UPJOKE

What Do You Jokes

What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?

Don't let him drive that cargo freighter,

don't let him steer that cargo freighter,

don't let him near that cargo freighter,

early in the morning.

What do you call someone who speaks three languages? Trilingual. What do you call someone who speaks two languages? Bilingual. What do you call someone who speaks one language?

American

What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism?

No more jokes about the profit.

What do you call Andrew Tate in a Romanian prison?

In-cell

EDIT: I don't have time to reply to all the great comments here but THANK YOU ALL for the lols! Seriously, laughed out loud at a bunch of these, I'm rolling!

EDIT EDIT: Thanks as well to the kind Redditor who referred me to the suicide helpline over this. I'm fine, but clearly ...

What do you call an IQ of 160 in the marines?

A Platoon.

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?

You pull the pin and throw it back!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a man who's lost 95% of his brain capacity?

Horny.

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig

What do you call a Jewish rapper?

Doctor Dreidel

The cop asked, "Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?"

The miner replied, "Mine."

What do you get when you spell “man” backwards?

Flashbacks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a guy with a small dick?

Just-in!

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.



You were expecting a joke about pi? On my cake day?

What do you call a hot babe you met at a party that's blackout drunk?

An Uber

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a boner at a funeral?

Mourning wood.

What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?

Diabetes.

What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day?

^btw ^I ^waited ^1 ^whole ^year ^to ^tell ^this ^joke

What do you get when you spell "man" backwards?

Flashbacks

What do you call a fake Sudanese person?

… a *pseudonese*

What do you call a Muslim bodybuilder?

A muscleman

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

You get kicked out of sea world…

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

Banned from Seaworld



Cake day so time to Karma Farm, and I can't see this joke posted

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear

My 8 year old daughter told me this joke

What do you call a belt made out of lobsters?

A waist of good seafood

I know it’s bad but I heard it in a dream and had to share

[NSFW] What do you call a gamer with erectile dysfunction?

Ubisoft

One sinking sub is called The Titan, what do you call a fleet of sinking subs?

Reddit.

What do you call a man who gives students money?

Grant

What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a man with a knife in each leg?

You call him a fucking ambulance!!

What do you get when you mix holy water with laxatives?

A religious movement.

What do you call a Muslim flying a plane?

The pilot you frickin' racist!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cockpit when the pilots are female?

The box office.

What do you call a communist sniper?

A marxman.

What do you use when you haven't got a condom?

A fake name.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a masturbating Vegan?

A WeedWhacker (sorry if it’s awful first time on this sub)

What do you think is history's SHORTEST joke? My submission is Miss Piggy's 2 worder :

"Pretentious? ...*MOI ?"*

What do you get, when you cross an Eldritch Horror, with an E-Girl?

CthUwU.

What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus?

An immediate cessation of funding and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee

What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A civil serpent.

What do you call J.K. Rowling in space?

AstroTERF

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a nun on a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

What do you call a politician with half a brain?

Gifted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey ladies, what do you call a guy that doesn’t eat pussy?

You don't.

What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?

Rick O’Shea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get if you cross a pirate and a paedophile?

Arrr Kelly!

What do you call a Magician that looses his magic?

Ian

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?

A father in law

What do you call an Arab who has been injured in a bombing?

An ambulance, you racist!

What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Yo momma.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] What do you call a haunted pair of breasts?

BoOoOoOoOobs

What do you get when you try to crossbreed a human and a moose?

Arrested apparently

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin’ catholic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you feed a woman to stop her from giving blowjobs?

Wedding cake

what do you call a guy with 15 and a half rabbits up his bum?

Kyle. My names Kyle.

What do you call a hippies' wife?

Mississippi

What do you call a dragon without its silver?

Dr\_ \_on

It's a stupid science joke that lives in my head rent free.

What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line.

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant (with twins)

What do you call a waffle on a California beach?

A Sandy Eggo.
- Compliments of my cousin's 6 year old daughter (She says "Hi" by the way).

-EDIT: Wow, this blew up a lot more than I thought it would. My first gold and my first post to make it to the front page. You are too kind, Reddit.

What do you call a Mexican guy who's car broke down?

Joaquin

What do you call an emo a capella group?

Self Harmony

What do you get when you combine human DNA with seal DNA?

You get banned from SeaWorld.

What do you get when you cross elephant DNA with Human DNA?

A lifetime ban from the zoo.

What do you call an army of babies?

An infantry

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

What do you call a disease with many followers?

Influenza.

What do you call a witch that only eats sand?

malnourished

What do you call immigrants to Sweden?

Artificial Swedeners

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a penis that disappears?

A Magic Johnson.

What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?

Unemployed

What do you call someone with both Type 1 and Type 2 Diabetes

Ambidextrose

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?

Vector quantitties

What do you call a thief who keeps the things he stole on public display?

British

What do you call a joke with only two upvotes?

Original material.

What do you get if you divide a pumpkins circumference by its diameter?

Pumpkin π

Sorry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross Viagra and Donald Trump???

Erection Fraud.

Dont hate me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call perspiration from sex in Alabama?

Relative humidity.

What do you call fifty guys watching the Super Bowl?

The Detroit Lions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a virgin who lives in Alabama?

An orphan

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call 5 black people having sex?

A threesome

What do you call a musician with no girlfriend?

Homeless

What do you get if you cross Bill Clinton and Donald Trump?

Found in your cell, unresponsive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the sexuality where you're attracted to men and women but neither are attracted to you?

Bi-yourself.

What do you call an emo with a flat chest?

a cutting board

What do you call crystal clear urine?

1080pee

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd-year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as a S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana...

What do you call a boat full of polite football players?

A good sportsman ship



I'm sorry

What do you call a cow that's stopped producing milk?

An udder failure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call sex with an immigrant?

Foreignercation

Foreigner-cation, for those not seeing it. Props to ImMrSneezyAchoo.

What do you get for winning a muscle loss competition?

Atrophy.

What do you call DJT being indicted?

Unpresidented

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who's sexually attracted to trees?

A leaf blower.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 75?

Your Honor!

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?

Senator!

What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?

2 kilomockingbirds

What do you call something you can serve but can't eat?

A volleyball.

What do you call a comedian in China?

Dead.

What do you call a person who saw an apple store getting robed?

An iWitness.

What do you call a Bee hive with no exits?

Unbelievable.

What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Prostitute that only gives hand jobs?

Jack off all trades

What do you call friends you like to eat with?

Tastebuds

What do you call two old men drooling in their wheelchairs?

The 2028 election.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is at all times?

A widow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a butt plug being used by a guy?

A manhole cover

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, on the floor?

Mat.


What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, in the ocean?

Bob.


What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, in the desert?

Fucked.

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call sweaty boobs?

Humidititties

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call 6.02*10^23 butts?

Molasses

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

what do you call a security guard at a Samsung store

"A guardian of the galaxys"

my 11yo told me this one yesterday, and i thought it needed to be shared with the world 🤣

What do you call a 25 cent hooker?

A quarter pounder.

What do you call a beauty pageant for still-borns?

Little Miss Carriage

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for years?

Church

What do you call a fat psychic?

A four chin teller.

What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah’s Witness?

Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who runs out of protein?

No Whey José.

What do you call a hot chick in Boston?

A tourist

What do you call a person who's an expert in American culture and politics?

A European Redditor.

What do you call a dog that floats?

A good bouy

Courtesy of my 6yo daughter: What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth?

A Flossiraptor

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philippe Philoppe.

What do you call a french man wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillop

What do you call a Russian with Covid?

Kalashnicough

What do you call a Scottish man who’s lost his dog?

Douglas

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off.

What do you do with 365 used condoms?

Melt them down, make a tyre and call it a good year.

My 7 yr old just made this one up: What do you say when a dinosaur farts?

That was a blast from the past!

What do you call Bob the Builder when he retires?

Bob.

What do you call the cleavage between breast implants?

Silicon Valley

What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?

A waist of time.

What do you call a group of deaf people?

I don’t know. But it is definitely not herd.

What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?

Laughing stock.

What do you call a bunch of employees caught sleeping on the job?

A Dream Team.

What do you call a heavy metal band With financial problems?

Megadebt

What do you call someone who gets turned on by every naked person they see ?

A showerhead

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call Harley Quinn's genitals?

Insane Clown Pussy

What do you call the combination of Tesla, SpaceX, and The Boring Company?

3Musketeers

What do you get when you shoot four bullets into a six pack?

A Tupac...

What do you call a sad cup of coffee?

Depresso..

If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye?

Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

What do you call it when a sixty year old man suddenly starts reading the Bible?

Cramming for finals.

What do you call batman when he skips church?

Christian Bale

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