An optimist says the glass of wine is half full, the pessimist says it’s half empty, and the realist says it’s not one or the other, but exactly halfway filled.

Meanwhile while the three are arguing, the opportunist comes in and drinks the entire glass of wine.

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I was just having a quiet pint by myself in a half empty pub, when some guy comes over.

"Would you mind moving, that's my seat."

Seeing as though I'd been there an hour, and there was plenty of other empty seats, I politely refused.

He started getting quite aggressive at that point, saying "I've never seen you in here before, I've sat in that seat every Saturday night for...

The pessimist says the glass is half empty.

The optometrist says you need new glasses.

Scientists have discovered a stone tablet 60,000 years old inscibed with pictographs describing the idea of "the glass half empty or half full."

They are calling the prehistoric philosopher "optimist prime."

What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?

Nothing.

I’m a glass is always half empty kinda guy.

I’m not pessimistic, I’m just a raging alcoholic.

For the question "Is the glass half empty or half full?" someone was the first person to say the glass is half full. While their name is forever lost, historians, theoligans and philosophers shall refer to them as...

Optimist Prime.

A pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Dave: (reading) a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Wife: [returning from the kids room] why is half my soda gone?

Dave: because you’re a pessimist.

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest...

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read.

After a few minutes the man tu...

What did the captain of the Titanic say to the guy lowering a half empty lifeboat?

Too soon.

What do you call a semi truck with it's load half empty?

Pessimist Prime

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...

It’s currently half empty...

There are 3 types of people

Them: "the glass is half full"

Others: "the glass is half empty"

Me: "they didn't get my order right"

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The other day

An Englishman, American and Irishman were having a drink at the bar. The Englishman says to the others "The other day, I went into my daughters room and found a cigarette! I didn't even know that she smoked!".


The American chuckles "That's nothing! The other day I went into my daught...

father and son

- Son! Why is the whiskey bottle half empty?
- Cause you are a pessimist.

Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me

Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy

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A door-to-door salesman knocks on a door of a house

Little Johnny opens up, holding a half empty bottle of whisky and a lit cigar.

The salesman says, "hey kid, are your mom and dad home?"

Johnny takes a swig of whisky and a puff of the cigar, and answers, "What the fuck do you think"?

World is half full of pessimists...

Or half empty, depends how you look at it

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

When you open them they are half empty.

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Four friends walk into a bar.

They each order a glass of wine. When they were served them, they all looked at their glasses.

The first friend inspected his carefully and determined that "Mine is half empty."

The second friend stared at his glass, looking at at and finally saying "Well, mine is half full."

Th...

A Psych Professor was conducting an experiment with a Psych Student...

There was half of a glass of water sitting on a small table. They would have the subjects of the experiment (other students from the University) come in and describe what they see. Depending on the students’ answers, they would determine their personality type.

The first student comes in and ...

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There are three kinds of people...

The ones who say the glass is half full,

The ones who say the glass is half empty,

And the one who thinks you should have gotten a smaller glass.

Once upon a time in a bar far far away....

The "Pessimist" saw cups half EMPTY

The "Optimist" saw the cups half FULL









*The woman slapped them both for staring !*

A man was being chased by a casket as he returned home late at night....

Desperate, he rushed into the bathroom that no one in the house ever uses and slammed the door shut.

As the thumping of the casket trying to break through the door echoed through the rather empty bathroom, the man frantically searched the place for something he can fight the casket with, howe...

There's a bottle full of methanol in a chemistry lab...

...there's a note attached to it: "don't drink it, or else you will go blind."
The next day, the bottle is half empty and someone added to the note: "I will risk one eye."

His cup doth runneth over

Some people think the cup is half full, some think the cup is half empty, I think the cup is an important piece of sporting equipment that doesn't need to have its content measured

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So a Nun Walks into a Liquor Store...

...and shyly asks for a bottle of their finest Vodka. The Store own replys, "I'm sorry mam, but your mother superior has already informed me that you are not to buy any alcohol from me."

'But sir!" she replied, "It is for the mother superior. She's....constipated..." and she hands the store o...

Engineer smarts.

An optomist, a pessimist, and an engineer were all shown a 24 ounce glass with 12 ounces of water in it.

The optomist looked and said, "the glass is half full."

The pessimist looked and said, "the glass is half empty."

The engineer looked and said, "there's twice as much glass...

The difference perspective has on optimism and pessimism

After downing half of his glass of milk, my ten year old son declared, "*I am an optimist: 'The glass is half empty!'*..."

"*Looking at the glass as half empty is a sign of pessimism son,*" I said.

He smiled and corrected me: "*Not if you don't like what's in it!*"

I'm more optimistic than most.

Some say the glass is half empty, some would say it's half full.
I'd say "Hey, That's a nice glass!"

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A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a half empty bar and says to the bartender “If I show you something amazing will you give me a free drink?”

“You know bud,” the world-weary bartender says, “I’ve been in this business for a long, long time and it will take something pretty freaking special to impress me but ...

Ten Science Jokes for Nerds

* I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

* I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.

* Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers.

* Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And ...

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