UPJOKE

My Momma Jokes

My momma said "Life is like a box of condoms..."

Runs out faster than you expect, and your mistakes will outlive you.

My momma told me Caitlin Jenner drives a Dodge

I guess that's why she's having all those tranny problems.

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My momma never knew why i always laughed when she called me a son of a bitch...

But the old man knew. That motherfucker was laughing too.

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When I was a boy..

My momma would send me down to the corner store with 1$ and I'd come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs. You can't do that now...

Too many fuckin' security cameras.

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What the tooth fairy looks like

This came from the book “chicken soup for the dental soul” my dentist had it in the waiting room.

I’m quoting from memory.

A 5 year old girl just lost a baby tooth and the dentist was explaining to her that if she put her tooth under the pillow at night that the tooth fairy would come ...

I never drink out of a straw...

My momma didn't raise a sucker.

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Johnny learns a moral

The teacher tells the students to go home and learn a moral for homework. The next day the teacher started with Sarah asking her what moral she learned.
"I was helping my momma bring in the groceries and the bag ripped and I dropped the milk and started to cry and my momma said "don't cry ove...

Three Nights Drunk - Folksong [Long]

Late one night when I came home
So drunk I couldn't see,
I saw a horse in the stable
Where my horse ought to be.

Wifey dear, oh wifey dear,
Oh please explain to me,
How come a horse in the stable
Where my horse ought to be?

You old fool, you stupid fool,
It's plain...

A mama's boy is frantically running out of a strip club yelling...

MY MOMMA TOLD ME IF I EVER CAME INTO A PLACE LIKE THIS I'D TURN INTO STONE.
AND I FEEL IT'S STARTING

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Smart baby

Smartest baby ever born was born this morning. 

He came out and looked at the doctor and said, "are you my doctor?" 
Doc says, "Yes, yes I am!" 
Baby says, "Thanks for taking such good care of me and my momma during the pregnancy and through the birthing process." 

Then, baby loo...

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A guy goes to the bar on his 21st birthday.

He says to the bartender, "I just turned twenty-one; give me a shot of bourbon!"
The bartender says, "Congratulations!" and pours him the shot. A prostitute approaches the man and says "You've just turned twenty-one huh? Ever been laid, boy?"
The man replies, "No ma'am. My momma always told m...

A boy is walking down an old highway...

A boy is walking down an old highway when a man in his pickup asks what he's doing. The boy replies "I'm running away from my momma." The man asks "Why would you do that?" "She beats me sir!", the boy responded. "Well would you like me to take your to your dad's house?" "Oh no sir. He beats me too."...

Two boys where walking in the woods...

When they came across a beautiful girl bathing naked in a lake. Hiding behind a tree watching when out of nowhere one boy takes off running towards home. When the other boy finally catches up to him he says " why the hell did you run? " so the other boy says " my momma always told me if I looked at ...

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