UPJOKE
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Side Note Jokes

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How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

What do you call a group of super hero orphans?

The Mighty Orphan Power Rangers.

Side note: I came up with this one today so it's as original AFAIK. Apparently orphan jokes are popular at my children's school and at least the one I came up with isn't cruel.

What can you say about a narcissistic man with 2 personalities who's trying to ask himself out but keeps getting rejected?

He's in a love-hate relationship.



(Side note: you ever just...be at work...and turn around...and start working backwards? :) )

I’m giving up on these electric toothbrushes. Mine goes through 2 batteries a week and always starts to smell like fish.

On an unrelated side note, my girlfriend has been in a good mood lately.

Saw a woman get her nipple pierced in front of me at the bar last night.

On a side note, I am absolutely terrible at darts.

Today is National Puzzle Day and National Corn Chip Day

I thought of a joke, but couldn't quite piece it together. Side note: corn chip puzzles are difficult to assemble but they taste good!

Thank goodness it's my first cake day!

The other day, I set a world record for the fastest Shake Weight reps..

.. on a side note, my doctor said I need to start taking my epilepsy medication regularly, but it slows me down.

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When I was eight my grandfather told me...

There was this small pond in the woods and above it a fly was buzzing back and forth.

On the edge of the pond was a frog. The frog thought to itself, “If only that buzzing fly were a little lower I could hop up over the pond and eat it for my lunch.”

On a branch in the tree next to th...

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Why is a massage like a fairy tale?

They're both better with a happy ending.

Side note- female here, was having a non-sexual massage in a mall yesterday, from a little Asian lady who was probably in her late 50s. Somehow it was almost a happy ending, although unintentionally on both sides. As I was lying there wondering what t...

Please help me find my lost horse, Black Beauty.

The horse was last seen near the white fence I was repainting.
Side note, is anyone missing a zebra?

I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink when it's a friend's birthday.

On a side note are you on Facebook?

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

It wasn’t peeling well..


Side note: I was dressed as a banana for halloween and a 6 year old princess told me this joke.

My notebook got wet in the rain and I lost most of my school assignments.

On a side note, I still managed to save a few of them.

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NSFW An Aussie ventriloquist is driving through New Zealand

An Australian ventriloquist is driving through New Zealand. His car breaks down and he has to walk to the nearest farm.

He gets to the farm and asks the farmer if he can use the phone. The farmer agrees, and the Australian calls for a mechanic.The mechanic is going to take a couple of hour...

My wife and I made lists of people we're allowed to sleep with

She chose Ryan Gosling, and I chose the babysitter, and I *won*, and now she's mad at me.

 
 
 





Side note: I originally heard this joke on Dr. Katz, but cannot remember who the comedian was. Anybody happen to know? It's bugging me.

I decided at a young age that I would get buried in the same way as my father

Unfortunately gangsters buried him alive

Side note,could someone please send help

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Irishman walks into a bar in the states and walks to the Bar and orders 3 pints...

And the bartender says, i’m sorry sir here in the states we can only serve you one at a time. The Irishman responds by explaining “you see it comes from when me and me’ two brothers left the old country to different parts of the world, and we said every Saturday we would enter a pub and order 3 pint...

On the immigration debate, Donald Trump said of other countries: "They're not sending us their best people."

On a side note, Mary Anne MacLeod illegally migrated to the US in 1929. A few years later she gave birth to Donald Trump.

So he may have a point.

Why did the horseman Pestilence, take his horse to the vet?

Because it was disease ridden.


Side note: I tried posting this awhile back and worded it badly, its original though i made it up while watching Supernatural.

Spanglish joke

A lady in a tight skirt is at the front of a line of people trying to get on a bus. She starts to climb the stairs but stops, apparently unable to lift her feet high enough due to the restrictive skirt.

A man behind her attempts to pick her up, and she swats his arms away, saying "ya lo pues"...

My friend has a PHD.

Even though he only has a Public Highschool Diploma, he has been living a pretty happy life.

Side note: My father loves to make this joke, so I had to share.

Circa 1994: A blonde walks into an appliance store and says to the salesman.

"excuse me sir, I would like to buy that television over there"

"Sorry ma'am we don't sell to blondes" the salesman replies

Appalled the blonde scoffs and storms out the door

She comes back with a red wig on and tries again only to have the man tell her

"Sorry ma'am we...

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A man enters the super-market with his son.

Upon entering he immediately proceeds to buy Lobsters and butter. After carting this up he goes into the vegetable aisle to buy a side for his dinner when his son notices a woman standing alone.
“My dad has crabs!” He shouts at her.
The father turns red with embarrassment and tells his son tha...

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Problems only a child could solve.

A young boy wakes his mother up in the middle of the night asking his mother for Viagra.

The mother freaks out and asks her child why he needs Viagra.

The boy explains that he is having trouble pooping.

The mother, still confused asks why he would think Viagra would help him poo...

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Queen Elizabeth and Lady Di are out for a drive in the royal car on a Sunday afternoon, and they slow down when they see a man by the roadside signaling for help.

But no sooner has the car come to a stop than he springs to the door, pulls out a gun, and orders them both out of the car. "Queen Elizabeth," he snarls, "hand over that snazzy diamond tiara you're always wearing."

"I'm terribly sorry, my good man," says the queen, "but I'm afraid I don't wea...

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The penis requested a wage raise from his company one day

He presented the following arguments to justify his request:

"Dear Board, I, as the penis, request a raise due to following reasons:

1. I work hard physically.
2. I always use my head in every job I do.
3. I work in both deep and superficial environments.
4. My working environ...

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Little Johnny...

Wakes up in the middle of the night and has to go to the bathroom. On his way down the hall he hears a bunch of noise coming from his parents room. His curiosity gets the best of him, and he opens the door to find his mom on all fours, with his dad behind her, just going to town. Little Johnny's ...

Cemetery help.

My wife & I recently bought a house. To get pretty much anywhere, the main road from our neighborhood goes through a giant cemetery.

Now, a week before we bought the house, - on Thanksgiving morning - my wife gave birth to our first child - a boy (side note, I wouldn't recommend having a...

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A man walks into a bar with a shoebox

He walks up to the bartender, sets the shoebox on the bar, and orders a beer and an empty shot glass. The bartender brings him his beer and watches as he then fills the shot glass with the beer and takes the lid off of the shoebox.

Out of the box he removes a small piano and a little bench, ...

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A joke to tell your friends.

Hey guys, I'm not sure if this is the correct place to post this, or the right format, but I've got an amazing joke for you all that will almost definitely draw everyone you are with in, as long as they do not know it is a joke.

Firstly, you need to turn the conversation towards hitchhiking,...

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Three Italians in Heaven

*side note: this joke is kinda long, there is some swearing, and the grammar mistakes are part of it because I'm imitating Italians speaking English.

Three Italian men are standing in front of St. Peter in Heaven. St. Peter says, "before I let you guys in, I would like to know how you got he...

A Chicken walked into a Library...

So one day, while I was still working as a Librarian, this chicken walked inside and went toward the stacks of books. After what seemed like a few minutes, the chicken walked up to the counter with good size stack of books. The Chicken put them on the counter and, while pointing to each book, said: ...

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