Bad Habit Jokes - 44 Hilarious Bad Habit Jokes

Ever year after Thanksgiving, I give up all my bad habits.

I can do it, because I have lots of cold turkey.

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I had a bad habit of stealing salt from my local deli...

For some reason, I loved putting the salt all over me, even sleeping in piles of it. I talked to a therapist about this problem, and he suggested the first step is confessing it to the store owners. I told them about what I've been doing every time I visit their shop and that seemed to do the trick....

I have the bad habit of asking internet strangers for advice

Do you guys have ideas on how I can stop doing this?

I have a bad habit of screaming during rectal exams.

It really makes my patients nervous.

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The priest's bad habit

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicorette patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis".

The othe...

If you want to stop a bad habit...

eat a cyanide capsule

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year ...

... but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

[NSFW] What bad habit in the bedroom forced the guy to break up with his girlfriend?

She'd take a lickin but kept on kickin

I've got a really bad habit.

It's telling people my flaws.

Carrots have a hard time getting rid of bad habits.

It's a deeply rooted issue.

My son had a bad habit of drawing everywhere. First he started vandalising his toys, then the newspapers and eventually the furniture. But when he drew on the walls I had to stop him.

Because that's where I draw the line

Bad habits, Dirty.

A woman was tired of her husband coming home drunk late every night so she got clever and made a new rule for him. When the man would stumble to the front door she would say”blow through the key hole so I know if you’re drunk or not, and if so I’m not letting you in.” Well a week goes by of this ne...

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Apparently Ive got a bad habit of correcting myself at the wrong moments

I think *edit: spelling* that's bullshit.

For the past 20 years my wife has been complaining about me not putting the cap back on the toothpaste.

Last anniversary, I decided to change this bad habit and make my wife happy.

For a week, I was diligent, always capping the toothpaste. I was expecting my wife to thank me, but she never did it.

Finally last night, she turned and looked at me and said - "why have you stopped brushing...

Why wouldn't a nun walk around in a bikini?

Because it's a bad habit

What do you call it when a nun sins regularly?

Bad habits

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My doctor advised me to watch my bad habits..

... so I now produce child porn.

Joke My Grandfather told me today

So a Mans Wife would lock him out of the house every night when he came home drunk, and she would always smell his breath through the key hole. After a couple of bad days at work the man decides to revisit the bar thinking he can fool his wife so after he gets done drinking he stops by the local sup...

I saw a Nun with her clothes inside-out today...

I asked her about it, and she said it was *a bad habit of hers*

A man falls asleep in church

Every Sunday a man and his wife attend church. The man has a bad habit of falling asleep during services, so one Sunday his wife brings a hat pin and pokes him everytime he drifts off. The priest is giving his sermon and asks who gave birth to Jesus? The man is asleep wife jabs him and he blurts o...

Church lady

There was a church lady who always was dressed very properly and always carried her bible with her. She had a bad habit of judging people and letting them know what she thought of them.
One day, she was riding on the crosstown bus and a drunk guy got on. There was only one seat left which was ri...

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The Kid's Betting Habits

A father was very upset about his young son's betting habits, so went up to school to talk to the boy's teacher, who promised to have a word with him.

"Maybe if he lost heavily on a bet, it would cure him," she suggested. That night after school she asked the boy to stay behind and confronted...

Did you hear about the nun having a wardrobe malfunction?

Turns out she had a bad habit.

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The parrot on the piano

(Not my own)

A parrot developed the bad habit of fucking the farmer's hens, making them quit laying. The farmer tells the parrot if he does it again he will pull out every feather in the parrot's head. The next day, the farmer again catches the parrot humping a hen, and snatches the parrot ba...

Did you hear about the monk that couldn’t stop taking his robes off?

It was a bad habit

A girl asks a boy on their first date

Girl : Do you smoke?

Boy : No, I don't.

Girl : Do you drink?

Boy : Hell no!

Girl : So you don't have any bad habits?

Boy : I have one.

Girl : What's that?

Boy : I lie.

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The Dark side of KungFu

Master: I've been watching you for a while and have decided you aren't good enough.

Disciple: But I will try harder master.

Master: I'ts no good, you don't learn, your lazy and full of bad habits.
So instead I will break tradition and show you the forbidden Black Arts.

Discip...

Well made nun clothes are actually more easily torn apart than poorly made ones.

Bad habits are hard to break.

I saw a few nuns at a bus stop...one of them was smoking a cigarette, one of them was wearing a beanie...

You could say they had a couple bad habits.

From a 19th Century Joke Book

Little Willie was six years of age and had a very bad habit of telling falsehoods about everything he saw or heard. One day, while out on the street playing, he saw a very large dog, and, becoming frightened, rushed into the house and said, “Oh, mother, I saw a big bear on the street and he chased m...

Why did Bryan Cranston dress up as a priest and go around exorcising nuns' clothing?

He was breaking bad habits.

My nun friend has started to wear holely clothes recently.

I think she is getting into a bad habit.

Why did the nun swear when she got her new outfit?

It was a bad habit.

A drug addict and a nun

So a drug addict walks up to a nun and sees that her clothes are ripped. He looks at her and says, "Sister, you have a bad habit."

Pregnant Woman

There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat.

Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I kno...

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In Bilbo Baggins' old age, he develops an addiction to Viagra.

For many years, he tries his hardest to break his bad habit, but he just can't seem to stop. Eventually, he overdoses on Viagra and dies.

The moral of the story: Old hobbits die hard.

Define the lecturer

Teacher to Student: Can you define the lecturer?

Student: A lecturer is person who has bad habit of speaking when someone is sleeping.

The perfect guy

After a long run of many disappointing guys, this girl finally meets a guy of her dreams. They go on a date.

The girl asks: "you are really handsome, I really look forward to give it a try. Do you mind if I ask you few questions?"

The guy answers: "sure, what is it?"

The girl as...

What do deviant nuns have?

Big bad habits.

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A mother of 3 boys, ages 4, 6,7, goes to see a Doctor.

She explains that the boys have developed a bad habit of cursing quite a bit. And asks for advice on ways to stop them. He asks her," ma'am I've known these boys awhile and I've wandered if u have ever even spanked them?! They are the most unruly children i have ever known." The mother says," oh my ...

Top10 signs your son is too old for breast feeding

10. He can open your blouse by himself; with one hand.

9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.

8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.

7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.

6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
<...

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Little Johnny and the Alphabet

Little Johnny is in kindergarten and loves to say curse words. His teacher has become rather annoyed with his bad habit, so much so that she second guesses even calling on little Johnny to answer questions. Today’s lesson was the alphabet. The teacher asks each student to raise their hand if they kn...

Clergy with terrible, terrible habits.

A Catholic priest, a Methodist pastor, a Baptist minister, and an Episcopalian rector were attending an ecumenical conference. After the conferences were done and they had supper, they were relaxing in the hotel restaurant, talking.

The Catholic priest said, "You know, it's great to get to k...

2 Jokes

Joke 1: A man is driving alongside a cliff leading down into the ocean. He's a delivery man for Dunkin' donuts, so his truck is filled with boxes of donuts of every kind. Glazed, old-fashioned, even apple fritters, you name it, he has it in his truck. Now this man is in a hurry, and he's driving pre...

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