UPJOKE
homehouseholdhouselesshousehouseprideguesthousedwellresidencehousekeeperhomeownerhomemadehomelikehousefuldomicilehabitation

My House Jokes

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch

Ouch

The police came to my house tonight holding a picture of my wife.

They said, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered, "Yes."

They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

The pub is ten minutes from my house...

However, my house is two hours from the pub...

A Sunday school teacher posed a question to her class, "If I were to sell my house, car, donate my possessions to charity, and give all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"

The children unanimously replied, "No."

The teacher then asked, "If I were to keep the church clean, mow the lawn, and keep everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

Once again, the answer was a resounding "No."

Apparently perplexed, the teacher asked, "Well, then how ...

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted

I don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.

Every morning when I go out of my house, a bike comes out of nowhere and tries to attack me.

It’s a ..vicious cycle.

Someone broke into my house last night and stole my Limbo stick..

How low can you get?

My house was bitten by a werewolf.

Now, in the light of the full moon, it becomes a werehouse. Not evil or anything, just more storage space..

So a cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway near my house...

Police advised citizens to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm having a meeting at my house for people who have trouble reaching orgasm.

Let me know if you can't come.

I asked an electrician to fix the electricity in my house...

He Re-fused.

My house got repossessed

Serves me right for not paying my exorcism bills.

Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house....

.....and it was delicious

A thief broke into my house and stole my prized thesaurus.

I am at a loss for words.

A thief broke into my house last night

He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him

Having a duck orgy at my house...

If anyone wants to come on down.

A new supermarket opened near my house.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department, there is th...

I get really embarrassed when female guests visit my house and my dog sniffs their crotch.

Ok, he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up, but it's still embarrassing.

I got thousands of letters delivered to my house today

That's the last time I order a dictionary from Ikea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thieves broke into my house and stole everything except my soap.

Dirty bastards.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Gran just asked me "What's the name of that God-damn Jew who keeps hiding stuff around my house!?"

It's Alzheimer, grandma. Alzheimer.

So I was showing my friends the first floor of my house

When one of them said "What's upstairs?".
I told him that the stairs don't talk.

I just started a diet. Here's a recap of Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house

It was delicious

Outside my house last night, zombies wouldn't stop moaning "brains! brains! brains!"

So I went out there and gave them a piece of my mind.

Somebody spray painted "procrastinating prick!" on the side of my house.

When I find out who did it, their years are numbered.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In my house it is a rule to always put the toilet seat lid DOWN!

We're always dropping shit in there.

I called the local council and asked if I could have a skip outside my house.

The lady replied, "mate you can do cartwheels and handstands for all I care"

- For those not in the UK, a skip is like a dumpster

The other day my house caught fire.

The insurance agent said, "Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and theft." Insurance agent frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft." Apparently, the only way I can make a claim with this coverage is if the house is robbed WHILE it's burning d...

In my house my kids call me Sir

Get me a drink Sir Vent.




Might not be funny, but it's original..... And a true story.

I got a voting booth to decorate my house today

it really polls the room together

An group of Asian men robbed my house a few nights ago.

The police said it was clearly a case of Chinese Take-Away.

My Friend Brought his cousin over to my house yesterday

He said “my cousin takes Everything literally.” So I tried not to say anything to him so nothing bad would happen, a few minutes after that I had to go to the store so I left my friend and his cousin at my house. When I got back everything was gone, including the cousin, but my friend was still ther...

My house was so windy it blew my window open and I struggled to get it to close

It was a huge pane

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm pissed. The window on my house FELL OFF onto my front lawn!

It's a pane in the grass.

My house-mate is terrified of negative numbers

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wasn't the only one in my house who was offended by the overly sexual nature of this year's Super Bowl Halftime Show.

Even my teenage son ran to his room so he wouldn't have to watch it.

I'm not saying my house has too many books

But I just saw an orang-utan in the kitchen, looking for a banana.

I confronted my housekeeper after she lied about servicing my house.

I just wanted her to come clean.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some people might say my house is messy...

I call it organically booby-trapped.

I woke up one night to the sound of someone breaking in to my house.

I quickly reached for my phone. My wife grabbed it away and whispered "Don't do that, he'll hear you! Take your baseball bat, go downstairs and chase him out!"

I reluctantly took my bat and creeped down the stairs.
I tiptoed into the kitchen.

Nobody there.

Slowly, I made my ...

When people come over to my house they always tell me I have a nice ceiling

I don’t think it’s the best but it’s up there.

The Lego store near my house just reopened after lockdown...

People were lining up for blocks.

Keith Richards and Mick Jagger came over for lunch at my house.

Unfortunately I undercooked the chicken and everyone got sick.

I almost killed 2 Stones with 1 bird.

Someone broke into my house and stole my toilet.

Local police investigated the crime scene, but had nothing to go on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a plumber over at my house today...

I had a plumber over at my house today, and he said his girlfriend found a text on his phone. She was pissed, she said "What the hell is this!?"

The text message said. " I need 2" gal nipples and clamps. "

Imma eliminate all the filth in my house

Final dustination

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Cop just burst into my house...

And starting aggressively jerking me off...


... must have been a beat cop.

I just shot a Frenchman who trespassed my house

No more Mr Nice Guy

she texted "come to my house, nobody's home"

I went over, nobody was home..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With the World Cup just days away I've finally prepared my house to get into the spirit

I locked up some immigrants in my basement and took their passports away until it's fully refurbished to watch the games.

This Halloween, I stopped the pranksters before they covered my house with eggs again.

We met up for negotiations and signed a trick or treaty.

There are creatures in my house…

… who sit in the same spot all day long, expect food to come to them, and leave silky white stuff everywhere.

Such is life with male teenagers.

The lights in my house just went out, so I have to call an electrician....

I am unable to deal with the current situation..

Local handyman comes to my house to give quotes..

I show him the kitchen that needs repainting.

"€30" he says, before walking to the window, opening it and screaming out "Green side up! Green side up!".

Ignoring the outburst because the price was so good I show him the bathroom that needs retiling.

"€30" he says, before again ...

I had to disable the Carbon Monoxide detector in my house

the constant beeping made me feel sick, dizzy, and gave me a headache.

My staggered into my house, sat down, and started sobbing.

(Edit: Title correction- My friend staggered into my house, sat down and started sobbing)

He said "Everyone keeps making fun of me. They say I'm fat, careless and that I don't think of anyone besides for myself! My landlord is so annoyed at my absent-mindedness, he's threatening to evict me! ...

My Roommate told me that my house is haunted.

I've been living there for 200 years and found nothing weird.

When I sold my house...

The new owner called me up and asked; "How much wallpaper did you buy when you did the living room?". "12 rolls" I answered.

Three days later I got another angry call. "You said you bought 12 rolls of wallpaper, but I only needed 7!". "Funny", I responded, "I had the same thing!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.


When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $80. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appo...

I broke a mirror in my house, I’m supposed to get seven years of bad luck.

But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”

“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”

“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”

“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she...

The Aborists came to my house on Christmas Day.

I was visited by the tree wise men.

I wish my house was big enough to let all the homeless people in my town live there.

I wouldn't actually let any of them live there, I just want to give an example of how large I want my house.

The tornado may have taken my house but I found it very refreshing

It was an F5

The local blind man came to my house today.

But after a short look through the catalogue I’ve decided to stick with curtains.

Last night someone broke into my house

And used my bathroom, it was most disgusting thing I've ever seen

who squeezes toothpaste from middle?

Two friends, dead drunk, are on their way home, one says to the other, go up to my house for the last drink...

They enter the house, the owner of the house asks his friend not to make noise, so as not to wake his wife, and goes to the kitchen to get beers.
Meanwhile, the friend left alone, hears noises coming from the bedroom, looks out and takes a peek into the bedroom, sees his friend's wife in bed wi...

My friend and I are in my house, arguing about what Disney Pixar movie we’re watching tonight.

I told him that if we weren’t going to watch The Incredibles, he would need to leave my house.

So that’s exactly what he did.

He shut Up and left.

I put up a high-voltage electric fence around my house.

My neighbor is dead against it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'd been collecting coprolite for years, must have spent thousands, only for some completely useless removal guys to lose the whole collection during my house move.

I wasn't just angry. I completely lost my shit.

Underage drinking is a big issue in my house.

My son is drinking whisky that's only aged for two years.

Honestly, he's the dumbest ten-year-old I've ever met.

Voting results have just been certified at my house

My wife will remain in charge for another four years

I was warned not to build my house next to a home for recovering Objectophiliacs

They said “if you build it, they will come”.

I can't believe my neighbors came to my house at 5:00 AM...

...thank god I was already up playing the bagpipes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My house must be haunted

Every night i wake up to the sound of my laptop playing porn.

What does my house where?

Address

A dog is helping construct my house

He specializes in roofing

I had a threesome at my house last night

There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had a good time!

a blonde calls 911 and says "help, help, my house is on fire" ...operater says "stay calm ma'am, we'll send the fire department. how do we get to your house?"

Blonde: "duh...big red truck"

The circus near my house started a competition to find the best contortionist

So I entered myself, and won.

In my house I'm the boss....

My wife is just the decision maker.

I just had a survey done on my house...

8 out of 10 people said they really liked it.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.