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4am Jokes

This weird woman was pounding my door at 4am. I had no idea who she was.

So I had to let her out.

Russian prime minister Medvedev comes to Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.

" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
<...

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zealand , is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut ...

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A drunkard was zigzagging his way through the streets at 4AM. Two policemen in a car decided to approach him...

One cop asked "where are you going at this time of night?"

"I'm going to a lecture"

"A lecture?! At this time of night? What about?!"

"About the effects of alcohol and drugs on the human body. The damages caused by living a reckless life. The degradation that free love and sex ...

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It's impossible to get any sleep at my new apartment. Just last night I had a bitch bangin on my door until 4am.

Eventually I had to let her out!

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The other night I was invited for a night out with the boys, and I told my wife I would be home by midnight.

Well, the hours passed, and the Jameson shots went down a little too easy. Before I knew it, it was 3:45AM and I was plastered, so I quickly ordered a cab home.

Just as I walked in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckoo'd 4 times to signal 4AM. Quickly realizing my wife ...

A moss covered rock finds out he needs to wake up at 4AM for his new job

"Wow, that's a bit early for my lichen"

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[NSFW] Every morning at precisely 4am I wake up and give my cock a really good beating.

And yet the next day at 4am, he still "cockadoodledoos!"

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A plane was going down

You have the pope, a priest, the choir boys, and a narcissist, And only 1 parachute. The narcissist grabs the parachute and say's "I'm too important to die" The pope replies "But think about the children" The narcissist replies "Fuck the children!" The priest responds "Do you think we have time?" "E...

Ben is serving term in prison for fraud. One day he receives a letter from his father, Maurice

Dear Ben,

It looks like I won't be able to plant anything in the garden this year. I am growing too old to do any digging without your help. Looking forward to your early release.

Love, Dad

Ben replies:

Dear Dad,

Please don't dig up the garden - that's where I hid ...

I’m tired of my wife beating me up everyday. I’ll show her…

I’m gonna wake up at 4am tomorrow.

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Man vs Owl

A man was invited to his best friend’s Bachelor party and told his wife he would be back by midnight at the latest. The wife, who didn’t like him going out by himself with his buddies for a night of fun told him “midnight, not a second later or there will be hell to pay”

But of course there w...

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What do you do when you’re masturbating but get tired?

You take a masturbreak.

(I thought of this at like 4am last night and laughed out loud at myself and just really wanted to share)

The Original Bird Box Challenge

Is Getting up to Pee at 4am

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Sam was at the bar

As it's now 4am he decided it was time to go home to his wife who he prayed was sleeping else he'd get in shit for being at the pub so late.
So Sam went to stand up but fell over! Thinking to himself "my lord I'm drunk" he tried to stand up again but once again his legs gave out, he thought "scre...

You know whaf the worst part about being vegan is?

Getting up at 4am to milk the almonds

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An old man goes to the doctor for a check up...

The doc asks "is there anything concerning you?"

The old man replies "well, every morning at 4am sharp I need a pee. Then at 6am sharp I need a shit"

The doctor says "well it's great a man of your age is so regular, why are you worried"

The old man replies "but, I don't wake up ...

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The real story of Cinderella

Many people don't know the true story, but the fairy godmother told Cinderella that if she did not return from the ball by midnight, her vagina would turn into a pumpkin. So Cinderella left and the fairy godmother waited patiently for her return. Midnight came, no Cinderella. 2am, no Cinderella. Fin...

I would go vegan but

I'm not willing to get up at 4am to milk the almonds.

Paddy needed a job

Shawn said why not try a lumber jack?
So off he went to the forman.
Paddy he says if you can do 100 trees a day , you're hired.
Off Paddy went, only 10 trees the 1st day.
Forman says, now Paddy, i have guys who can do 100 without breaking a sweat.
Paddy forgoes breakfast and lunch but...

Three Dumb ER Stories You’re Allowed To Laugh At

Patient in to ER at 0400 with no complaints: ‘I have been having chest pain for 4 months but I am not having chest pain now. The reason I’m here now is because I heard that 4am is the best time to come cause there are not that many people.’ ”

“Had a woman call 911 because she ‘had déjà vu in ...

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Moon River

Two guys are working the night shift at a funeral parlor when they get a call to pick up a body from a car wreck.

They go to the accident and bring the body back to the funeral home. It's now about 3AM so one guys wants to put the body on ice and get to work on him the next morning but the o...

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Potato Patch

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Fred, I am feeling pretty bad because i...

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Boudreaux and Thibodeaux are sitting in a bar...

They're both drinking heavily and having a great time when Boudreaux throws up all over himself.

"Oh man, my wife is gonna kill me when I get home and she sees this" cried Boudreaux.

Thibodeaux says "Don't worry" and he hands Boudreaux a twenty dollar bill. "When you get home, just te...

There once was a man named Ivan who lived with his family in a Siberian forest...

After years of living in the harsh region, Ivan became rough, tough, hard to bluff, and extremely used to hardship.

He was large, muscular, and able to chop down a fully grown Siberian pine tree with one swing of his axe. This came in handy as Ivan had to chop down many trees to be used as fi...

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