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Anim Jokes

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Dolphins are the only animals besides humans that enjoy having Sex

I had to have sex with a lot of animals to figure that out

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The animal brothel

A little mouse, after a tiring week of work, decides to visit an animal brothel for some entertainment.

The fox madam, upon seeing him arrive, offers, 'If you'd like, there's Sarah the pythoness, a new arrival.'

The mouse accepts and goes to Sarah's room. As soon as she sees him ente...

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

What's the stupidest animal in the jungle?

The Polar bear.

Rumour got round that the bear kept a list of all the animals he plans to kill.

Scared and confused, the wolf went to confront the bear.

"Bear," said wolf. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"

"I do." said the bear.

"And... Is my name on it?" asked the wolf.

"It is." the bear growled. And the following morning, the wol...

Adam gave Sally 3 flowers and 1 stuffed animal. Kristen gave Sally 5 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. What does Sally have?

cancer.

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Why do retired Nazis make good animal doctors?

Because they're all Veteran Aryans.

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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of he men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one ...

Good animal joke

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an...

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A man goes to an animal market

He goes up to a rooster seller and buys a rooster.

The seller hands it to him and says, "Oh, in this business, we call it a cock".

The man takes note and goes to buy a hen from a seller.

The seller hands it to him after paying and tells him "By the way, in this business, we call...

What’s a large grey animal that doesn’t matter?

An irrelephant

All groups of animals have unique names: a gaggle of geese, a pod of whales, a colony of ants… so what do you call a group of Karens?

An HOA

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"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?" "Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"

This guy shows up at a farm and says he knows how to make animals speak

The farmer says, "That's ridiculous."

So the guy walks up to the farmer's cow and says "Moo moo moo."

The cow replies in English, "Oh, thank you for asking. He generally treats me very well. He milks me promptly at 5:30am every morning. If I had one suggestion, I wish he'd change the w...

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Apart from humans, the only animal that enjoys having sex is a dolphin.

I had to shag a LOT of animals to find that out.

What's a vegan's favorite animal?

The high horse.

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The animals in the zoo were talking amongst themselves about the recent drought...

The cows said they hoped it would rain soon as the fields they grazed in were dry and turning brown.

The giraffes said they hoped it rained soon as the leaves on the tops of the trees were sparse.

The monkeys hoped it would rain because the branches of the trees were dry and snappin...

I was kidnapped by mad scientist who experimented on me, replacing my limbs with animal ones.

If I ever see him again I'll tear him apart with my bear hands.

Some people think filling animals with helium is wrong...

I don't judge. Whatever floats your goat.

Animal behaviour

So I saw my crazy neighbor talking to her cat. She was looking at it like she thought it understood.

When I got home I told this story to my dog and we both laughed

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Please tell me your best animal sound joke!

My kid loves animal sound jokes, whats the best you got?

His favourite is: What do cows do on Saturday night? They go to the mooooovies!

My city's hookers are putting on a charity event to support local animal shelters.

They're calling it pound-for-pound!

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...

So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?”

The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

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[NSFW] I was wondering why some people felt sexually attracted to animals, and decided to investigate.

During my research I went down quite a few rabbit holes.

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The woodland animals built themselves a public toilet.

All went well for the first couple of weeks, then one morning as the toilet committee were inspecting the toilet, they found that one of the windows was smashed. They asked all the animals what had happened, and the rabbit said, "Last night the bear was taking a shit, and the toilet was out of paper...

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Mules are amazing animals

but when it comes to doing any work, they always half-ass it

Testing products on animals

Guy: We need to stop testing our products on animals

Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do that all the time.

Guy: Ya. But we make hammers.

Whats the scariest animal in Canada?

A Cari-BOO

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My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he sai...

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How Many Animals Can You Fit In a Pair of Pantyhose?

An Ass, a Pussy, two calves, ten piggies and god knows how many hares! I heard this joke from my aunt in the 70's. Wondered if it was well known.

After the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply!"...

The ark quickly emptied, except for two small snakes, who stayed behind.


When Noah asked them why, they replied, "We can't multiply. We're adders."


Noah, being the resourceful man he was, immediately got busy cutting down trees and building a large table with the unfinished...

[OC] What animal never tells the truth?

A lion

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Several of Hitlers Generals disappeared after the war, and became animal doctors.

Because they were Veteran Aryans.

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

I called Animal Welfare today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing four kittens."

“That's terrible," she replied, "We’re they moving?”

“I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "but if they were that would explain the suitcase.”

What's the only animal unaffected by climate change?

Egyptian Crocodiles.


Because they live in the Nile.

“I work with animals,” the man says to his date. “That’s so sweet,” she replies.

“I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?”

“I’m a butcher,” he says.

Some animals are more equal than others..

One day, a horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking.

He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the m...

After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.

After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about.

"Why have you not multiplied?" he asked.

To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders."


Noah being ...

If animal organs were compatible with humans...

Your dog would offer you his kidney even if he only had one that worked.

Your cat would show up one morning with 37 kidneys in a sack and tell you to pick one.

Little Johnny is in second grade. They’re learning about different animals

The teacher asks Suzie, “Suzie, what do chickens give you?”

Suzie answers, “eggs!”

Teacher says, “very good Suzie. And Mark, what do pigs give you?”

Mark says, “bacon!”

Teacher goes, “excellent, Mark! Johnny, what do cows give you?”

Johnnie answers, “usually homewo...

Anyone heard of an anime exorcism?

It's when the child tells the priest to get out of the demon's body.

My wife said all I do is make stupid animal jokes

She’s free to see otter people

People who drug their farm animals

should get off their high horse.

Why are squids the funniest animals?

...because of their ten-tickles

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Animal game

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?" Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the tea...

Netflix’s new live-action anime adaption “One Piece” bombs despite majority positive reviews from critics and audiences

The studio blames their poor numbers off the series glorifying piracy.

You know why chickens are considered filthy animals?

Because they eat with their peckers.

What animal can you never hear coming?

An opossum, the "O" is silent.

I dated a hindu girl who would eat chicken or goat but not beef. She said it was a sacred animal.

I didn't get it, i was raised catholic. Our god tastes like cardboard and we still eat him.

Nike once did animal testing on their shoes

None of them fit.

What is a trigonometry teacher's favorite animal?

A Hippopotenuse.

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

What animal swears the mos

The hippopottymouth

All the animals in the forest decided to be eco-friendly...

...and they built a public restroom. Then one day, the window of the restroom was broken. So all the animals got together in a public meeting. The wise owl who chaired the meeting asked who broke it. The little bunny raised his hand, and explained: "You see, I was sitting on the toilet, when from th...

Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?

They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.

What do you call a line at an anime convention?

A queuwu

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What's the worst animal to play cards with?

A cheetah.

Because it'll rip your fucking face off.

Noah lets all the animals off the ark and tells them, "Go forth, and multiply."

Noah lets all the animals off the ark and tells them, "Go forth, and multiply."

A year later, he goes around to all the animals to see how they're doing. The horses have foals, the wolves have pups, the lions have cubs...everything looks good. But then he gets to a couple of snakes, and they ...

My wife and I were discussing people owning weird animals...

and she said, "I've always wanted to get a manatee." I said, "That's very kind of you. I will take it with two sugars."

What is Tiger Woods’ spirit animal?

Idk, but his wife said he was a Cheetah

It’s amazing how many animals you can see while looking at clouds in the sky…

I mean, 99% of them are just sheep without legs or heads, but it’s amazing isn’t it?!!

What animal has exactly 12 grams of carbon?

A mole

Go to the animal shelter for a dog and you're a Saint.

Go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind.

What’s the worst profession to sleep with your patient?

Animal taxidermist

What animal loves and hates the Arctic?

The Bi-polar Bear

God asked Adam to name the animals

Adam began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig…”

Then God said, “You must name the sea animals, too”

Adam was tired already, so he said, “Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.

The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: a joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and i...

What's the difference between a stud animal and a Nigerian prince?

One rides a bunch of females, the other writes a bunch of emails

I love animals.

They taste delicious.

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PETA claims that their ads have significantly reduced animal abuse...

But seeing those nude models in billboards and magazines spread have only made me beat my monkey harder

What do you call someone who is desperate for some lovin' from somebody dressed as an animal?

Furrsty.

Where do animals go when their tails fall off?

Retail store. I know I'm lame.

A man was walking through the desert and passed a group of vultures feasting on a dead animal.

The vultures stopped eating and looked at him, obviously disturbed.

The man casually commented "Carrion."

Why do ducks hate going to social events with other animals?

They always end up getting stuck with the bill.

My ex told me her spiritual animal was the tiger...

but it turned out it was the cheetah.

How do cute animals like their meat?

r/aww

What kind of animal makes the best shrinks?

Owls. They genuinely give a hoot.

They can no longer count animals in Afghanistan

Because there is a tally-ban

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An Englishman asked a Frenchman his favorite animal.

The Frenchman forgot the word in English and said, "My favorite animal is a phoque!"

The Englishman said, "Wait, you said your favorite animal is a fuck?"

"No, silly! A *phoque*!"

"Yeah, a fuck. I get it! But that's not an animal."

"No, a phoque! Especially the ones that...

What do you get when you mix human DNA with animal DNA?

Kicked out of the zoo.

I keep thinking I'm an energy producing organelle found in animals.

I'm a mitochondriac.

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What animal is this?

The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, “What animal is this?”

 “A cat!” said Lizy.

 “Good job. Now, what’s this animal?”

 “A dog!” said Ricky.

 
“Good. Now what animal is this?” she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

 
The class fell silent. Af...

Snakes are the fastest growing animals, said a kid to his father.

The father: how did you know ?

The kid: my old brother killed a 40-inch-long snake, and everytime he tells the story the snake's length increases by 20 inches.

I really love animals.

Unfortunately, I’m no longer allowed within 500 feet of a petting zoo… or a taxidermist.

A man meets his Tinder date at a carnival.

"There's so many games!" he said, "What do you wanna do?"

"I wanna get weighed." she says, shyly looking at the ground.

They go to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins a stuffed animal.

"What next?" he asks.

"I wanna get weighed." she says, confidently looking at him....

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An old man decides he wants to meet his grandson before he dies

He lives in the wilderness like a hermit so he hardly ever meets anyone. So he invites his young grandson over to mark one item off his bucket list. His grandson arrives and notices his grandfather is scarred all over and missing some of his limbs, most noticeably one of his hands.


"Ho...

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Hitler's favourite animal?

Adolfin.

a Scottish man walks into a bar in canada

He noticed there is an animal's head hanging on the wall and asked the bartender what is it

"A moose" replied the bartender

"Jesus christ! How big are the cats here?" Said the scot

I saw a truck with a bumper sticker that said, “I’m a vet so I drive like an animal…

I then realized how many proctologists there are on the road.

A man goes to a zoo, but the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.

The animals were bored.

Finally the lion had an idea. He tells the other animals how he's seen the humans play a game called American football. He proceeded to tell them how it's played and explained its rules. This got them excited.

They chose their teams and went out to an open field. The lion's team received, and...

There was a man named peta who was reading a book called "Animals"

He didn't like it so he put it down

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Three shelves of stuffed animals

A man and a woman meet at a singles' bar, and they quickly hit it off and decide to go back to her place. They immediately head for the bedroom.

Once in the bedroom, the man notices something peculiar: on the wall are three shelves full of stuffed animals: huge ones on the top shelf, regular-...

Girls say I'm an animal in bed.

More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours in a row.

Did you hear about a saint who trains animals?

He taught his dog to heal

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A Hollywood producer needs a farm animal...

One day, a farmer was tending to his crops when a Hollywood producer turned up.

"How can I help you?" asked the farmer

"I'm shooting a film nearby and we need an animal for the main action scene, I heard there was a farm here and came to check it out" the producer replied

Excit...

A Teacher wants to do a little Quiz with her Students.

Teacher:"Guess what this is, which animal has a Beak and Feathers?"

Random Student:"A Duck!"

Teacher:"Thats right, but it could also be a Goose.
Next question, which animal has Claws and Fur?"

Random Student:"A Dog!"

Teacher:"Thats right, but it could also be a Cat."...

French Navy can defeat any anime villain

They can just use the Power of French Ship

What marine animal wears a red jacket and a sequined glove on its flipper?

Thriller Whale!

The lion is celebrating a party. All animals are invited, only the hamster is not.

The hamster does not want to miss the party and asks the rabbit: "Hey, rabbit, can´t you smuggle me in behind your big ears to the lion's party?" The rabbit´answers, "Nope, I'm not tired of life, if the lion noticed that, it would be my end."

The hamster then asks the fox: "Listen, fox, can´t...

If I could be an animal for one day

I think I'd choose a Thursday.

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-Sir, there are people protesting our products outside because of our animal testing.

-I'm tired of all this hypocrisy …big pharma and cosmetics test their products on animals all the time…
-Yes sir, but we make dildos.

What's Donald Trump's spirit animal?

The wall-rus.

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Work with animals!

She (who's a vet): I work with animals!

Me: Yeah me too, my boss is a bitch and my co-workers are asses!

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Animals built an outhouse

Forest animals decided, that they don't like stepping on crap every day, so they got together and built an outhouse.

Everything was great and forest floor was much cleaner after that. But one day, they found out, that window on the outhouse was broken. So they held a meeting, where they were ...

A shepherd is tending his flock in a remote pasture…

…when suddenly a shiny red BMW appears. The driver is a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes and Polarized sunglasses.

He sticks his head out the window and asks the shepherd, "Hey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd l...

My wife and I were talking about obscure animals.

She said, "I want to get a manatee."


"That's very generous," I replied, "no cream, no sugar please hun!"

The bull gets dishonorably discharged from the Animal Military.

He acted cow-ardly on the field of battle.

I knew my grandmother loved animals when she was younger.

She told me the story of how happy she was to have found a vet to date (Before she met my granddad of course. ) and even though he said he was from a foreign country, he looked like he was from here.

Anyway, after a few dates, she discovered, much to her disappointment, that he didn’t know an...

What animal was Osama bin-Laden afraid of?

SEALs

My neighbor got a diagnosis from a psychiatrist and decided to get an Emotional Support Animal.

His choice? A skunk. His diagnosis? Sociopath.

Animal rights activism

I've been getting into activism for animal rights. Always making sure to buy from companies that test on animals because I really appreciate those companies going outta their way to hire and give animals jobs

What's a Robots favorite animal?

A cowculator.

From my 7 year old.

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After God made all the animals

He went to Adam and Eve he told them

" I have two leftover traits that I think you should have it, first I have the ability to urinate while standing

Adam, interrupting god said: " please let me have it, it will go very well with my member, this is made for man, please God please pleas...

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Bedroom animals

A pair of newlyweds are out for drinks with a middle-aged couple who have been married for twenty years.
Having knocked back a few, the older husband turns to the newlyweds and remarks with a wink: "I bet you two are like a couple of rabbits in the bedroom."
The newlyweds laugh awkwardly at t...

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A man asks a farmer if he can work for a night's lodging and a meal.

Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while. The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.

"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.

"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals....

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Dung Beetles are one of the toughest animals in the world.

They go through so much shit.

I am disgusted by people who poach rare animals.

They are much better grilled.

Which animal is the least trustworthy?

Cheetahs

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A professor sits with a farmer on a train.

Bored, the professor says to the farmer: "I ask you a question, if you can't answer it, you give me $5; then you ask me a question, if I can't answer it, I give you $500, what do you think?" The farmer nods. The professor asks the farmer: "What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon?" The fa...

After the Flood, Noah commanded the animals...

"Go forth! Be fruitful! Multiply!"

And so, the animals did go forth from Mt. Ararat, and behold they were fruitful and did multiply as Noah had commanded. But Noah saw that two snakes had remained with the ark.

"Serpents! Why has thou not done as I have commanded, and gone forth to mul...

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I told the genie I wished all animals loved me.

It was a fucking wild experience.

A zookeeper wishes to buy some new animals from another wildlife park.

She writes:

Dear sir, We are a recently opened zoo and are looking to purchase 2 mooses. "No that doesn't sound right." She thinks.

We are looking to purchase 2 meese. "No that can't be right either."

Dear sir, I wish to inquire about purchasing a moose. Kind Regards.

P.S...

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