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Canna Jokes

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In Scotland we have a saying-"If ye cannae clackit ye widnae brackit."

Nobody knows what the fuck it means.

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The Octopus

*A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.*

*He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, so he says that he will wager $50 to anyone wh...

A new doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital

As they enter one ward, the nearest patient turns to him and says "Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o' the pudden race!"

Before the doctor can react, the patient in the next bed adds "Wee sleekit cowerin' timorous beastie! O what a panic's in thy breastie!"

And not to ...

I went into a Coffeehouse in Scotland

And asked the guy in the counter:
"Hey, can I please get a large Latte with Oat milk?"

Dazed and confused, he looked at me and said: "Sir, am sorry, we cannae make a Latte withoot milk..."

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My favorite joke for my cake day

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Japanese man are hired at a construction site.
The foreman says to the Italian "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Asian "You're in charge of supplies. Now, I have to leave for a little while."
Later when...

I walked into a hospital ward today looking for a mate....

No staff around so I asked a patient in bed where the staff were, he said ' Some hae meat and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it'

So I asked the next guy, he said ' But we hae meat, and we can eat sae let the Lord be thankit'

I asked the next guy and he started singing Auld Lang ...

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Alessandro was all excited to emigrate to America from Italy

But just few days later he was back in his home town. His friends asked him “Alessandro wha happen?”
Alessandro said “Well I landa in New York and its a too cold. I say America land of the free, I go anywhere do anything. I taka the train to Florida. On the train, I smoka cigarette. The conducta ...

How did the stoners get to Woodstock?

They rode the canna-bus.

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some h...

Irishman...

Old Patrick O'Reilly is on his deathbed. He calls his oldest son to his bedside:

"Son, you wouldn't deny yer poor old father his last request, now would you?"

"No, of course not, Da! Anything!"

"Well then, I want you to run over and fetch the Protestant minister across the wa...

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O'Malley was really smashed this time.

I'm talking traffic cone huggin, pavement lickin kershnickered.

He was really doing good stumblin home, though. He made it all the way up the walk and almost to the top of the stairs before he fell back on the the pavement and heard the breaking of glass.

The pint of Paddy's he had ...

A little Catholic boy and a little Protestant girl, both about four years old, were growing up in Northern Ireland...

Even though Catholics and Protestants didn’t generally get along with one another, the two played together often, not understanding why their families said they shouldn’t be friends.

On one particularly hot day, the two were playing when the little girl said, “‘Tis terribly hot today. We sho...

Whit's the differ atween a rich Scotsman, a puir Scotsman, an a deid Scotsman?

The rich Scotsman has a canopy ower his bed.

The puir Scotsman has a can o pee under his bed.

The deid Scotsman cannae pee at a'.

[If you need help: http://www.dsl.ac.uk/]

A Scottish man and his Korean wife take their daughter to the fair...

They walk around enjoying the sights, trying their best to blend in with the crowds. Their daughter sees a stage with a sign for a beauty pageant that says "Open entry, TRUE SCOTS ONLY!"

She drags her parents towards it, wanting to enter. They approach the official, asking how to sign her up ...

Do ya know the difference between Scots and Scotch?

Ay now.

A Scot is a lad that can play the pipes.

Scotch is what makes it so that he canna.

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are taking their wives to play golf.

The Englishman's wife walks up to the tee, bends over to put her ball on the tee, the wind blows her skirt up and she isn't wearing underwear. The Englishman says, "My heavens Elizabeth where are your underthings? She replies "Reginald, on the money you give me for the household, I can't afford un...

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Man walks into a bar with an Octopus

He puts the octopus on the bar and declares to everyone in the pub ‘£50 says this octopus can play any instrument’. First man steps up and places a trumpet in front of the Octopus, it immediately picks it up and plays it like Dizzy Gillespie. ‘That’s amazing’ says the man and duly pays his £50. Seco...

Two men are walking down the street when they notice an enormous hole

The hole appears bottomless and the men, being men, want to see how deep it is. They find an anvil near by, grab a side each, shuffle over to the hole and chuck it in. The anvil drops like a stone but makes absolutely no noise. The men look at each other with a puzzled expression. Suddenly they hear...

A young nurse is hired at a Glasgow hospital.

Towards the end of the shift, he is assigned to a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease. He goes to greet the first patient. "Hello, sir, how are you today? Is there anything I can do for you?" The patient replies,

"Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe...

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So a duck walks into a bar

DUCK hey

BARTENDER Holy shit, you can speak?

DUCK Yeah, I can sing tenor opera too goddammit, you wanna pick your jaw of the goddam bar and get me a cold beer an a cheese sam'ich?

BARTENDER Sure thing, sorry, comin' right up. So, ah, you new around here?

DUCK Yeah I'm jus...

A Church in Ireland needed a bellringer...

...for their new belltower, so they put out an advert in the local paper.

*Bellringer needed for the dawn bell. Large bell, strength needed. Apply in person at the church*

Sure enough, the next day there is a knock on the door. Father Angus answers, eager to meet the applicant.
...

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