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What do you call a robot sex worker that only does one-night stands?

Nuts’n bolts

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Last week, after a one night stand with a woman, she had the gall to get up and use my toothbrush without even asking first. I told her, "That's disgusting!" She replied, "Well, we just had sex, so what's the big difference?"

I answered, "The difference is, I was gonna use the toothbrush again."

My girlfriend packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman. She screamed, "I want you to go!" I said, "Please can we just talk about it first?" She replied, "Go on, I'm listening." I sat down and began...

"It was the most amazing experience of my entire life..."

Why is a one-night stand with a man like a snowstorm?

You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long it will last.

i had a one night stand with a really wild girl

the next morning she made me french toast

she got her tongue caught in the toaster.

What do you call a robots one night stand?

A nut and bolt

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I had a one night stand, and afterwards she used my toothbrush

I made kind of a big deal about it, because that’s pretty gross

She said, “Well we just had sex, what’s the difference?”

I said, “*Well* I was planning on using that toothbrush again”

BDSM really isn't good for one night stands...

There's usually strings attached.

Going on a one night stand with me is like Game of Thrones

Everything is exciting, conversations are awesome, you really like where things are going and you are excited for things to come.

Then you get home with me, and all the build up is ruined with sloppy action which ends way too soon with utter disappointment and you never want to think about it...

Seeking 1 night stand

Possibly two since I have two lamps

A banana and a vibrator are lying on a night stand

Says the banana: why are you shaking? First time, eh?

What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?

The second nightstand.

...I'm so sorry.

Edit: grammer, and i guess I'm not sorry :p

Edit2: grammar, damnit

Edit3: dammit!

A lovely Russian lady came up to the counter where I work and said "Please, I am looking for one night stand"

I had the shop shut up and the door locked before you could say knife, and we went to a bar for a couple of aperitifs, a nice restaurant, a club I know where they have a good floorshow, and then I took that lovely lady home and, being a gentleman, I will draw the veil of discretion over what followe...

What do you call a guy who’s had lots of one-night stands?

A cli-tourist.

Movie Theater Popcorn is Like a Drunken One Night Stand

You know you're going to hate yourself after.
You might even hate yourself during.
You feel gross after you're done.
It gets on and in your clothes, hands and hair.
You usually eat it in the dark.
Somewhere in the back of your mind you know that it's been laying in the same bin si...

[nsfw] A chef had a one night stand with a 5 foot tall girl.

Shouldn't come as a surprise, really. Chefs like to bone a petite.

I always keep a loaded gun on my night stand in case there’s an intruder

That way, I can shoot myself to avoid meeting new people.

Some Reddit posts are like one night stands

You make a comment in the post and then never hear from it again.

Electronic Arts CEO Andrew Wilson has a one night stand.

The woman he was with contacts him soon after to let him know she was pregnant, and wants him to own up to his mistake.

Andrew then replies, "It's not a mistake, it's surprise mechanics."

After a one night stand last night the girl said I was the biggest she ever had

I said “oh cool thanks” and then she said “no seriously you need to lose some weight”

My girlfriend broke up with me and I’ve been having a tough time getting over her. My friend said I should try having a one night stand, and I gotta say, it really helped!

The tissues are much closer to my bed now when I cry myself to sleep!

What do you call a one-night stand?

Humpty Dumpty.

I call my one night stands potatoes.

First I take them in the sack, then I skin them and carve the eyes out, before cooking them.

Last night, I was listening to some guy bragging about his one night stand.

I was like, so what dude. I have two night stands; one on either side of my bed.

A pair of Nuclear Missle operators, one American, one Russian, had a one-night stand.

When they parted, each told the other, "I'll miss you."

The problem with one-night stands is all the questions afterwards.

Like "do you plead guilty?"

I said I am looking for one night stand

She looked at me with some hostility and said, "They only come in pairs," at the furniture shop.

"so why didn't you call me after our one night stand?"

"No,dear. It was an audition and you unfortunately didn't get the part!!"

What do you call a guy who finds out a one night stand got pregnant, but is relieved to remember that they only did oral?


One-night stands are great with drummers

As opposed to guitarists, there's no strings attached.

I had my first one night stand today.

My legs are starting to go numb. Does anyone have a chair for me to sit on?

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I stumbled out of bed from a one night stand to find my dad at the kitchen table.

"I'm proud of you son" he winked, "now tell me, did you use protection?"

"You know what they say, dad" I grinned, "up the bum no babies."

"Ha ha, that's my boy" he laughed, "what's her name?"

"Patrick" I replied.

A woman walks into a hardware store and asks the shopkeeper if he'd like to have a one-night stand.

He gives her the nuts and bolts.

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A man has a very passionate one night stand with a girl.

The next day when he wakes up he notices she is still caressing his cock. Amused he asks, "You are still horny, aren't you ?". The girl replies, " Nah I just miss mine."

What do you call a woman who ghosts after a one-night stand?

A ding dong ditcher

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Blonde wakes up after a one night stand.

She sees some random guy sleeping next to her. Her memory is fuzzy, but she remembers some very passionate sex that took place last night.

She frantically wakes the guy up and asks him if they used any protection. The guy says no, not as far as he can remember.

"Damn" says the blon...

I got slapped in the face for asking a girl if she was interested in one night stand.

Pretty rude, considering I was going to give her a discount on it as well.

I had a one night stand with a girl the other night...

At the beginning of the night I played piano for her and she said I was just like Amadeus or Beethoven.

From that point on I knew she was never going to call me Bach.

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Do you know why girls prefer funny guys for one night stands?

Because she knows he's just fucking with her.

Wify suggested one night stand is what we needed.

However, i did not like the idea. Instead, I bought two night stands.

I had a one night stand with an Amish guy the other week...

He never called me back.

My one night stand said I'm a lousy lover after we finished

Asked her how can she tell after 30 seconds?

After a one night stand, a man climbs out of the woman's bed and puts on his clothes...

says "It was great to meat you" and leaves.

Wanted: One Night Stand

I’m moving soon and my room is really empty and lonely. I have a bed in my room and I am looking for one night stand. I prefer black, but a darker brown will do. I would also like it to be unique, not some plain night stand you would pick up from Walmart.

Whenever I have a one night stand,I alweys use protection.

A fake name and a fake number.

My wife is upset and jealous about the one night stand I had.

We are going to go out and buy one for her side of the bed today.

How are one night stands like savings accounts? make a deposit, withdrawal, then lose interest.

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One Night Stand (NSFW)

A guy successfully picks up a woman during a night out and brings her home for some casual sex. By the time they get to his apartment, they're both unbelievably horny. The front door has barely shut before they start making passionate love, stripping each others' clothes off on the way to the bedr...

I can't get rid my one night stand...

It looks like it was attached to the wall by the previous owner.

Checked into a hotel expecting one night stand

but there were 2! Mighty pleased.

A guy wakes up after a one night stand and looks at the woman in his bed...

He then asks her "How old are you?"
"How dare you ask me that! A woman is as old as she looks."
"That's a lie, people don't live that long."

What does a one night stand and cooking bad Chinese food have in common?

Both end in a wok of shame

I'm tired of this one night stand mentality in college...

I have multiple lamps and alarm clocks, I need at least two night stands.

I went on a date with a girl that I had a one-night stand with.

We arrived at the restaurant, sat down at our table and I scanned her face. She wasn't as attractive as I remembered.

As she looked through she menu, she said, "What are you having?"

I said, "Second thoughts."

one night stand

What's the difference between a one night stand and a washing machine? The washing machine won't call you everyday for a week after you put a load in it.

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One night stand

A guy finishes up banging a girl he just met at a bar. He says "If I had known you were a virgin I would have taken it a little easier."

The woman says "If I had known you were in such a hurry I would have taken my pantyhose off."

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Having a one night stand with a beautiful woman (NSFW)

and she says, "Give me 9 inches and hurt me." So I fucked her 3 times and I slapped her.

What is the difference between one night stand, long relationship and marriage?

in one night stand you tear off the panties

in long relationship you gently remove the panties

in marriage you wash and dry the panties. then fold them and put them in the clothes cupboard.

Did you hear about the Asian kid who had that one night stand?

He had too many books to fit on it

I made a bold statement by not buying two night-stands for my bedroom.

I'm a one night stand kind of man.

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A bad one night stand.

So this guy walks into a bar. He sees a pretty, young girl so he walks up to her and buys her a drink. They start flirting and they both are getting a little drunk. So the guy asks the girl "Do you wanna come back to my place?" and she agrees. So they get back to his place, and they have the roughes...

One-night stand at first, but ended up happening again...

I mean, they're just so cheap at Ikea, so I had to go back to get another.

Why do people who like bondage shy away from anonymous one-night stands?

There's no strings attached.

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An elderly Rabbi and an elderly Priest are good friends in the retirement home.

One day the priest asks, "So tell me, Benjamin, be honest now, have you ever had bacon?" The old rabbi sighs and leans back, "Ashamedly yes. One day, In my youth, I gave into temptation and had bacon wrapped shrimp with cheese sauce....Now tell me Sean, be honest now, have you ever had sex?" The old...

I just woke up with my reading lamp unplugged and lying next to me in bed.

You never know what to expect from your one night stand.

I went furniture shopping and really hit it off with the female sales associate.

It didn't work out though. She was looking for a serious relationship and I was just searching for one night stand.

I don't know why the beautiful attendant at IKEA reported me to the police

All I asked was, "How much for one night stand?"

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Three men are travelling home on Christmas day together

As they round a corner their car goes head on into a tree and the three men are instantly killed. All three men arrive at the pearly gates at the same time and stand in a long queue waiting to receive St Peter’s judgement. While waiting, one of the men points ahead to front of the queue after notici...

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