UPJOKE
given namemargaretmrssaid

Marit Jokes

New Jersey ranks highest in depression and marital infidelity

It's a sad state of affairs

Marital Argument

A husband and wife had been arguing all day. They pass a herd of jackasses. The wife says "relatives of yours?" Husband says, "yep, in laws."

Marital expectations

Two women were out walking in the city. Suddenly one of them spots her husband across the street. She points at him and says ”Look, it’s Jim, and he’s got a big bouquet of flowers that he’ll come home with tonight. Damn, that means I’ll have to lay on my back, spread eagle all night.” Both women sha...

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Funny marital joke

A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm. He walks up to his wife and says, " This is the pig I've been fucking." The wife says, " That's not a pig. It's a duck." The man replies, "I'm not talking to you."

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Four men are waiting for their wives in a marital ward.

edit: maternity ward, sorry my vocab is crap

They're all very anxious about becoming a father. After waiting some time, the doctor appears and congratulates the first man.

"Congratulations, your wife had twins!"

The man was relieved, but was a bit surprised. "What a coincidence...

Why does Curt Connors have marital problems?

Because of his reptile disfunction

What's the difference between Martial and Marital?

Whether the violence is domestic.

Marital Misunderstanding

It's 4.00am. A man comes stumbling home and bursts drunk into his bedroom. He's totally dishevelled, stinks of booze and has a goat tucked under his arm. His wife sits up with a shriek and shouts:

"How dare you come home in that condition! And what's that thing under your arm?"

Her hu...

Did you know Nebraska has the highest level of depression and extra-marital activity?

It's a sad state of affairs.

Credit: Paul Savage

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A man is having marital issues...

A man is having marital issues with his wife, and as a result they go to a marriage counselor.

The counselor says, "The best thing my wife and I ever did for out marriage was to avoid sex for a month. It forces you two to see if you're compatible."

The woman immediately agrees, and th...

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Marital Advice

Mike was going to be married to Jane, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something....
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother,my wife and said, 'Here, try these on!

She did and said, 'These are...

A couple are having marital difficulties,

...and the wife suggests they see a marriage counsellor.

At their first session the counsellor asks the couple to explain to each other how they feel about their marriage.

The wife says: “We are at a crossroads. To the left is bitterness, resentment, divorce and a life of unha...

A minister is giving a sermon on marital relations and happiness in marriage.

He states that those who have the happiest marriages have very regular conjugal relations. To prove his point he asks those who have such relations several times a week to stand. As they do he sees a smiling group of people. Then he asks who have conjugal relations several times a month and those...

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Marital struggles.

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, ...

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My new wife doesn’t believe in post-marital sex either

Says she wants to save herself for somebody special.

Marital Misunderstanding

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flo...

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An alcoholic having marital problems bc of his drinking..

Goes to the bar and gets so drunk he pukes all over himself. Lamenting that his wife will leave him bc of this, a guy at the bar says "just say someone else puked on you, and that they put a $20 in your shirt pocket to cover the cleaning". Oh what a great idea!

So the drunk returns home, an...

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What are the three stages of marital sex?

Tri-weekly

Try weekly

Try weakly

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Three sisters were all getting married within a short time period...

...Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but: ...

What's NC Senate candidate Cal Cunningham's position on extra marital affairs?

Missionary.

There are three melon farmers with different marital statuses.

One has a wife and farms honeydew.


The second has a husband and sells watermelon.


The third cantaloupe.

Me: I love you, but I am NOT interested in your marital problems.

Him: But you're my wife!

Heavenly Marital Help

Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.

"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."

Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you."

The cou...

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A married woman comes home early and finds her husband

having ferocious sex with a young attractive woman in their marital bed. She immediately says:

“You bastard, you son of a bitch, I’m calling my lawyer and divorcing you this minute, after all The love and devotion I have given you all these years, this is how you repay me?!!”

The husb...

Marital problems

"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?"

Always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me.

Marital Problems (possible oc?)

Dave got in a fight with his wife and took off for the night. He calls up his friend Steve who offers Dave his couch. While they're watching the gave and having a beer Steve asks Dave what happened.

Dave: I've got no idea. One minute we're talking about the dishwasher, the next she's calling ...

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A researcher carrying out a phone survey on marital sex...

phoned one of the participants to check on a discrepancy. He asked the husband: "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse, you answered 'once a week,' but your wife answered 'several times a night.'"

"That's correct," said the husband. "And that's the way it's going to be unti...

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A daughter goes to her father for marital advice...

"Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?"

"My child, you have been a married woman for many years. You have had three husbands! Surely that cannot be."

"Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was...

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A guy walks into his marital bedroom with a sheep under his arm, his wife is in bed reading a book.

He says, ‘'This is the pig I shag when you're not around.” His wife looks up from what she'd reading and says, “That's not a pig, it's a sheep!” He said, “"I was talking to the sheep.”

Marital Bliss! A police officer pulls over...

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says,”Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting his wife says: "Now don't be silly, d...

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A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, “When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself.”

On the way home the man went to a gun store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he ran home to his wife. When he got home he was surprised and delighted to find...

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As Farmer Brown approached his neighbor’s barn, he saw Farmer Jones serenading a tractor with songs and compliments. “What are you doing?” Farmer Brown demanded. Farmer Jones replied, “My wife and I have been having marital difficulties and the marital counselor said I needed to do something..."

"...sexy to a tractor.”

My wife and I were having some marital issues but we have moved on.

We have been doing it doggy style a lot lately, too much if you ask me. I guess I shouldn’t complain. Her strap on, her rules.

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Mickey and Minnie Mouse are having marital problems and decide to go see a marriage counselor.

Counselor: "Well Mickey/Minnie, from what I gather, Mickey thinks you Minnie, are going crazy?"

Mickey: "That is not what I said, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

I was screwing my mistress in my marital bed when she got all guilty and weepy and insisted that we come clean.

So I finished her off in the shower.

(I figure things will be all back to normal after I work out where to stash her body.)

Back from business trip.

A mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase..

"What happened?", she asks anxiously.

"What happened! I'll tell you what happened..
... I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my busine...

I did Judo till i got married.

I wasn't prepared for Marital arts.

Me: 'Hello, I would like to make a withdrawal.'

Receptionist: 'Are you sure you're not here to make a *deposit*, sir?'

Me: "No."

Receptionist: 'Just a few questions, sir. Are you married?'

Me: "Uhm, no."

Receptionist: 'Do you have a partner?"

Me: "No, again. Why do you need to know my marital status and relation...

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Two guys and a girl become shipwrecked on a deserted island...

...but fortunately there is plenty of food and fresh water. Over the next few months, they build a little community: all three craft little huts out of sticks and leaves, and they fairly split up all the tasks and chores essential to their survival. They even build a little church where they go to p...

A women was shopping at her local...

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce,a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk stand...

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A married man suffering from stuttering consulted a famous doctor

The doctor carefully examines the patient and comes to a conclusion that his dick is too huge and needs to be replaced with a smaller one. After a long pause, the patient agrees and had the surgery. When he woke up, his stuttering was gone and was satisified.

After a few weeks he comes back t...

Any man who has an abusive wife

Any man who has an abusive wife, needs to start practicing marital arts.

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A man and a woman have just finished celebrating their twentieth wedding anniversary...

A man and a woman have just finished celebrating their twentieth wedding anniversary and are heading up to bed for some twentieth anniversary maritals.

On the way up the stairs the woman glances at the pictures of their children and thinks about how much she loves her life. Once they get to t...

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Two brothers running a farm...

One brother walks into the barn and notices his brother dancing in front of the tractor. Quietly he walks closer and peaks around the corner notices his brother slowly taking off his shirt while dancing.

He interrupts his dancing brother and asks what is he doing.

The dancing brother s...

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An Irish painter by the name of Murphy,

while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown Malbay, in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman ar...

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Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Institute of Mental Health

If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, please press button 1. Again. And again. And again.

If you have a multiple personality disorder press in rapid sequence keys 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoia, we have to inform you that we already know who you are, what you d...

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What does a Japanese man experience when he marries a Jewish woman?

marital bris

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A man comes home from work

A man comes home from work to the sound of sobbing coming from the bedroom so he goes upstairs to see what's going on. Upon entering the marital bedroom he finds his wife standing naked & crying in front of the full length mirror.
"Darling, what's wrong?" He asks.

His wife replies " I'...

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Pickled Penis(NSFW)

A woman and her husband were experiencing marital problems, to the point where they were no longer having sex. After visiting several counselors the problems were not resolved. The woman grew desperate, and was afraid to ask her husband for sex. In her desperation she visited a Gypsy, and explained ...

A couple goes to a marriage counselor

A husband and wife were having marital problems. They decided the best thing to do would be to seek the advice of a marriage counselor. The counselor interviews them for several hours and then gives them his advice.

"The main problem I see is that you two do not show appreciation towards each...

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Reality

Letter from Daughter to Parents

Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on,please sit d...

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At the couples counselor

A husband and wife are having marital difficulties. In an effort to save the marriage they agree to go to couples therapy. The therapist sits them down and says "Before we begin I like to acknowledge that it is a commitment to the love between the two of you that has brought you here to see me. I un...

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John Deer Sexy

Leeroy went to visit his best friend Jethro. When Leeroy arrived, he saw Jethro outside, dancing his butt off in front of his John Deere tractor. Jethro was swaying back and forth, doing the twist, even a little breakdancing. When Leeroy questioned Jethro about what the heck he was doing, Jethro sai...

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So a city boy moves to the country.

Bob always hated his big city life, so one day he sold all his possessions and moved to the countryside.

Proud of the new land he purchased he felt like exploring one day, so he got on his horse and follow the old barbed wire fence til he spotted a man

"Hey there! how's it going? I'm B...

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So a toothbrush salesman is down on his luck

He goes into a bar and orders a shot. The bartender gives him a shot and asks "What's wrong buddy? You look like the world is about to collapse."
"Well my friend,(the salesman slowly take his shot, stares at the empty glass and replies) I'm a toothbrush salesman and I haven't made a sale in over...

Great Deal at the Grocery Store

Bill is a man in his forties and he gathered his old fraternity brothers together for a weekend to play some poke, reminisce about old times and complain about their lives. Particularly, Bill had marital troubles, and was explaining his worries that his wife was cheating on him.
One of the guy...

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Husband takes a break from his wife.

A wife and her husband were having marital problems. She wanted a better relationship than he was providing. He was always tired and sat on the couch watching tv. He was not interested in having sex, doing yard work or much of anything.

She made an appointment for him to see a doctor. ...

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The Tale of the Magic Dildo

A woman is married to a great man, and they are perfect for each other. They love each other dearly, have almost no marital issues, and their sex life is especially great. Well....when he's there. You see, this guy makes a lot of money, but has to travel a lot for work. So, naturally, they start to ...

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