UPJOKE
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Freakin Jokes

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In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist, he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.





Edit: Wow! Thank you for all of the awards, I didn't anticipate that. Some people need to relax though. This is just a freakin' joke, not the agenda of a movement.

Also,...

One eyed guy goes fishing without any word or notice to his wife. Has a great trip, comes home sunburnt with a cooler full of fish fillets. Wife meets him at the door, screaming, "HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF YOU DIDN'T SEE ME FOR TWO DAYS?!". Guy answers without thinking, "That'd be freakin' GREAT!".

So the rest of that night, he doesn't see her. Next day, doesn't see her. Third day? He finally sees her.

She says "So, smart ass? How was that?"

.

.

.

He says, "Punch me again, it was better when I was all swollen and couldn't see you."

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I think you'll like this joke, even though it's a little long

An Elderly Irish lady visits her physician
To ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem," said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra.”
"What on Earth is Iri...

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I can't freakin' believe this!!

So you cowards think you're bad because 4 of you came at me & started crap with me AGAIN?? 4....REALLY??? Now it takes 4 of you to come at me??? I still handled all of you, left one of you on the ground..slapped the crap out of one of you and left blood everywhere, two got away. I just came out ...

The freakin' weather

Back during the days of the former Soviet Union, a fellow by the name of Gerald Chattington had a friend in the Soviet Embassy by the name of Rudolph Nosov, who would drop by occasionally.

One evening, Gerald and his wife, Peg, were sitting in the kitchen chatting when Gerald looked out the ...

The Pope visits Texas

The Pope was state bound scheduled to give a speech in Dallas, TX. On their way to the venue the Pope rolls down the privacy glass in the limo and says to his chauffeur, "Hey, you know what? I've always rode in these things, but I've never driven one! Do you mind if we switch spots?" Being it was th...

The moist finger

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, at first encountering resistance but then plunging in, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.

I took my finger back out and within seconds, before I knew it, she was going down on me.

And I thought to myself..... "I really ...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"I put an ad on Craigslist today trying to sell my pet python," he tells the bartender. "Is it big?" the bartender asks. "It's freakin' huge!" the guy replies. "How many feet?" the bartender asks. "None you idiot," the guy replies. "It's a snake."

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Friends intervened to get a guy married who was spending way too much time and money on hookers. They set him up with a sweet gal and sure enough love bloomed, bells rang and off they went on their honeymoon.

His buddies jumped on him soon as they got back.
"So how was it? Better than shagging pros right? Come on tell us."
He looked pensive.
"Come on!"
"Well, the sex was great the first night. We pretty much knocked each other out."
"Told ya!"
"But I screwed up. Before nodding off, out ...

Been chatting and flirting with this 14 year old chick

Now she tells me she's an undercover cop. How freakin' cool is that for someone her age.

I don’t know how the Chinese fell for Mao and the communist party

I mean, there were a freakin ton of red flags.

Roses are red, That much is true

But violets are purple
Not freakin blue

2 kids are sitting in a hospital...

The first one is clearly nervous, so the second says “hey man, you ok?”

“Yeah, it’s just that my family just converted to Judaism and my parents brought me here to get circumcised.”

“Oh man that sucks!” replies the other kid. “I was circumcised when I was a week old and I couldn’t walk...

Hippie jokes

Q: How can you tell a hippie has been at your house?

A: He's still there.

Q: What did he say when you told him to leave?

A: Namaste.
___________________
Q: What's the difference between a hippie chick and a joint?

A: The joint won't make it all the way around the ci...

I met a guy who was a r/jokes subscriber.

Funnily enough he remembers all the jokes he ever heard.

So I asked him, "How can you remember all the freakin' jokes?"

He replied, "Its hard to forget when you are reminded every minute."

The Pope was driving to the airport one day...

They got there super early. The pope decided he wanted to kill some time with his favorite hobby from before he became pope: driving. So he switched seats with his driver and off he went.

It had been years since he had driven a car, so he was flying down the highway. Soon a cop saw him doing...

A kangaroo enters a bar in the middle of the outback

Everyone stares at him awkwardly, wondering how an animal could be lost to the point of entering a human home. The kangaroo jumps up to the bar and says :

"Hey, gimme a pint of beer."

The owner, confused by this sight, points at the beer taps :

"Er, which one ?"

"Gimme an...

Guy at a restaurant orders a soup

Some random guy orders a soup in the restaurant and the waiter brings him the soup. Right after the waiter leaves the table the guy calls him back and says "Try the soup" the waiter asks "What's the matter, is it too salty?" guy says "Go ahead and taste it" and the waiter asks "Is it too spicy?" and...

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So there was this guy

So there was this guy, yeah?

He wakes up in the middle of the night, sees an angel standing at the foot of his bed.

Angel says, "Hey, man! Yeah... hate to tell you this, but, um... it's your, uh... time. Yeah."

Dude's all like, "Wait, what? Whaddya mean it's 'my time'?"

A...

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It's Mr. Simon's last mail delivery after 40 years of dedicated service.

And as he arrives at the last house on his route, the number of gifts and tokens of appreciation in his overbrimming mail cart is pretty damned impressive.

And it's not without a tear in his eye that he flips the front door's brass mail slot to push the last delivery of his professional life ...

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Irish Nuns

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says:
"I don'...

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Cannibals are nasty

3 friends are captured by cannibals.

Each one of of them are given a last wish before they are killed.
The first guy asks for a smoking hot blonde. He has his way with her. As soon as his done, his skinned alive and killed. They use the skin to make the covering of a canoe. The other two...

Deep Sea Diver

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth, but with no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 feet, and the guy joined him a moment later.

The diver went down even farther and the same guy was right behi...

Two robins were sitting in a tree.

"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.
"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," s...

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Two Drunk Guys are Sitting at The Bar

So there's two drunk guys sitting a the bar in New York. They introduce themselves to one another, and the conversation continues:

Drunk #1: "So where you from?"

Drunk #2: "Oh I'm from Dublin, Ireland."

Drunk #1: "No fucking way!"

Drunk #2: "What?"

Drunk #1: "I'm f...

Having a Party?

My wife came in from shopping with two 18-pack cases of lager, a case of bitters, six bottles of wine, four handles of Vodka, two bottles of Bourbon, a case of club soda, ice and two loaves of bread. …

I said, “Are we having a party?” …

She said, “No.”

I said, “Why did you buy t...

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Ted Nugent

Ted Nugent is driving down the interstate late at night when nature begins to call. He sees a sign for a rest stop. He says to himself, "Oh man, I know what goes on at these places at night, but I gotta go!"

So he pulls in to the rest stop, looks in the bathroom and finds it empty. Relieved...

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Two times two is four, four plus five is nine, I can pee in yours but you can't pee in mine".

A guy and a girl are having sex when they both say, "I'm really hungry and thirsty too. It was freakin' freezing in the house so they both have an argument over who should go get the food and drink.

After a while they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come up with the best poem would be ...

The Parrot Joke.

!Okay, so, this single fellow in his mid forties has a parrot. He just recently acquired his new feathered friend at the local aviary. However recently the creature has been acting strange. It swears endlessly all day. The man does not swear around the bird and can't understand where it picked u...

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A redditor goes to the doctor for mumps... (copypasta from an askreddit thread)

"I had the mumps during my first year of college, and along with that I got Orchitis (swelling of the testicles caused by the mumps) in my left nut, which swelled up to the size of a potato. It was really painful and heavy so I had to carry it everywhere for a while. So I went to the doctors, he che...

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