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Ooooh Jokes

What is the difference between "Ooooh" and "Aaaah"?

10 centimeters.

A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat..

Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow." The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer. The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man." Starting to freak out, the guy say...

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A guy goes to see a prostitute. (unpleasant joke ahead)

"Is it true what they say about you?"
"Yes honey, absolutely. I can suck you off, and sing the Star-Spangled Banner at the same time. Wanna give it a go?"
"That sounds amazing. I've got to experience it for myself."

They go up to her place. They move to the bedroom immediately and he p...

Ooooh it's ever so sad

At a boat rental company, the radio operator said into the microphone: "boat 99, your hour is up, please head in."
An employee walks up to him and says: "We only have 75 boats, sir there is no boat 99."
The radio operator says: "Boat 66, are you in trouble?"

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One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.

As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: "Why so glum?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"...

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Soap for sister

Two men on a pilgrimage spend the night at a Nunnery. They take a shower across the hall. When they want to start they notice they forgot the soap and one of them quickly darts back to their room to get two little travel soaps. Just as he wants to cross the hallway two nuns walk by, thinking on his ...

Jack, a renown atheist, dies...

... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, ...

At a convent, all nuns assemble for the morning sermon

The mother superior speaks up: "Last night, a man has been on our lands."

All nuns: "Ooooh!", except one nun: "Hehehe!"

MS: "The man entered one sister's chamber!"

All nuns: "Ooooh!", except one nun: "Hehehe!"

MS: "The man stayed in the chamber for one hour!"

All n...

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I wrote this one yesterday. Hopefully it's worth the read...

It was 1987 and Mr O'Neal had been working in his tailor shop for little creatures solidly, all year!

*ting-ting-ting-ting-tinnng... ting* The door jingles open and in hops a flea.

He approaches the tailor and says, "The big dance is tonight. I need the finest suit in your store".
...

A man bursts into a dentist’s waiting room.

“Oooh, ooooh, I’m a moth, I’m a moth!” he exclaims. 

 “This is dentist, not a psychiatrist,” says the receptionist, “why did you come in here?“ 

 “Your light was on,” says the man.

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Singing blowjob (NSFW)

One of my friends was a sailor in the navy many moons ago. He was out on deployment for long periods of time, and being a ship without women, he was naturally frisky.

They arrived at an island to resupply and the crew were given leave - so he makes his way to the nearest tavern and enquires o...

A professor teaches his students about Chinese history

Professor: Allright class, let me start off today with a fun fact. During early industrial times, a lot of British engineers went to China to start up new businesses there, because of their low taxation rates. Because of this huge increase in migration, the Chinese government invested in the proper ...

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A teacher is informing her class

A teacher is informing her class. She says, "Students, I have a very important date to tell you about"

Lil Jimmy replies, "Ooooh, who's the lucky guy?"

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A guy dies and suddenly finds himself in Hell...

He trepidatiously follows the crowd towards the Gates of Hell. He finds a demon holding a piece of cardboard with his name on it.

"Craig?," asks the demon as the man approaches.

"Y... yes," answers Craig, unsure of how to handle the situation.

"Hi. I'm Ed. I know what you're thi...

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A man was complaining to his doctor how his wife ended up pregnant.

"We were always using condoms diligently, I don't get it"

Doctor takes a look at the guy and he seems a bit daft so he asks him "well, why don't you show me how you use 'em?"

The man takes a condom out of his wallet, unwraps it and swallows it like a pill.

Doctor bursts in laugh...

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A carpenter and a professor run into each other...

Two old friends, a carpenter and a professor, run into each other. They chitchat a bit and they starting to talk about work.

Professor: "So, what are you working with nowadays?".

Carpenter: "I'm a carpenter. And you?"

Professor: "I'm a professor.

Carpenter: "In what fi...

Older couple

An older couple is spending time up in the bedroom before turning in for the night. Hubby's reading the paper while his wife is checking herself out in the mirror. Every few minutes, she lets out with a little- "Ooooh!" and "Awww!"
Finally, the husband can't concentrate and puts the paper down.<...

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(NSFW) The hippy and the nun

One day a hippy walks into a bus, when he spots a nun sitting in the first chair. To him, the nun is one of the best looking women he has ever seen. Being the straightforward guy he is, the hippy walks up and asks, “Hey, wanna have sex?” The nun, shocked, smacks him in the face, and gets off at the...

Two flowers were swaying gently in the breeze

Two flowers were swaying gently in the breeze

when one said "I love you, darling."

"I love you too," answered the second flower.

"I want you so much."

"I want you, too."

"I've got to have you right now!"

"Ooooh, where the hell are those damned bees?"

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Singing Telegram!

An elderly woman answers a knock at the door to find a messenger there.

"I have a telegram for you ma'am."

To which she replies, "Ooooh, is it a singing telegram?"

"No ma'am, just a regular telegram."

"Oh that simply won't do!" She exclaims, "I want a singing telegram!"...

A stressed out businessman decides to have a drink on his lunch break to relax...[LONG]

And he finds this hole-in-the-wall-bar. Besides the bartender who is steadily washing glasses behind the end of the bar, he is the only one in there.

He sits at the end of the bar nearest the entrance and orders a whiskey double. The bartender says, "Here you go, pally. If you need anyth...

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Bob goes to the zoo

One day, Bob decided to go to the zoo. When he got to the ape cage, he found himself looking at a big male ape, who was staring right back at him. When he scratched his head, so did the ape.

Noticing this, Bob decided to have some fun. So he started to scratch under his arms and jump aro...

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A man applies for a job at the zoo ...

He'd always wanted to work for the zoo, so he goes up to the zookeeper and asks if there are any openings.

"No, sorry," said the zookeeper. "We're not hiring."

"But please," said the man, "I've always wanted to work for the zoo. Are you sure there's no openings? I'll literally do anyt...

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