UPJOKE
luxuriantlushexuberantriotousabundantfulsomelavishuncountablemultitudinousinnumerablequantityamountprofuselyquantitativecoefficient

Profuse Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man Accidentally Elbows a Woman's Boob

as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says "if your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."

To which the woman replied "if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."

What has two legs and bleeds profusely?

Half a cat.

What has two legs and bleeds profusely?

A blue collar worker in an industrial accident.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."

Mom: *Stares at Dad*

Dad: *Clenches fist*

Mom: "Don't!"

Dad: *Sweats Profusely*

Mom: "..."

Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

My friend was bleeding profusely and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.

I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away he was going to die.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in his 50's visits the doctor.

"I just can't take it anymore, doc," he says, wincing. "I stand at the urinal for 20 minutes and nothing happens. Is there something I can take?"

"I'll tell you what you can take," the doctor snarls. "A cold dose of reality! Do you have *any* idea what's happening out there?! Global warming i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When Bill and Hillary Clinton got married, Bill informed Hillary that he had a shoebox under the bed, and she was never to open it under any circumstances. Hillary agreed and promised to never open the box.

Hillary respected his wish as the years went by and kept her promise. But after several years of marriage, Hillary's curiosity got the best of her. She opened the box and found several hundred dollars in cash, and a couple of empty beer cans.

She felt guilty, and confessed to Bill that she ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is being released from a US hospital.

As he is being escorted out by a nurse, he passes by a patient’s room with the door open and sees that the male patient is masturbating furiously. Confused, he turns to the nurse and asks, “what the hell is going on here?!” The nurse replies, “you see, this man has a serious condition where if he d...

Someone arrived at the hospital bleeding profusely. He saw a preson donating blood.

He said "I hope that preson is a type O."

A lady is walking down the street and sees a parrot in the window of a pet store.

She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.

The next day she sees the same parrot in the window. When the parrot sees her it says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She's livid, and s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Son: Mom, Dad, I'm Gay

Mom: *stares at dad*

Dad: *clenches fist*

Mom: "Don't"

Dad: *sweats profusely*

Mom: "..."

Dad: "Son, this isn't easy for me and this may take some time to fully accept. But you are my Son, and I love you."

Son: "Thank god. I'm glad this didn't turn out like ...

You say a mesquito bit you and now you have the chills, a high fever and are sweating profusely? That's not funny.

That's malarious!

What do you call an electric bolt from the sky that profusely apologizes after zapping you?

Politning.

a man buys a parrot

A man buys a parrot. The bird is beautiful, but swears in the most foul manner all day long.

The man tries everything to silence the parrot: he covers the cage, he turns on loud music, he threatens to hit the parrot... but it's all of no use.

After a few days of incessant ranting, he b...

A client just thanked me profusely for curing his erectile dysfunction.

-shrugs- It wasn't hard.

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?"
The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta g...

During conversation, a guy mispronounces a physicist's name. Upon realizing this, he apologizes profusely.

The physicist says, "It's Feynman."

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely, saying…..

"I must have taken Leif off my census."

An Ottawa man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”
The man says, “No problem. I’m from Ottawa.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead body with a hard on

The first nurse says, "Damn, can't let that go to waste," and rides him.

The second nurse does the same.

The third nurse hesitates and explains that she's on her period, but still rides him.



Then the man sits up. The three nurses apologize profusely and say that they th...

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining…

… and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from, just in time to see a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" He asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. On arrival she was profuse i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

One day, a taxi cab passenger touched...

a new cab driver on his shoulder to ask him something. The driver squealed “EEEEEEEEEE!”, lost control of car, and screeched to a stop after mounting the sidewalk. The passenger apologised profusely & said: "I had no idea you would be startled by me tapping your shoulder!"

Driver replied...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fifty bucks

A mother tells her son to go into town to sell their duck for food money, the boy does as she says and goes into the town square. There he meets a young lady on the street corner who tells him "I have a few uses for a duck but I don't have any money, what do you say we go inside and roll in the hay ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman playing golf hits a nearby man...

She rushes over to the man who is on the ground, rolling around screaming in pain with his hands between his legs.

She profusely apologizes and offers to relieve his pain since she is a doctor and reluctantly he agrees. She gently moves his hands to his sides and unzips his pants and puts her...

Kevin dies and goes to heaven...

He gets in line and sees Saint Peter asking everyone a question before they head past the pearly gates. As he's third in line, he overhears Peter ask the guy in front, "Sir, were you faithful in your married life?". The man looks down and replies, "Well, I did have two affairs". Peter nods and hands...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day in a busy restaurant, a man began to choke on something he had eaten.

Without hesitation, another man jumped up, ran over, pulled the choking man's pants down, and started eating his ass. The choking man was so shocked and disgusted that he started to gag, miraculously expelling the blockage. His life saved, he thanked the other man profusely and asked how he had know...

A man was taken to court for calling an Honourable Minister a pig

It was his first offence and the Judge was in a good mood and decided to show mercy.

So he discharged him after warning him to desist from unguarded utterances in future.

The man removed his cap and thanked the benevolent Judge profusely. ''Thank you, your lordship."

He conti...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey...

The monkey immediately runs up to a pool table and eats one of the cue balls. The man profusely apologizes to the bartender but the bartender said it was no big deal.

The following week, the man returns with his monkey but this time, the monkey's up on the counter taking peanuts from the bowl...

Albert Einstein was running 20 minutes late as a guest speaker at a science conference.

He finally arrived apologizing profusely.

Einstein: "I am so terribly sorry you all had to wait. Anyway, here's my presentation."

Host: "It's about time."

Einstein: "And space!"

An old man was roaming the desert when he reached a village...

Last year on my first cake day, I shared one of my grandmother's long jokes. I think of making it a tradition, so here's another:

An old man was walking in the Sahara desert with his donkey when he reached a village. The people welcomed him with everything they could, offering him hospitality...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cheeky humor

A man's face was badly burned in a kitchen fire. The doctors agreed that the only hope of restoring it was to do a skin graft.

Unfortunately, he was a very slim dude and there was not enough excess skin to do the procedure. So they took skin from his wife's buttocks.

The operation was...

A duke was hunting in the forest

A duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants; he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.

"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the duke. "I must find him!"

After continuing through the forest fo...

A horse walks into a bar

And the bartender asked "why the long face?"

The horse said, well, it has been a really bad day. Around 10 years ago, I married a pony, the absolute love of my life. She just passed away at the hospital from throat cancer. I'm on my way back home and I just came in for a few drinks to ease th...

I think my fat girlfriend is hot.

She's been sweating profusely.

I will not live to see that day :(

Three old men went to see God.

The first old man, an American, asked God when will his country come out of recession. "100 years," God said.
The American started weeping profusely. "I will not live to see that day"

Second man, a Russian asked God "When will my country become pros...

My mother gave me a pendant for my birthday

It was a special gift with a picture of my late grandmother inside.

I thanked her profusely, but I had to ask, “this is such a unique gift. What made you decide on this specific piece of jewelry?”

She responded “well, your grandmother has always been a strong, in-da-pendant type of wo...

Parrot

A woman walks by a pet store everyday on her way to work and everyday the parrot out front calls her ugly!! Finally she confronts the store owner her apologizes profusely. He scolds the bird and promised that it wouldn’t happen again. Next day she walks by the store and again the parrot calls her ug...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two young Mormon missionaries are spreading the good word around South-East Asia when they accidentally walk in to a brothel

This becomes increasingly clearer to the two young men as the attractive, scantily clad women begin to make poorly veiled sexual entreaties in broken English. The two have practically no knowledge of, or experience with, women, and begin sweating profusely when the truth dawns. The first missionary ...

A man needs a cake for his daughter's birthday.

He's not the richest of men, which puts the nicer cake shops out of the question. However, he's confident that he can figure something out.

Down the road from where he lives, an old Buddhist man owns a pastry store. He's a kind man, with reasonable prices and a perpetual smile on his face. Ho...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy went to a doctor about getting a penile implant.

When speaking with the doctor, he said "You have come to the right place.  We have a new procedure, that has worked very well for several of my patients.  We implant part of an elephant's trunk into your penis.  I expect you'll enjoy it once the operation is complete.

Although the man was a l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man arrives in New York’s airport and hails a taxi.

He tells the driver where he wants to go, hops in and they drive away.

After a few miles, the man realizes that the driver missed a turn, so he reaches forward and taps the guy on the shoulder to get his attention.

There’s an ear splitting yelp. The taxi driver floors the gas and th...

A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway...

A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway from which you could see the back gardens of these mansion like houses on the street. He looks into a garden and sees a man in a suit crying and looking at the pool.

The man in suit fills his pockets with rocks and suddenly jumps into the po...

Corona Virus Symptoms Basically Are The Same Feelings You Get When Your Wife Is Checking Your Phone

-Difficulty In Breathing -Sweating Profusely

-Weakness

-Headache

-Stomach Ache

And when you are asked a question the dry cough starts.

Snail and the Tortoise

Once a tortoise and a snail bumped into each other.
The snail was profusely injured and was taken to the hospital emergency.
When the snail was in a position to talk, he was surrounded by members of the press asking him
"Mr. Snail, could ypu please tell us how this happened?".
The snail...

The year is 1941...

A Russian general is arguing with a Finnish general about who has the better army.

The Finnish general says, I'll bet you one Finnish soldier can beat ten Russian soldiers easily!

So the Russian general sends ten men over to a nearby hill, where they saw one Finnish soldier. There's so...

A lot of people don’t know that Lisa Kudrow has a bachelor's degree in Biology

She was visiting an old school friend who was doing a research project on the genetics of rats and they were showing her their breeding pairs. “This is the Mama Rat A who has a gene sequence that makes her produce more young, and with her is the Papa Rat A who has a trait that causes him to sire un...

At the San Diego zoo the other day…

And looking in on the chimpanzees section and a big male comes up to the glass Right in front of where I’m standing. The chimp points at my shirt pocket and holds his fingers up like he wants to smoke. I pull the pack of cigarettes out of by breast pocket and he starts nodding his head profusely. I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Best left unsaid

A man walks by a pet store with a parrot sitting outside. As he walks by, the parrot says “Hey buddy, fuck you!” The man is taken aback but decides to just ignore it and go about his day.

The next week, he is walking by the same store and the parrot is still out there. As he walks by, the par...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man survives a plane crash over the ocean...

He is huddled on a piece of debris with nothing but a dog and a pig. After drifting for several days the three land on the shore of a completely uninhabited island. After several weeks, the man feels that he will completely lose his mind if he doesn't have sex soon. After thinking it over he deci...

A parrot accidentally swallowed a viagara tablet and went berserk

He started humping everything he could lay his wings on .

The owner called the vet who said that the overheating could damage his brain so asked him to put the parrot in a freezer.

The owner somehow caught the parrot and forced into the freezer and forced it shut.

After 10 mins...

Consulting the Shaman

A couple had been wanting to have a child for so long and was so desperate that they consulted a Shaman hoping that he could solve their problem.

The Shaman said that they would have their first child next year, with a condition that it is accompanied by a curse... that the very first name or...

Exam By Chance

A young student reported for a final examination that consisted of only true false questions.

The student took a seat in the hall, stared at the test for five minutes, removed a coin from his pocket and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads meant true, tails meant false...

One day, a man doing janitorial duties on a submarine asked for a change of scenery

“I just clean the hallways,” he’d say. “Everyday. It gets boring fast, please?”

His manager stared him down, but he saw that the man wouldn’t give up.

“Alright,” the manager sighed. “I suppose I could see about you changing your post.”

The man was overwhelmed with excitement and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to a pet store to buy a companion.

The assistant in the pet store however guides her to the aquarium and says "these frogs are on special.'
"Why would I want a frog" says the woman.
The shop keeper looks around sheepishly then says "this frog gives the best oral sex in the world, MIND BLOWING!!"
The woman immediately buys ...

A Well-Argued Court Case

The beauty of a language and the art of constructing the words of the language significantly lead to their meaning. This is not a case of twisting, but of the refined manner of presentation by witty minds. A good case for reference.

One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Goldberg owns a hardware store

He needs something for his idiot son to do, so he puts him in charge of advertising and buy a big billboard on a busy highway.

Next day, Goldberg is driving by the billboard and nearly has an accident when he sees the ad: a picture of Jesus on the cross with the line "They used Goldberg's n...

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating a bowl of peanuts.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating a bowl of peanuts. Every now and then he would toss a peanut in the air and catch it in his mouth. Just as he was in mid-toss his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried to dig it out but in his...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is at a bar in London around 1985, having a drink with a girl.

He really wants to impress her. He looks over to another table and sees none other than Freddie Mercury!

“Oh my god!” Says his date, “I love him! Let’s get an autograph!”

“Nah”, the man replied, “he’s a bit of a knob”

“You know him?” his date asked incredulously

“Oh, yea...

A priest, a rabbi, and an engineer get caught by savages and are all set to be executed...

The priest lays down on the block, chanting his prayer profusely waiting for the guillotine to drop. The executioner pulls the lever, but the sharp blade stops inches before the preist's neck. The savages are scared of the preist's deity and lets him go. Next, the rabbi does the same and prays silen...

Sperm Bank Robbery

It was a normal day at the local sperm bank, when all of a sudden, a man bursts in with a mask a and a handgun and yells "EVERYONE! ON THE GROUND!"

Once every person in the facility is lying down, he walks over to the refrigerator area for very-recent donations, then turns around, facing the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Japanese contractor at a US company

He works alongside the other staff but he stays kinda reserved and by himself, doesn't mingle, doesn't talk much, apologizes profusely all the time and at the end he stands in front of the others and asks them for a moment of their attention, with a bowed head and deep regret in his voice.

"M...

I was on a jungle expedition in Bangladesh with some colleauges of mine, when we all came across a tiger...

It was really messy, so out of courtesy we tried wiping it off while profusely apologising.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young monk joins a monastery

He enters the building and is greeted with a sight of many hardworking monks rigorously copying from seemingly new manuscripts onto paper. He makes his way through the busy scene and heads to the head monk's quarters.

The head monk greets the new monk warmly and shows him to his writing stat...

A man walks into a bar with a Labrador and takes a seat.

The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here!" The man doesn't miss a beat and replies, "Excuse me, this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender apologises profusely and says, "Here, the first one's on me."

The man walks over and takes a seat near the door. Soon, another man walks in wi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a ventriloquist is on stage telling jokes at a local bar with his dummy on his leg. He asks if the audience wants to hear a blonde joke and the audience cheers with general enthusiasm...

“Ok” he starts, “how many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”

But before he can finish, a blonde woman from the audience stands up, outraged.

“How dare you! How dare you generalize us like that just based on our hair color!”

The ventriloquist apologizes profusely ex...

A man named Naver fell in love with a woman named Yoo

After a while of awkward conversations, Naver confessed his love to Yoo. Yoo accepted, and they started dating. It started small, going to the movies, and eventually they moved in with eachother.
Eventually, they got married, had a massive wedding, inviting all of their friends, family, and the...

High End Restaurant

A very well dressed (tailored suit, silk tie, bespoke shoes etc) elegant older customer ordered the very best on the menu resulting in a very large tab.
At the end of the meal he was presented with the bill.
He said to the server, “I don’t know if you remember, but many years ago I was a bit d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dictator once asked a famous composer if he could write him a brilliant piece of music.

Naturally, the composer was extremely nervous, as the dictator had a habit of giving the death penalty to those who did not please him.

The composer spent weeks working on this piece, and from a musical standpoint it was quite good. So, he gathered his orchestra and performed his piece for th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A parrot swallowed a viagra pill. The owners put him in a freezer to "cool off."

When the owner opened the freezer he noticed the parrot was sweating profusely.

Owner: Why are you sweating so much?

Parrot: You know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four nuns are summoned by the head priest for committing sins

Priest to the first nun: alright, sister, what was your sin?

First nun: I saw a man's penis today

Priest: hmmm... well these things can happen by mistake, but it is a sin nonetheless! Go wash your eyes in the holy water.

The first nun does so and some giggling can be heard from ...

A Yorkshire man's beloved wife passed away.

He went to the headstone maker to sort out the stone for her grave. Being a devout man, he decided the inscription should read 'She was thine'. The stonemason told him to return a week later.
A week later the man returns to inspect the stone. The proud stonemason wheeled it out in a trolley. It ...

Curiosity killed the cat.

NASA apologized profusely.

A priest, a rabbi, and an engineer get caught by a barbaric tribe...

The tribe sentences all of them to death by beheading. The priest starts praying profusely as he stares up at the sharp bladed guillotine ready to end his life. His chants get stronger and frantic as the lever is finally pulled. Miraculously, the blade stops halfway and the tribe fearful of this man...

A Man walks into a Bank

He's sweating profusely and looks exhausted

He gets in line and after several minutes is even worse for wear. Sweating, Twitching and Scratching

He finally gets up to the teller and begins talking in a broken, mumbling voice.

The branch manager walks over to check on him and ask...

A nun hails a taxi cab...

...as she settles into her seat she notices the taxi driver sneaking peaks at her through the rear-view mirror. She says, "my son, can I help you with something?" He says, "sister, I have to admit, I've had this fantasy of...kissing a nun". She replies, "Oh, my son, I can help you with that as long ...

A man walks into a police station

with his head profusely bleeding.


Officer: What Happened


Man: My Wife hit me in the head


Officer: Why..??


Man: Her parents came over unexpectedly, so she asked me to go and get them something.


Officer: And..??


Man: I got them a taxi

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl was crazy about 69 position...

But she haven't tried the position with her new boyfriend. So she invites him to a romantic dinner. After the dinner she tells her boyfriend about her desire for it. But her boyfriend was clueless about such acts. So she tell him to strip naked on the couch and lay on top of him naked in the 69 posi...

Two great musicians hated each other

And after years of always being compared to one another, they finally decided to have a duet of guitars to see which was the better player. They carefully selected an audience of musical experts, and with that they played.

After a fifteen minutes duet, the vote was cast. Amazingly, the result...

A father and son walk into a gas station...

After grabbing a few snacks they walk up to the register to pay for everything.

The cashier says "sorry sir, but you have to swipe your card again."

Son: "dad, don't."

Father: *sweats profusely*

Cashier: "sir?"

Father: "but I'm not wearing a cardigan!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nice dog...

A man was walking down the street when he observed a funeral passing by. The strange procession consisted of two hearses, followed by a man walking a dog. Behind him were about 20 men of all descriptions, marching along in step. The guy watching all of this was so puzzled by the odd parade that h...

One day, daughter shack came to Mama and Papa shack and told them that she wanted to be a comedian.

“But you're not funny," said Mama shack.

Seeing his daughter's roofline sag in disappointment, Papa shack spoke up. "Maybe we could get you a coach?"

Daughter shack smiled with joy, and as she left, Papa shack arranged for a coach.

The coach came, a part time tiler who pr...

Trump's first day at the Oval Office after being elected President

First briefing by the CIA, Pentagon, FBI:

Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediately. No delays.

CIA: We cannot do that, sir. We created them along with Turkey, Saudi, Qatar and others.

Trump: The Democrats created them.

CIA: We created ISIS, sir. You need them or else you w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler’s Grave

An Muslim man was walking by a graveyard and saw a Jewish man spitting at a grave profusely. He couldn’t help but walk over and asked him why.

The Jewish man responded “This is Hitler’s grave. I’m spitting on it because he killed almost all of my people”. The Muslim man paused for a second, ...

A luxury cruise liner is about to leave port

when the engine breaks down. Every mechanic on staff tries everything they can think of to get it running, but no luck. Desperate, the captain begins asking passengers if there's any mechanics on board. A retired old salt steps forward and says "I have 50 years experience as a navy mechanic, mayb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny

One day, Little Johnny was sadly moping around the house.
In order to cheer him up, Johnny’s mother gave him a dollar and sent him outside.
As Johnny walked down the road, he ran into a farmer selling ducks.
Johnny asks the farmer, “How much for a duck?”
The farmer says, “I’ll give yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into the bar with a monkey on his shoulder

He sits at the bar and orders a beer. As the bartender is pouring his beer the monkey jumps off his shoulder and proceeds to eat everything in sight.

He eats all the bowls of mixed nuts, eats all the popcorn, jumps over the bar and eats all the marschianno cherries and all the green olives. ...

A woman walks past a pet store and sees a beautiful parrot on display.

She looks at the price. $20. She asks the store clerk as to why the parrot was so cheap.

"Well, you see, the parrot used to belong to a grizzled old sailor who swore a lot. He has quite a vocabulary but a rather foul mouth."

She stares at the bird. Realizing just how good a dea...

A pastor is walking down a path

When he spots a young boy, frantically lifting hay bales onto an upended cart. The boy is sweating profusely, and the pastor says to him: "Son, you are working very hard, very hard indeed. It is a hot day, perhaps you should take a rest?"

"Oh no, sir, my father would not like that. I must...

[OC] A programmer walks into a coffee shop

A programmer walks into a coffee shop on his lunch break with his pet, a black Labrador. He comes in with a scowl on his face and a furrowed brow, his expression showing a frustrated yet pensieve look about him. He asks for a plain, black coffee.

The barista compassionately eyed the man fo...

A charity checks its records, and realises that a successful lawyer has not made any donations.

So, a representative from the charity posts the lawyer a visit. "Our records show you haven't made any donations to us."

The lawyer replies, "Did your records show that my mother is ill with massive medical bills, my sister was left pennies with four children when her husband suddenly died, a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is running down the beach (long)

He's alone except he sees someone up ahead on a blanket

He sees it's a woman and she's crying. She has no arms or legs.

He stops and ask, "Why are you crying?"

She says, "I've never been hugged by a man before."

He looks up an down the beach, seeing nobody he reaches down...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest visits a mechanic to get his annual car maintenance

The mechanic says his car is in good shape and that it shouldn't take too long so it wouldn't hurt to wait around a bit. As the mechanic was finishing putting the wheels back on the car he notices the priest's concerned look.

"What's the matter sir?"

"Oh, I had a wheel come loose last ...

Hundreds of years after their deaths, Galileo, Leonardo Da Vinci, and Marco Polo are walking in heaven and decide to have a conversation with Jesus...

Galileo says, “Jesus, I’ve been thinking about my past life on Earth, and I wanted to know what I am remembered for all these years later.”

Jesus pauses and replies, “Galileo, you are remembered as the Father of Modern Physics. By being one of the first to apply mathematics to motion, you le...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An angel is making his rounds on earth, when he comes across a pair of statues in a park, beautiful nude sculptures of a man and woman facing eachother..

They are placed at the entrance to the park, and the angel is stuck by how beautiful they are, and how tragic it is for then to be eternally so close, yet unable to touch. He decides he will use some of his power to animate them, and in an instant they stand before him.

"I have seen how dilig...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A factory manager escorts his boss from head office around his site when they open a room to two employees having sex

Immediately the factory manager slams the door shut and apologises profusely to his boss.

"Fire him!" screams the boss.

"Well, actually he is six months into designing some software that we've paid six hundred thousand pounds for, and he'll be finished in another month." retorts the fa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A taxi driver is driving a passenger

With radio blaring local news. The passenger asked the driver to turn down the radio. After minutes of no response, the passenger got impatient and tapped the driver’s shoulder.

Suddenly the taxi swerved to the left, narrowly missing a car and skidding uncontrollably towards a newsstand, and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A businessman is waiting at a cafe for a potential client...

when he looks over and sees Bill Gates reading the paper. He nervously approaches the billionaire and introduces himself.
"Hello Mr. Gates, my name is Peter, I'm a big fan of yours and if it's not too much trouble I'd like to ask a favor of you."
Bill Gates seems hesitant but asks the man...

Billy was very proud of his new car.

He was driving back home after striking a great deal with the salesman. As he neared the intersection, a grey Toyota crashed into his car at a high speed. He was furious, as he knew he had the right of way. He was about to let loose a barrage of four letter words at the other driver, when a gorge...

Shipwrecked

A man was shipwrecked on an isolated island with nobody for company except his faithful dog. Many months passed and life was getting monotonous until one day he spotted a sheep on the other side of the island.


Slowly approaching the sheep, he managed to get it into position and was abou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman sat down in her seat on an airplane

Next to a well dressed man. After 5 minutes the man sneezed, wiped his nose, and pulled out his penis to wipe it off. The lady was shocked but didn't say anything. 5 minutes later the same thing happened; sneeze, wipe nose, wipe penis.

After happening a few more times the lady leaned over an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Young Boy

A young Catholic boy just left his church one Sunday. One the way home, he was hit by a car and was bleeding profusely. Someone saw this happen and ran towards him. He said to the boy, "Are you hurt? Do you want me to get the priest here?" The boy replied," Are you crazy? How can you think of sex at...

A man is driving down the road at midnight and his car breaks down near a mental hospital.

He didn’t know what to do because he knew nothing about fixing cars. A mental patient who was watering some flowers saw the scene and walks towards the man. The man seeing the mental patient coming his way, gets scared and stays quiet in the car. The madman tells the man..-“Good night my friend. Do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Wizard and the Toad

Once upon a time, long, long ago, a wizard lived in an enchanted forest. He usually used his magical powers to help the animals that lived there.
One afternoon, a toad came hopping up to the wizard's cottage and knocked on the door. The wizard opened the door and saw that the toad was, remarkably...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.