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At The Gates Jokes

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

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Three people arrive at the gates of Heaven

St Peter is processing them in. "Name and occupation, please?"

The first one says "Andrea Smith, I was a doctor."

"Of course. Doctors who save lives are allowed. Come in. Next?"

The second one says "Megan Jones, I was a nurse."

"Of course. Nurses who care for the sic...

A woman dies and finds herself at the gates to haven.

When she gets there, she is confused as she saw how many others are standing and sitting outside, cracking eggs, mixing batter, and baking something.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every...

Two women who recently died were waiting at the Gates of Heaven

Woman 1: “So, how did you die?”

Woman 2: “I froze to death.”

Woman 1: “Wow, that must’ve been so painful. I’m so sorry.”

Woman 2: “It was, but after a while you go numb & don’t feel as much. How did you die?”

Woman 1: “Well, I thought my husband was cheating on me. So...

An old priest died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven

Next to him was a young Uber driver who died seconds ago from his reckless driving.

The priest was called first, and St Peter said, "For your life long career working for the church, we will give you a small studio where you can stay at for the rest of eternity."

Then St Peter turns to...

A Calvinist arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

He sees that there are two lines going in. One has a sign that reads "predestined," and the other, "free will". He naturally heads to the predestined line.

While waiting, an angel comes and asks him "Why are you in this line?"

He replies, "Because I chose it."

The angel looks su...

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At the gates of Heaven, St. Peter says, “aight y’all. We’re under-staffed…

…and frankly I’m just trying to get fired at this point. We can’t just let any goody-two-shoes into Heaven anymore and I just don’t give a fuck so you’re only allowed in if you’ve had a particularly brutal death. Because I’m St motherfucking Peter and I said so.”

This fat guy walks up. “I thi...

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It was a long day at the gates of heaven, and St Peter was ready to go home

The final man in line walked up. He was a little man, wearing a tuxedo which looked like it had been scorched, and he was holding a golden baton. The man's appearance was otherwise unremarkable, but for the gigantic, shit eating smile on his face.

"What happened to you, sir?"

"I got ...

A man and his girlfriend died in a car accident and meets Peter at the Pearly Gates

Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven, do you have any questions?"

To which the man replies, "Yes, my girlfriend and I never had a chance to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?"

Peter says, "That's a good question, I will be back when I have the answer."

Left...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven.

"In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he said.

"Very well, you may pass through the pearl...

Two women died and appear at the gates of Heaven

Saint Peter, standing at the gates, asks the first woman.
What was the last thing you remember doing?
Woman: Blowing bubbles while riding in a car.
Peter: Name?
Woman: Jess.
Peter smiles and says: Well Jess, blowing bubbles in a car is not a sin so you may enter Heaven. ...

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After dying Hitler arrives at the gates of heaven

God asks him his name and on hearing "Hitler" instantly remarks that he should be sent to Hell. Hitler pleads to God to atleast consider some merit for him in heaven. To this God rumbles " You persecuted millions of Jews, led a second world war to happen and caused the German people to suffer a lot....

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At the gates of heaven

3 men are at the gates of Heaven, Peter says, "It's getting pretty full in here, so the one with the worst story of how he died will get in." The first guy starts he says, " I was doing naked yoga on my balcony, I live on the 27th floor, and I slipped over the balcony, I only fell 1 floor down and c...

A guy shows up at the gates of heaven

St. Peter prepares to welcome the man, but before St. Peter can greet him, the man walks away. A few moments later, the exact same thing happens. This repeats itself a couple of times before St. Peter angrily asks: "For God's sake, are you gonna come in or not!?"

The man, walking away yet aga...

A man dies and arrives at the gates of heaven.

St Peter welcomes him with "this is the gate to eternal happiness, to enter you must tell me a selfless action you did in your life on earth."

The man thinks for a while and replies "Well there was this one time... this kid knocked over some motor cycles and a group of angry drunken bikers c...

A man dies and ends up at the gates

A being shows him an elevator and explained "on the first level, you will see a woman. You can choose to get off, or continue upward"

So he goes to the first floor and sees a woman, who isn't very attractive. She says "you can choose to get off, or carry on to success"

The man continue...

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One day Jesus is helping St. Peter at the Gates to Heaven...

One day Jesus is helping St. Peter at the Gates to Heaven when an old man approaches.

"What have you done to enter Paradise?" Jesus asks.

"Me?" replies the old man, "not much, I am just a simple carpenter but my son makes me worthy."

"Your son?" asks Jesus

"Yes, my son. H...

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A bus full of nuns crashed and they all line up at the gates to heaven to talk to St. Peter

The first admits: "I've once seen a penis!" so St. Peter oders her to wash her eyers from a basin with holy water

the second admits: "I've once touched a penis", so she is told to wash her hands from the same basin.

Suddenly there is pushing and rumbling a bit further back in the line....

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An Irishman, a Greek, and a Jew die and stand at the gates of heaven

The keeper of the gates tells them "Well, you have all lived pretty decent lives, but you all fall victim to your respective stereotypes. So here's what's going to happen. You all will go back down to earth for 24 hours and you must avoid your weaknesses.
"Irishman, alcohol cannot touch your lips...

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Two women died and were waiting at the gates of heaven. They talked to each other.

“How did you die?”

“I froze to death. It was painful and took a long time. And you? How did you die?”

“A heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating on me and I came home suddenly. He was alone in our bedroom. But I felt his girlfriend was somewhere! So I spend a long time lookin...

3 men arrived at the gates of heaven.

God said he would only allow them in if they had a funny story of how they died.

The first man was a window cleaner, working on the 14th floor of an apartment building. Suddenly, his scaffolding broke, and he fell. Luckily he was able to grab onto the windowsill of a 13th floor apartment. Bef...

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3 Guys Appear at the Gates of Heaven suddenly!

St Peter is Surprised and asked the first guy how he got here. " I had come home from a horrible day at work only to find my wife in bed naked and cheating on me with another man. However I searched everywhere and I got so angry I picked up the fridge, chucked it out the window and then had a heart ...

The Pope dies and stands in front of the gates of heaven.

St. Peter looks at him confused:" Who are you? I don't know you." The Pope says" I'm the Pope, the holy father". Peter scrolls through his holy book " Pope, Pope, holy father..... nope, not in here". Now the Pope is confused "But I'm God's representative on earth." Peter says " Pease wait a minute" ...

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Adolf Hitler dies and arrives at the gates of heaven …

Jesus opens the gate and asks what he wants.

“ can I get into heaven ?”asks Hitler.

Jesus looks at him in disbelief “ your joking? You’re Adolf Hitler one of the most hated men in history, responsible for the death and suffering of millions.. I don’t think so!”

Hitler says “ I t...

An oil prospector is waiting at the gates of heaven.

St. Peter had some bad news for an oil prospector who appeared at the pearly gates of heaven: “You’re qualified for admission,” said St. Peter, “but, as you can see, the section for oil prospectors is packed. There’s no way to fit you in.”

After a moment, the prospector asked to say just four...

3 men are in line to get into heaven

St. Peter is waiting at the gates of heaven and calls the first man up.

Peter says, "You never cheated on your wife! I'm going to let you drive around heaven in a Ferrari!"

So he gets in the car and drives off through the gates.

Peter then called 2nd man up. Peter says, "Oh no, ...

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven"...

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me.....

A guy arrives at the gates of heaven.

St. Peter welcomes him and gives him a tour of the main building. One of the room is filled with clocks.
St. Peter explains: "These clocks keep track of every lie someone deceased or still alive has ever made. For example, this is Mother Teresa's clock. The time is exactly midnight 0 minutes 3 se...

Three women at the gates of heaven

3 women die in a car accident. They get to the gates of heaven and Saint Peter is standing there. He says "to get into heaven, you just cross a an area of land without stepping on any turtles." (the entire area is FILLED with turtles).

The first woman takes a turn but she accidentally steps ...

3 Nuns appear before St. Peter at the gates of Heaven.

Upon seeing the three, Peter states: "As I see that all three of you are women of faith. I see no reason to even look up the sins of your life to assess your worthiness to enter Heaven. However, I must test your faith by each asking you one question to see your knowledge of the holy book."

Th...

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Three men arive at the gates of heaven

There they meet the gate keeper who informs the that heaven has been getting a little full recently and that he is only alowed to open the gates for people who have died terrible deaths and that he would need to hear their story.

The first man steps forward and says: i came home early from wo...

A man is speaking with Saint Peter at the gates of Heaven.

Saint Peter asks him if he has done any good deeds in his time on Earth to merit entry into paradise.

Thinking for a moment, he says, "I was once in a bar in Arizona. I noticed a beautiful woman sitting alone, but before I could introduce myself a bunch of Hell's Angels stormed in and starte...

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A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. ”

St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “S...

Three men were at the gates of heaven

There was only room for one person. St Peter asked each of them how they died, and the best story got through.

Man 1: I was adamant my wife was cheating. I came up to my apartment on the 24th floor and walked in, only to find my wife by herself. I was pleasantly surprised until I saw a man ha...

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Four nuns died and were at the gates of heaven. An angel greeted them.

"Welcome to heaven, dear sisters. God awaits you inside. But in order to be able to enter heaven, you have to be cleansed of your sins first."

Then the angel summoned a huge bowl with some kind of holy, luminous water in it and called the first nun.

"Have you got any sins to be cleanse...

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At the gates of heaven Gabriel is deciding fates.

A man walks up ranting of misfortune. When asked why he's so mad he explained

" I was sure my wife was cheating on me. So one day I left work early to catch her in the act. When I walked into our apartment she was surprised. Nude and sweaty so I knew someone was there. I look under the bed i...

Shakespeare and Lord Byron at the gates of Heaven

Shakespeare and Lord Byron get to the gates of heaven at the same time but St Peter regrets to confirm that they only have one vacancy left. He decides to let them compete for the one spot in a poem writing competition. He gives the task to include "Timbuktu" in an improvised poem. Lord Byron goes f...

A man arrives at the gates of heaven

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

The man says, "Methodist."

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"

"Baptist."

"Go ...

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Two men waiting at the gates

“2 men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the 1st guy “
How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the 2nd man. "You get the shakes, and...

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There are three men standing at the gates of heaven

Each of them must describe the way they died before entering.
The first man says, "Well, I had a suspicion that my wife might be cheating on me, so I came home early to our apartment to catch them in the act. At first, I'm walking around and I don't see anything. However, when I walk over to the ...

A man is at the gates to hell...

In front of him are 2 gigantic doors. One is made of twisted red oak, and the other of smooth polished iron.


Sitting between the doors are 2 huge red identical looking demons. One is seated on an enormous ornately carved ivory chair. The other on an identically carved but shining black e...

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Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven.

St Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned.

"Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said.

"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her.

Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned.

"Well, once I held a man's pe...

Three men died and are waiting at the gates of heaven.

The three men approach St. Peter and he informs them "In order to get into heaven you must confess your worst sin"

The first man steps up and confesses his sin, "I stole a car St. Peter." St. Peter responds, "Bless yourself with the holy water and you may enter heaven my child."

The s...

You and two of your friends die and go to Heaven. At the gates, ...

St. Peter greets all of you, "Welcome to Heaven, guys. You all lived pretty good lives, so we're going to let you all in. We only have one rule in Heaven - don't step on any ducks."

Friend 1 thinks, that must be a pretty easy rule to follow.

Then the three of you walk through the gates...

St Peter is at the gates of Heaven,

The line for people who have died is getting rather long. St. Peter tells God that he doesn't have time to make sure that all of the people who deserve to be in heaven are let in.

God replies: "for today, only let those through who have had...interesting deaths."

St. Peter returns to t...

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A train ploughs into the side of a catholic girls school bus.

A train ploughs into the side of a Catholic girls school bus, killing them all. At the gates of heaven, st Peter asks the girls "have any of you ever touched a penis?"

The first girl, Paula, shyly says "I once touched the head of a penis with the tip of my finger." St Peter says "Okay, dip y...

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the
Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting around were her parents
and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw
her and began calling greetings to her, "Hello! How are you! We'v...

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St.peter was standing at his podium next to the gates of heaven...

He was flipping through the pages of a magazine, bored, when God appeared in a flash of light. "Peter", he said. "Heaven has become a bit overcrowded. I'm afraid we're going to have to make some changes to policy. From now on, when people approach the gates, ask them what kind of day they had. Only ...

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A line of four recently-deceased souls lines up at the gates of Heaven, awaiting their judgement...

St. Peter addressed the first man in line. “While you were alive all you cared about was getting drunk. You loved alcohol so much that you married a woman named Brandy.” St. Peter promptly turned the man away.
To the second man St. Peter said, “While you were alive the only thing you truly cared...

The pope dies and gets met by Jesus at the gates of heaven.

As they step inside, a ferarri pulls up and a man in red robes steps out with a beautiful blonde on his arm.

Shocked at such impropriety from a Cardinal, the pope asks Jesus what is going on.

"Oh," says Jesus, "he was a pious, celibate man his whole life, so dad gave him the opportuni...

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A flat earther dies and goes to heaven.

At the gates of heaven, St. Peter says to them, "Before you enter the gates of heaven, you may ask god one question."

The flat earther asks, "God, is the earth flat?"

God responds, "The earth is 100% a globe."

The flat earther exclaims, "Holy crap! This conspiracy runs deeper th...

A kayak instructor and a priest sit at the gates of heaven.

An angel says to them “sorry, but there is only room for one more person in heaven. “
He then leaves to go consult with the other angels. The priest says “it’s obviously going to be me because I’m the most spiritual.”
The angel then returns and says that the kayak instructor is going to go in....

Three Buddhist monks are at the gates of heaven....

trying to persuade St. Peter to let them in. Although his first reaction was to deny them entry, he decided to give them each a chance. They would gain entry upon telling him the story of Easter.
The first monk said, "Easter is a very happy time, a bearded fat man comes down a chimney and gives p...

A mathematician asks his coworker to solve a complex equation for him.

After some struggle, the coworker finds that he can't figure out the answer in just one day, so the next day he tells the mathematician that he'll need two more days to find a proper solution.

Two more days pass and he still can't solve the equation, so he goes back and asks him for just thre...

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a priest a rabbi and 3kids are at the gates to heaven.

God said "we're having a small housing problem. Only 3of you can enter, The others will go to hell. You talk amongst yourselves and decide who gets to go in."

The priest and rabbi talk about who gets to go in.

"Fuck the kids." Said the rabbi

To which the priest replied "The b...

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3 men at the gates of heaven...

Sadly though, heaven is too full and only one of them can make it across. God suggests that he will choose the man with the saddest death. The first guy goes,"I thought my wife was cheating on me, so one day, I decided to go home early to check. After I got home though, I found my wife in the shower...

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4 nuns arrive at the gates of Heaven...

St. Peter is at the Pearly Gates and he says:

Peter - "Before any of you enter the Kingdom of Heaven, are there any sins you would like to confess to?"

The first nun steps up.

Nun 1 - "Yes. I have seen a man naked before."

Peter - " Did you enjoy it?" ...

There is a huge queue of nuns at the gates of heaven

At the steps of heaven, Petrus is standing in front of a gate with a bucket of water besides him.
In front of him is a huge queue of nuns, all wishing to enter the divine realm!

Petrus looks at the nuns and shouts "Listen up all of you who have served God so well. Before you enter Heaven, ...

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An old black meets St. Peter at the gates of heaven

St. Peter is there, and tells him

"Welcome, in order to get into the kingdom of heaven you must have done something worthwhile with your life, what have you done my son?"

"well", he said in a raspy voice, "I made love to a white woman"

"...okaay" St. Peter responded, "that's......

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