UPJOKE

So I Went To The Doctor Jokes

So I went to the doctor yesterday...

And told him that my bottom hurts.

Doctor: Where does it exactly hurt?

Me: Right around the entrance, it’s really sore

Doctor: My advice is that for as long as you call it the entrance, it’ll hurt.

I wasn’t feeling so good and so I went to the doctors

I told the doctor that I haven’t been feeling so well lately.

The doctor proceeded to ask me questions and do some tests.

He came to the conclusion that I was not getting enough exercise and therefore advised me to do so.

So, based on the doctors advice, for the next month, i...

So I went to the doctors the other day,

And when I arrived they said - “Tom, you are overweight, you drink too much and smoke too much”

I said “thanks, but when am I seeing the doctor”

What a friendly receptionist

So I went to the doctor to get a valve transplant,

Unfortunately he said I would only have 6 months to live, but I said, doc! I won't have time to pay the bill, so he gave me another 6 months.

So i went to the doctor the other day for a blood donation,

But they kept asking so many questions, like:
"Who's blood is this?"
and "Where did you get it?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I went to the doctor's yesterday to get my physical...

So I went to the doctor's yesterday to get my physical, and my doctor said that I have stop masturbating. Obviously devastated, I asked my doctor why I needed to stop masturbating. He replied., "Because I'm trying to give you your fucking physical!"

I felt a bit sick yesterday, so I went to the doctor.

Doctor: Given your symptoms, you have Tom Jones disease.

Me: Is that rare?

Doctor: "It's not unusual".

So I went to the Doctor's office, and he said I have Hypochondria

I thought, "Not that as well"

I was feeling a bit down so I went to the doctors.

Thankfully it was just a scare. I still have 46 chromosomes.

I was having stomach problems the other day so I went to the doctor for my diarrhea.

He gave me a blind fold and told me to wait 20 and that I would be fine and it worked.

Now I have gonorrhea

So I went to the doctor to check on my exams.

He asked me:
- What’s you sign?

Me:
- Cancer

Doctor:
- Now that’s a coincidence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So i went to the doctor...

and i asked him for birth control for my 11 year old. The doctor said "Wow! Your 11 year old is already sexually active?" And i said "not really, she just lays there and cries most of the time..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I Went to the doctor

And he told me to quit masturbating.
I said "whys that?"
He said "Because you're in my office"

Been having trouble with my eyes recently, so I went to the doctors yesterday. Unfortunately, he told me I lost 20% of my sight...

Sigh...

Last week I got a vibrator stuck inside of me so I went to the doctors...

...this morning when the batteries went flat

So I went to the doctor's yesterday, and he said he had good news and bad news

I asked him to give me the bad news first. He tells me I've got a rare medical condition that is known to kill the victim incredibly quickly, and says that I have a 100% chance of death very soon. I then asked him what the bad news was.

I had bad diarrhea so I went to the doctor; they gave me some pills and said I should take one after each 'episode.'

Unfortunately all the episodes are re-runs.

My eyes have been bugging me recently, so I went to the doctor. He told me I have ocular herpes.

Apparently I've been looking for love in all the wrong places.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I didn't feel right so I went to the doctor. He only takes one look at me and says, "Well son, I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "Why?" I asked.

"So I can examine you."

Doctor Doctor

Ok so a Tommy Cooper joke that has kept me chuckling all day.

So I went to the Doctor’s yesterday. He said, “What appears to be the problem?” I said, “I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away.” I see says the doctor I am not...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went to the doctor

So I went to the doctor and he was needed to write me a prescription. He reached into his pocket to pull out a pen..Instead he pulls out a rectal thermometer..

The doctor then yells "Damn, some asshole's got my pen!"

I had really bad acid reflux

So I went to the doctor and it was not a big deal but they were able to find early onset cancer. Thank GERD they were able to catch it before it got much worse!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having trouble sleeping..

I've been having trouble sleeping, not getting good sleep, etc, so I went to the doctor and told them I've been having trouble in the bedroom. We chatted for a few minutes without getting into anything specifIc, he was being kind of vague for some reason. Anyway, he gave me a script for some pills a...

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