UPJOKE
automobiletrunkcodejoyrideignition systemcryptanalysiskeeloqvalet parkinginfraredchryslersteering wheelmercedes-benzgear sticktransponderresistor

Car Key Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My gf wanted me to fuck her with the car keys.

But I kept fobing her off.

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

Car Keys

After a meeting I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room… it wasn’t there. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is,...

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

A blonde forgot car keys in the car.

A few hours later she was rescued by her husband who got her out of the car.

The same woman lost her car keys.

Her husband comes out and says, "What's wrong?"

She says, "I lost my keys!"

He takes off his trousers, rolls them into a ball and starts rubbing the ignition switch. Magically the vehicle starts up.

"WOW! How did you do that?"

"Honey, these are my cargo pants."

Car Keys

Tom and Barney got out and locked the car in a hurry, forgetting to remove the key from the ignition.

Realizing their mistake, Tom asked, "Why don't we use a coat hanger to open it?"

"No, that won't work," answered Barney. "People will think we're trying to break in."

So Tom sug...

Husband: "Honey, have you seen my car keys?"

Wife: "Here it is, but why don't you ever say our car..., our house..., our company...?"

*Husband starts searching through clothes*

Wife: "Now what the hell are you looking for?"

Husband: "Our undies."

Why did the CEO of Microsoft forget his car keys?

Because his head was in the Cloud.

"Drive that thing like you stole it!"

One Friday night, when I was a teenager getting ready to go out, my Dad handed me the car keys and said, "Have fun, son. And remember. Drive that thing like you stole it!"

Upset, my Mom immediately asked why he would say such a reckless thing to his teenager.

To which my Dad replied, "...

A woman locked her car key in her car, so she asked a passerby for help. The passerby took off his pants, rolled it into a ball and rubbed it on the car door. The car door springs open. Amazed, the woman asked the passerby how did he do it, to which he replied:

"It's simple, these are khaki pants"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife keeps pressing the panic button on her car keys when I kiss her

I really do make her horny

I thought someone stole my car keys, I looked for hours and was convince someone had grabbed them, later on I felt so stupid because I left them on top of my car

Turns out I lost them on my own accord

A french canadian owned a primate as pet. While walking his pet in a mixed neighbourhood, the primate snatched his car key and ran off. The guy shouted for help.

Mon Key!!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An on-duty police officer is staking out a particularly popular bar right before closing time hoping to catch anyone trying to drink & drive

As the patrons start exiting the bar at closing time, he sees one guy who seems particularly drunk.

The cop watches intently as this guy stumbles off the curb, trips over his own feet and tries his car keys on 4 different cars before ultimately finding his own. Once he finally finds his car a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the reformed serial killer that murdered prostitutes by stabbing them with car keys?

He did the ho key pokey then he turned himself around.

Kevin dies and goes to heaven...

He gets in line and sees Saint Peter asking everyone a question before they head past the pearly gates. As he's third in line, he overhears Peter ask the guy in front, "Sir, were you faithful in your married life?". The man looks down and replies, "Well, I did have two affairs". Peter nods and hands...

A blonde wants to travel abroad.

She parks her car in front of a bank near the airport and gets out with her trolleys. She then enters the bank and walks to the next teller.

Blonde: Hello, I want to get a loan for $1000,-

Teller: Very well. But I need a credit security in order to grant you that loan.

Blonde: ...

Walking through the woods a man comes up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.....

Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you
doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree."

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

"Well, OK..." So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man buys a house in a new neighbourhood

The next morning, at 8, the man's neighbour rings his doorbell. The guy wakes up and opens the door, still in half-sleep.

"Hey. Sorry to wake you up, but you parked your car right in front of mine. I can't get mine out, and I am running late for office." The neighbour says.

"Oh, I'm r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A captain calls his assistant, "I've got a job for you but first, go to the toilet and jerk off."

The assistant did so and reported back to the captain.
Captain said, "Good. How do you feel?"
Assistant said, "I feel great sir".
Captain said," Good. Now, go back to the toilet and jerk off once more."
Assistant did so, this time a bit tired, reported back to the captain.

Ca...

A man lived a normal life in a 15-story building with his wife and son

They lived on the 12th floor apartment C. One day he was late for work he kissed Mary and gave Mikey his lunch money. After he got out the elevator he’d realised he forgot his car key so called his wife and said

‘Throw down my key I’m late for work’

A man lived a normal life in a 15-st...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to see a fortune teller

A man goes to see a fortune teller. The teller was renowned for their abilities, but even more so for their strange curios. The man walks into the fortune teller's shop, and immediately sees the teller, and a man curled up on the floor in a pool of his own blood.

"What's with him?"

"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Employee: Sir, you called me? Boss: Yeah, go to the rest room and masturbate.

Employee: (After few mins)... done sir.
Boss: Do it again.
Employee: Done again, sir.
Boss: Do it once more
Employee: Now I don't have stamina for it, sir.
Boss: Very good,here are my car keys, drop my daughter at home.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mercedes for Sale @ $1

Someone put up this advertisement.
No one believed it, but one old man responded and went to see the car.
The Lady actually sold him a Mercedes, which had done just 12,000 kms, for $1.
She handed him the papers and the Car keys. Deal done.

As the old man was leaving, he said "I would...

My wife reminds me everything

My wife reminds me every day before I leave something I forgot and wanted to leave.

Sometimes the car keys, sometimes the watch, sometimes the house keys, sometimes important documents, sometimes my mobile, and it makes me feel old and my memory is weak. So I decided to put a limit on my forg...

A Lawyer Walked Into a Bank to Get a Loan...

...and a bank employee assisted him with the requirements. The employee asked, "How much are you going to borrow, sir?"

"Five thousand dollars," the lawyer said.

"And when do you intend to pay it?" the bank employee asked.

"In 30 days."

"Okay, sir, we have a standard 18% ...

A drunk guy walks up to a cop outside of a bar

Drunk guy: "Officer I seem to have lost my car!"

Officer: "Where did you last have it?"

Drunk guy "It was right here on the end of this key! *holds up car key*"

Officer: Okay, Okay, you should take yourself downtown and they'll get started on all the paperwork. But buddy, you ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.