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Lpt Jokes

LPT: How to pick up girls

Try this:

1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather ...

LPT: If you are planning to settle down, don’t date a soccer player.

There’s only a 1/11 chance they are a keeper.

LPT Request: My 2 year old son drew in permanent marker all over the walls

So I took a shower earlier today and left my 2 year old son in the living room with the TV on thinking he would be ok. I come out 20 minutes later and he covered the entire living room in green permanent marker that he somehow got a hold of. As you can imagine, I flipped out and immediately ran to...

LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

LPT: If you commit 90 sins, you only get caught half the time.

sin 90 = cot 45

LPT: If you are ever at a party or business meeting with Spanish speakers, make sure to stand up and say “Mucho”

It means a lot to them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

LPT for sexytime

If you like some music during sex, put on a live album.

It's really motivating to get an applause every 3 minutes.

LPT: How to Deal with Fat Jokes

Lighten up.

LPT: Follow the given three steps in order to successfully accomplish a murder.

1. Set out a few high-mounted boxes with hole in the front of them.
2. Scatter about several boxes filled with cashews.
3. Be sure to do this in a place crows frequent.

LPT: Do not pick a fight with a dinosaur.

You'll get jurasskicked.

LPT: You will fail your calculus exam if you sit next to identical twins.

It’s hard..to differentiate between them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

LPT: For your safety, try not to mess with asexual people.

They don’t fuck around.

LPT: Don't get your animals delivered.

It turns out they need their liver.

LPT: NEVER hang your drivers license from your rearview mirror!

You risk being pulled over for driving with a suspended license.

LPT: When you wish on a star, often your wish will come true.

Usually because the star doesn't want the paparazzi to find out. Just name your price, and let them go back on stage, already!

LPT: Stay hydrated and dump your old bong water

SLPT: Do that in one action

LPT: If your dentist has no painkillers, ask him for Helium.

It will be hilarious when you scream.

LPT: Never watch a how-to video.

Instead, go directly to the comments and find the guy who knows how to do it better.

LPT: Dont buy French bread

You will get nothing but Pain

LPT: Don't Take Home Furniture Sellers

They'll never let you get away with just the one night stand.

LPT

LPT When submitting a post, make sure you post to the correct subreddit or you will look like an idiot

LPT: Always go to the bathroom before you stand in a long line

It's the P before Q rule.

LPT: You can know when someone is lying just by looking at them

You can also know when they're standing.

LPT: If you ever find yourself outside without clothes, just spray yourself down with Windex.

It prevents streaking.

LPT for stretching your food budget

Cut a minute steak into 60 pieces. Then everyone can have seconds.

LPT for people like me who couldn't breath with a face mask on

..
..
Take it out of the plastic bag first. I haven't felt like I was suffocating since I learned this.

LPT: If you get ink stains on a fancy shirt, then Alcohol is your best friend!

Ive learned that alcohol is the best way of dealing with ink stains. When I accidentally left my pens in the pockets of my new shirt during the first wash, they came out with huge blotches of ink all over.


However, after half a bottle of tequila, i couldn't see the stains anymore.
<...

LPT: Always read product reviews before buying electronics

Like a lot of people, I’ve been drawn in by Amazon to check out their prime day deals. I was browsing through the electronics earlier, looking for a new flash drive for transferring documents between my home and work computers. The primary one I use currently is only USB 2.0 and I figured it might ...

LPT: If your phone gets water damage, leave it in a bowl of rice overnight.

When you're sleeping, Asians will come to eat the rice and will fix your phone for fun

LPT: Don't let a doctor examine you without clothes on

Make him put his clothes on

LPT: When you get a pet rock

Don't take it for granite

LPT: Always wear hearing protection when you go to concerts

This is sound advice.

LPT: Forgot the name of a song but know the tune?

Just upload a video of you humming it onto YouTube and you'll immediately get a copyright claim stating the name of the song!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

LPT: If You're unhappy with your life, remember it's a question of perspective, my friend has sex 2-3 times a day, exercises daily, reads two books weekly, but he's still complaining about his life

...in prison

LPT: Be careful driving on New Years Eve

A lot of men will be drunk, so their wives and girlfriends will be the ones driving.

LPT: If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor of the kitchen, quietly slide it under the refrigerator.

Soon it’ll be.....water under the fridge

LPT: If you want to make some easy money, take pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

You can get a tour from the museum director, but...

LPT:
They're cheaper by the docent

LPT: When you are sad start singing

You will quickly realise that your voice is way worse than your problems.

LPT: If you've got toddlers at home, and you're going to take them out...

You can probably get away with using a light sedative. Save chloroform for children 12 and older.

(Xpost: LPT) Never interrupt a Jonestown joke.

They literally shot a politician for skipping the punch line.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

LPT: Make sure you properly understand job ads.

* Entry level position = We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.
* Experience required = We do not know the first thing about any of this.
* Compensation commensurate with experience = You're still not experienced enough so take this low pay.
* Generous benefits = We will give you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

LPT...never trust a Genie who....

calls his penis his LAMP. I never got my wishes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

LPT: Never hold your farts in.

They travel up your spine into your brain,and that's where shitty ideas come from.

LPT: Don't trust everything you read on Facebook

Unless it's the pope endorsing Trump. That definitely happened.

LPT: what to do when someone is having a seizure in a bathtub

Throw in a load of laundry.

LPT: A lot of people cry when they chop onions,

the trick is not to form an emotional bond.

LPT: While online dating, try one of the jokes on this sub as an icebreaker.

That way, you can make sure the person is not a weirdo who is on Reddit.

LPT: Now that it is summer time, avoid swimming in waters that have strong currents, it is very dangerous..

.. you risk getting electrocuted.

LPT: Start a film on your laptop before you go to bed.

That way, the NSA will have something to watch while you sleep. ^_^

LPT: How to tie an extremely difficult knot

Just put it in your pocket. Works like a charm with my headphones every time.

LPT: If you're trying cocaine for the first time, add a little Downy.

It'll soften the blow.

LPT: Use a name brand shopping bag as a trash bag while traveling in Europe

Once the bag is full, take some photos of your surroundings looking away from the shopping bag. By the time you look back, you no longer will have trash to get rid of.

LPT: When weightlifting, always have a friend videotape it.

Because the camera always adds 10 pounds.

LPT: How to get out of murder/manslaughter charges.

Become a police officer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

LPT: The first thing you should do after an orgasm.

Clear the browser history.

LPT: If a stranger offers you drugs...

Say "Thank you!", as drugs are expensive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

LPT: if you are lost in japan, ask for soy sauce

...it will shoyu the way

LPT: If you are sick of hearing duplicate tracks on Spotify's stand-up comedy playlists,

Just delete all of the Amy Schumer material, and it should flow a lot smoother.

LPT: Never tell a sound technician how they are doing.

They hate feedback.

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