UPJOKE

My Mom Told Me Jokes

My mom told me I'd never be able to make a car out of spaghetti.

You should've seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.

When my mom told me to stop acting like a flamingo

I had to put my foot down.

My mom told me, “Son, don’t text and drive. You could die.”

I said, “Mom, don’t worry, I never text when I’m drunk.”

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.

That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin, not me.

My mom told me she hated me today

She forgot to say April Fools

My mom told me that I objectify women.

When she asked me why I broke up with my last girlfriend, I said "it didn't
work out."

She said "be more specific."

I said "I just told you she didn't exercise."

My mom told me that “the world isn’t just black and white”

She still hasn’t coped with me being colorblind.

When I was young, my Mom told me the same thing every day.

My mother never ceased to tell me that I could be anyone I wanted when I grew up. Many times a day, she reminded me of this. "You can be who ever you want when you grow up."

Today, I was arrested for identity theft.

My mom told me Jesus died on a Royal Caribbean ship, but my priest said he died on a cross.

Was that cruise a fiction?

My mom told me a joke once

Her joke was "son, you're my biological child and i love you".

My mom told me this one

A farmer is worried sick about his horse Reginald who is basically on his death bed. He calls a vet to check up on him but the vet looks hopeless and says, "I'll be honest with you man, he's pretty much in his final stages. I do know this experimental three day treatment, but its not known to work. ...

My mom told me this one

If you wanna get in touch with your inner self use cheap toilet paper

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mom told me this joke

Donald and Tommy walk into a wedding.

Everyone brings amazing gifts for the couple.

Donald brings a peanut as his gift.

The couple finds this offensive and decides to shove the peanut up Donald's ass.

But then Donald starts laughing.

The couple asks him why he is d...

When my mom told me I’d never amount to anything because I procrastinate too much, I shot back, "Oh yeah!?"

"Just you wait!"

My Mom told me I shouldn't try bungee jumping...

I came into this world because of broken rubber, shouldn't test my luck and go out the same way.

A joke my mom told me today

One day Donald Trumps assistant told him, he had a fantastic dream last night. There was a huge parade in Washington, where he (Trump) was celebrated. Millions lined the parade route and cheered when the president came by. Bands played, children threw confetti in the air, there were balloons everyw...

My mom told me the plastic waste was full

I didn't know she watches Keeping up with The Kardshians

My mom told me my first dirty joke.

Why didn't Cinderella go to the ball?
She didn't want to choke!


I'm twenty three now, I was fourteen when she said it but always stuck with me because my mom was always very polite and didn't tell dirty jokes.
Thanks for all the comments;)!

My mom told me: “Finish your peas, there’re starving kids in China”

I said: “Oh yeah? Name 10”

My mom told me to load the dish washer.

So I got her pregnant.

My mom told me to wipe all surfaces in the bathroom.

When it came to the windows, I was a surface pro.

My mom told me never date a soccer player,

Because there is only a 9% chance they are a keeper.

My mom told me to take the spider out instead of killing him

I took him out. we had a few drinks. He's a web designer.

I remember when I was about 13 my mom told me I had to call our Catholic priest “Father”

I said “What do you mean? I been calling him daddy this whole time”

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My mom told me that her and her boyfriends sex life wasn't that good...

Guess hes a bad mother fucker

When I was a kid my mom told me I could become whatever I wanted

So I became a disappointment

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When I turned 18, my Mom told me that she and my father were in a porn together in the late 70's. To this day, it's the only porn I've ever watched all the way to the end.

It was the only way to figure which guy my Dad was.

My mom told me this joke the first time she met my gf.

What are three 2 letter words meaning small?

Is it in?

My mom told me that apparently loud music can kill you

She said something about death and me listening to too much loud music, but i couldn't quite hear her.

My mom told me I wasn't a failure

I appreciated the compliment so much I quit my job and moved in with her... a mother's day gift!

Her opinion changed greatly.

My mom told me a joke

A man is hiking when he sees a little girl standing crying near a cliff. He walks up to her and asks her what's wrong.

"My mommy fell off the cliff! She tripped on the edge and fell down to the bottom there where she splattered on the ground!"

The man is shocked. "Is there anyone else...

My mom told me to stop sitting around and doing nothing

Instead I stood up and did nothing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mom told me "It's what you love that makes you who you are"

Soooo... I guess that makes me large breasts.

My mom told me that the world doesn't revolve around me

I guess I'm not her son

My mom told me to make like a Windows 10 user

And live life on Edge.

My mom told me that it’s impossible to shoot fireballs from your hands.

I disagree, I told her shoryuken.

So, I can legit ride a unicycle. My mom told me it would never get me anywhere in life...

I looked her dead in the eye and said... “You’re wrong mom! Where there’s a wheel, there’s a way!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mom told me that if I kept masturbating, I'd go blind.

I couldn't help it! The eclipse was so beautiful!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mom told me I could keep the chicken in the freezer.

She was wrong. That little fucker was dead the next morning.

Growing up my Mom told me to never go to the strip club on the edge of town because I would see things I really shouldn’t see.

As soon as I got a fake ID my friends and I went.

I saw my Mom there.

My mom told me to "bring the inner kid out of you!"

So I went and had that abortion.

Worrying about money kept me up at night. My mom told me to put my money in my mattress because you can’t trust banks.

So I bought a $100k mattress and now I sleep like a baby.

My mom told me if i didnt get off the computer and do my homework she would bang my head against the keyboard

I think she mighfkgk57mo58ktzsrazxv78p

My mom told me about how Santa’s job is to give me a gift once a year and then not come back again for another year

I was just wondering why my dad changed his name to Santa

My mom told me that if I watched scary movies, the monster could come out of the TV and haunt the house..

So I only watched them at my friends' house.

a blonde is standing on the street buzzing at a lantern

a blonde police officer sees her buzzing the lantern, stops and asks: what are you doing, madam? The blonde answers: I’m trying to buzz my friend down but he’s not answering. Blonde police officer points confused at the light of the lantern and replies: but he must be home since the lights are on!...

Three young boys are exploring the woods near a river

One of the boys is crouched behind a rock and is looking at something.
He calls the other two over to look with him.
In the river is a beautiful naked woman bathing.
One of the boys immediately starts running in the other direction screaming.
“What’s wrong?” Says one boy.
“My mom...

What’s small than a teeny weeny fly?

A fly’s teeny weeny!!

My mom told me this joke when I was about 6 and it still makes me smile every time I think of it!

Why do nurses use red pens?

In case they need to draw blood



P.s my mom told me this

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False Teeth

A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room while shopping with her. The little boy gets bored and when his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.

'Get your hand out of there!' she shouts. 'Don't you know that women have teeth down ther...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was a fat kid who didn't eat vegetables

My mom told me, "if you eat too much pork, you'll become a pork". She can be such a dick

Was holding a crab when it started pinching me

My mom told me to let it go. I replied “no, this is the least abusive relationship I’ve ever been in.”

One day on the playground at school, a little boy flashes a little girl...

He then says, "ha ha I've got one of these and you don't."

The little girl not bothered by this went on about her business.

This continues ever day for weeks. Finally the little girl has had enough and tells her mom. Her mom tells her exactly what to do.

The next day on the p...

On a hot summer day there were two boys playing by a stream.

One boy went over to the bush to check out some noises.

He pointed out a woman bathing naked in the steam.

So, both boys decided to stay and watch her.

All of a sudden the second boy took off running.

The first boy couldn’t understand why he ran away, so he took off after...

I put scaffolding on my Hi-fi and steel girders on my digital radio.

Then my mom told me to stop reinforcing stereo types.

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