Night Stand Jokes

The second nightstand.

...I'm so sorry.

Edit: grammer, and i guess I'm not sorry :p

Edit2: grammar, damnit

Edit3: dammit!

He nuts and bolts.

I’ve actually got two of them by my bed.






(This is one from a list of stand-up jokes I’ve been writing)

There's usually strings attached.

Shouldn't come as a surprise, really. Chefs like to bone a petite.

We’ve been married three years now.

After that you should get a matching pair for the other side of the bed

A nut and bolt.

She gave me hermit crabs

Possibly two since I have two lamps

You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long it will last.

She said you told me it was 12 inches!
"No" I replied "you mis-heard me. I said it smells like a foot".

But then I returned it to the furniture store, I didn’t much like it.

the next morning she made me french toast

she got her tongue caught in the toaster.

Humpty Dumpty.

They leave the bar and end up at her house.
Her bedroom has an entire wall covered in rows of stuffed animals.

Biggest ones near the ceiling... getting smaller towards the floor...

He ends up staying the night...

In the morning he asked... how was I?

She said
Take... read more

You make a comment in the post and then never hear from it again.

You know you're going to hate yourself after.
You might even hate yourself during.
You feel gross after you're done.
It gets on and in your clothes, hands and hair.
You usually eat it in the dark.
Somewhere in the back of your mind you know that it's been laying in the same bin si... read more

I was like, so what dude. I have two night stands; one on either side of my bed.

I’m moving soon and my room is really empty and lonely. I have a bed in my room and I am looking for one night stand. I prefer black, but a darker brown will do. I would also like it to be unique, not some plain night stand you would pick up from Walmart.

My legs are starting to go numb. Does anyone have a chair for me to sit on?

"It was the most amazing experience of my entire life..."

As opposed to guitarists, there's no strings attached.

She looked at me with some hostility and said, "They only come in pairs," at the furniture shop.

I got one in good condition that I'm selling

What's the difference between a one night stand and a washing machine? The washing machine won't call you everyday for a week after you put a load in it.

At the beginning of the night I played piano for her and she said I was just like Amadeus or Beethoven.

From that point on I knew she was never going to call me Bach.

"No,dear. It was an audition and you unfortunately didn't get the part!!"

He never called me back.

I felt so bad about my one night stand. I think I'll buy another one for the other side of the bed.

Like "do you plead guilty?"

However, i did not like the idea. Instead, I bought two night stands.

A cli-tourist.

That way, I can shoot myself to avoid meeting new people.

A fake name and a fake number.

Asked her how can she tell after 30 seconds?

I'm not happy about my girlfriends one night stand.

I'd really like somewhere to put my phone and spare change when we go to bed.

...you make a deposit, withdrawal, then lose interest.

but there were 2! Mighty pleased.

I had the shop shut up and the door locked before you could say knife, and we went to a bar for a couple of aperitifs, a nice restaurant, a club I know where they have a good floorshow, and then I took that lovely lady home and, being a gentleman, I will draw the veil of discretion over what followe... read more

When they parted, each told the other, "I'll miss you."

A ding dong ditcher

I have multiple lamps and alarm clocks, I need at least two night stands.

The tissues are much closer to my bed now when I cry myself to sleep!

in one night stand you tear off the

in long relationship you gently remove the

in marriage you wash and dry the . then fold them and put them in the clothes cupboard.

I told her no thank you, I had just bought one from Ikea.

Pretty rude, considering I was going to give her a discount on it as well.

Both end in a wok of shame

I mean, they're just so cheap at Ikea, so I had to go back to get another.

says "It was great to meat you" and leaves.

He gives her the nuts and bolts.

He then asks her "How old are you?"
"How dare you ask me that! A woman is as old as she looks."
"That's a lie, people don't live that long."

Gladiator.

We arrived at the restaurant, sat down at our table and I scanned her face. She wasn't as attractive as I remembered.

As she looked through she menu, she said, "What are you having?"

I said, "Second thoughts."