud to announce I have stuck to my New Years Resolution and did not bite my nails the entire month of January.

My feet have never looked better.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New Years Resolutions

Me and the wife were having Christmas drinks with friends when one asked, "what's everyone's new years resolution?"

I said, "Mine's going to be, to have more sex."

"Oh great!" my wife sighed.

"Don't worry, love" I assured her, "it's not going to affect you."

It’s nice to see one New Years resolution is being followed.

One month in and the EU has already lost a pound.

As a new years resolution, my wife suggested I should remove excess fat...

So I filed for divorce!

My new years resolution was to hit the gym more often.

But I'm on my fourth car this year now. This is getting kind of expensive and I think the police are suspicious.

I only have two new years resolutions. One: to lose the weight I gained since the accident.

Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'

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