UPJOKE

Have You Ever Heard Jokes

During English class the teacher asks Little Johnny "have you ever heard of the word contagious before?"

"Of course miss" Johnny replies "my father actually said it when we were talking yesterday".

"Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?"

"Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbour take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over ...

Have you ever heard of the brave little German boy who can only count to 3?

He knows no vier

Have you ever heard of the mexican train killer?

He had loco motives

Have you ever heard of the Greek hero Bophades?

He was one of the heroes who fought in the Trojan War. His story is similar to the story of Achilles. When he was a child, his mother held him by the groin and dipped him in the river Styx, as to make him invincible in battle. However, just like Achilles, he had a weak spot. Because his mother held ...

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Last bullshit of the year. Have you ever heard of the greatest chinese cowboy

His name was Yee Ha

Have you ever heard about the ghost hockey player?

It's team spirit.

Have you ever heard shovels?

It’s a groundbreaking invention.

Have you ever heard a grammar teacher tell a story?

It's always intense!

Have you ever heard of Clinton Soup?

It consists of a weenie in hot water

Have you ever heard of the world's largest pickle?

It's kind of a big dill.

Have you ever heard of Supermans powerless cousin?

Norm-El

Have you ever heard of emo pizza?

You haven’t, well it’s the type that cuts itself

Have you ever heard of Pavlov's dogs?

Hmm... it rings a bell.

Have you ever heard of the ancient Greek philosopher Garglades?

Garglades nuts, lol

Have you ever heard of the illusion of choice?

Never mind, of course you have.

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Have you ever heard about the marine that got caught jerking off?

Let’s just say he had a dishonorable discharge.

Have you ever heard about Draculas vegan brother

Count Rucola?

Have you ever heard about the movie Constipation?

You probably didn't,
Because it never Came Out.

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Have you ever heard of students having sex with their professor to pass an exam?

This is what I'd call a real penetration test.

Have you ever heard of the kid who got lost mid sentence?

Me neither

Have you ever heard the tragedy of Darth Plagueis, the wise?

I thought not. It's not a story the Jedi would tell you. It's a Sith legend. Darth Plagueis was a Dark Lord of the Sith, so powerful and so wise he could use the Force to influence the midichlorians to create life. He had such a knowledge of the dark side that he could even keep the ones he cared ab...

Have you ever heard of the restaurant on the moon?

The food is out of this world, but it has no atmosphere.

Have you ever heard of Murphy’s law?

-Yeah, whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

What about Cole’s law?

-Ugh...

Sliced cabbage mixed with mayonnaise and other vegetables

Have you ever heard of bird west?

It’s just one of the cardinal directions.

Have you ever heard a Swiss joke?

Its cheesy.

Have you ever heard a joke that costs $338 million?

If so, Bloomberg has some papers for you to sign.

Have you ever heard the music for Super Mario Galaxy?

It’s out of this world.

Have you ever heard the joke about the grandpa?

It's a pretty old one.

Have you ever heard of the "walk of shame"?

It's when you are redditing on the toilet for so long that your legs fall asleep and you have to walk back the recliner like an octopus.

You're heard of manspreading, but have you ever heard of womanspreading?

It's when a car takes up 2 parking spaces.

Have you ever heard of the remote petri culture?

They have different jeans then the rest.

Have you ever heard of corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines

Have you ever heard of Christmas Adam?

It comes before Eve and isn't nearly as satisfying

Have you ever heard of the ckicken plant?

I guess the eggplant came first!

I work at a grocery store and a guy in the produce department told me this. He thought it was hilarious

My girlfriend asked me: "Have you ever heard of a scare-plant?"

I asked: "What's a scare-plant?"

Her: "BamBOO!"

Have you ever heard the joke about drifting?

No, because it failed to gain traction.

Have you ever heard the story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree?

Once upon a time, three days before Christmas many years ago, Santa was sitting in his office. He was under a horrible amount of stress; the elves had just announced that they were forming a labour union, half the reindeer had hoof and mouth disease, and Mrs. Claus hadn't touched his candy cane in m...

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Have you ever heard of the international feline butt scratching award? .

I hear it's a catastrophe

(Nerdy joke) Two chicks walk into a bar...

Two chicks walk into a bar. One says to the other,"Have you ever heard of the Bechdel test?" The other says,"Yeah, my boyfriend was telling me about it the other day."

Have you ever heard of the paralysed man who aspired to become a stand-up comedian?

He figured sitcoms suited him better.

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

Have you ever heard the joke about the pirate with a steering wheel attached to his crotch?

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch. The bartender points it out to him, asking, "you do realize you have a steering wheel coming out of your crotch?"

The pirate responds, "yar, its drivin me nuts!"

Have you ever heard the one about the landscaper who lost everything after his wife left him and his dog died?

No?

Maybe I shouldn't tell it. It's a sod story.

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On Air Confession

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or serio...

I met a person claiming to be the greatest lumberjack.

I asked "How do you know, you are the greatest"

Well, have you ever heard of the sahara forest ?

I replied you mean the Sahara desert ?

Well I guess they call it that now.

Martians arrive on earth

They're peaceful and happy and everyone loves them. Obviously humanity has tons of questions they'd like to ask them so the U.N. decides to arrange a conference. All the world leaders, public intellectuals and religious heads are in attendance to ask their most burning questions. Finally it is the p...

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