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Schumer Jokes

Two cannibals were eating Amy Schumer.

One says, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

The other one goes, 'No'.

When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian...

Nobody's laughing now.

Did you hear about that time a hitman held a writer at gunpoint and forced him to write for Amy Schumer?

The hitman warned him, “Don’t get any funny ideas!”

One stolen joke is a coincidence. Two stolen jokes is a pattern.

Thirty stolen jokes is an Amy Schumer special.

Say what you like about Amy Schumer

She can take a joke

Amy Schumer

So I was talking to my friend and he says
“You ever see that really funny bit Amy Schumer did?”
I reply with “No”
He says “Yeah, neither did anyone else”.

My jokes are so bad

Amy Schumer bought them for her new routine.

did anybody see that hilarious Amy schumer bit?

me neither

I don’t care what anyone says, Amy Schumer is extremely talented.

I mean who else can steal jokes from others, and still remain remarkably unfunny.

Do you think Amy Schumer knows about this community?

Her career could skyrocket if she discovered us.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Amy Schumer porn

Fuck this isn’t google...

I failed my audition as Amy Schumer

I told an actual joke.

Maybe the end of Amy Schumer's new show is really funny.

I guess nobody will ever know.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I kind of feel bad for Amy Schumer over people calling her unfunny.

I mean can you imagine being so bad at comedy that you have to steal *shitty* jokes?

Whats funnier than Amy Schumer?

The Holocaust

Why is Amy Schumer so unfunny?

Nobody knows, she stole the punchline.

Kim Kardashian, Pitbull and Amy Schumer walk into a bar.

They set it lower.

It's funny that Schumer and humor rhyme

Cause that is the closest she will ever get to being funny.

So I saw Amy Schumer perform live...

The Kentucky Derby really is magical!

Who is Greta Thunbergs favorite comedian.

Amy schumer because she recycles all her jokes!

Haters, Amy Schumer just got another Netflix special announced, who's laughing now

^(still nobody)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The worst part of this election...

...isn't that Donald Trump won, but that fucking Amy Schumer is reneging on her promise to leave the country.

"Luigi, what was the name of that Schumer chick that no one likes?"

"It's Amy, Mario."

Watching Amy Schumer is a lot like watching surgery.

Watching Amy Schumers Comedy is a lot like watching surgery videos on Youtube.
It's unsettling, it's gross and it doesn't make you laugh once.

I would make a joke about Amy Schumers comedy career

but im afraid nobody will laugh

Amy Schumer had some great advice for her date.

You have to pretend like you want to use a condom. I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I'll be like, 'You're going to want to wear this. I've had a busy month.'

I was browsing Netflix the other day, and Happened upon the Amy Schumer special "Inside Amy Schumer." Looks like they couldn't use the original title idea due to copyright issues:

'Wide Open Spaces'

Stop making jokes about how fat and disgusting Amy Schumer is.

You're stealing her material.

Question: If it's not funny, is it still a joke?

Answer: In the case of Amy Schumer, yes.

I hate it when Amy Schumer gets compared to whales

Whales are kind of funny you know

What do MOAB and Amy Schumer have in common?

Apart from being plus-sized, they both really know how to bomb!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Amy Schumer, Chelsea Handler, and Sarah Silverman walk into a bar...

Vagina!

A doctor, priest, policeman, dog, Christian, comedian, blind man, Rabbi, firefighter, and Amy Schumer walk into a bar.

The bartender sighs and says, "My life is a joke."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Amy Schumer claims that a big time producer, sexually harassed her by asking her for a blow job.

Turns out, he was just telling her she sucks.

How do you get Amy Schumer, Rosie O'donnell and Lena Dunham to move to Canada?

Piece of cake.

They say if you have to explain a joke then it's not funny.

Which is probably why it took me so long to explain Amy Schumer to my mom.

What do you hear right before watching an hour-long compilation of different comedians' jokes?

Please welcome Amy Schumer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If 2019 was shit

Then 2020 would be a septic tank filled with Amy Schumer Jokes.

What’s the most insulting thing you can say to a commedian?

Ok Schumer

My jokes haven’t been hitting lately.

Call me Amy Schumer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The comedy industry is ridiculously sexist.

Zach Galifinakis can tell a joke to a full theatre and the audience would love it. If Amy Schumer told the same joke a week later in the same theatre to the same audience, she'd be accused of stealing material

I was sad I missed a Dave Chappelle special on T.V...

But then my girlfriend reminded me, I can just watch Amy Schumer to hear all his best jokes.

Funny Super Bowl Ads;

Amy Schumer has said she won't do any Super Bowl commercials this year in support of Colin Kapernic.

Thank God! Maybe this years Super Bowl commericals will be funny.

Why is Conan's guest's face blurred-out?

Oh. Never mind. It isn't. It's just Amy Schumer.

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