UPJOKE

Have You Heard About Jokes

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Have you heard about the new sex position called the Liz Truss?

That's when you give her a weak Pound, then immediately leave the House.

Have you heard about the man who got cooled to absolute zero??

He's 0K now.
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Have you heard about Pavlov's experiment?

Doesn't ring a bell.
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Have you heard about giant with diarrhea?

Its all over town
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Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows?

They’re making head lines.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the Viagra shipment that was stolen?

The police are on the lookout for hardened criminals.

Have you heard about the new braille laxative?

It's touch and go.
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Have you heard about that singer with muscle atrophy?

He calls himself the weakened.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the man that had five penises ?

His boxers fit like a glove

Have you heard about the gynecologist who quit his job?

Yeah so he became a mechanic.

Went to school and for the first test, he had to disassemble then reassemble an engine.

He got a %150. He got confused and asked his teacher how he got that grade.

Teacher says, "I gave you %50 for taking it apart, %50 for reassembling it and runnin...
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Have you heard about the haunted golf course?

It had a bogeyman.
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Have you heard about the new flatbread conspiracy theorists?

They're out to convince all naan believers.
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Have you heard about the skunk who went to church?

He had his own pew.
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Have you heard about the PR disaster at EA over Battlefront 2?

*60,000 credits*
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Have you heard about the guy who stopped a fight at a butcher shop?

He's a real mediator.
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Have you heard about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.
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Have you heard about the guy stealing wheels of police cars?

The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
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Have you heard about the new show about mountain goats?

Every episode ends on a cliffhanger.
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Have you heard about the joke about the inner eye?

It’s aqueous humor.
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Have you heard about the rising political tensions between yogurt and penicillin? One side is probiotic, and the other is antibiotic.

They're calling it a culture war.
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Have you heard about the most famous cow in history?

It was Legen-Dairy
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Have you heard about the new Star Trek Christmas movie?

It’s The Wreath of Khan
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Have you heard about the film they're making, where Dallas gets destroyed by space junk?

Debris Does Dallas.
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Have you heard about the cross-eyed circumciser?

He got the sack.
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Have you heard about the helium shortage?

It's only gotten worse with inflation.
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Have you heard about the store that sells used Indian clothing?

Whose sari now?
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Have you heard about what the necromancer movie director did?

He ordered the whole film to be reanimated.
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Have you heard about the old geography teacher who kept wetting his bed?

His only weakness was in continents.
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Have you heard about the movie “Constipation?”

No?
That’s because it hasn’t come out yet
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Have you heard about the kid who was raised by Dolphins?

He went on to live a life of porpoise
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the new Viagra for women?

It’s called Niagara…keeps ‘em wet for 3 days!

Have you heard about the rioting in Baltimore?

So far they've caused 4 million dollars in improvements.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the orgy at the campground?

It’s fucking in tents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the peanut rapist?

He's out there and he's fucking nuts! If you're not careful, he'll cashew.

Me : Have you heard about whats happening in china

Friend: No

me: neither have they
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Have you heard about the political party that’s using really good weed to promote their political views and opinions?

It’s propaganja.
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Have you heard about re-usable condoms?

Yep you take them off and shake the fuck out of them.

Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?

It’s got good food, but there’s no atmosphere.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the constipated detective?

No shit Sherlock

Have you heard about Big Al's younger brother who was just average.

Have you heard about Big Al's younger brother who was just average.


I've heard he's Norm Al.
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Have you heard about the italian chef who died?

He pasta way.
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Have you heard about Marx's tomb?

They say it's a Communist plot
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Have you heard about the new Covid strain going around?

The symptoms include loss of taste and smell, descent into horrific raving madness from gazing at Cthulu's twisted visage, and runny nose.

It's the Necromnicon variant.
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Have you heard about the dyslexic spy who got caught with a suitcase nuke in the post office?

Fission mailed!
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Have you heard about the man who goes around knocking on doors?

"Doesn't ring a bell"

"That's him!"
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Have you heard about the new Broadway act based on the dictionary?

It's a play on words.
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Have you heard about the problem with wildfires in Greece?

Apparently you can’t extinguish a Greece fire with water.
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Have you heard about the incel action figure?

It comes in a sock instead of a box.
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Have you heard about the Oscar Pistorius drinking game?

Every time your girlfriend goes to the bathroom, you take 5 shots.
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Have you heard about the boss who got their foot stuck in an electrical cord?

>!They went on a power trip!<
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Have you heard about the new super sensitive condoms?

They hang around after the guy leaves and talk to the woman.
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Have you heard about the three holes in the ground?

Well, well, well.
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Have you heard about Ford's new electric coffee car?

It's the Mach-E Auto.
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Have you heard about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

He will stop at nothing to avoid them
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Have you heard about the sequel to

the Exorcist ? In the new version, a woman hires the Devil
to get a priest out of her son.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the dyslexic homosexual rooster?

Dude’ll do a cock!

Have you heard about the shampoo crisis in jamaica?

It's dreadful
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the Afghanistan withdrawal method?

It's when you pull out too late so you lose almost two decades of your life and most of your money

Have you heard about the constipated accountant?

He tried to work it all out with a pencil.
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Have you heard about the jewellery store in the red light district?

It’s the perfect place to go for a finger ring.
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Have you heard about the fire at the shoe factory?

Many souls where lost.
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Have you heard about the band called "1023 Megabytes?"

They haven't made it to a gig yet.
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Have you heard about Gucci's new line of baby clothes?

Gucci-goo
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Have you heard about the Transformer who turns into a prostate vibrator?

I finally understand what they mean by ***"robots in these guys"***
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Have you heard about the one-armed super hero?

He single handedly stops crime.
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Have you heard about the activist group that fights for ceramic containers in fast food restaurants?

They call themselves the "Bowl movement".
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Have you heard about the elevator conspiracy?

Hundreds of people are saying they got stuck between floors. But I don't believe them. I think they made it up.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the new viagra biscuits?

They never go soft

Have you heard about the Swedish mutation of Covid-19?

You have to assemble it yourself.
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Have you heard about the new fiction novel coming this year?

Its the memoirs of Trumps presidency
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Have you heard about the disease from kissing birds ?

It's called Chirpies.

It's a canarial disease.

It's untweetable.
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Have you heard about these new corduroy pillows?

They've really been making headlines.

-courtesy of my 8 year old niece.
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have you heard about the emu who was kicked out of the emu gang?

he was ostrich-sized.
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Have you heard about the "mute joke?"

it started with a moment of silence
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Have you heard about the new Scientologist car?

It's got cruise control...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the old man's gambling problem?

An old man had a gambling problem not a bad one but a really good one. He was depositing thousands each day.

A few months pass and seeing as the old man had no job was contacted by the IRS to discuss his income.

The old man arrives with his lawyer to speak with the IRS agent. The agen...

Have you heard about the broke ornithologist?

His budgie-ting skills were horrible!
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Have you heard about that disabled comedian

he wasnt very good at stand-up
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Have you heard about the girl with a hereditary disease that gives her diarrhea?

It runs in her jeans.
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Have you heard about the robot who got into a fight?

It was charged with battery.
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Have you heard about the man who invented a bell-less belfry?

The invention was so great, he won a no-bell prize.
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Have you heard about that anti-vax joke?

They never get old
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Have you heard about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

She stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.
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Have you heard about my pickle?

It's kind of a big dill.
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Have you heard about the Angel of Death that's not so intelligent?

The Dim Reaper?
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Have you heard about Pennywise’s dumbell?

It’s a weight for IT.
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Have you heard about the man who recently died working at the glasses factory?

Apparently he fell right into the glass grinder, making a spectacle of himself.
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Have you heard about the coffin scavenger hunt?

Remains to be found
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Have you heard about Terry the tractor lover?

He was the ultimate tractor enthusiast, his bedroom was plastered with tractor posters, his bed was adorned with a tractor bed spread, tractor toys littered the floor and tractor maintenance DVDs dominated his shelves.

Shortly after Terry's 18th birthday (where he of course had a tractor bir...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about this new sex position called The Rodeo?

It's where you put your woman down on all fours, mount her from behind, reach over to feel her tits and then whisper in her ear, "Your sister's boobs are better."

You then try to stay on for 8 seconds.

Have you heard about the tax on balloons?

They are taxing them to new heights!
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Have you heard about the new Coronavirus test?

It’s just a little pin prick
There will be no more ahhh
But you may feel a little sick
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Have you heard about the quick clothes maker?

Some have said she is a Tailor, Swift
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Have you heard about the atheist dial-a-prayer service?

When you call no-one answers
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Have you heard about the haunted house shortage?

Seems like a lot of people are running out of them.
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Have you heard about the new bush-o-matic 3000?

It's the latest piece of kit where you can upload an image into the on-board computer, crop out the back ground, set the machine on the floor and point it towards the hedge of your choice.

You press "GO" and the machine flies up into the air and starts cutting out a 3D sculpture of the image...
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Have you heard about the new cemetery?

I've heard it's the dead center of town
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Have you heard about the champion of hide and seek?

Me Neither
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Have you heard about the female rapper who only battled during her menstrual cicle?

Thay say she has a mean flow
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