Behind The Wheel Jokes - 49 Hilarious Behind The Wheel Jokes

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The star...

The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says: "Do you mind if I ask you a favor?"

"A favor for the Pope??" exclaims the driver, "of course - anything!"

"You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I'd really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?"
...

Some couple was getting a little frisky behind the wheel of an Altima on a slick street, lost control and went slightly off the road, hit a tree with the front end and needed to call an ambulance and roadside assistance.

A classic case of Head, Shoulder, Nissan Tows, Ice, ERs, Mouth and Nose.

A state trooper pulled along side a speeding driver and is shocked when he sees a elderly woman behind the wheel knitting.

The trooper rolled down the window and yelled, "Pull Over!"

"No!" yelled the woman, "It's a cardigan!"

People get mad at Tesla drivers for falling asleep behind the wheel.

My car must be broken. Every time I fall asleep while driving it takes me to the hospital.

11 Minutes

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer ...

Cop: Why are you drunk behind the wheel?

Driver: My wife gave birth

Cop: Why is there a body in the trunk?

Driver: He's the father.

The Pope is visiting Canada.

After completing his visit, the Canadian government gives him a chauffeur-driven car to see the natural beauty of Canada. After 20 kilometers through Canada, he says to the driver:

"Oh, let me get behind the wheel. I'm from the narrow Papal States, and I always have to sit in the back of the...

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway... Glancing at the car he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting...

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn,and yelled,"PULL OVER"
"No!"the blond yelled back," its
a scarf.

Three men are outside of Heavens gate waiting to get in.

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.

The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3...

A modern day ghost story

Bill was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a fierce rain storm.

The night was rolling on, and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few meters ahead of him.

Suddenly through the swirling rain Bill saw a car slowly comi...

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A policeman stands near the road...

Waiting for some cars to pass by. Finally a family sedan appears in his sight and as the car approaches the officer gives a signal to the driver to pull up. A young man and a young woman are sitting on the front seats while an elderly pair had taken the seats behind them. The sedan stops and the pol...

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What could possibly wrong with Hitchhiking Nun

Neil is a skilled truck driver and drives the freeway every day. But Neil wouldn't be Neil were it that he sings a song every five minutes: "I'm Neil and I fuck behind the wheel".

And he sings this every five minutes.

At one point, Neil sees a nun hitchhiking along the highway. Neil ha...

English teacher: What is the first thing you do if you become ill?

Foreign student: I go to bed.

English teacher: No, before that?

Foreign student: I take off my clothes, of course!

English teacher: No, no, do you visit the doctor?

Foreign student: No! No doctors! I don't like doctors! My uncle went to doctor with chest pain, doctor said...

A married couple is driving...

down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him. "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce." The husband says nothing, but slowly turns up to speed to 60 mph.

"I don't want you to talk me out of it, because I've been hav...

The Pope takes his first trip to New York City...

The Popemobile didn't fit on the plane, so he gets an armored limousine. The driver, a Catholic, is eager to please, so he asks the Pope if there's anything he can provide, to which the Pope says:

"If it's not a bother, I'd actually love to drive, it's the only thing I miss about my pre-Pope ...

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So the Pope is on state visit...

So the Pope is on state visit to the US and is travelling in his limousine towards the hotel from JFK. Halfway there he tries to convince his chauffeur if he may drive it himself.

"Sorry mr Pope. 'Tis against company policy for clients to drive."

"Yeah but can't you make an exception j...

Joseph Stalin is being chauffeured to a meeting when he is struck by a sudden urge.

He taps on the glass partition to get the attention of his driver.

"Driver, I should like to take the wheel for some time. I have not driven in a long while."

"Sure, boss!" says the driver, and they switch places.

Well, Stalin is a devil behind the wheel. He gets to 6...

The president was being driven to an important meeting that he was running late for...

When he tells his chauffeur that he needs to go faster to get to the meeting on time. The chauffeur says that he's sorry, but can't go over the speed limit. The president can't miss this meeting so he decides to order the chauffeur into the back seat, while hopping behind the wheel to drive himself....

A cop sees a car parked in the local Lover's Lane with the windows all steamed up.

He goes over and taps on the window. The guy inside rolls it down.

The cop looks inside and sees the fellow sitting behind the wheel, fully dressed. There's a young lady sitting in the back seat, also fully dressed.

The cop says, "What are you doing out here?"

Guy says, "I'm wat...

Pulled Over

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath. He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."...

Cop pulls over a car for driving too slow

Cop walks up to the car & sees an elderly woman behind the wheel.

Cop: *Excuse me ma'am, can you tell me why you were driving so slow on the highway?*

Driver: *Officer, I was only going the speed limit. There was a sign back a half mile that said the it was 14mph.*

Cop: *...

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An english and an american guy drive through the netherlands

While both guys enjoying a nice drive, the police pops up behind them and activivates their siren.

The englisman behind the wheel pulls over and opens his window. The policeofficer looks closely at both men and says 'We are looking for two group rapists'

The englishman closes his wind...

A little old lady was driving ...

A little old lady was driving down a muddy one-lane road, no room to pass on either side. She gets stuck—an angry driver behind her starts to lean on the horn. She tries her best to get moving, backing up a little, going forward; she’s still stuck, and the guy behind her continues to lean on his hor...

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The pope is driving in a limousine...

He looks at his watch nervously and then at the driver: "Excuse me but could you go a bit faster, I have a meeting with the president and I really don't want to be late."
The driver responds: "With all due respect your hollynes, I can't go faster than the speed limit or I might lose my licence."...

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If your truck has truck nuts, where is your truck's dick?

Oh, right. Behind the wheel.

Why are women terrible drivers?

Because making sandwiches behind the wheel is a lot harder than making them in the kitchen.

A young man, a middle aged man and an old man are sitting in a car.

They are stopped at a bridge by a police officer. “Congratulatians, you are the millionth person to cross this bridge! You win €1000.” Says the police officer. The young man (who is behind the wheel) responds: “Nice! I can finaly get my drivers licence now!” “Don’t mind him he is drunk.” Says the m...

Help

Once after a heavy snowfall i was riding with a female co-worker. The roads had not yet been cleared of snow but we pushed ahead regardless, all the cars following in the same ruts. At the intersection the snowplow passed and left a pile of snow in front of us. We blew through it but it stalled the ...

A traveler was walking along the side of the road in Arizona, hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm;

Time passed slowly and no vehicles went by. It was raining so hard he could barely see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car approaching, moving slowly and appearing ghost-like in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride v...

A married man dies and goes to heaven

When he arrives at the pearly gates, he's greeted by Saint Peter who explains the rules. "Heaven is a very big place so everyone who enters is assigned a vehicle", he says. "The status of your vehicle corresponds with how faithful you were in your marriage." Since our hero only cheated on his wife o...

After the car skidded into the tree,

the first man on the scene found the driver still behind the wheel, dazed and bleeding.

“How badly are you hurt?” He enquired.

“How the hell should I know,” muttered the driver. “I’m a doctor not a lawyer.”

A farmer had a problem; His hogs were not mating. At the feed store he ran into the local veterinarian and

asked for advice. The vet said, “Farmer Heffelfinger here had that same issue and managed to resolve it himself by artificial insemination”.
The farmer, not knowing exactly what that term meant asked how he will know if it has worked.
“Well, they’l be real sleepy the next day”.
Back on t...

Why do big trucks have nuts on the trailer hitch, but no shaft?

Because the prick's behind the wheel

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are driving down the highway...

After they pass mile marker 16, a state trooper pulls them over for speeding. The trooper goes up to the window and sees Heisenberg behind the wheel.

Trooper: "Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going when you passed that mile marker?"
Heisenberg: "Well I certainly don't know now ...

Policeman stops car on highway...

Only to see dog behind the wheel with man sitting next to him.
"You can't just let your dog drive your car!" says policeman
"I can't really say anything sir, I'm just an hitchhiker"

Every Day in Florida

Two elderly ladies, Phyllis and Marge, were driving to a church gathering. Phyllis was behind the wheel while Marge rode shotgun, knitting. Out of the corner of her eye, Marge thought she saw a stop sign flash by and asked herself if perhaps Phyllis had blown past it, so she paid attention as they a...

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Trucker is hauling a B-double with three containers full of computer parts.

It's getting on toward dark, and so he stops at a steakhouse for a bite.

The first thing he sees is a sign on the door:

NO THONGS

NO SINGLETS

NO NERDS

MANAGEMENT RESERVES THE RIGHT TO REFUSE ADMISSION

No nerds? Weird. But whatever...

The Pope is visiting the US when suddenly...

... the phone rings in his room; there is an emergency in the Vatican and he needs to return immediately.

So the Pope has arrangements made for the first available flight back to Rome and a taxi cab.

The cab -unfortunately- takes ages to arrive and time is starting to run short.
...

Two Irishmen on Holiday

Two Irish farmhands, Mick and Paddy, got a holiday so they decided to go to Dublin. Lacking a vehicle they had no choice but to walk so down the road they went. Well, wouldn't ya know, after only a short while, Paddy stepped in a hole and sprained his ankle.

"Its too bad," says Mick. "Never m...

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Luke 14:10

A priest and a nun are driving in a car towards a monastery, priest behind the wheel.

Approaching the red light, priest places gently his hand on the nuns knee to which the nun looks at him and says:
-- Father, remember "Luke 14:10"
Priest apologies, removes his hand and keeps on drivi...

An officer pulls over a man and a woman for driving their late-model Mercedes coupe 20 miles per hour over the posted speed limit.

The officer approaches the car, seeing an affluent-looking late-50s gentleman behind the wheel and a striking woman at least 20 years younger—and bearing a diamond on her left ring finger worth at least a year of the officer's salary—in the passenger seat.

"I stopped you because you were goin...

Pope Francis gets a new car.

He's in Chicago for an appearance. His regular car is obviously not there and due to some mixup all they have is a huge SUV.

When Francis sees this beast he thinks for a second. "Hey, I've been kind of curious about these things. Do you mind if I drive?"

What are you supposed to say...

A short tale of Timmy

Timmy loved tractors. When he was growing up his room was covered in them. He had tractor wallpaper, a tractor bed, tractor sheets, tractor pillowcases and not to mention all of the tractor toys which he would lovingly play with every day.

On Timmy's 13th birthday his parents decided to take...

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The moral of the story.

One day a monkey was walking in the jungle when he heard a terrible screeching sound. He ran on further to find that an Ostrich was stuck in the deep mud near a watering hole. The monkey dare not try to go into the mud, he tried to find a branch from a tree.. but it was too small. He had no rope. Wa...

There's this penguin...

There's this penguin, driving through the South, the Deep South... late August. The hot months. "Ew! But it sure is hot!" the penguin lisped from behind the wheel of his choking jalopy.

Suddenly! The jalopy fails the penguin and he has to push it down a bumpy road to the next small town. He g...

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Pope Francis came to visit the US…

He was to address the UN in the morning, and give mass at Madison Square Garden later that day. After the UN address, the pope was given a chauffeur driven limo to get to MSG in time for the mass. Leaving the UN, he ran into New York City bumper-to-bumper traffic, and was stuck with the time for m...

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A young couple are traveling on a desert road in their new convertible. (NSFW)

The boyfriend is behind the wheel and tells the woman to take her clothes off. She is hesitant at first but after the boyfriend's constant reminders that they're alone in the desert she gives in and strips naked. "See," says the boyfriend, "it's just you and me, baby." The boyfriend starts having a ...

One day co-workers Alice and Bob were talking over the water cooler. Soon the conversation turned to Alice's husband Walter and his plans for the future.

"He's up for a promotion, but he's kinda screwed. He'd be moving up from the mail room to a position with some management responsibilities, but he never actually graduated college and that's usually a requirement. They like him though, so there's just one course he has to take and get a good grade i...

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