UPJOKE

What Do Jokes

What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?

Don't let him drive that cargo freighter,

don't let him steer that cargo freighter,

don't let him near that cargo freighter,

early in the morning.

What do you call someone who speaks three languages? Trilingual. What do you call someone who speaks two languages? Bilingual. What do you call someone who speaks one language?

American

What do you call Andrew Tate in a Romanian prison?

In-cell

EDIT: I don't have time to reply to all the great comments here but THANK YOU ALL for the lols! Seriously, laughed out loud at a bunch of these, I'm rolling!

EDIT EDIT: Thanks as well to the kind Redditor who referred me to the suicide helpline over this. I'm fine, but clearly ...

What do you call an IQ of 160 in the marines?

A Platoon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do woman call men with huge cocks?

I knew you had to click to check

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a man who's lost 95% of his brain capacity?

Horny.

What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism?

No more jokes about the profit.

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig

What do you call a Jewish rapper?

Doctor Dreidel

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?

You pull the pin and throw it back!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a guy with a small dick?

Just-in!

What do libertarians and house cats have in common?

They both act like they are independent and self sufficient but in reality are utterly dependent on a system they can neither appreciate nor understand.

What do French people call a really bad Thursday?

A trajeudi

What do we want?

Low flying airplane noises!

When do we want them?

NNEEEEOOOOWWWWW

What do Mexico and Canada have in common?

They both border on stupidity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do pirates call prostitutes

Land-Hoe!

What do you call a Muslim bodybuilder?

A muscleman

What do you call a fake Sudanese person?

… a *pseudonese*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a boner at a funeral?

Mourning wood.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do tofu and a dildo have in common?

They’re both meat substitutes

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear

My 8 year old daughter told me this joke

What do hillbillies do on Halloween?

Pumpkin

One sinking sub is called The Titan, what do you call a fleet of sinking subs?

Reddit.

What do you call a belt made out of lobsters?

A waist of good seafood

I know it’s bad but I heard it in a dream and had to share

The cop asked, "Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?"

The miner replied, "Mine."

[NSFW] What do you call a gamer with erectile dysfunction?

Ubisoft

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Tetris and sex have in common?

There’s no winning, it’s just about how long you last


Edit: stop saying I obviously don’t have sex. We’re on reddit. Isn’t that obvious by now?
Also ty to all the absolutely hilarious comment, y’all have made my day

What do I know about bonsai trees?

Very little. (Edit: wow! Silver, gold, and platinum! Thanks, anonymous Redditor(s). And six (6!) upvotes!)

What do you call a man who gives students money?

Grant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a man with a knife in each leg?

You call him a fucking ambulance!!

What do you call a Muslim flying a plane?

The pilot you frickin' racist!

With Twitter being re-branded to “X” What do we call tweets after the change?

Excretions

What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison.

What do women and pools have in common?

They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the amount of time you’re inside of them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cockpit when the pilots are female?

The box office.

WHAT DO WE WANT?!?!!

WHAT DO WE WANT?!?!?

LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT ‘EM?!?!?

*NEEEEEYYYYOOOOOOOOWWWW*

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Same middle name

What do you call a communist sniper?

A marxman.

what do Germans call an overweight person?

Gross

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a masturbating Vegan?

A WeedWhacker (sorry if it’s awful first time on this sub)

What do you get when you spell “man” backwards?

Flashbacks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do legos and boobs have in common?

They are both made for kids but daddies usually play with them.

What do women say to guys with big wieners?

Figured you wouldn’t know.

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.



You were expecting a joke about pi? On my cake day?

What do you think is history's SHORTEST joke? My submission is Miss Piggy's 2 worder :

"Pretentious? ...*MOI ?"*

What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?

Cracking open a cold one.

What do you call J.K. Rowling in space?

AstroTERF

What do you call a hot babe you met at a party that's blackout drunk?

An Uber

What do you call a politician with half a brain?

Gifted.

What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A civil serpent.

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?

A father in law

What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe

Kilometery Cyrus

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Hey ladies, what do you call a guy that doesn’t eat pussy?

You don't.

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What do you call a nun on a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

What do adult cam models and anti-vaxxers have in common?

Both always end up lying in bed deep-throating a plastic tube.

What do you call a Magician that looses his magic?

Ian

What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?

Rick O’Shea

What do you call an Arab who has been injured in a bombing?

An ambulance, you racist!

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

You get kicked out of sea world…

6 yr old son made this up. What do exploding pandas eat?

BAMBOOM!

What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?

Diabetes.

What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day?

^btw ^I ^waited ^1 ^whole ^year ^to ^tell ^this ^joke

What do you get when you spell "man" backwards?

Flashbacks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Hitler and EA have in common?

*You are missing the Punchline Pack. Please purchase the Reddit Season Pass to reveal missing content*

What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Yo momma.

What do you call a Mexican guy who's car broke down?

Joaquin

what do you call a guy with 15 and a half rabbits up his bum?

Kyle. My names Kyle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] What do you call a haunted pair of breasts?

BoOoOoOoOobs

What do you call a dragon without its silver?

Dr\_ \_on

It's a stupid science joke that lives in my head rent free.

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant (with twins)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you feed a woman to stop her from giving blowjobs?

Wedding cake

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin’ catholic

What do Jeffrey Epstein and Halloween decorations having common?

They don’t hang themselves.

Happy Halloween

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

Banned from Seaworld



Cake day so time to Karma Farm, and I can't see this joke posted

What do the English do immediately after winning the FIFA World Cup?

Turn off the Playstation.

What do you call a hippies' wife?

Mississippi

What do panties and nail polish have in common?

With a little alcohol they both come off

What do you call an army of babies?

An infantry

What do you get when you mix holy water with laxatives?

A religious movement.

What do you call a disease with many followers?

Influenza.

What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?

Unemployed

What do you call a waffle on a California beach?

A Sandy Eggo.
- Compliments of my cousin's 6 year old daughter (She says "Hi" by the way).

-EDIT: Wow, this blew up a lot more than I thought it would. My first gold and my first post to make it to the front page. You are too kind, Reddit.

What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Donald Trump and his father have in common?

They both have shitty judgment when it comes to pulling out.

What do you call an emo a capella group?

Self Harmony

What do you use when you haven't got a condom?

A fake name.

What do you call someone with both Type 1 and Type 2 Diabetes

Ambidextrose

What do all these Leonardo DiCaprio jokes have in common?

They’re all so childish..

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

What do you call a witch that only eats sand?

malnourished

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?

Vector quantitties

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a penis that disappears?

A Magic Johnson.

What do you call immigrants to Sweden?

Artificial Swedeners

What do you call a thief who keeps the things he stole on public display?

British

What do you call a joke with only two upvotes?

Original material.

What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast.

I'll see myself out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a virgin who lives in Alabama?

An orphan

What do you call fifty guys watching the Super Bowl?

The Detroit Lions.

What do you get, when you cross an Eldritch Horror, with an E-Girl?

CthUwU.

What do Donald Trump and a pumpkin have in common?

They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be tossed out in early November.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call perspiration from sex in Alabama?

Relative humidity.

What do "I'm pregnant", "we're pregnant" and "she's pregnant" have in common?

They all have *contractions*.

What do you call a musician with no girlfriend?

Homeless

What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus?

An immediate cessation of funding and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee

What do prime numbers and stoners have in common?

The higher they are, the more spaced out they get

If men call short women petite. What do women call short men?

Friends.

What do you call a cow that's stopped producing milk?

An udder failure.

What do you call an emo with a flat chest?

a cutting board

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who's sexually attracted to trees?

A leaf blower.

What do Donald Trump & the iPhone 7 have in common?

They both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call 5 black people having sex?

A threesome

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call sex with an immigrant?

Foreignercation

Foreigner-cation, for those not seeing it. Props to ImMrSneezyAchoo.

What do you call DJT being indicted?

Unpresidented

What do you call crystal clear urine?

1080pee

What do you call a boat full of polite football players?

A good sportsman ship



I'm sorry

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get if you cross a pirate and a paedophile?

Arrr Kelly!

What do rich people ride to the emergency room?

An ambulance

What do you get when you try to crossbreed a human and a moose?

Arrested apparently

What do you get for winning a muscle loss competition?

Atrophy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife was cleaning their 12-year-old son’s bedroom. When she found a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags, she asked her husband, “what do we do?”

The husband said, “I’m no expert, but I wouldn’t fucking spank him.”

What do you call a comedian in China?

Dead.

What do Putin, Batman and Will Smith have in common?

They all attacked a comedian

What do you get when you cross elephant DNA with Human DNA?

A lifetime ban from the zoo.

What do you call two old men drooling in their wheelchairs?

The 2028 election.

What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?

2 kilomockingbirds

What do they call the Hunger Games in France?

Battle Royale with Cheese.

What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people.

3 guys are on a boat and they have 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. What do they do?

They throw one cigarette off the boat and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

What do you get when you combine human DNA with seal DNA?

You get banned from SeaWorld.

What do you call a person who saw an apple store getting robed?

An iWitness.

What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins

What do you call a Bee hive with no exits?

Unbelievable.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Prostitute that only gives hand jobs?

Jack off all trades

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is at all times?

A widow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, on the floor?

Mat.


What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, in the ocean?

Bob.


What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, in the desert?

Fucked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call sweaty boobs?

Humidititties

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a butt plug being used by a guy?

A manhole cover

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call 6.02*10^23 butts?

Molasses

what do you call a security guard at a Samsung store

"A guardian of the galaxys"

my 11yo told me this one yesterday, and i thought it needed to be shared with the world 🤣

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do giants and strippers have in common?

They both grind bones to make their bread.

What do British nuclear engineers eat?

Fission chips.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a group of people masturbates together?

Massturbation

What do you call a beauty pageant for still-borns?

Little Miss Carriage

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q. What do boobs and Legos have in common?

A. They were both intended for babies but adults also enjoy them.

What do baking and BDSM have in common?

They both involve lots of beating and whipping

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for years?

Church

What do you call a 25 cent hooker?

A quarter pounder.

What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?...

Their knees.

(Not sure if this one translates well to english)

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