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2017 Jokes

RIP boiled water 2017-2017

You will be Mist.
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In 2017, i didn’t jog. In 2018 i didn’t jog. In 2019 i didn’t jog. In 2020 i didn’t jog.

This is a running joke
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Kinda scared for 2017

Because 2+0+1+7 is 10 - the exact number of nipples Hitler would have if he had 8 more

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In 2017, Trump went to meet Vladimir Putin in Moscow

They had dinner at the Kremlin and sat down afterwards for drinks and cigars and to discuss business.


After a while Putin asks Trump "hey, you wanna see something?" and he rings a little bell that's sitting on the coffee table.


A beautiful blonde walks in to the room, kneels in...

It is January 2017, and Barack Obama is giving Donald Trump a tour of the White House...

... when they come across an outdoor running track in the courtyard.


Trump asks "Why is this here?" To which Obama explains that since Lincoln, the United States has been secretly tracking how fast Presidents can run one mile - averaging about 10 minutes. Trump thinks for a second and t...
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Today i asked the hot girl at my gym what her New Year's resolution was.

She said "fuck you". So i'm pretty excited about 2017.

Your parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet.

Your parents in 2017: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS.
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In 2016, celebrities died and their legacies touched people.

In 2017, celebrities touched people and their legacies died.
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A black guy in a library asked me where the colored printer was

I replied, "Dude, it's 2017, you can use any printer you want."
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Help Requested: A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl.

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. They are box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodations. He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.


If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Chu...
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I don't support Trump, but I would never denigrate his supporters

If you're a Trump supporter, "denigrate" means "to put down."

What is Vladmir Putin's favorite hit 2017 song?

Despot-cito
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What did Johnny Depp's lawyer say when they found Amber Heard's "bruise makeup kit" wasn't made before 2017?

Objection, lack of foundation
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Me: “Dude, I can’t believe that 2017 was 7 years ago.”

Friend:”What do you mean, 7 years ago is like 2013..”

Me:”That’s why I ain’t believing it.”
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Sunday, March 4, 2017:

World Chess Championship. The hotel hosts a gala event with food and drink in the hotel lobby. The semi finalists are mingling. The final two are bragging about their respective stratagems for the final match. The desk clerk asks them to hang around. Because we all love to hear.... Two Chess nuts, b...
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My new years resolution for 2017

1920x1080
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Ever since 2017, my New Year’s resolution has been to work on my novel.

Four years going and I’ve almost finished reading it!
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January 20, 2017

The day America expires.
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What was the worst thing to come out in 2017?

Kevin Spacey
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Only pre-2017 kids will get this

A decent public education
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My goal for 2017....

....is to accomplish the goals of 2016 which I should have done in 2015 because I made a promise in 2014 and planned in 2013
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2017 Limerick: There once was a man from Nantucket

Who after several credible accusations of sexual harassment was forced to resign from his position of political power

2017 First UFO lands

Alien: "Take me to your leader."

*Alien is brought to Pres. Trump.

Alien: "Good one! Seriously though. This is important."
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Hard to believe it's 2017

I'm still writing "this is a nightmare fuck everything omg" on my checks.

My cat just passed...

RIP Fluffy McMittens

2002-2003 2003-2005 2005-2007 2007-2008 2008-2011 2011-2013 2013-2014 2014-2015 2015-2017
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The date is 20 January 2017.

The date is 20 January 2017. Donald Trump has just been sworn in as President. He walks to the mic for his inauguration speech. He looks at Obama and says "You're Fired"
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All I want to say about 2017...

...is that it was an odd year.
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I can't believe Earth is 2017 years old!

...plus a couple billion years...
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I vowed to quit drinking for 2017

Today my journey begins with success
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What do you call a cleavage in 2017?

Silicone Valley.
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2017 has been great so far

So far
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Imagine us waiting for 2017 but out comes

2016S
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My New Year's resolution for 2017 was to lose 10 pounds.

Only 12 more to go.
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By far the best black friday deal of 2017...

My bank account, with a 100% balance discount.
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I just traded four rolls of toilet paper and a package of baby wipes for a 2017 Maserati.

I am going to miss that car.
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"Top 10 Most Dangerous Occupations in the US 2017" revealed

High school student in poll position
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Ocean's 8 is expected to come out in late 2017

but probably won't be ready until at least 30 minutes after that
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My 2017 resolution is to find a new job

Turns out being Mariah Carey's sound guy wasn't a good fit
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Now that 2017 is over, I would like to say thanks to my neighbors...

you were always by my side.
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What does NSA stand for (as of apr 5, 2017) ?

Nuñes Steps Aside
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I hate it when people mention forgetting about their 2017 problems.

I'm coming into 2018 with 2012 problems
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My Brother has 2 tickets to the 2017 Super Bowl -- HELP!

My brother has 2 tickets to the upcoming Super Bowl! He was so excited and paid the $3,500 for each ticket as soon as they went on sale. However, he didn't realize that the game would land on the day of his wedding..

If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.. It will...
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Chris Pine was approached to star in Christopher Nolan's 2017 WW2 beach epic...

"No thanks, I've done Kirk"
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2010: Didn't jog.

2011: Didn't jog.

2012: Didn't jog.

2013: Didn't jog.

2014: Didn't jog.

2015: Didn't jog.

2016: Didn't jog.

2017: Didn't jog.

2018: Didn't jog.

2019: Didn't jog.

2020: Didn't jog.

2021: Didn't jog.

2022: Still haven't jogge...
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Just heard on Reddit: Starting 2017, all Reddit karma will be accepted in Heaven!

Original content!
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So the 2017 World Chess Championships are being held in Iran. There's going to be some rule changes:

Queens won't be able to move without the king's permission, and bishops will face summary execution for spreading the word of the false prophet
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My doctor told me to stay away from trans fats...

But it's 2017 and I'll date who I want
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In the political correctness of 2017, is it still ok to call my wife the "ol ball and chain"?

Or is that rude to the ball and chain?
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What would George Washington say if you told him that in 2017 it's now possible to eat breakfast in Tokyo, lunch in Paris, and dinner in Chicago?

"WTF is Chicago?"
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Dear Santa -- For 2017, all I want is a SLIM body and a BIG FAT bank account.

Please don't mix it up like last year.
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A driver is swerving on the road, and is flagged down by a police officer.

As he approaches the window, the officer catches a potent whiff of alcohol.

"Sir," the officer asks, "do you know when you started drinking and how much you've had to drink tonight?"

The driver responds in a slurred voice, "Officer, I can't tell you how much I've had, but I do rememb...
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Remember: Having sex on regular basis helps keep your memory alive

Remember: Having sex on regular basis helps keep your memory alive

I wish you all a great 2017.

Tide announced the new motto for their pods line.

Cleaning the gene pool since 2017.
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Google pizza

- Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir it's Google pizza.
- Ah okay, wrong number
- No sir, Google bought Gordon's
- Okay. Then can I order please...
- Do you want the usual?
- The usual? You know my usual?
- According to our caller ID, the last 12 times you ordered pizza with cheese...
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My New Years Resolution is to get a girlfriend

After what happened in 2020, i didn't get the chance to, but 2021 will be the year.

~~After what happened in 2019, i didn't get the chance to, but 2020 will be the year.~~

~~After what happened in 2018, i didn't get the chance to, but 2019 will be the year.~~

~~After what happe...
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Three men get their wives birthday presents.

The first man, a lawyer, tells the other men “I got my wife a trip to the Bahamas and a pearl necklace. She loves pearls, so if she doesn’t enjoy the trip, I know she’ll like the necklace.”

The second man, a doctor, says “I got my wife a brand new 2017 BMW and a Louis Vuitton handbag she’s ha...

Guys, if anyone is interested, a friend of mine got an invitation to the 2017 Berlin Marathon for Christmas. But it's the same day of his wedding. So if anyone wants (and is able) to go, everything is paid.

St. Mary's church @ 6pm. Bride's name is Lisa.
Just go there, get married and you're done.
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Did you know that a very good memory is often a sign of an excellent lover?

I read that on February 11, 2017 in the New England Journal of Behavioral studies issue 2016-Q3.
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My wife and i have been happily married for two years

2012 and 2017
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Scientists claims that 85% of rainforests will be gone by 2025

but if we worked really hard, we can do it by the end of 2017
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I was outside school last week. One of the other parents came over and asked me what year my daughter was in.

I said "2017"
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A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."


2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffec...
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If President Trump passes away while in office, he will never admit it because...

...he'll continue tweeting denials about it from the grave:

===

---

>>###Yes, it is true - Tupac Shakur, the great Afro-American musician, called me about getting together for a meeting. We met, HE IS A GREAT GUY!

>>— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) Decembe...
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The Trump Years in a Nutshell

2016: Trump doesn't stand a chance.
2017: Trump's still trying?
2018: "Hey, are you guys going to watch the hunger games tonight? I hope my district wins"
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The mailman told me he's off to Spain tomorrow...

So I asked him if he is off to Parcelona. He then proceeded to ignore what is my best joke of 2017.

Well did you say it right? The key to a good mailman's joke is the delivery.
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In order to finish my 2016 resolution, i cut off my left leg...

That way, I'll reach my goal of losing 20 pounds AND start 2017 off on the right foot!
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A male pornstar was charged with murder and sentenced to death by hanging. The day before his execution, the warden asked: "what would you like inscribed on your tombstone?"

...

...

...

...



"Hank

1980-2017

He was well hung"

A priest, a holy roller and a rabbi have a contest to convert a bear to their religion

The rabbi tries first. The priest and holy roller end up visiting him in the hospital.

The priest says "Maybe I shouldn't have *begun* with circumcision."

-Garrison Keillor, News From Lake Wobegone, Jan 21, 2017
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At 11.59pm I took a massive dump

I wanted to leave all that 2017 shit behind.

A husband went to the sheriffs department to report his wife missing.

A husband went to the sheriffs department to report his wife missing.

Husband: My wife is missing she went shopping yesterday and hasn't come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I'm not sure a little over five foot tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband:...
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Looking back 2016 was a very eventful year.

But I guarantee 2017 will trump it.
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I hate when people use the year as a justification to an opinion.

Its 2017, we should be way past that.
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2000: Don't talk to people on the internet or get into stranger's cars

2017: Literally talk to strangers online to get INTO their cars.
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