UPJOKE

My Mom Said Jokes

My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework, she's gonna slam my head on the keyboard.

But I don’t give a fuskhhkxkhdkhhskhd

One time my Mom said, "Put this towel in its place"

So I pointed at it and yelled, "Don't forget you're nothing but a towel."

My Mom said to stop drinking soda because it has acid in it.

I replied," Stop making such baseless accusations".

My mom said if I stayed up late then she'd bash my head against my keyboard again

I'm old enough to stay awake for as long as I damn pleahfjjsjjchfigjbrbrje d ffhfhfnfbfbrbrbrdjdjfufhfhdhdbdbrvtjtkykumhkfieuegdgajks38rjbfbfbdejjejekdfnjf

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My Mom said I should marry the first person I had sex with [nsfw]

I said "Mom, nobody wants to marry their Boy Scout Troop Leader"

My mom said to follow my dreams

So I went back to bed!

I was talking to my parents over dinner, my Mom said she was getting tired of the Bernie Sanders memes.

I looked over to her and said "Don't worry, this trend will Bern out soon."

My mom said that I should stop looking at the sun

I, personally, don't see any problem with that.

I adopted a goat the other day, but my mom said I'd have to get rid of it...

I guess as long as I live with my parents, I'll have to make sacrifices.

My mom said Vladimir sounded like a diagnosis. I said " I have Vladimir of the prostate"

...because I been Putin stuff in there.

My mom said it's too soon to make coronavirus jokes

But if we wait any longer, it'll be a disaster!

My mom said that i'm starting to lack empathy.

I can't understand how she could feel like that.

My mom said she's going to dig a hole in the garden and fill it full of water....

....she means well

My mom said that I have no sense of direction

So I packed all my stuff and right.

My mom said I would never be anything laying on the couch all day

Look at me now, I'm saving the world

My mom said "I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed."

I said 'Hi, disappointed, I'm CrepuscularKitten.'

My mom said that my dad told too many puns and dad jokes. She said “you have your fathers genes”

I said his jeans are too big for me

My mom said I was repetitive, condescending, forgetful and repetitive.

But one day, I’ll be sure

My mom said I was named after my grandfather—a war hero who died in Korea.

Of course I was named after him, I was born like 80 years after him.

My mom said, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"

Amazing woman, terrible surgeon.

My mom said my Pawpaw would say this joke all the time in the car. They'd be driving along and a bug would splat against the windshield and he'd say...

"I bet he doesn't have the guts to do that again."

Two boys are in the woods...

...They were walking when they noticed two girls getting naked in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. "Why did you leave man! That was the prime opportunity for us to see naked chicks!" Then the other kid said "well, my mom said if I ever see a naked girl...

My mom said if I don't stop using reddit she will bang my head on keyboard

But I know she will never do that because she loves medssxcvnklkjfsaarfscnnlknvdgjjbcfggukkfrhhvvvrrjbzddsazvbdwjjhguoiufde

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My mom said she had an aunt who claimed to never poop

She must've been really full of shit

I don't know why my mom said she was surprised the house wasn't clean when she got home

It's been 18 years you would think she'd have caught on by now.

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no.

See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18, and I could just have his motorcycle.

Timmy: "My mom said you bought her Microsoft Office for her birthday. Is that true?"

Jimmy: "Word to your mother."

A teacher asks her class to use 'contagious' in a sentence

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence. Sally, the class genius, raises her hand and says, "Last year I got the mumps, and my mom said it was contagious."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Would anyone else like to try?"

Little Johnny raises his hand and stan...

GRANPA, GRANPA CROAK LIKE A FROG

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa.  When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room.  "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

 

"W...

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk fo...

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Imaginary Friend.

I once had an invisible friend from Japan.

My mom said it was just my "imagine Asian.."

My son told me a joke and I thought I would share it with you all!

My mom said I couldn’t get a frozen yogurt. She said “do you think I’m made of money?”
Then I said, “isn’t that what mom stands for?”

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