Night Stand Jokes - 69 Hilarious Night Stand Jokes

What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?

The second nightstand.

...I'm so sorry.

Edit: grammer, and i guess I'm not sorry :p

Edit2: grammar, damnit

Edit3: dammit!

What does a robot do after a one-night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a robot sex worker that only does one-night stands?

Nuts’n bolts

I’m not really a one night stand kind of guy

I’ve actually got two of them by my bed.

(This is one from a list of stand-up jokes I’ve been writing)

BDSM really isn't good for one night stands...

There's usually strings attached.

I was involved in a one night stand that went horribly wrong.

We’ve been married three years now.

One night stand is only acceptable thru college

After that you should get a matching pair for the other side of the bed

What’s the engineering term for a one night stand?

A nut and bolt.

I had a one night stand with a girl who had a shell tattooed on her inner thigh.

If you put your ear to it you could smell the sea.

I had a one night stand with a recluse on tinder

She gave me hermit crabs

Seeking 1 night stand

Possibly two since I have two lamps

[nsfw] A chef had a one night stand with a 5 foot tall girl.

Shouldn't come as a surprise, really. Chefs like to bone a petite.

Why is a one-night stand with a man like a snowstorm?

You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long it will last.

I got home with my one night stand. She pulled down my pants and looked disappointed!

She said you told me it was 12 inches!
"No" I replied "you mis-heard me. I said it smells like a foot".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last week, after a one night stand with a woman, she had the gall to get up and use my toothbrush without even asking first. I told her, "That's disgusting!" She replied, "Well, we just had sex, so what's the big difference?"

I answered, "The difference is, I was gonna use the toothbrush again."

So I had a one-night stand

But then I returned it to the furniture store, I didn’t much like it.

I call my one night stands potatoes.

First I take them in the sack, then I skin them and carve the eyes out, before cooking them.

A banana and a vibrator are lying on a night stand

Says the banana: why are you shaking? First time, eh?

i had a one night stand with a really wild girl

the next morning she made me french toast

she got her tongue caught in the toaster.

What do you call a one-night stand?

Humpty Dumpty.

One night stand...

They leave the bar and end up at her house.
Her bedroom has an entire wall covered in rows of stuffed animals.

Biggest ones near the ceiling... getting smaller towards the floor...

He ends up staying the night...

In the morning he asked... how was I?

She said
Take...

Some Reddit posts are like one night stands

You make a comment in the post and then never hear from it again.

Movie Theater Popcorn is Like a Drunken One Night Stand

You know you're going to hate yourself after.
You might even hate yourself during.
You feel gross after you're done.
It gets on and in your clothes, hands and hair.
You usually eat it in the dark.
Somewhere in the back of your mind you know that it's been laying in the same bin si...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a one night stand, and afterwards she used my toothbrush

I made kind of a big deal about it, because that’s pretty gross

She said, “Well we just had sex, what’s the difference?”

I said, “*Well* I was planning on using that toothbrush again”

Last night, I was listening to some guy bragging about his one night stand.

I was like, so what dude. I have two night stands; one on either side of my bed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Night Stand (NSFW)

A guy successfully picks up a woman during a night out and brings her home for some casual sex. By the time they get to his apartment, they're both unbelievably horny. The front door has barely shut before they start making passionate love, stripping each others' clothes off on the way to the bedr...

Wanted: One Night Stand

I’m moving soon and my room is really empty and lonely. I have a bed in my room and I am looking for one night stand. I prefer black, but a darker brown will do. I would also like it to be unique, not some plain night stand you would pick up from Walmart.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blonde wakes up after a one night stand.

She sees some random guy sleeping next to her. Her memory is fuzzy, but she remembers some very passionate sex that took place last night.

She frantically wakes the guy up and asks him if they used any protection. The guy says no, not as far as he can remember.

"Damn" says the blon...

I had my first one night stand today.

My legs are starting to go numb. Does anyone have a chair for me to sit on?

My girlfriend packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman. She screamed, "I want you to go!" I said, "Please can we just talk about it first?" She replied, "Go on, I'm listening." I sat down and began...

"It was the most amazing experience of my entire life..."

One-night stands are great with drummers

As opposed to guitarists, there's no strings attached.

I said I am looking for one night stand

She looked at me with some hostility and said, "They only come in pairs," at the furniture shop.

Anyone looking for a one night stand?

I got one in good condition that I'm selling

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One night stand

A guy finishes up banging a girl he just met at a bar. He says "If I had known you were a virgin I would have taken it a little easier."

The woman says "If I had known you were in such a hurry I would have taken my pantyhose off."

one night stand

What's the difference between a one night stand and a washing machine? The washing machine won't call you everyday for a week after you put a load in it.

I had a one night stand with a girl the other night...

At the beginning of the night I played piano for her and she said I was just like Amadeus or Beethoven.

From that point on I knew she was never going to call me Bach.

"so why didn't you call me after our one night stand?"

"No,dear. It was an audition and you unfortunately didn't get the part!!"

I had a one night stand with an Amish guy the other week...

He never called me back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I stumbled out of bed from a one night stand to find my dad at the kitchen table.

"I'm proud of you son" he winked, "now tell me, did you use protection?"

"You know what they say, dad" I grinned, "up the bum no babies."

"Ha ha, that's my boy" he laughed, "what's her name?"

"Patrick" I replied.

One night stand

I felt so bad about my one night stand. I think I'll buy another one for the other side of the bed.

The problem with one-night stands is all the questions afterwards.

Like "do you plead guilty?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has a very passionate one night stand with a girl.

The next day when he wakes up he notices she is still caressing his cock. Amused he asks, "You are still horny, aren't you ?". The girl replies, " Nah I just miss mine."

Wify suggested one night stand is what we needed.

However, i did not like the idea. Instead, I bought two night stands.

What do you call a guy who’s had lots of one-night stands?

A cli-tourist.

I always keep a loaded gun on my night stand in case there’s an intruder

That way, I can shoot myself to avoid meeting new people.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bad one night stand.

So this guy walks into a bar. He sees a pretty, young girl so he walks up to her and buys her a drink. They start flirting and they both are getting a little drunk. So the guy asks the girl "Do you wanna come back to my place?" and she agrees. So they get back to his place, and they have the roughes...

Whenever I have a one night stand,I alweys use protection.

A fake name and a fake number.

My one night stand said I'm a lousy lover after we finished

Asked her how can she tell after 30 seconds?

One night stand

I'm not happy about my girlfriends one night stand.

I'd really like somewhere to put my phone and spare change when we go to bed.

How are one night stands like savings accounts?

...you make a deposit, withdrawal, then lose interest.

Checked into a hotel expecting one night stand

but there were 2! Mighty pleased.

A lovely Russian lady came up to the counter where I work and said "Please, I am looking for one night stand"

I had the shop shut up and the door locked before you could say knife, and we went to a bar for a couple of aperitifs, a nice restaurant, a club I know where they have a good floorshow, and then I took that lovely lady home and, being a gentleman, I will draw the veil of discretion over what followe...

A pair of Nuclear Missle operators, one American, one Russian, had a one-night stand.

When they parted, each told the other, "I'll miss you."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is the last straw,I'm now divorcing my wife. At first,it was some drunken one night stand during business trip, then it was her boss, our pool guy, pizza delivery guy , her very own stepbrother and even my own best friend...

I just can't stop sucking cocks ..

What do you call a woman who ghosts after a one-night stand?

A ding dong ditcher

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know why girls prefer funny guys for one night stands?

Because she knows he's just fucking with her.

I'm tired of this one night stand mentality in college...

I have multiple lamps and alarm clocks, I need at least two night stands.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having a one night stand with a beautiful woman (NSFW)

and she says, "Give me 9 inches and hurt me." So I fucked her 3 times and I slapped her.

My girlfriend broke up with me and I’ve been having a tough time getting over her. My friend said I should try having a one night stand, and I gotta say, it really helped!

The tissues are much closer to my bed now when I cry myself to sleep!

What is the difference between one night stand, long relationship and marriage?

in one night stand you tear off the panties

in long relationship you gently remove the panties

in marriage you wash and dry the panties. then fold them and put them in the clothes cupboard.

I met a girl last night at a bar and she asked me if I was looking for a one night stand

I told her no thank you, I had just bought one from Ikea.

I got slapped in the face for asking a girl if she was interested in one night stand.

Pretty rude, considering I was going to give her a discount on it as well.

What does a one night stand and cooking bad Chinese food have in common?

Both end in a wok of shame

One-night stand at first, but ended up happening again...

I mean, they're just so cheap at Ikea, so I had to go back to get another.

After a one night stand, a man climbs out of the woman's bed and puts on his clothes...

says "It was great to meat you" and leaves.

A woman walks into a hardware store and asks the shopkeeper if he'd like to have a one-night stand.

He gives her the nuts and bolts.

A guy wakes up after a one night stand and looks at the woman in his bed...

He then asks her "How old are you?"
"How dare you ask me that! A woman is as old as she looks."
"That's a lie, people don't live that long."

What do you call a guy who finds out a one night stand got pregnant, but is relieved to remember that they only did oral?

Gladiator.

I went on a date with a girl that I had a one-night stand with.

We arrived at the restaurant, sat down at our table and I scanned her face. She wasn't as attractive as I remembered.

As she looked through she menu, she said, "What are you having?"

I said, "Second thoughts."

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.