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Jim has been working at the local Zoo for 5 years now...

He loves answering "Yes! they're wonderful" to women at the bar when they ask him if he works with animals. In reality however, he's a janitor, and his only job is to scoop their droppings.


One day, Jim's boss walks up to him in a huff:
"Jim, as you know, Coco the gorilla, our main...

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Adam wakes up hungover as fuck and has no ribs.

"What the fuck happened last night!!??" Flashback to Adam and God drinking it up the night before. Adam: "ohhhh.. we're gonna need some hoes up in herrr!" God: .....

Pick-Up Line Comebacks

Man: "Haven't we met before?"Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go...

Son: "Daddy i i fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!! "

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter".

Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a coupl...

An elderly lady & her husband get pulled over by the cops for speeding near Lexington, Kentucky

Officer: “ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?”

Lady to her husband: “WHAT’D HE SAY??”

Man: “HE ASKED IF YOU KNOW WHY HE PULLED YOU OVER!!”

Lady to the cop: “OH. No!”

Officer: “well ma’am you were going well over the speed limit.”

Lady to her husband: “WHAT’D ...

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So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

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A man has been getting horrible debilitating headaches for a long time a& finally decided to go to the doctor...

And he’s just begging for some relief. “They just won’t stop,” he says. “I can’t do anything, my work is suffering, I can’t spend time with my family, it’s just gotta stop!”

So the doctor does some tests and says, “well there’s good news & bad news. The good news is, I found the problem, ...

A Man goes to a bar with his friend at his friend favourite bar after they are few drinks down someone yells 26

Everyone starts laughing including his friend and this guy is confused he asks his friend what's happening before his friend can answer someone else shouts 94 everyone including his friend is in splits now the guy starts getting really confused. After few moments of silence someone says 153 eve...

Mickey and Patrick are on their way home from the pub one evening, when Mickey finds a mirror on the ground...

Looking into the mirror he calls over to Patrick:

"Paddy, come and have a look.... this fella seems oh so familiar.."

Patrick grabs hold of the mirror and peers in:

"Ohhhh you stupid git" he says, "It's me!"

Little Johnny goes trick-or-treating by himself dressed as a pirate...

One of the many houses he visits, was an elderly lady in town. He rings the door bell and the lady opens the door.

Johnny: Trick or treat!

Lady: Ohhhh your a cute little pirate! But, where’s your buccaneers?

Johnny: *Sighs and points to his ears* They’re right here! Where’s you...

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Little Johnny goes to the circus with his parents...

As soon as they get to their seats, Johnny’s Dad gets up and says, “I’m going to grab a beer, I’ll be right back.”

Right in front of Johnny is the biggest elephant he had ever seen. “Hey Mom, you see that big elephant right there?” She looks over, “Why yes Johnny, I sure do!” And Johnny says,...

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Two friends are sitting at a bar

The first man says " I had a Freudian slip at breakfast this morning"

The second asks "What's that?"

"Well it's when you mean to say one thing, but say something totally different, usually sexual. Like this morning, I meant to say, 'Honey, these are the best eggs I've had' but instead ...

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A bartender asked a patron why he is so sad...

The patron replies, "sad? This is turning out to be the best day of my life." The bartender presses on however and once again asks, "if today is the best day of your life why do you look just so sad?" The patron thinks about it for a second and tells the bartender "i dunno what to tell you its a gre...

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NSFW 2 Nuns

2 Nuns have been tucked away in a convent for the last 2 years when the Mother Superior approaches them and informs them that due to their dedication and devotion over the last 2 years she will take them on a trip to the nearest village.

The 2 sisters smile with glee and anticipation to the ...

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An old lady goes to a pharmacy

An old lady goes to a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist “I want some cyanide to kill my husband”. And the pharmacist says “WHAT, your gonna get me and you in trouble”. Then the old lady pulls a picture of the old lady’s husband and the pharmacist wife having sex and then the pharmacist says “Ohhhh...

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Little Johnny sees his grandpa smoking

Little Johnny sees his grandpa smoking a cigar.

"Grandpa! What is that? Can I try?"

"I dunno Little Johnny... Can your dick touch your asshole?"

"....um not yet."

"Then you can't. Maybe when you're older."

*Little Johnny walks away disappointedly*

*a few d...

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There was a woman who went out of town for the weekend. When she came back, she notified two condoms were missing.

She asked her boyfriend about it, and he said he used them to masturbate.

“Really?” The girlfriend asked. “You use condoms to masturbate?”

“Oh yeah,” he said. “Lots of guys do it.”

The next day at work she was eating lunch with a male coworker.

“Can I ask you something...

A man says to a doctor I’m scared off back stories

Doctor: tell me how this happened
Man: well it all started back when OHHHH NOOOOOO

A little girl tells her dad she wishes she had a sister

In an attempt to be clever, her dad explains, "You do, it's just you don't see her. Every time you come in the front door: she leaves out the back door.". The little girl replies, "ohhhh, just like my other daddy!"

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My Chinese Wife: Lost in Translate

This isn't a joke, but a true story and a lesson for those who dare tackle racial boundaries. I spent a couple years living in China (I have no Chinese heritage whatsoever), where I met my wife, who speaks Mandarin & some English as a 2nd language. Her English is good, but she struggles with s...

Three Beers

A soldier, Mikey, has just been re-located to a new small town to serve. He decides he needs a drink and wanders over to the local pub.

Mikey has a seat and the bartender strolls over, "What'll it be, boy?"

Mikey replies, "3 beers, please."

Bartender pours the 3 beers and brings...

*Drives by pack of cows on the road*

Dad: I've always wanted to be a cow, Nick.
Me: Can't relate with you there, Dad.
*moment of silence*
Dad: Out standing in my field.
*thinking...thinking...thinking*
Me: Ohhhh.

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[Long] Three men arrive at a forest.

They have heard of a mythical lake that grants any wishes, so they went to the forest to search for it. Within 5 minutes of walking, they have miraculously found the magical lake.

The lake spirit, sensing the arrival, solidified from thin air to address the group. "Welcome to the mythical lak...

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Two friends are on vacation…

…they're staying in nice hotels and the first guy asks the second,

"How's your stay been going so far?"

To which the second friend replies, "Awesome, 'cause listen to this: there's live sex shows every night here!"

"Really? Where at?"

"The next room over from mine."
...

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