UPJOKE

Three Time Jokes

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My mate said he'd seen another bloke put his arms around my girlfriend three times.

" off," I said, "nobody's got arms that long"

It was only three times... promise.

Sam was very ill and it looked like the end might be approaching so he calls his wife Becky near. Sam says to her, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?"

Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Becky,...

Three times a week

A husband and wife go to a counsellor after 15 years of marriage. The counsellor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counsellor gets up, goes around the d...

Recently asked a friend, "What's the worst thing about being divorced three times?"

With some thought, he finally said, “Well, all of them were pretty good house keepers...”

“How is that a bad thing?” I wondered.

He replied, “Every time I've divorced, they've kept my house.”

On her death bed, the Sheriff's wife confesses that she cheated on him three times, but swears it was always for a good reason. He asks what happened,

and she says, "Well, the first time, remember when Dr. Smith said he we couldn't afford the operation, and then he changed his mind and did it for free?" He says yes, and forgives her. "And the second time, do you remember when our boy got a DUI, and the judge let him off with probation?" He says ye...

When i was a boy, i had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to stay alive...

It’s a good thing my brother told me about it

Did you know Chuck Norris prays three times per day?

Yeah, he checks if God needs anything.

Why should you never do drugs three times in one night?

Over dos.

There's only three times in the year that I'll consume alcohol.

Before work, during work and after work.

My boss asked me why I've already been late three times this week

I told him because it's only Wednesday

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One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.

"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my on the bedpost three times.
It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"
The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night.
So before climbing into bed with his wife, he...

My doctor called three times...

...just to tell me my astrology sign! And he wasn’t even right! And they call themselves “professionals”.

My father laughs at a joke three times.

Once when he hears it, once when you explain it to him, and once when he understands it.

If you have a cat and seem to be having allergy issues simply wash your cat three times a day

And it will leave

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I made my girlfriend three times.

Which isn't great over a period of 7 months.

A blonde laughs at a joke three times

Once when it is told.

Two minutes later, when it is explained to her.

A week later, when she gets it.

After watching Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, I feel a little sick.

Must be the high Mercury content.

Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?

To prevent bat breathe.








Edit : it's breath (sorry for the typo)

Our soccer team is so bad that our opponents hit the bar three times in the first half of today’s match.

They could have at least waited till the end to celebrate.

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I’ve only been in prison for half an hour and have been fucked up the three times…

…my uncle doesn’t mess about playing monopoly

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I just read that the average person has at least three times a week.

They must have a really well paying job. I can only afford it once a month!

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The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the drinks went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit pissed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the...

Say "Unreliable Airline" three times fast.

Delta
Delta
Delta

Grandpa: In my day we worked three times as hard.

Me: In your day soda contained cocaine.

If you scream three times...

At night, if you lock yourself in a bathroom with lights off and scream Allahu Ackbar three times the CIA will come through your mirror and take you to Guantanamo Bay.

A friend of mine told me he's been robbed at gunpoint three times.

I said "What are you, an idiot? Just stop going there."

"Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer"

They should make condoms...

I made this up today! What do you call a guy who's been left at the old persons home three times in a week?

Jerry hat trick.



(Geriatric)

A couple have been married 25 years, and one day, the husband found a box in the attic with three bonnets and $2,500.

He asked his wife and she responded, "Every time I got mad at you, I knitted a bonnet." The husband was proud that in 25 years, he had only angered his wife three times.

"OK," he said, "that explains the bonnets, but what about the $2,500 dollars?"

The wife smiled and said, "That's mon...

Why did the man get cancer three times?

Because after the first time he got tumor.

My buddy sidled up next to me at the club and said, "Hate to be the one to break this to you, but I just saw some dude put his arms around your girl three times." I laughed and told him I didn’t believe him because...

Nobody’s got arms that long.

A polish man finds a magic lamp that has a genie.

Its the usual schtick, 3 wishes and all. So the man says to the genie, I want for a horde of mongolians to come to my country, kill and pillage, and go home.

The genie thinks this is odd, but obliges. The mongolians make it to the farmlands at the border, kill and pillage, then return home....

Intensity is inferior to three times as much as tension.

Because I < 3 U.

I am a widower three times over.....

My first wife died when she ate some poisonous mushrooms from the yard.
My second wife died from eating the same mushrooms.
My third wife fell down the stairs because she wouldnt eat the mushrooms.

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"


Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at ...

I've been married three times. The second marrige was very turbulent and ended in total chaos.

It was a bad case of mid-wife crisis.

A blind man enters a bar and asks the Barkeeper "Wanna hear a joke about blondes?"

Suddenly, the bar is as silent as a grave. A guy next to the blind man leans over and whispers

"Dude, be carefull. The barkeeper is blonde and an ex-soldier. The bouncer is also blonde and the reigning box champion of the city. And then there is Joe... he's just released from prison after he...

“I cuddle with my husband about two or three times a week.”

“I cuddle with my husband about two or three times a week.”

“Yeah? Me just once.”

“Oh, but wait, I thought you were single.”

“Ah I see. I thought we were talking about your husband.”

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Daughters.

A mother had three virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period Because Mom was a bit worried about how their life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital felt.

The first girl se...

Two old friends who hadn’t seen each other for decades meet up one day. Bob says, “What’s new?” Ralph says, “I’ve been married three times. All three wives died.”

“All three...what happened?”

“My first wife died from eating poison mushrooms. My second wife died from eating poison mushrooms. My third wife died from a blow to the head.”

“A blow to the head...what happened?”

“She wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”

(With thanks to Henny Youn...

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I’m in a loving marriage of 14 years and still have three times a week.

I hope my wife doesn’t find out.

I have green skin, a nose three times the size of the horn on my head, four brown teeth and my neck is covered in furry scales... what am I?

Ugly!

At a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket was waiting for the bus..

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thin...

An FBI agent was called in to speak to the manager of a bank that had been robbed three times in a row by the same guy.

He asked what kind of distinguishing things can you describe about this man? Height, weight, distinguishing tattoos, clothes?

The manager said, "what I noticed was that he seemed to be better dressed each time."

Why did Waldo grow a manbun, a beard and start meditating three times a day?

Waldo found himself

The confession

A Priest in a small town was called away for an emergency on a Sunday afternoon while he was about to hear confessions.

Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, and having no one else to assist him he called his Rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for h...

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On average, an American man will have

two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have only one or two times a year. This is upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

For a change of pace, here's a limerick; "( (12 + 144 + 20 + 3 Sqrt[4]) / 7 ) + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0"

Sorry, did that not make any sense?

How about -

>"A dozen, a gross, and a score,
>
>plus three times the square root of four,
>
>divided by seven,
>
>plus five times eleven,
>
>is nine squared and not a bit more."

He saved his family three times in the Taken films and got no thanks.

The next one should be called Taken 4: Granted

A man has his mother-in-law move in with him when she lost her job.

About a week later, he returns home from his job and finds her laying on the floor, unconscious. He calls 911, the ambulance comes and takes her off to the hospital.

He calls his wife and tells her she may have to cut her business trip short, but he'll keep her posted.

He gets to the ...

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A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". T...

"Peter, you will deny me three times before the sun rises." Jesus said in the Bible.

"No, I won't" Peter replied.

&nbsp;

"Yes, you will."

&nbsp;

"No, I won't, my Lord!"

&nbsp;

"Yes, you WILL!"

&nbsp;

"No, I WON'T! ...wait"

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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes ...

A hunting joke ( read full it's totally worth it)

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.  As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a...

An old women goes to the doctor

She says to the doctor, "I have a really embarrassing problem and I have finally convinced myself to come and see you"

"You see, I constantly fart, but they don't smell and they don't make any noise so it hasn't bothered me all these years. I've even farted three times since coming into your ...
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