UPJOKE
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Isl Jokes

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Father and son from Utah, both avid fishermen, finally decide to visit the British Isles

So they have a beer in London, bag of crisps in Birmingham, they enjoy a slice of the famous Chevington cheese in Newcastle, and as they slowly traveled Northward, they both get the urge to go fishing in the famous Scottish Lochs.

And so it came to pass, that in Glasgow, they bought a o...

In meat isle, two pieces of meat are talking.

One says...
Man, I really hate those sausages.

The other replies...
Yeah, they're the wurst!

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Why is the bride smiling when she is walking down the isle?

Because she knows she has given her last blow job.

Edit-Aisle ….. cannot spell. I’m a dumbass from Florida.

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A WW2 joke I heard recently

So, it’s 1941 and a young German boy is listening to the radio. On the radio Hitler announces that Germany is declaring war on the United States.

The boy asks, “Father, where is the United States?”

“Here, let me show you,” His father responds and points at a map of North America.
...

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Did you know that on the Canary Islands there is not one Canary? And on the Virgin Isles same thing.

There is not one canary there either.

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A dude gets stranded on a deserted isle all alone....

Six months later, a woman walks out of the ocean in a wet suit. She's gorgeous.

She strolls up and says, "Want a scotch on ice?"

The guy is dumbfounded and nods yes.

She unzips the wet suit a little and pulls out a flask, ice and a glass. She makes a Walker over ice.

She ...

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A bible thumping granny gets on a cross town bus sitting across the isle from two Cajun’s talking quietly

So of course she starts to listen. The older of the two gentlemen was saying, “First, Emma came, den I cum, then us and us again, together! And then I cum again.”
The lady stands up and says “you should be ashamed of yourself for talking like that about anyone and things like that should not be...

What would you eat if you were stranded on a completely barren deserted isle?

The sand which is on the ground.

A female flight attendant walks down the isle and offers a man some headphones.

“Would you like some headphones?” She asks.

The man smiles a large grin.

“Why certainly!” He says, “And how did you know my name was Phones?”

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A young American man moves to the Shetland Isles

Unbeknownst to him, the Shetland peoples are quite reserved, and no-one visits him for three months.

One stormy night, there's a loud knock at the door. He opens the door to the sight of a huge, fiery-haired man with a thick beard. With an accent equally as thick, the visitor says, "I've come...

Name one thing wrong with fat people moving to Hawaii. Go on.

Isle weight.

Why are there so many French orphans in the fruit isle of the grocery store?

Because they are all looking for their père

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Have you ever seen the porn version of “Gilligan’s Island?“

In the end, they all get off

A beautiful blonde woman approaches a pharmacist and asks, "Do you have extra large condoms?"

The pharmacist replies, "Yes, isle 11."

The blonde goes to the isle. But about 30 minutes later she is still looking at the condoms. The pharmacist calls over to her, "Do you need some help?"

The woman replies, "No, I'm just waiting for somebody to buy some."

I was threatened today at the airport.

At the check-in the woman said “window or isle.” I said “window or you’ll what?”

No joke, Dubai spent billions on a bunch of man-made islands and they are now sinking.

I guess all the money in the world can't help erect-isle dysfunction

Two Irishmen on a Trian

Two Irishmen are walking down the isle of a passenger train car, asking, "Is their a priest here? Has anyone seen a priest of this train? No one answers, and they go on to the next car.

A few minutes later, they come back, asking, "Is there a rabbi here? Has anyone seen a Rabbi on the trai...

I always wanted to visit Ireland one day

So I took a vacation there. I did all the stereotypical tourist things like drank in the pubs, saw the beautiful natural wonders, watched a game of football, visited the Blarney Stone, and so on.

Before I left, I figured I would buy a nice souvenir. And what better to take home from the Eme...

I walked into the local supermarket,

I was walking around for about 30 minutes just browsing the items and items of stuff. Finally turned a corner to the vegetable isle, I spotted a leak on the floor. So I went to the staff desk and reported a leak in isle 6, anyway eventually someone came out to look at it.

They told me to poi...

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A couple of Old Ladys are sitting outside of their retirement home, smoking cigarettes

when it suddenly starts to rain, just a light drizzle, nothing too heavy.

The first old lady pulls out her little umbrella and awkwardly holds it up abover her as she puffs away on her cigarette.

The second old lady pulls out a condom, tears a hole at the tip with her teeth and procee...

Let me introduce the little known tale of Curtis Remond.

Curtis was born in the small town of New York, the only child of a rich and famous banking family. Curtis’ father was a banker. Curtis’ grandfather was a banker. The banking linage runs as far back in the family as time can remember, ever since Gerald Redmond had emigrated from Killarney back in the...

The Devils goes to Church

The devil went to church one day and upon seeing his red skin, big horns and cloven feet, all of the people ran from the building in terror. All except for one old man near the front. He didn't even budge. The devil was intrigued by the man's apparent disinterest in his hideous appearance. So he str...

A man walks into a grocery store with a gunshot wound.

The grocer asks him if he needs a doctor.

The man says he just wants to know where the spice isle is.

Confused the grocer asks why and the man replies “Because thyme heals all wounds.”

There was once a cornflake named randy.

Randy was a rambunctious cornflake. When he was being toasted, he was in the back of the assembly line. He tried and tried and tried to get to the front, but failed. Now remember Randy wasn’t an ordinary cornflake, he was a rambunctious cornflake. When he was being put into the box, he was at the b...

My wife and I.

My soon to be wife and I are looking at wedding dresses for her.

I said to her I dont care what she wears down the isle. I said best case, you go down the isle wearing a track suit.

She says why... I want something that will look better than that.

I said it would be perfect be...

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It's discrimination!

I see kids bouncing balls and riding bikes down isles at Walmart, but does anyone stop them, heck no! They can play with anything they want to!

But for some reason *I've* been banned from the ladies underwear department.

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My Brother The Cripple.

My oldest brother was born with little use of his legs resulting in him using crutches. For his whole life we went through vigorous treatments and therapy. When he was about 14 we moved to a new town. The local kids made fun him daily calling him names and just being overall assholes. He was so fe...

I've mastered a way to pick up dates at the supermarket

It's super simple, just head down over to the dried fruits isle

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Do you have any broccoli?

A lady walks into a grocery store and goes to the produce isle. She frantically looks around for broccoli, but to no avail. She finds a stock employee, and goes to him and asks, "Do you have any broccoli? " the employee replies "sorry ma'am, I don't believe we do right now."

she accepts this...

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An old one from good will hunting. (Slightly NSFW)

I love this movie. If you haven’t seen it, go watch it on Netflix.

So Will tells this joke during therapy:

A pilot is flying a commercial Airline plane. He says his whole “we’ll be cruising at 30K feet” thing, but when he finishes, he forgets to turn the mic off.
He turns to the co...

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A pilot is flying a jumbo jet, he comes on the intercom and says, this is your pilot, we’re flying at 30,000 feet, traveling at over 500 miles an hour and will be at our destination in about an hour, he hangs up the mic but doesn’t turn it off and says to the co-pilot,...

Ya’know, I think I’m going to smoke a cigarette and then see if I can get a little pussy off that new stewardess! Well she hears this and comes running from the back of the plane to tell him that his mic is still on and trips over an old lady’s purse and falls into the isle! The old lady then says t...

A husband and a wife are shopping

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in the cart. “What do you think you’re doing?” says the wife. “There on sale, 24 cans for $10” says the husband. “Put it back we can’t afford it” demands the wife. They continue shopping. A few isles later, the woman picks up a $20 face cream and ...

I went to the store with my wife!

While passing the beer cooler I picked up a case and put it in the cart.

She asked what was I doing and I said "10 dollars is cheap for a case of beer."

She replied, "We can't afford it, put it back."

So I put it back, and a few more Isles down, she picked up a 20 dollar jar of...

There was this homeless man named Arty

There was this homeless man named Arty, always down on his luck, would do anything for a dollar.



One day a rich man came up to Arty and said he needed his business partner killed and would pay Arty a dollar for the trouble. He informed Arty that this business partner always shopped at...

In the 70's my friend was a high class call girl

Her 'pimp' was movie star Michael Caine, he got her the highest profile jobs in the industry and she got to 'work' with a lot of famous people.

This particular time she was at the Isle of Wight music festival and had to go and 'service' some musicians, well she gets back stage and there they...

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Golf pro returns home

Back in the sixties an Irish golfer makes it big in the USA and becomes a millionaire. Wanting to celebrate his success he arranges for a trip back to his lovely green Isle and since he's also a bit of a braggard, he pays to have his very flashy Buick convertible sent back with him on a ship.
...

The Murder at Walmart

There was a married man who was coming to poor terms with his wife and he decided a divorce was too troublesome so he was going to have to kill her. He also decided to get a large life insurance plan that would give him $500,000 after she was killed. However he didn’t want to do it himself, so he as...

Irish Jokes Megathread

Post all of your Irish, St. Patrick's Day, or good ol' Emerald Isle jokes for the day here! I'd like to share some with coworkers.

Why did the Navy captain have a hard time keeping up his insults of the island people?

He had a wrecked isle diss function.

The Job Interview

\- Name?

\- Angus MacTavish.

\- Age?

\- 43.

\- Place of birth?

\- Isle Of Rum.

\- Slow down, we'll get to your hobbies later.

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3 guys on a plane

3 guys on a plane who had never met, found themselves sitting next to each other on row of seats on a flight to Pittsburgh. After they had all sat down and got a chance to look at each other, something was strangely coincidental ... they each had a black eye.

The guy sitting in the isle seat ...

I work in a grocery store...

One day while taking inventory in the breakfast isle, I asked my coworker

"Could you read me the serial number on the box there?"

He replied "Zero zero zero, zero zero.....zero zero."

"Damnit Mark! Those are Froot Loops!"

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An old general store owner needs some help in sales...

So he hires a young farm hand, and explains to him on his first day- "Ya gotta understand the up sell kid"
The kid shakes his head, listening intently.

"The next customer that comes in, I'll demonstrate how it's done okay?"
again the kid nods.

Just then, a customer walks in, ...

Another penguin joke

This was my grandpa's favorite joke, I had to share it here.

A penguin was driving down a desert freeway during a very hot summer. The penguin didn't mind the heat outside, because it had fantastic air conditioning in its car.

...until its car broke down. Luckily, there was a pay...

Hawaii got nervous but...

It missed isle

How do you spot a meth - head in Wal-Mart...

In the light - bulb isle with their cart turned upside down, fixing a squeaky wheel.

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A man tells his wife to run an errand

He says to his wife "Go to the store and pick up some broccoli."
So she heads to the local super market in search of the broccoli.

When she gets there she asks a man at the front desk

"Excuse me sir, where is the broccoli?"

He says "I'm sorry ma'am were out of broccoli."
...

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Stewardess

Two days ago I was on a plane from Edmonton to Vegas. And unlucky me got the middle seat. To my right is a man who has already passed out against the window and to my left beside the isle is a nice old lady. 20 minutes into our flight the captain keys open the mic to inform us we have reached our cr...

What's brown and comes steaming out of cows?

The Isle of Wight ferry!

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A man goes shopping at the market..

He pulls into the frozen food section and looks around, grabbing a few hungry man frozen dinners along with a bag of tater-tots and a few burritos. Next he rolled down the chip isle making sure to grab an original, bbq, and sour cream and onion variety of Lays. Next up: hot dogs, spaghetti, and some...

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A Peg-Legged, Hook-Handed, One-Eyed Pirate...

After thirteen months of sailing the seven seas, a battle-worn schooner filled to the brim with booty and booze makes port in the rag-tag pirate isle of Tortuga.

The captain - a buccaneer known the world over for his utter lack of mercy, his terrible greed, and his hearty girth - lumbers off ...

Daedalus and the Labyrinth

Daedalus, the famous Greek architect and inventor, was relaxing in his home in the Blessed Isles of the Underworld when Hades, the Lord of Death himself, came to him with a favor.

"Listen, Daedalus," Hades began. "You know how the population of the dead here increase every year? The Underworl...

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Roll your Own

A man walks into a store and asks the clerk where he can find the tampons, so he can pick some up for his wife. He is directed to the appropriate "nasty women stuff" isle. He returns a few minutes later with a bag of cotton balls and a roll of kite string. The clerk hesitantly asks, " I know it's no...

The U.S. congress has passed a massive budget to salvage a sunken vessel last year, today they announced their result

The U.S. navy believes it may have discovered the wreckage of the nation’s military submarine, Squalus, which disappeared a century ago off the coast of Isles of Shoals.

A navy mine hunter reportedly made a “contact of interest” while conducting an underwater search for Squalus. The contact w...

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Nearing the end of a long flight,

the pilot starts talking on the intercom announcing that the final approach coming up. Unknowingly, he then lays down the mic, mistakenly leaving it on. The pilot says to the co-pilot, "Man I could sure use a cup of coffee right about now." The co-pilot chuckles and says "Better yet, I could use a ...

My favorite joke as a kid

A duck walks into a hardware store, goes up to the man attending the counter, and asks "Excuse me sir, do you sell any duck food here?" The man simply nods no and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns to the same store. The same guy is behind the counter and once again, the duck ask...

A lady was showing her dog.....

A lady was showing her dog at all of the local shows but despite having the best dog in the show, she never placed higher than third. She cornered one of the judges after the show and asked him why her dog wasn't coming in first place.
"Well, the problem is that your dog has too much hair between...

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Dad told me this one

This guy went Christmas shopping for his daughter. She said she wanted a Barbie. Typical right? Well he went to the toy store and went looking for a couple Barbies. He grabbed the Malibu Barbie, Katniss Barbie and the holland Barbie. As he was leaving the isle he saw a divorce Barbie. It had a $299 ...

An Olympic swimmer...

...is on a cruise ship, when it hits a reef and sinks. Bobbing in the waves, he spies an island in the distance, makes for it, and barely gets ashore. All he finds on the isle are fruit trees, a female sheep and a big dog. The fruit trees provide sustenance, but he starts to feel lonely. The sheep h...

A man and his wife go to the grocery store..,

A man and his wife are walking down the cosmetic isle in the grocery store,

The wife says, "I am going to get this bottle of cream to make me look beautiful it is only $19.95"

The man replies,"You don't need that honey, just put it back."

The man and his wife walk past the beer...

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