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2018 Jokes

In 2017, i didn’t jog. In 2018 i didn’t jog. In 2019 i didn’t jog. In 2020 i didn’t jog.

This is a running joke

Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics?

It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for

I'm going to buy a 6k monitor for 2018

It's my new year's resolution.

After 23 school shootings in 2018

We did it. We finally banned straws.

Why was 2018 scared of 2020?

Because 2020 and 2019 got in a fight...and 2021.
.

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My black friend and I were in the library when he asked where the coloured printer was.

I said, "Shit, man, it's 2018. You can use whatever printer you want."

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Today i asked the hot girl at my gym what her new year resolutions were.

She said «Fuck you». So im pretty excited for 2018

A Frenchman, an Argentine, and a Brazilian were publicly drinking in Russia during the 2018 World Cup.

But that is prohibited there, so they were captured by the police and taken to court.



The judge said that as the country was celebrating, they would take only 20 lashes, with the right to have a wish That wasn't be escape the punishment.



The Frenchman was the first, the...

A 2018 report showed that the vast majority of bankers have no close friends

Apparently they're all loaners

3 men were waiting in line to enter heaven

The angel at the gate asks the first man
"how many times did you cheat on your wife?" "10 times" the man answers. The angel gives him the keys to a 2010 Toyota Camry "this is how you will drive around heaven".
The second man says he cheated on his wife 5 times, the angel gives him a 2018 Lexus...

2018 is shooting past so fast in the UK....

We're mid-way through November, but it feels like the end of May!

FIFA World Cup 2018

A frenchman alks down the street, where he bumps into an Englishman

The Frenchman asks: How are you, what are you up to?"

Englishman: " Ah, nothing much, playing the Croatians in the World Cup tomorrow!"

Frenchman: "What a coincidence...?! We're playing them on Sunday!"

A Reflexion on 2018

I know a lot of people thought 2018 sucked and that 2019 is better, but to me 2018 was full of awesome memories and things i’ll never forget.

So much so I remember it like it was yesterday

Walmart announced the closing of 175 stores in 2018

Putting 12 cashiers out of work

What is United Kingdom's top song for December 2018?

"All I want for Christmas is EU"

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I can't believe that even in 2018, I can't wear my mini skirt to work..

And the only "reason" for that is apparently my dick is showing.

In 2018 I've had a horrible relationship with autocorrect.

But hey...

New Year, New Mexico

What passes for a joke in 2018?

This.

So 2018 is the Chinese year of the dog...

Looks like it's gonna be ruff

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Karma ranks 899th in popularity in 2018 as a girl’s name but choose it at your own risk.

Because they say “Karma’s a bitch.”

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Psychic Prediction Convention 2018

[CLOSED] Due to unforeseen circumstances.

The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed

The label says the expiry date is June 2018.

I'm so glad they dug it up just in time

Grindr got hacked in March of 2018.

Looks like someone found the back door.

Which country brought the most competitors to the 2018 Winter Olympics?

Brazil. They brought 8 Brazilian athletes.

Looking for r/Jokes Rewind 2018

All I can find here is 2015s jokes.

On January 13, 2018, everyone in Hawaii was mad about the malfunction of the early warning system, the fools…

Hawaii IS the early warning system…

What did the Helsinki Summit have in common with the 2018 World Cup?

Nobody was playing for the USA.

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So in 2018: my love left me, my dream is likely unreachable now, my future plan is shit and I have $15 in my bank account...

My life fits this sub so well.

Twas the night 2018

Twas the night 2018

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the web
The president was tweeting as the market went red
The government was closed because of a wall
In hopes that Mexico, would pay for it all

The people were nestled, their head in their hands
While visi...

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According to a new 2018 opinion poll:

Penises are out and Vaginas are in.

What's the difference between the 2018 Fifa World Cup and 21 Savage?

Only one came home.

Everytime I see youtube rewind 2018 I feel better

Seeing the dislike count rising that is.

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2018 Super bowl.

Both box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding.  If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at St Christopher’s Church, in Baldwin at 3pm. Her name is Ashley, she's 5'4", about ...

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instead of trying to change your entire life in 2018, why don't you start small?

like using your fucking turn signal

What would God's 10 commandments be called in 2018?

Top 10 Commandments from God©

Q: What is the scariest Halloween decoration theme for 2018?







A: Saudi Arabian consulate

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2018 was the first year with teen porn stars born in a different millennium

2019 will be the first year with "milf" porn starts born in a different millennium

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YouTube Review 2018 actually does represent the year 2018 pretty well...

Shitty

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There was a man who had three girlfriends – repost updated for 2018

There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5,000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a Brazilian wax, a new hair color, LASIK – the works...

USSR Joke Adapted For 2018

On a tour of Washington D.C. a young man lags behind the tour group to take a longer look at the White House. However, he was quite upset with the President and in a moment of anger he shouts across the lawn "The President is a disgusting pig". As he turns to walk away the D.C. police quickly arrest...

My New Year Resolution for 2018 is...

Buying bitcoin in 2011!

Meteorologists have forecast snow throughout the US for the entire year of 2018

Flake news

My resolution for 2018 is to stay in shape

Lucky for me, round is a shape

Welcome to the 2018 Golden Globes

Where Hollywood will pat itself on the back and several men will pat Hollywood on the front

How is the government in 2018 like a diner?

No substitutions!

I will do something good for my country in year 2018

I will leave the country.

My 2018 health insurance premiums went up 40% but I'll be paying 30% less than the previous year.

Because I won't have any money left for food or rent so I'll probably die half way through the year.

What do you call 23 men watching the World Cup 2018?

The Scotland National Team.

What do you get when you combine Battlefront II with the internet of 2018?

Pai to play

Think Positive for 2018. Jonathan Ross was out walking when he was knocked to the ground by a giant dog which stood over him barking. He thought..

..it's good to have a woof over your head.

“There is no God” -Stephen Hawking, 2011

“There is no Stephen Hawking” -God, 2018

If Liverpool wins, somebody warn the Pope!

1981:

1. A British prince gets married

2. Liverpool wins the Champions League

3. The Pope dies

2005:

1. A British prince gets married

2. Liverpool wins the Champions League

3. The Pope dies

2018:

1. A British prince gets married

2...

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I overheard a man in the changing room

I was in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a phone rings. The guy next to me answers it while he was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I instantly thought, "What a smug bastard!"

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

W...

Me: Sarcasm doesn't get you anywhere.

Dad: Well, it got me to the "Sarcasm World Championships" in Uruguay in 2018.

Me: Really?

Dad: No

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Remember, having sex on a regular basis helps keep your memory healthy and functioning properly.

Here’s to an unforgettable new year!! Happy 2018, everyone!!

My New Years Resolution is to get a girlfriend

After what happened in 2020, i didn't get the chance to, but 2021 will be the year.

~~After what happened in 2019, i didn't get the chance to, but 2020 will be the year.~~

~~After what happened in 2018, i didn't get the chance to, but 2019 will be the year.~~

~~After what happe...

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Christmas wishes

Afternoon all, just wanted to take a minute to wish you all a very merry Christmas and a happy year, most of all good health!
These days people don't spend much time or thought on some personal words to their friends and family, they just copy and paste some random shit and send it on.
So, aft...

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I was offered sex with a beautiful 21 year old woman

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.

Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower.

Just as strong as *Ajax*, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available scented with lemon or vanilla. Buy now!
...

If some part of your job feels utterly pointless, remember

Putin campaigned for the 2018 elections.

Parents in 1998: Don't believe everything you read on the internet

Parents in 2018: Did you know that dogs will die if you feed them ice cubes?

1848: You Have Died of Dysentery

2018: You Have Died From Having To Pump Your Own Gas

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Should have kept his mouth shut.

A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a ...

I hate it when people talk about their 'spirit animals'

It's 2018, you can say fursona.

The Trump Years in a Nutshell

2016: Trump doesn't stand a chance.
2017: Trump's still trying?
2018: "Hey, are you guys going to watch the hunger games tonight? I hope my district wins"

I'm sorry

In 2013 Steven Hawking said God didn't exist

In 2018 God said Steven Hawking didn't exist

Man falls in a coma in 1956

In 2018

**Man wakes up from a coma in a hospital**

Man-“ What year is it?”

Doctor-“ 2018”

Man-“What has changed?”

Doctor- “People think that the world is flat now”

Man- “Can you put me back in a coma?”

Elon Musk takes out a loan

The year is 2020.


Elon musk walks into a bank in London and asks for the loan officer. He says says he is going to space on a business trip for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

The loans officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so Elon Musk ...

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Viagra says to seek help for an erection lasting more than 4 hours

Well what do I do if my erection lasts from 2018 to 2019?

Your mom is so fat

Your mom is so fat, she's both in 2018 and 2019 at the same time.

Son: Dad, why is my sister’s name Rose?

Me: Because your mom loves roses.

Son: What about me?

Me: It's a long story, FIFA World Cup™ Russia 2018.

I met the author of IT yesterday

He told me about the upcoming sequel to the 2018 movie based on the book. Apparently it was called IT chapter 2 and everything. I was stunned, incredulous even. I asked him, "Are you joking?"

He said, "No, I am Stephen King!"

Robert Kraft - 7 rings.

Robert Kraft:

- 2001 Super Bowl Ring
- 2003 Super Bowl Ring
- 2004 Super Bowl Ring
- 2014 Super Bowl Ring
- 2016 Super Bowl Ring
- 2018 Super Bowl Ring
- 2019 Prostitution Ring

I wonder who's watching me now, the IRS?

1984 paranoid ramblings

2018 passing remark

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If you started having sex at 11:59:59 on New Years Eve....

You would’ve finished at exactly the start of 2018.

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