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Institut Jokes

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In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room…

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just a...

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US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.

The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.

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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it agai...

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources officer asked a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “and what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, fourteen paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years? Say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow!! ...

What institution servs the most unhealthy meals?

The Mayo Clinic.

The Institute of Incomplete Studies (ISS)

determined that 7 out of 10 people

Researchers at Institute of Incomplete Statistics inform that

9 in every 100 people

The Kinsey Institute once conducted a study on men's preferences for women's physical attributes.

5% of men reported liking long legs. 5% of liked short legs. And the other 90% liked something in between.

Walking past a mental institution

I heard the residents chanting “twelve, twelve twelve”. As I kept walking I noticed a small hole in the tall wooden fence. Since the residents were still chanting “twelve, twelve, twelve” I decided to peek through the hole and see what was happening. As soon as I looked, a stick came through the hol...

The institute of unfinished research

The institute of unfinished research has concluded that 6 out of 10 people

Darryl and Harold were in a mental institution....

Darryl and Harold were in a mental institution. The place had an unusual annual contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two questions. If they got them correct, they were deemed cured and free to go.

Darryl was called into the doctor s office first and asked if he understood...

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Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Institute of Mental Health

If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, please press button 1. Again. And again. And again.

If you have a multiple personality disorder press in rapid sequence keys 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoia, we have to inform you that we already know who you are, what you d...

Psychiatrists observe two patients at a mental institution...

Jack and Jill, the two patients, form an extremely strong bond. The relationship is helping both Jack and Jill cope with difficult social interactions. Jack and Jill make such progress, the doctors decide to observe them in various situations around the mental institution to see if they are ready ...

Two men break out of a mental institution.

Two men steal flashlights and break out of a mental institution. They find themselves on the roof of the building with orderlies closing in. The men look and see there is an adjacent roof they might be able to jump onto. The first man runs and leaps over the gap, landing on the roof of the next buil...

Did you hear about that new physics institute?

It’s so big, there is a dedicated infrared-light district!

I only go after women who are locked-up in Mental Institutions.

I’m looking for a “committed” relationship.

The Ohio and Michigan Institute of Lions and Tigers and Bears.

OH,MI.

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Mental Institution

So this guy delivers packages to this mental institution but has never gone in. He was curious one day and decided to go in and he met with the main supervisor and he took him around. So they were walking down the halls and they saw a door that was open. Inside was a person who was playing imaginary...

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Working in a mental institution

There was a nurse in a mental institution. As he was doing his rounds, he saw a patient dribbling and imaginary basketball and then shooting it. The nurse said "What are you doing?" The man replied, "I get out in 2 months and I'm going to the NBA." The nurse laughed and moved on

The next room...

A guy is waiting for the bus in front of a mental institution

There is a tall wooden fence surrounding it. The man starts hearing a group of people on the other side of the fence yelling "14, 14, 14!" So he walks over and finds a small hole. When he ducks down to peek through, all of a sudden he gets poked in the eye.



The people on the other si...

The mental institution just got a new shrink...

...and on his first day he is shown around the hospital and introduced to the staff and patients.

As he comes to the activity room, there is a group of patients sitting in a circle facing one another. One of them says: "Number 31!" And the others start laughing. He notices that one of the pat...

Mental institution

There's a mental institution, and they are having a
patient evaluation, to see if any patients need to be there
any longer. The doctor then goes around questioning the top three candidates.
He goes to the first patient and asks him , "What is 3 times 3?"
After an hour of scratching his h...

They locked down and instituted a curfew in the capital of Switzerland.

It's a controlled Bern.

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A woman from the Women's Institutes goes to her Doctor...

A woman from the Women's Institute goes to her Doctor with an embarrasing problem, every time she delivers a speech to the women of the WI she farts constantly all the way through.

The Doctor says, "I would like you to demonstrate your problem for me by reading aloud your latest speech to me ...

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Hitler visits a mental institute.

He performs an inspection of the facility, and when he enters the patients’ area they all leap out of bed. As he walks down the line, the patients salute him one after another. He gets to the end of the row, and finds a janitor casually leaning on a mop, not reacting at all. “Vat is zis!” the furor...

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Elon Musk wants to start a university called the ‘Texas Institute of Technology & Science and an affiliate called Austin School of Science

To be known as TITS and ASS

I recently donated all of my Jerry Garcia memorabilia to the Smithsonian Institute,

it was a dead giveaway.

I got a flat tire outside of the Mental Institution.

I wrestled the tire off, but stripped out half of the nuts. "Great! What am I gonna do now?", I spit, angrily.

"Put one on every other lug, then drive cautiously to a place you can get some more." A patient was looking over the wall.

"How'd you know that?", I asked.

"I'm craz...

What do fans supporting The Culinary Institute of America cheer at their sporting events?

Die or Beat Us!

Which educational institute did many Jehovah's Witnesses graduate from?

The School of Hard Knocks.

What do you call walking trails behind mental institutions?

Psychopaths

Marriage is an institution of three rings.

Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering

My uncle is a general contractor primarily focused on the construction of new branch locations for credit unions and other financial institutions.

He makes bank.

A man was in a line of patients trying to get his release from a mental institution.

He watched as the others went in to meet with the doctor and heard the questions the doctor asked, which were:


"point to your right arm", "point to your stomach", point to your toes", point to your knee," and so on. He saw which answers were correct, and which answers were wrong.

...

Here at the Klingon Hairdressing Institute

It is a good day to dye.

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There's a sadist, a zoophile, a murderer, a necrophiliac, an arsonist and a masochist all sitting around a table in a mental institution.

Suddenly the sadist says, let's torture a cat. Then the zoophile says yeah let's torture a cat and then have sex with it. Then the murderer says, let's torture a cat, have sex with it and then kill it. The necrophiliac follows up with, let's torture a cat, have sex with it, kill it and then have sex...

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Just had some syrian ask me the way to the mental institution,

Fucking asylum seeker.

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A doctor in a mental institution is making his daily rounds. Long NSFW

In the first room he visits he finds a man pretending to bounce and shoot a ball. He asks the man what he is doing, he replies “when I get out of here I’m going to be a professional basketball player!” The doctor says “oh that’s great!” And proceeds to the next room.

In the next room he find...

These blind guys at the institution think i am dyslexic.

I mean i spent a month learning sign language to talk to them.

(NSFW) a 1990 Kinsey Institute report states that 5 to 10 percent of the U.S. population engages in sadomasochism at least an occasional basis.

That's a rough estimate

I was walking by a mental institution on my way to work

And in the yard behind the fence, I heard people shouting "four, four, four...". I was curious so I peeked through the wood planks to see what was happening. Someone jabbed a stick in my eye and then everyone started shouting "five, five, five...".

A world renowned doctor is asked to visit a local mental institute to ensure all the patients truly belonged there...

He is told he will visit three patients and will be supervised by the institutes owner. When he arrives he visits the first patient in his room and sees the patient defecating into his own hands and smearing it on the wall. He quickly turns towards the supervisor  and says “this man truly belongs he...

Pete and Jenny were long time patients at the mental institution...

...and they had formed a relationship.
They were walking past the pond, Pete fell in and sank, Jenny, with no thought for her own safety, dived to the bottom of the pool and rescued him, she also gave him the kiss of life.
A few days later Jenny was summomed before the board of the hospital an...

Prince William visits the Royal Institute for the insane...

He inspects the facilities and has a cup of tea with the workers, just as his mother would have done. He then asks to speak to a few of the residents. The staff were hesitant to agree to the request, but seeing as he was the chief patron of the institute, they couldn`t say no.

After meeting ...

Did you hear about the doctor who sent a group of crows to a mental health institution?

He committed a murder.

Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the U.S. National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, told the President: "This morning, 3 Brazilians were killed by Covid-19."

Trump's face went egg-shell white with shock. The blood drained from his face; and, to everyone’s amazement, he collapsed on the floor.

Minutes passed, and to everyone’s relief President Trump got up shakily and then sat back on his chair.

His staff was nothing less than stunned at thi...

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In a mental institution, everyday a woman goes around flashing everyone...

and every time she does it, she lifts up her gown and yells "SUPER PUSSY!", revealing her old, disgustingly hairy pussy. And every time she does it, everybody turns and watches her as she runs off, and goes about their business.

Day after day, she runs up to everybody yelling "SUPER PUSSY!", ...

Heard at Mass today that the government is providing scholarships to students who'd like to attend religious institutions...

Someone Alert the Masses!

Cop: do you know why i pulled you over?

Me: because the police force is a fascist institution designed to protect the wealthy

Cop: there's a man in your trunk

Me: yea a 𝙧𝙞𝙘𝙝 man

The U.S. instituted a new law after a man dressed as Santa committed a felony.

It was called the Santa Clause.

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.
They hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book...

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Bernie Sanders goes to a union brothel

Bernie Sanders decides he wants to seek out a prostitute in a brothel, but not just any brothel will do. As a true champion of the working class he will only give his patronage to a true union institution.

He walks into the first brothel and he asks the owner, "if I were to pay $100, how much...

I had a terrible nightmare

It was quite strange. I dreamt that the Canadian singer-songwriter Abel Makkonen Tesfaye had conquered the world and instituted a horrible system of forced labor. There was no alternative.

Everybody was workin' for The Weeknd.

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A man meets a woman at a bar and tells her he went to M.I.T

"I graduated in two years" he said as he ordered her a drink. "Now I have a good job."

She was very impressed, but slightly confused. "How did you graduate within two years? I thought most people need at least four?"

"Oh, I'm not that dumb" he said as the drinks arrived. She thought no...

Trump as president visiting kindergarten, school and prison...

So, Trump with Mike Pence visits institutions around US to see what he can do to make infrastructure better for people.
First, kindergarten. He sees leaking roof, worn out toys and playground, underpayed teachers.
- Mike, write down, let's donate from federal budget 1 milion $ to each kinderg...

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First day working at the nuthouse.

A guy starts his first day at his new job in the local mental institution. The boss tells him his first day all he has to do is check on 4 patients, and write down how they are doing. He walks to the first patient's room and opens the door. The patient is pretending to play football. He then asks th...

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What do we do with this baby?

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.

Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head...

this is a joke

3 men are going on parole to be set free from a mental institute.



In this institute, you get asked one question for parole, and if your'e correct you would be set free.



The first person comes in, and he is asked: What is 2+2? He answers, Chicken! The directors deny h...

Thats how they do it..

A man goes into a mental institution and talks to the doctor in charge.

He asks the doctor how a patient is actually admitted to the mental institution.

The doctor says, 'well, we send each patient into a room filled with a bathtub full of water. We then hand each patient a spoon, a la...

When I was at school...

When I was at school, the other pupils voted me: "Pupil most likely to end up in a mental institution."
They got that wrong!
Turns out I'm actually:
"Only pupil who didn't die in a mysterious unexplained accident."

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I was out for a drive when the car suddenly started shuddering and the front wheel fell off.

I stopped and got out trying to figure out what the heck happened.
As I cross the front of the car I can see the tire is in the ditch by a fence that says, St Clements institute for the insane. I can plainly see that the lug nuts have all come off allowing the tire to falloff the car.
I quickl...

Three idiots

Three idiots are in a mental institution. They're being evaluated by a doctor to see if they can go home.

He asks the first one: "What is 20 times 4". "70000" says the first one.

So he asks the second idiot: "What is 20 times 4". "Tuesday!" says the second idiot.

He asks the th...

Why you should mind your own business...

A man was strolling down the street and he was walking past a mental institution. There was a wooden fence separating the sidewalk and the mental institution. As he was walking he heard a group of patients chanting "13, 13, 13!" and because he was curious he peered through a hole in the fence to see...

Confusing

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who t...

WHO investigators wanted to talk to the Wuhan scientists.

When they arrived to Wuhan Institute of Virology CCP officials informed them that unfortunately all the scientists have died after eating poison mushrooms.



WHO investigators were suspicious so they demanded that they exhume the bodies of dead scientists and check if they really died ...

13

A man is walking down a sidewalk and he walks near a mental institute and he hears a crowd yelling, “Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!” The man wonders why they are chanting thirteen and sees a hole in the fence and sticks his eye through it and something stabs his eye. The crowd yells, “Fourteen! Fourt...

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A restaurant owner tells his bartender: ok, today we're gonna serve a special cocktail.

You have to take 10 grams of vodka, dilute it in 100 liters of water and that's basically it.

Bartender: What is this, some mental institution inmates celebrate an anniversary of their institutionalization?

The restaurant owner: No, just a bunch of homeopaths having a corporate party.

What do you call a teacher that doesn't fart in public?

A private tutor (tooter)


Heard it from a guy on the street selling newspapers in front of the art institute in chicago.

There is a university in Germany that continually searches for the biggest piece of wood

Its the Max Plank institute

[OC] I'm starting a Deist church.

It's a non-prophet institution.

Mitch McConnell goes to the doctor....

Mitch McConnell goes to the doctor for a regular checkup. The doctor checks his heart. Then he checks his breathing, his eyes and ears. He does the works. After finishing checking him up and just before sending him out the door McConnell asks.

McConnell: “Hey doc I’d like to donate my body to...

What do you call a sudden fart?

An institute.

How I learned to mind my own business???

One day I was walking near a mental institution. Everyone in the courtyard was yelling: “13 13 13 !!!”
The fence was to high to see anything, but I found a hole so I got close to peak through it.. A crazy guy poked me in the eye and everyone started yelling: “ 14 14 14!!!”

Where do people send crazy cigarettes?

To the menthol institution

A man visits a psychiatrist, saying...

...."Doc, my brother thinks he’s a chicken. He walks around clucking all day.” And the psychiatrist says "well, maybe you should send him in to an institution?" and the guy says I would but I need the eggs

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normally don't like longer jokes but, this is funny

A US Navy cruiser was anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening in port, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy, influential plantation owner (who also happened to be a very generous political donor). It read:

"Dear Ca...

A man owned a sentient calculator

He would show it to people all the time, and tell them about the sentient calculator. He'd ask a question, and the calculator would give the answer, and every time it was the correct one. At first, people were excited, and they would demand to know what the trick was. A lot of theories, ranging from...

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A guy goes into the bathroom at a bar.

He's using the urinal when this really short guy starts using the urinal next to him. The guy can't help but notice this little guy is hung like a donkey. Having had a few drinks, he comments on the dudes huge member.
The short guy laughs and in a thick Irish accent he says, "Aye. I'm a leprecha...

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A graduate student in psychology

A psychology graduate student working at a local university was sent on a field assignment to evaluate the mental condition of three patients in a local mental institution and assess their possibilities for reintegration into society.

The facility was well funded and nicer than the student ex...

A man moved in to a new apartment,

He was excited because he now lived very close to his job and would no longer have to endure the horrendous traffic to and from work. While plotting his walk in the morning he noted that his path took him by a mental institution. Thoroughly enjoying his morning stroll , he heard some voices drifting...

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A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his pants pocket.

But the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his shoe. Unfortunately, the shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the buttons. Since pockets with holes, holes without buttons, and shoe soles with holes are useless, the man ripped the buttonholes out of his shirt and the pocket from his pants an...

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