For my cake day, I'd like to share my favorite joke of all time.

Three guys were walking down the street.

Two of them walked into a bar.

The third guy ducked.

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What’s a sex offenders favorite shoes ?

White Vans.

It's my cake day, so I wanna share my favorite joke :-)

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to ...

When I was younger one of my favorite jokes to tell was about a 4,000 lb. elephant. I tried to convert it to metric to share with the rest of the world.

But, it never got a laugh. Just these looks of mass confusion.

What is Karen's favorite drink?

White whine

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My favorite Norm Macdonald joke

(I’m paraphrasing a bit)

Someone told me that the worst thing about the whole Cosby thing was the hypocrisy. I disagreed.

I thought it was the raping.


—————-
RIP you magnificent bastard.

(Edit: formatting)

What is your favorite Norm Macdonald joke/lune

"You,re the first defensive player ever to win the Heisman trophy, and no one can take that away from you."


"....Unless, of course, you kill your wife and a waiter"

If you see your joke, by all means comment, but don't repeat it, find another -he has thousands and thousands - I ...

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My favorite joke I’ve ever read on Reddit, one of the first I’ve ever read here too: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

What is a flat earther's least favorite flavor of gum?

Spheremint

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Favorite Norm MacDonald joke I heard live

PREFACE: Several years ago Norm was doing standup in Vegas. it was at the South Point casino, a little ways off the strip. At the same time there was a rodeo going on as well. Forget the name of the rodeo but it was advertised as being LGBT friendly. So thus it was known as the "gay rodeo"
<...

What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.

Sincerely,

Your Internet Provider

Favorite Math joke (NSFW). What’s the square root of 69?

8 something

My all time favorite: How do you catch a polar bear?

You cut a hole in the ice and line it with frozen peas. Then when the bear goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.

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My favorite sex position is called WOW.

It’s where I flip your MOM over.

I made this one up today…. What is Santa’s favorite weather?

It’s rain, dear!

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Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was.

I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member o...

What's a Maths student's favorite drink?

Probably tea.

What is a cop's favorite Christmas song?

Police Navidad

My Favorite Christmas Joke

It was early December, and a posh hotel was hosting a chess convention. The convention had rented out the hotel's entire separable ballroom, and the first day had, thus far, gone smoothly, with all but the quater-, semi-, and ultimate final rounds decided in the tournament. The time came for a break...

What is the truck drivers favorite part of the movies?

The trailers

What is Serena Williams’ favorite number?

Ten is.

What’s a Frenchman’s favorite appendage?

Defeat.

Which is the octopus' favorite card?

3 of hearts.

What is a pothead's favorite beer?

Miller High Life

My favorite thanksgiving dish is

Revenge, a dish best served cold

Where is a pirate's favorite place to eat?

Arrrby's

My grandfathers favorite joke: what’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

The drug dealer can’t wash the crack and resell it

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What's the Quaker man's favorite after dinner delight?

Oatmeal cream pie

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What is a dog's favorite time of day?

Ate turdy

Why are uncooked noodles a cannibal's favorite food?

Because they love rawmen.

Whats an alcoholic motorcycle's favorite drink?

RUUUMrumrumrumrumrumrumRUMRUUUUMMMrumrumrum

What’s donkey from shrek’s favorite Bruce Lee movie?

Enter the dragon

My father, who as a child loved baseball, once told me about a time that his dad broke his favorite baseball bat in half because he came home late one night.

When I was younger, and I loved video games, my dad smashed my Playstation after he found a pack of cigarettes in my room. Now, as a father myself, I told myself I'd never do this to *my* son. My son loves BMX and wants to be in the X-Games. Last night I caught him using my credit card to gamble onl...

What is a Bluetooth device's favorite kind of story?

A pairable

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I once had donuts delivered to my favorite strip club

The baker asked how many strippers were there and I said there were six. He sent them two donuts each. He remarked, "You know, that works out pretty evenly!" and I said, "Yeah, dozen tit?"

What’s a pirates favorite element on the periodic table?

Gold. What the hell would they need argon for?

Got into an argument with a colleague so I bought their favorite Indian food, to attempt to make up.

I tried to curry favor but they were having naan of it. I only managed to tikka them off more.

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I tried to translate and adapt one of my favorite jokes. Hope it works.

A Mexican gunslinger were hired to kill an old American lady who was deaf in one ear. The man put his two silver revolvers in the holster at his waist, put his bullet belt around his chest, took his lucky sombrero and went to the lady’s house in the United States.



In front of the woma...

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What's a pirate's favorite element?

Gold, duh. What the fuck is a pirate going to do with Argon?

What’s Christ’s favorite cheesy cracker?

Jeez-Its.

What is a Canadian's favorite board game?

Sorry!

What’s a singer’s favorite sandwich?

So-la-mi

What’s a squirrel’s favorite kind of joke?

Acorny one.

What is a golfer's favorite type of cheese?

Par-mesean

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In honor of Norm Macdonald, here is my favorite joke of his.

There was a fella, a little boy in school named Dirty Johnny. He'd always be a hellion in class and the teacher didn't think much of him.

So the teacher has an in-class project, and she says "Now this is what you're gonna do here, class. I want you to stand up, and tell the class a story fro...

What kind of vegetable is a chickens favorite?

Bok Bok Choy

What’s a weebs favorite car?

A Nissan

What is Gordon Ramsay's least favorite movie?

Frozen

What is an alcoholics least favorite part of a baseball game?

The bottom of the 5th.

What's a Serial Killer's favorite Vegetable?

Arti*chokes*

Who’s a sloth’s favorite rapper?

Lay-Z

What is a 100-year-old's favorite metal band?

Age Against the Machine.

You know what my least favorite thing about network television is?

Find out after the break.

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What is a male streakers favorite movie?

Free Willy

What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?

He sticks it in Olive Oyl...

Orange is my favorite colour

I love it more than red and yellow put together

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It's Catherine and Michael's 15th Wedding Anniversary

>**Catherine:** "You know what, You've bought me enough jewelry the past 15 anniversaries, so this time I'm gonna make it all about you."

*Catherine decides to take Michael to a strip club as a special little gift. They arrive at the strip club, and are greeted by the bouncer at the do...

What is Helen Keller’s favorite color?

Corduroy.

What is a cannibal’s favorite candy?

Mentos

My favorite joke.

**Two Irishmen walk out of a bar.**

What is Loki's least favorite day of the week?

Thor's Day

My favorite Russian joke translated

An eskimo on his way home hails a taxi. As he's getting in, the taxi driver says "if you guess my riddle I'll take you home for free". The Eskimo says "ok go".

– Ok, he looks like me but isn't me.

– Hmm a raindeer?

– Nope.

– Shoot I give up.

– My brother!

...

My family's favorite drummer jokes.

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they have machines for that now.

What did the drummer say before he was kicked out of the band?

Hey, I thought I'd share some song ideas I've written.

How do you count drummers?

1, 2 ... 1, 2, 3, 4.

What's a French gamer's favorite gamemode in halo?

Regicide!

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My favorite joke (its a tad long)

So there's this cardiologist and every night after work he visits his friend Richard that owns a bar. Each time he orders the same drink, an almond daiquiri.
One night the bartender runs out of almond syrup so when the doctor comes for his regular drink the bartender decides to say nothing and...

What is a carpenters favorite band?

Nine inch nails.

What’s a wizard’s favorite class in school?

Spelling

Where is a Furries favorite place to get an oil change?

Yiffy Lube.

I just found out my favorite arcade game used Christian music from the 1800s Finland in the background.

Yeah. Mortal Kombat used Finnish Hymns

While discussing horror movies, my friend asked me who my favorite monster from film is.

Me: "Hmmm that's a tough one. I think I'd have to go with the vampire from Sesame Street."

Friend: "What!? He doesn't count."

Me: "Oh I assure you, he does."

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My grandfather’s favorite joke

An old fisherman makes camp up in the wild north country near a blue-green lake, and in the morning he starts to make breakfast. As he’s cooking, a little family of moles living in a mole-hill nearby begin to smell what the old fisherman’s cooking. The mother mole says “Hey! Old Fisherman’s cooking,...

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

What’s the solar system’s favorite type of egg scramble?

Sunny-Side up…

I couldn’t resist

What’s Sisyphus’ least favorite band?

Rolling Stones

My favorite Irish joke about The Olympics

An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman wanted to see the Olympics, but they didn't have tickets. They went round back to see if they could sneak in, but there was a guard at the rear entrance which is also where the competing athletes entered. The Englishman looks around and sees a long pole on the g...

A pirate walks into his favorite bar with a roll of paper towels on his head

The bartender says " What's with the paper towels Skipper? "

The pirate says " Arr, there be a bounty on me head "

What did Pete Townsend say when Roger Daltrey told him that he'd lost his favorite old lime-colored belt?

"Relax. It's only a green, aged, waistband."

Who is the chicken's favorite composer?

Bach.

A woman marries a narcissist

There was a woman who married a man who never thought of anyone other than himself. His favorite thing to do was to complain about his wife to anyone who would hear. One day he went out with a mule and started complaining about his wife to the mule. The mule was so annoyed by his complaining that it...

What's a geologist's favorite dating app?

Carbon-14 Dating.

My favorite Dad joke, because it’s my cake day.

Why does a chicken coup only have two doors?



Because if it had four doors, it would be a sedan.

The husband finds his wife's favorite cat passed away.

The cat is stucked in the drain on the roof and drowned.

When the wife gets home the husband and coldly tells her the truth. "Honey, your cat is dead!"

The wife is saddened by hearing it but she starts to nag her husband to be a bit more commiserating.

"Why you are so cruel? Y...

What's Gordon Ramsay's favorite band?

Rage Against the Cuisine

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."

"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

What’s Mitch McConnell’s favorite movie?

Kill Bill.

What’s a pirates favorite letter?

In best pirate voice “me hart will always belong to the CCCCcccc!!!”

Why is Schrodinger's favorite holiday Halloween?

Because of the trick or treaters.

What's a dentist's favorite subject?

Calculus.

What’s Peter Pan’s favorite fast food restaurant?

Wendy’s.

What’s a cats favorite color?

Purrrple!


(Told by my 5yo niece.)

What's Harry Potters favorit way to get down a hill?

Walking.



JK, Rolling!

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what's a British vampire's favorite sexual position?

Cunnilingus full stop.

What's a chiropractor's favorite food?

Baby crack ribs.

My favorite wisk broke

I saw the same one at the store but I didnt have any money for it so I decided to steal it. I knew the repercussions of shoplifting, but it was just a wisk I was willing to take.

What is Father Time's favorite thing to read?

A yearbook

A man walks into his favorite restaurant…

He sits down and orders a medium rare ribeye steak. As he’s eating, he looks up and sees a woman giving him a dirty look. The man assumes the woman is a vegetarian since she is only eating a large bowl of salad and greens.
The man tries to ignore her but after a few uncomfortable minutes he puts...

What’s a necromancer’s favorite workout?

A deadlift!

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My favorite joke

I went to go visit my friend Chuck on his farm out in Greater Minnesota, and he's showing off his barn, crops, and livestock. When we get to the swine corral, there's an enormous boar... with three wooden legs.

So I ask him, "why does that pig have three wooden legs?"

"Well, Steve, tha...

What’s a russian dictators favorite dessert?

Bread Putin

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”

After a short pause, she replies, “No.”

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, ...

My favorite joke I've made up:

I made an Admiral Ackbar grenade recently.

It produces trapnel.

For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa’s favorite joke when I was growing up: “Wanna hear a dirty joke?”

-A man fell in a mud puddle.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.

Edit: thank you for my first silver and gold

Edit 2: I really only expected maybe 1 comment, lol. This really kinda...

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What is a terrorist's favorite sex toy?

A blow-up doll

So I think i found a new favorite Resturaunt:

I stopped by this place after work called "Sunny Hills" and I gotta say, it ain't that bad.

The menu seems to be all soft easily malleable food. But who doesn't love Custard?

The place is full of senior citizens with nary a person under 50 on site, well the waitresses seem to be arou...

What is a orphan's favorite toy?

A boomerang! They know it will always come back.

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Armless Legless girl on the beach

A man is walking on the beach when suddenly he hears someone crying, as he gets closer he discovers that it is an armless and legless woman.

He then asks her:

Man: "Why are you crying?"

Woman: "In my whole life, i've never been kissed."

So the man grabs her and kisses her...

132 is my favorite number

the sum of all 2-digit numbers one can make from 132 results in 132. 132 is the smallest number with that property.

that's cool.

But it's my favorite because the response I give to many people is 132 in binary and I communicate binary using my fingers.

What's an ambulance driver's favorite gaming system?

Wii U.

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant (pre Covid)

Suddenly, a girl walked towards me and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, MURDERER??"

"Seriously Vanessa, it was 20 years ago and your dad had a knife..."

My kindergartner says that her favorite food is the powder at the bottom of the Cheerios bag

I think she’s a cereal killer

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What’s a scarecrows favorite type of porn?

Hard corn

What’s an electrician’s favorite store?

The electrical outlet!

What is a femboy's favorite composer?

Claude Debussy

What is a German bakers favorite game?

Gluten tag

What's a monster's favorite food?

Monsterella sticks, of course!

What's a pregnant woman's favorite clothing brand?

Fruit of the womb!

Since this is the first year that I’ve remembered my cake day, here’s my four year old’s favorite joke. What did one hat say to the other hat?

You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.

What was Beethoven's favorite rock song?

\-

\-

*Bonn to be Wild*

What is Shang-Chi's favorite refreshment?

Awkwafina

My favorite word is “drool.”

It just rolls off my tongue.

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I asked 100 people what they're Favorite shampoo was!

The most common reply was ''How The Fuck Did You Get In Here!?''

My favorite “And that’s when the fight started” joke!

A drunk man comes home to his wife and stands swayingly before her. She sees that his pants are ripped, his legs are bloody and he has bruises on his knuckles. Odd though, everything above his waist seems perfectly fine.

Wife: Oh no… What’s happened to you this time?

Husband: It was no...

There was a man lost his favorite hat.

There was a man lost his favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the vestibule.

When he got there, an usher saw him walk in, and escorted him directly to a pew. The man was too embarrassed to get up right away, so he sat and listened ...

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Can your dick touch your ass?

A son walks into his fathers room to find him eating a bad of potato chips. He kindly asks his father if he could have some.

His father replies “well son, can your dick touch your ass?”

The boy seems puzzled and replies with a simple “no?” and his father explains they’re his and the bo...

What’s your favorite phone?

Mine is the galaxy note 7 that phone was the bomb

What’s a Canadian frogs favorite game to play?

Croak-“Eh”

What is Al-Qaeda's favorite sports team?

The New York Jets

What is Super Mario’s Favorite Type of Clothing?

Denim denim denim

What's a pothead's favorite musical instrument?

bag pipes

What's a British vampires favorite letter?

Bloody L

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