UPJOKE
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Broke Up Jokes

After I broke up with my short girlfriend, she started a YouTube channel dedicated to trashing me.

I said "well that's a little ex stream"

My girlfriend broke up with me for being too “un-American”.

I saw it coming from a kilometre away.

Hey Siri! My girlfriend broke up with me.

Oh no, I’m so sorry! Do you want a joke to cheer you up?

Sure.

What is the difference between you and a calendar?

What?

The calendar has dates.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I am a compulsive gambler

Ever since, all I can think about is how to win her back

I think my ex girlfriend fell into poverty since we broke up.

Every time I call her, she says, “Please leave me a loan.”

My girlfriend broke up with me because she said I referenced video games too much.

That's such a ridiculous reason to Fallout 4.

My English teacher girlfriend just broke up with me.

She wasn’t happy with my improper use of the colon.

My disabled girlfriend broke up with me a week ago.

So I took away her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back.

I just broke up with my moonshiner girfriend

But I love her still

So after Sonic Youth broke up Thurston Moore was asked did he have any regrets when it came to the band

And he said “Yeah, 100%”

I broke up with my boyfriend because he couldn't get an erection.

There were no hard feelings.

I broke up with a girl once because she was having hallucinations.

She said "Carl, I.. can't see you anymore"... That was weird. I was like- "Babe, I'm standing right here." then she said "No, you don't understand... I'm seeing someone else" which was really bizarre because it was just the two of us in the room. I had to break it off after that.

A girl broke up with me once over food

She didn’t like it when I made certain Hawaiian and Korean foods that I ate growing up.

Now she has me in her phone as “Spam Risk”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend came pissed off at me, saying that it had not even been two days since he broke up and I already had sex with his ex girlfriend

I said: Sorry dude, I didn't know you guys had broken up!!

My girlfriend just broke up with me for sleeping with her Grandmother

Turns out I can't have my Kate and Edith too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I broke up with my girlfriend because she screamed too much during sex

Sometimes I could hear it two blocks away

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I broke up with my girlfriend because of Zodiac signs incompatibility

She is a Pisces, and I don't believe in bullshit.

What did Michael Jackson tell his girlfriend when he broke up with her

It’s not you it’s Mee-Hee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend broke up with me because she wanted to focus more on her work

Turns out she’s a sex worker.

I broke up with my girlfriend via walkie talkie

She didn’t get it, no matter how many times I said it was over.

I was dating this girl, who is crossed eyed. We eventually broke up because we didn’t see eye to eye. But between you and me, I think she was seeing someone on the side.

This legit came out of my VP’s mouth while at work. haha

I dated a blind girl and she broke up with me.

Guess who's back with a different voice

What did Captain Hook say when he broke up with his girlfriend?

"It's not you, it's Smee."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

broke up with my epileptic girlfriend

Now we're both jerking at night

So my brother just broke up with his game console….

She’s now his X-Box!

So i broke up with my blind girlfriend through a Braille message.

She couldn't believe her fingers.

I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.

I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.

Did you hear about the guy whose girlfriend broke up with him because he had a foot fetish?

I guess he got off on the wrong foot

So my girlfriend broke up with me today

She said she wants to work it out with her husband

What did people say when the Beatles broke up?

Ono

I broke up with my girlfriend, who is an Optometrist

She's a great lady, has a lot of my same interests, and is really a kind person. She's just really irritating in bed.

She's always saying, "So do like it better like this... or like this?"

I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.

I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.

I broke up with my ex because she told me she caught crabs

And I get seasick on boats.

My girlfriend broke up with me because of my “lack of vocabulary”…

What’s that even supposed to mean?

(Stolen from my band teacher) I broke up with my console recently,

It’s now my ex-box. It wasn’t anything personal I just wanted a switch.

I broke up with a girl because the red flag she had was just too big for me to ignore

She said she was practicing for Chinese flag bearing but my place is too small for that

my first love just broke up with me…

eh, at least we can still be cousins

My girlfriend and I broke up today

Her: "I just need time."

Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."

Her: "And distance, as well."

Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"

Her: "Go ahead."

Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"

My girlfriend just broke up with me due to my linkin park obsession.

...But in the end, it doesn't even matter.

My girlfriend just admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.

It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.

After only a week of dating, my girlfriend broke up with me because she doesn't like my comparisons...

I feel worst than a turkey sandwich on a yacht.

What do you call a bass player who broke up with his girlfriend

Homeless

I broke up with my girlfriend because she wanted me to cosplay as Lenin

I should've known, there were red flags everywhere.

My girlfriend broke up with me, she said I was bad at communicating.

I didn't know how to respond.

What did the chemist say to his gf when they broke up?

If you were an atom you would have 67 protons

Her: "I just broke up with my boyfriend. "

Me: "Let me know if you need a shoulder to put your legs on!!"

I Broke Up With My Girlfriend, Sara N. Wrap.

She was too clingy.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I refused to share my feelings.

I can’t say I’m surprised.

What did Montenegro’s internet domain say when it broke up from Yugoslavia?

It’s not .yu it’s .me

My girlfriend broke up with me because she says I'm too 'controlling'.

Funny thing is, I don't remember giving her permission to speak.

My ex broke up with me because she said I was too old fashioned

I thought we had good alchemy

My font designer girlfriend broke up with me last night.

I guess I just wasn't her type.

Melinda broke up with Bill through email

The email read as follows:


Bill,



I think it's time for us to see other people and move on from each other.


-M

Sent from my IPhone

I just broke up with my lazy gym buddy.

Didn’t work out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex broke up with me because she said just the sight of me made her constipated.

She was so full of shit.

Bad news. I broke up with Lorraine. She found out I was seeing Clair Lee

The good news is I can see Clair Lee now Lorraine has gone.



EDIT : I've never heard this but I'm getting tanked for it by my friends

But I can see all obstacles in my way.
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind.
It's gonna be a bright (bright)
Bright (bright) suns...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When my girlfriend caught coronavirus I broke up with her.

The only micro-organism she's allowed to have inside of her is my penis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My GF broke up with me over a misunderstanding when we tried a new sexual position

Apparently, her "doggy style" doesn't involve any real dog

Guys, I just broke up an attempted murder...

But to be fair, those crows shouldn't have been gathering in the middle of the road

So my girlfriend and I broke up last year...

I dont want to say she was fat, but it took 9 months for my memory foam matress to forget her

My wheelchair bound girlfriend broke up with me.

I think it was because she couldn’t stand me.

The blind girl broke up with me

She said after what I'd done, she couldn't see us being together anymore.

When Olivia was 24 years old, her parents gave her a kitten for her birthday. The following year, Olivia broke up with her lover, and her lover's two year old tabby cat ended up staying with Olivia.

The following year, the tabby gave birth to six kittens. A year after that, Olivia adopted an orphaned black cat she saw on Facebook. Three years later 2 stray cats moved into her apartment. How many cats does Olivia have by the age of 30?


Enough to stay single forever.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend...

But he kept asking her for another shot.

My girlfriend broke up with me since I made too many bowling jokes.

I guess they just weren't up her alley.


God she's such a pinhead.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept referencing the song One Night in Bangkok for reasons why I didn't want to take a vacation there.

It's just me now and my Thai trope act without Annette.

My girlfriend and I broke up today because she said she didn’t like Indian food.

I told her it was Naan negotiable

NSFW. My girlfriend broke up with me saying she’s “Vagitarian”

Smells fishy to me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend broke up with me because I fucked her twin sister.

It’s not my fault. They’re conjoined at the hip.

I fell in love with a Dentist, she broke up with me.

Now my heart has a cavity no one can fill.

My girlfriend got the coronavirus so I broke up with her. 2 weeks later, she’s seeing a new guy now and apparently he just tested positive. Be careful out there everyone, I guess what they say is true.

Ex gon give it to ya

What did the jam band groupie say when she broke up with her boyfriend?

So long, and thanks for all the phish

I dated a robot for a while, but we broke up.

She was just too high maintenance.

My girlfriend broke up with me and I’ve been having a tough time getting over her. My friend said I should try having a one night stand, and I gotta say, it really helped!

The tissues are much closer to my bed now when I cry myself to sleep!

My girlfriend broke up with me for being too delusional.

But I don't think that I have that problem, right giant cabbage?

I broke up with my girlfriend on the 4th of July...

It was a Declaration of Independence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I broke up with a Japanese girl last week...

It sucked, because I had to drop the bomb twice before she got the message.

My girlfriend broke up with me at our favorite date spot. I was so shocked and heartbroken I got up and immediately stormed out the door.

And that's how I fell off the Ferris wheel.

What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?

I'm so over you!

I think my math teacher just broke up with his girlfriend.

Today in class, he asked us to find his ex, but he wouldn’t tell us why.

When she broke up with me, my ex told me there was only three things wrong with me:

"The way you look, the way you act, and the way you are."

8 women broke up with Alexander of Macedonia

I guess he was Alexander-The-Fine at best.

I once dated two girls called Kate and Edith. Unfortunately Kate found out and told Edith and they both broke up with me!

Moral of the story is you can’t have your Kate and Edith too

My Korean girlfriend broke up with me

I guess she'll never be my Seoul mate.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I don’t last long in bed.

I told her, “If you change your mind, call me. I’ll come right away.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me on the grounds that I'm an "emotionally stunted, unfeeling, uncaring piece of shit".

I don't know how I feel about this.

I broke up with my girlfriend yesterday

**She said:** You'll never find someone like me.

**I said:** That's the point.

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday ..

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.
She said, "I'm sick of it. You actually believe that you're a Transformer. It's stupid. I've had enough and I'm leaving you."
I said, "But, Baby, I can change."
She said, "There you go again!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend broke up with me last week because I “kept ruining sex for her.”

Turns out girls don’t like it when you call their clits “Throbbin’ Hood.”

My tennis player girlfriend broke up with me

I guess love meant nothing to her

My girlfriend and I broke up because of a difference in religious beliefs.

She didn't believe I was God.

Aaron Rodgers breaks silence on why he broke up with Danica Patrick

"I felt like I was being rushed."

A blind girl is shocked when her boyfriend broke up with her

Guess she didn’t see that coming..

Last night I broke up with my girlfriend and she said, “You’ll never find someone like me ever again.”

I thought, “If I didn’t want you, why would I want someone like you.”

So I started cultivating a plant with my ex gf before she broke up with me for this other dude

Oh well, guess it’s his-tree now

A dog broke up with his wife

It was ruff

My girlfriend broke up with me after we did a marathon.

I’m pretty heartbroken, but we had a good run.

What do you call a girl that broke up with her boyfriend because of abuse?

A hit single.

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