UPJOKE
assumeassumptionpresumeimplycosmotheticforeholdhypostatizemiskenconjecturableaddeembemeanobversionaffirmableapagogicsubitize

Assumpt Jokes

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

The first rule of Assumption Club is

...well, we all know what it is, don't we?

People say I make too many assumptions...

Well, I mean, they don't actually say it, but I know they're thinking it.

My wife says I make assumptions too much

But I think she’s just being ignorant

The Problem With Assumption

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way alon...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm sick of the incorrect assumption that us rednecks are always fucking our sisters

Mine hasn't put out in 6 months

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Plan

In the beginning, there was a plan
And then came the assumptions
And the assumptions were without form
And the plan without substance

And the darkness was upon the face of the Workers
And they spoke among themselves saying,
"It is a crock of shit and it sti...

A biologist, an engineer, and a mathematician are watching an empty house.

2 people walk in and a while later, 3 people walk out.
The biologist says: They must have reproduced.
The engineer says: Our assumptions must have been wrong.
The mathematician says: If someone walks into the house, it will be empty again.



(Found this in a comment by Superkin...

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are staying at a hotel

In the middle of the night, the hotel catches fire. The engineer wakes up, sees the fire in his room, turns on every faucet in his room to flood the place. He says to himself, "ok I've put out the fire," and he goes back to bed.

The physicist wakes up and sees the fire. He makes some assumpti...

My wife thinks I'm cheating on her.

It's affair assumption.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[long] A new neighbour

A man was cleaning his garden, when his new neighbour approaches him.

 

Man - Good morning sir.

Neighbour - Good morning. I'm your new neighbour, I just moved in.

Man - Well, nice to meet you! What do you do for a living?

Neighbour - I'm a logical assumpti...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The S’wan (long)

A burly sailor gets brought into an infirmary staffed by a bunch of postulate nuns, girls barely 18 preparing to become full nuns, and of course, run by a few gruff sisters.

Being good Catholics in a small Newfoundland seaside town, such oddities rarely found their way to their front door. T...

I always wear my Stethoscope around my neck

So in an emergency, it teaches people a valuable lesson about assumption

I was at the bar the other night ...

... and overheard three very big ol’ fat women talking at the bar. They all spoke with a heavy brogue accent.

I made an unfortunate assumption that their accents appeared to be Scottish… so I approached and asked, “Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?”

One of them angrily screec...

1950's definitions

A conference is a group of men who individually can do nothing, but as a group can meet and decide that nothing can be done.

A statistician is a man who draws a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion.

A professor is a man whose job it is to ...

Horse walks into a bar...

Horse walks into a bar, the barman says “why the long face”.

The horse looks disappointed, and says “that’s a shame that I come into this bar expecting to relax but instead get treated with disrespect and stereotyped for my looks in the assumption that I don’t have feelings”.

The barma...

How many points does it take to draw a curve?

According to my engineering professor, just one, but you need to list your assumptions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Dad is walking past his teen son's open bedroom door and hears the sounds of masturbation.

Looking inside his assumption is confirmed. "Son, relax, you're not in trouble, you've done nothing wrong." Junior is frozen in shock by his Dad. Dad continues, "You should just save that till after you're married." Dad then walks away and nothing else is said.

Years later, Dad is once ag...

I've started wearing a stethoscope around my neck...

So, if there's a medical emergency I get to teach people a valuable lesson about making assumptions based on someone's appearance.

An archaeologist was in Jerusalem when he discovered a slab of rock with five figures on it: the Star of David, an ox, a shovel, an owl, and a woman.

"This is really fascinating," said the archaeologist. "This tells me a lot about ancient Hebrew culture. The Star of David tells me, of course, that they were a very religious people. The ox tells me that they used domesticated animals, such as oxen, to plow the fields. The shovel tells me that they...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Physicist and an Engineer take turns shooting at a deer.

An engineer, a statistician, and a physicist are out hunting. They spot a buck, and each takes a turn to try and bag it.

The physicist goes first. He pulls out his lab book and quickly calculates the trajectory of the bullet, assuming it is a perfect sphere in a vacuum. The bullet falls 20m s...

A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are standing in front of an empty building they think is empty.

They see two people go in and after several hours, they see three people leave.

The biologist says: "They must have procreated."

the physicist says: "Our initial assumption about the building must have been incorrect."

the mathematician says: "If one more person enters that bui...

So a woman is at a supermarket...

She is loading all her items on the conveyer belt for the chasier to scan.

Her items are; A litre of milk, a carton of eggs, and a head of lettuce.

The cashier looks at her and says, "Are you single?"

The customer, shocked at her assumption says, "Yes, I am. How did you know?"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A student is looking for a university minor...

He finds a professor of assumption...

He asks what it is all about.

The professor asks, "Do you have a dog?"

"Yes, I do"

"So I assume you have a yard for a dog?"

"Yes, in fact"

"I assume you have a house then?"

"Why yes I do!"

"Therefore I assu...

A duck and a laptop go to a bar and, after a while, the bartender asks the duck if he'd like the drinks on his bill

The laptop scolds the bartender for making such an assumption and insists that the drinks be put on his tab

3 men are in line for heaven

So three men are in the line for heaven and there is a new rule. When you approach the gates you have to say how you died and then you get in

So in the line, there are two fully dressed men and then a naked man

The angel says please come up and a dressed man does

The angel sa...

How would the Church of England deal with the statement that "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are in a mental hospital

They are in the same room together, bored shitless they pace up and down the room looking for something to do.

Man 1 says "Oh I know! Why don't we play shop keepers! I'll be the shop keeper and you be the customer."

Man 2 says "that's a great idea."
And so man 1 sits down a desk and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Logical Analyst

A guy's sitting in the pub at the bar and strikes up a conversation with the dude next to him:


"So what do you do for a living then, mate?"

- "I'm a Logical Analyst"

"What does that mean?"

- "Here, let me demonstrate... Do you have any pets?"

"Yeh, we've ...

A priest, an Irishman and a silver ladle

An Irishman named O'Neill had to travel to London for a few days for work. As he didn't know anyone there or knew where to stay he was told by a friend to stay at the house of a priest, Father Jameson.

So the Irishman O'Neill stayed at Father Jameson's house and on the first night at the di...

Three guys were at the gates of Heaven.

God says to each of them, "If you tell me how you died, I'll let you into Heaven."

The First guy looks at God and says, "I live in an eight story apartment building and my apartment in on the seventh floor on the west side of the building. I had left work early because I had an assumption tha...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.