UPJOKE

What Do You Call Jokes

What do you call Andrew Tate in a Romanian prison?

In-cell

EDIT: I don't have time to reply to all the great comments here but THANK YOU ALL for the lols! Seriously, laughed out loud at a bunch of these, I'm rolling!

EDIT EDIT: Thanks as well to the kind Redditor who referred me to the suicide helpline over this. I'm fine, but clearly ...

What do you call a belt made out of lobsters?

A waist of good seafood

I know it’s bad but I heard it in a dream and had to share

What do you call a Magician that looses his magic?

Ian

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a man who's lost 95% of his brain capacity?

Horny.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a man with a knife in each leg?

You call him a fucking ambulance!!

What do you call someone who speaks three languages? Trilingual. What do you call someone who speaks two languages? Bilingual. What do you call someone who speaks one language?

American

What do you call an IQ of 160 in the marines?

A Platoon.

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig

What do you call a Jewish rapper?

Doctor Dreidel

One sinking sub is called The Titan, what do you call a fleet of sinking subs?

Reddit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a guy with a small dick?

Just-in!

What do you call a Muslim bodybuilder?

A muscleman

What do you call a fake Sudanese person?

… a *pseudonese*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a boner at a funeral?

Mourning wood.

What do you call a hot babe you met at a party that's blackout drunk?

An Uber

[NSFW] What do you call a gamer with erectile dysfunction?

Ubisoft

What do you call a man who gives students money?

Grant

What do you call a Muslim flying a plane?

The pilot you frickin' racist!

What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cockpit when the pilots are female?

The box office.

What do you call a communist sniper?

A marxman.

What do you call an Arab who has been injured in a bombing?

An ambulance, you racist!

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear

My 8 year old daughter told me this joke

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a masturbating Vegan?

A WeedWhacker (sorry if it’s awful first time on this sub)

What do you call J.K. Rowling in space?

AstroTERF

What do you call a politician with half a brain?

Gifted.

What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A civil serpent.

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?

A father in law

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey ladies, what do you call a guy that doesn’t eat pussy?

You don't.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a nun on a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?

Rick O’Shea

What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Yo momma.

What do you call a Mexican guy who's car broke down?

Joaquin

what do you call a guy with 15 and a half rabbits up his bum?

Kyle. My names Kyle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] What do you call a haunted pair of breasts?

BoOoOoOoOobs

What do you call a dragon without its silver?

Dr\_ \_on

It's a stupid science joke that lives in my head rent free.

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant (with twins)

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin’ catholic

What do you call a hippies' wife?

Mississippi

What do you call an army of babies?

An infantry

What do you call a disease with many followers?

Influenza.

What do you call a waffle on a California beach?

A Sandy Eggo.
- Compliments of my cousin's 6 year old daughter (She says "Hi" by the way).

-EDIT: Wow, this blew up a lot more than I thought it would. My first gold and my first post to make it to the front page. You are too kind, Reddit.

What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?

Unemployed

What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line.

What do you call someone with both Type 1 and Type 2 Diabetes

Ambidextrose

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

What do you call a witch that only eats sand?

malnourished

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?

Vector quantitties

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a penis that disappears?

A Magic Johnson.

What do you call an emo a capella group?

Self Harmony

What do you call immigrants to Sweden?

Artificial Swedeners

What do you call a joke with only two upvotes?

Original material.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a virgin who lives in Alabama?

An orphan

What do you call fifty guys watching the Super Bowl?

The Detroit Lions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call perspiration from sex in Alabama?

Relative humidity.

What do you call a musician with no girlfriend?

Homeless

What do you call a cow that's stopped producing milk?

An udder failure.

What do you call an emo with a flat chest?

a cutting board

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who's sexually attracted to trees?

A leaf blower.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call 5 black people having sex?

A threesome

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call sex with an immigrant?

Foreignercation

Foreigner-cation, for those not seeing it. Props to ImMrSneezyAchoo.

What do you call DJT being indicted?

Unpresidented

What do you call a boat full of polite football players?

A good sportsman ship



I'm sorry

What do you call crystal clear urine?

1080pee

What do you call a comedian in China?

Dead.

What do you call two old men drooling in their wheelchairs?

The 2028 election.

What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?

2 kilomockingbirds

What do you call a person who saw an apple store getting robed?

An iWitness.

What do you call a Bee hive with no exits?

Unbelievable.

What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Prostitute that only gives hand jobs?

Jack off all trades

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is at all times?

A widow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the sexuality where you're attracted to men and women but neither are attracted to you?

Bi-yourself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, on the floor?

Mat.


What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, in the ocean?

Bob.


What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, in the desert?

Fucked.

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call sweaty boobs?

Humidititties

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a butt plug being used by a guy?

A manhole cover

What do you call a thief who keeps the things he stole on public display?

British

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call 6.02*10^23 butts?

Molasses

what do you call a security guard at a Samsung store

"A guardian of the galaxys"

my 11yo told me this one yesterday, and i thought it needed to be shared with the world 🤣

What do you call friends you like to eat with?

Tastebuds

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a group of people masturbates together?

Massturbation

What do you call something you can serve but can't eat?

A volleyball.

What do you call a beauty pageant for still-borns?

Little Miss Carriage

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for years?

Church

What do you call a 25 cent hooker?

A quarter pounder.

What do you call a group of people with something in common, but hate each other?

drivers

What do you call a dog that floats?

A good bouy

What do you call a Scottish man who’s lost his dog?

Douglas

What do you call a fat psychic?

A four chin teller.

What do you call a person who's an expert in American culture and politics?

A European Redditor.

What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who runs out of protein?

No Whey José.

What do you call Bob the Builder when he retires?

Bob.

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off.

What do you call a hot chick in Boston?

A tourist

What do you call a Russian with Covid?

Kalashnicough

Courtesy of my 6yo daughter: What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth?

A Flossiraptor

What do you call a group of deaf people?

I don’t know. But it is definitely not herd.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philippe Philoppe.

What do you call someone who gets turned on by every naked person they see ?

A showerhead

What do you call a french man wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillop

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call Harley Quinn's genitals?

Insane Clown Pussy

What do you call a bunch of employees caught sleeping on the job?

A Dream Team.

What do you call it when a sixty year old man suddenly starts reading the Bible?

Cramming for finals.

What do you call a heavy metal band With financial problems?

Megadebt

What do you call a sad cup of coffee?

Depresso..

What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?

Laughing stock.

What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?

A waist of time.

What do you call the cleavage between breast implants?

Silicon Valley

What do you call the combination of Tesla, SpaceX, and The Boring Company?

3Musketeers

What do you call a fake Mongolian?

A Khan artist!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a homosexual Russian knight?

Sergei

What do you call batman when he skips church?

Christian Bale

What do you call a blonde who's dyed her hair brunette?

Artificial intelligence

What do you call bread from India?

It's Naan of your business.

What do you call people who believe in Satan?

Christians

What do you call an Irish gunslinger who can kill 5 men with 1 bullet?

Rick O'shea

What do you call an American in the world cup final.

Ref

What do you call a policeman in bed?

An undercover cop

What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?

A PDF file

What do you call doctors who graduated online?

Google Docs

What do you call an alcoholic bodybuilder?

Jacked Daniels

What do you call a wolf that is woke?

Awarewolf



(credit goes to my GF, who's apparently practicing her dad humor. *sigh* please, don't wreck my karma)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what do you call a boat carrying penis shaped potatoes?

A dictatorship

What do you call a pod of singing killer whales?

An orcapella group

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a potato that looks like a penis?

A dictator.


What do you call a regular looking potato?

A commentator.


There are two potatoes standing on the side of the road, how do you tell which one is the hooker?

The one that says Idaho on it.

What do you call a priest who always lies?

A pathological friar.

What do you call a bunch of snakes in a suit?

No, seriously... I'm new at this job and I don't know how to address an email to the CEO.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when you sit on a French baguette?

A pain in the ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call boobs that everyone is allowed to touch?

Communititties

What do you call a cross dressing dinosaur?

A Try Sarah’s tops

What do you call your co-workers in a boring and depressing workplace?

Melancolleague(s)

What do you call a lizard that doesn’t work?

A reptile dysfunction

What do you call an orgy with 8 women?

Octopus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a black man that's just been hit by a bus?

An ambulance you racist.

What do you call a tire made out of 365 recycled condoms?

A Goodyear

What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?

Lesbionage

What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

What do you call a group of people smoking weed?

A Joint Coalition

What do you call a fight between an immigrant an a priest?

Alien vs. predator.

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