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The Road Jokes

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

She wasn't wearing her seatbelt.

A man and his wife were driving down the road and talking...

the wife said to her husband, "Honey if I were to die, would you get remarried?" The husband thought for a moment and then said, "Well, yes I think I would." The wife wasn't too happy about this, she spent some time in quiet thought. Then, after a while she said, "Honey, if I were to die and you wer...

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A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks directly up to the Madam, drops down $500, and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’,...

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An old fellow walking down the road and sees a frog sitting in the grass. The frog says...

"Hey there if you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful woman for ya."
The old man picks up the frog and puts it in his shirt pocket and keeps on down the road. About a mile down the road the frog looks up at him and says "Aren't you going to kiss me?"
The old man says "No I don't thi...

My Daughter: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

Me: "I dunno"

"To get to the idiots house"
.
.
.
.
.
"Knock knock"

Me: "Who's there?"

"It's the chicken...."



She's 8...

Cop : you are driving on the wrong side of the road

Driver: Sorry, I‘m English

Cop: (shouting) Oii.. It‘s the rong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

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A man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over.

The cop says to the man:

\- Do you know that you were speeding, sir?
\- No officer, I didn't know I was speeding...

The wife then says:

\- Come on, Henry, you knew you were speeding, I've been telling you to slow down for miles.

The man shoots a dark look at his wife...

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A guy is driving through Nevada and sees a sign along the road with a large cross and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 5 miles ahead."

He shakes his head and thinks "I must have read that wrong."

He continues on and a few minutes later see another sign, this one with a praying nun on it and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, Next Exit. So Good It's Miraculous!"

He decides he has to see this so he pull...

Why did the console player cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side.

Why did the sperm cross the road?

I put on the wrong socks this morning.

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Three tampons are walking down the road. A thin, a regular, and a super. Which one says hi first?

None. They're all stuck up cunts

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Why did the semen cross the road?

I wore the wrong socks this morning



*Edit: Not my joke but haven't seen it here and thought it was funny :)*

Please becareful on the roads

Lots of people are drinking excessively and having their wives drive

A Blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.

The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked. The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has you picture on it.’

The driver finally found a square mirror in ...

Why did the chicken cross the road?







To take a photo in front of a church.

why did a child cross the road?

cause he didnt wear his seatbelt

A man picks up a hitchhiker on the side of the road

The hitchhiker says, " I'm surprised you picked me up. I could've been a serial killer."

The driver responded, "The chance of two serial killers being in the same car is astronomical."

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road, and a dead lawyer in the road?

There's skid marks in front of the skunk.

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A gunman stops a driver driving through a scary countryside road and says "Step out of the car and take your dick out..."

Driver: *freezes at this unexpected turn of events*

Gunman: *In a louder voice* "Do it"

Driver: "Please don't shoot. I'll do whatever you ask"

Driver proceeds to step out of the car and take his pants off.

Gunman: "Now start masturbating or I'll put a bullet in your head"...

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A priest and a rabbi are standing on the side of the road holding a sign that says, "TURN AROUND! THE END IS NIGH!!!"

A young man passing by in a car slows down and sticks his head out of the window to shout at them, "Get fucked, you religious freaks" and zooms ahead at full speed.

Moments later, they hear a yell followed by a loud splash.

The rabbi turns to the priest and says, "I told you we should ...

85% of all Fords made are still on the road today...

The other 15% made it home.

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barny...

Why did the dog cross the road, roll in the dirt, and cross the road again?

Because he’s a dirty, double-crossing son of a b*tch.

*edit* And a such GOOD one, yes he IS!

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Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign..

"The way you've taken is wrong, stop and turn back now, before it's too late!"

The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a sparse finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later a loud crash is heard.

One of the nuns thoughtfully says,

-Sister, shall we ju...

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Why'd the pervert cross the road?

Because his dick was stuck in the chicken.

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A young man is walking down the road carrying chicken wire

He passes by this old man’s house and the old man says, “Hey son, what are you doing with that chicken wire?” The young man says, “I’m going to catch me some chickens.” The old man laughs and says, “You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire.” So the young man keeps walking. But sure enough, later t...

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

A chicken saw a duck standing by the side of the road. The chicken called out to the duck:

Don't do it pal. You'll never hear the end of it!

As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."

"Until the pressure got to him."

A little boy was walking on the road eating a chocolate.

A man came over and said, "Son, eating chocolates is bad for your health."

The boy replied, "Do you know, my Grandpa lived to be 105 years old."

"By eating chocolates?" The man asked.

"No, by minding his own business." He replied.

Why did the Libertarian cross the road?

None of your damn business. Am I being detained?

A man was driving down the road when an officer stopped him.

The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”
The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”
“You need to take them to the zoo,” the officer said.
The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled ...

A driving teacher asks his student "There are 2 people standing on the road, your mother and your wife. What do you hit?"

Student: "My wife"

DT: "For the 3rd time, you'll hit the brakes!"

A man was driving along the road

A man was driving along the road when suddenly a Ferrari whizzed past him and the driver inside yelled "ever driven a Ferrari mate?"

This angered the man, and accelerated to catch up to the Ferrari and give the driver a piece of his mind.

However as he was about to reach the Ferrari, i...

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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said....

Why did the pig cross the road?

Because the chicken told him to teargas protestors for a photo-op

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try ...

One day I changed a lightbulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.

Then I realized my whole life was a joke.

I used to hitchhike by the side of the road, but it never got me anywhere. So I started hitchhiking in the middle of the road.

Which got me a free bed and some food for a while.

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2 nuns driving down the road when a vampire jumps out onto the bonnet.

Sister Mary: "What will we do?"

Sister Angela "Show him your cross"

*sister Mary leans out the window*

Sister Mary "Get off my fuckin bonnet!"

Driving down the road and saw my ex.

It’s funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years.

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A man is driving down the street one night and sees a nun hitchhiking on the side of the road.

Wanting to do a good deed, he pulls over and offers to pick her up.

Thankful, the nun gladly accepts his ride and tells him where she is heading. This happens to be on the way for him anyway, so even better!

The conversation on the way is a bit stiff at first — you know, not really kno...

My 8 year old cousin: " Why did the chicken cross the road?"

8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house.

Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha.

8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock

Me: Who's there

8yo: The chicken.

A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear-view mirror pulls to the side of the road.

After coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.

The man asks, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: "You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you."

Man: "No sir, I was going a little over 60."

Wife: "O...

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Why did the semen cross the road?

Because you wore the wrong sock today.

While I'm up here on the moral highground, let me tell you about poor little Ukurugenzi.

Ukurugenzi is an 8-year old Kenyan orphan who walks 11 miles to his mud-hut school every day. With your donation of just 25 cents a day, we can buy a whip and...

Cake day joke: a redditor’s mom saw him sitting in the middle of the road, making a post to r/jokes. “What are you doing son?” she asked, appalled by his recklessness. “It’s my cake day, ma” said the redditor. “What does that have to do with being in the road?” his mom asked. The redditor replied….

I want to get hit with that karma.

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Why did the mods of r/iamatotalpieceofshit cross the road?

To collect money from Joel Michael Singer.

Two guys are walking down the road with their dogs, one guy has a doberman and the other has a chihuahua, when they come across a restaurant

They want to go in but there's a sign on the door that says "no pets allowed - service dogs only". The guy with the doberman says, "don't worry I got this." He proceeds to put on a dark pair of sunglasses and walks inside.

The manager comes up to him and says, "sir, you can't have your dog in...

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Why did the Nazi chicken cross the road?

He was following orders.

(stolen from Troy Bond)

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A knight is riding on the road in search of adventures.

He sees the road splitting ahead of him, and next to the fork. a rock with some writing upon it. The knight dismounts and reads:

*Should thou go right, thou shalt lose thy steed. Should thou go left, thou shalt lose thy life. Should thou go straight ahead, thou shalt go fucking nuts.*

...

A large group of Russian invaders on the outskirts of Kharkiv are moving along the road, when suddenly from behind a small hill they hear a voice shout:

A large group of Russian invaders on the outskirts of Kharkiv are moving along the road, when suddenly from behind a small hill they hear a voice shout:

"One Ukrainian soldier is better than 10 Russians!"

The Russian commander orders a halt and his 10 best soldiers to go over the hill...

My father always told me to take the road less travelled

I always thought he was giving me life advice but it turns out he was giving me drunk driving advice.

Paddy and Murphy are walking down the road

And paddy falls down a manhole

Murphy says to paddy "paddy is it dark down there!”

Paddy says "I don’t know, I can’t see!"

Dad and son octopus crossing the road, dad said to his son:

gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand. (Courtesy of my 1st grader).

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An elderly man and his wife buy an RV to hit the road and see the world.

They stop at a gas station and the friendly attendant strikes up a conversation. He asks where they’re headed. The wife is hard of hearing so she asks what the man said and her husband tells her. Then the guy asks how far they’re planning to go. The wife again asks her husband what the man said and ...

While driving down the road, two robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.

They were pirates of the car I be in.

A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.

The psychiatrist says, "My god, whoever did this needs help!"

Why did the plant-based chicken cross the road?

Idk, it’s beyond meat.

After 50+ years of "Why did the chicken cross the road?" jokes, someone finally decided to just ask the chicken.

The chicken looked up, clucked twice, and said "What's a road?".

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because it wanted to die.

(Genius submission from my 5 year old son)

My British friend asked me, "Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?"

I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."

Two farmers met at the road

They greet eachother and the first one realises the other one is carrying a big bucket.

"Howdy, Mike! What are you carrying in that bucket?"

"Well -he answers-, it's some fine manure for them strawberries!"

"Good lord, Mike! -yells the first one- You really should try them stra...

Why did the chicken cross the road with a secret document?

Who needs to know?

(actual true story) I saw some board games in the middle of the road that must have falled off of a car; the Scrabble box had burst open and there were tiles everywhere.

A case of a wreck tile dysfunction.

A trucker is driving down the road late one night.

When he notices something wriggling on the side of the road. Curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls over to investigate. Once he gets up close, he sees it is a naked man, bound, gagged, and left for dead. The trucker removes the gag, and the man immediately said "Oh thank God you stopped. I've...

One day there was a farmer tending to his crops when he saw a nun walking down the road.

He asked her where she was going and she told him the local convent was out of food so she was headed into town to see if anyone could spare some food. The farmer told her he could save her a trip and just give her some of his crops. Unfortunately, the only crop he had ready to harvest was cucumbers...

A guy is driving down the road in a company car...

... and receives a call on his carphone. It's from his area manager.

"Hey Mike," he says. "I just wanted to give you a call to say I am leaving the company and the board wanted me to be the one to tell you that they want you to take my job. It'll mean a pay rise, more responsibility and a muc...

In the US people drive on the right side of the road,

but here in Atlanta we drive on what's left.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Trick question. 4/channers don't leave the house.

"Why did the chicken cross the road?" is a literary masterpiece!

Some might even call it poultry in motion...

George found Tim, lying beside the road after a car accident. Tim was crying hysterically. George stopped and ran to him.

"Tim! Are you all right?"
Sobbing, Tim moaned,
"Look at my new car!" pointing to it, wrapped around a tree.
"Hey, man. Don't cry. You can always get another car."
"But look inside the car."
George did and said,
"Aw, dude, that's terrible. But don't cry!
You can always get...

Hey, Chicken, why did you cross the road?

I'm sorry, I thought this was a free range country!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Gordon Ramsay: Because you didn't fookin cook it.

why did the vegan cross the road?

To tell you they're vegan

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An old man was sitting on his porch one morning when a boy walked up the road carrying a large roll of chicken wire.

“Hey, boy! What are you doing with all that chicken wire?”

“I’m gonna catch some chickens, sir.”

“You fool, you can’t catch no chickens with chicken wire.”

The boy smiled and walked off. That evening he came back dragging the chicken wire with at least a dozen chickens rolled up...

Some couple was getting a little frisky behind the wheel of an Altima on a slick street, lost control and went slightly off the road, hit a tree with the front end and needed to call an ambulance and roadside assistance.

A classic case of Head, Shoulder, Nissan Tows, Ice, ERs, Mouth and Nose.

Why was the rug so well-behaved during the road trip?

Because it's a car pet!

Why did Putin cross the road?

To annex the chicken’s territory.

A priest was driving down the road one day when getting stopped by a cop.

The cop smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He said to the priest, "Father, have you been drinking?"

The priest replied, "Only water, officer."

The cop then asked him, "Then why can I smell wine?"

The priest loo...

Why did the Bubblegum cross the road?

Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot.

...

Credit goes to my 6 year old son who told me this just now.

A guy is driving along when he spots a gypsies caravan on the side of the road with a sign saying, "readings $10 per person".

He pulls over thinking this could be a laugh, and enters the caravan.

The gypsy immediately grabs his hands, looks at them for a couple of seconds and looks up into the guys eyes.

She says, "Thriller, pretty woman, when doves cry ,stairway to heaven."

"wow", said the guy, "tho...

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a blonde was driving down the road when her car broke

She notices that her cellphone battery is was dead, so she heads to the nearest motel and talks to the owner

"Please, can you help me, I don't have a penny on me, my car is broken and I need to make a phone call"

"I don't run a charity, but if you do me a favor I might help you"
...

Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in respect.

His golfing buddy says "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very compassionate and kind man."

The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."

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2 chickens are trying to cross the road

The one turns around to the other and asks “shall we cross here?” The other chicken replies “fuck that! Have you saw what they done to the zebra?!”

A magician walks down the road…

…and turns into a shop.

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Gordan Ramsey was walking down the road and saw a dog.

He bent down to pet it, and screamed "it's fucking r/aww!"

Before Darryl Hall's music career took off he was an over the road driver for Quaker Products.

He was literally haul'n oats.

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails.

When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

My wife demanded to know why our rubbish was scattered all over the road.

I wanted to keep it a secret, but I ended up spilling the bins.

There's an old Native American man that sits in a teepee along the road I take to work.

Every morning for a while now I stop in and ask him what the weather will be that day. Rain, snow, sun, clouds. He's always right.

Well yesterday I stopped in just like normal and asked what the weather was going to be like.

"Got no clue", he said.

I was shocked. "What's diffe...

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